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OT- how do you feel when someone posts your pic without permission?

witch.hazel's picture

Just wondering how you all feel about this topic. 

I am a vain person. I am not necessarily high maintenance, but I do like to be in control of what pictures of me are posted online. The main reason, however shallow, is that I am not at my best right now, have gained a lot of weight that I intend to lose, and I don't feel like broadcasting my weight gain to the world. 

Last year I set my facebook to disallow anyone to tag me in photos after a friend posted a very unflattering pic of me, and tagged me in it. I was mortified that this appeared on my friends list, to frenemies, exes, and people in general who might gloat at the decline of my appearance. 

This week, my child had a dance recital, and we all posed with different family members. I guess I should have announced, "Don't put this on facebook", but it didn't occur to me. Last night, my SIL posted a not so great pic of me...publicly. Which was shared to my SO's page, and that means that both of their entire friend's list, including many people I know viewed it. 

I calmly told SO to text her and tell her to take it down. She did. I got the sense that she was unhappy about that, but decided not to care. But I am still angry. I'm not showing it, but where do people get the idea that it's ok to post pics of others online without permission? 

It really doesn't matter that it's due to my weight gain, or that I'm self's about privacy and respect.


hereiam's picture

I agree with you.

I am not crazy about social media or the fact that everyone has a camera with them at all times.

witch.hazel's picture

It is so stressful that we are being recorded all the time, no matter what. I recently went to a training at a catholic retreat and there were NO cameras in the hallways as I walked from my room to the hall. I felt normal and free for the first time in years.

beebeel's picture

Well my friends and I have a deal that we always check with the other person for photo approval before sharing anywhere. I'm not too vain, but I also seem to be the opposite of photogenic so most photos of me suck. Everyone who knows me knows not to post pics of me without prior approval.

Sadly, my mom doesn't know me and decided to post a picture of me seconds after I gave birth. I was in nothing but a nursing bra and they had just laid my son on my chest. It was the most private moment of my life and my mother flucking broadcasted it to the world because none of her settings are private. 

I could see you being very mad if the photo she posted was of a private moment, but since you just don't like your appearance right now, I think you are projecting some of your anger at the weight gain onto SIL. Next time you see her, grab her to the side and say that you aren't mad at her, you're just unhappy with the current love handles and you are feeling insecure at this time. I could see how she was trying to brag about her niece and you happened to be in the shot? I wouldn't want to make a big deal about this or make her feel like a jerk because I'm feeling insecure.


witch.hazel's picture

to post an intimate pic of you online was very inconsiderate. My SO has done this to relatives- his father was dying, and looked the part- and he took pics of his dad and sent them to relatives. His brother is a double amputee, and SO recently visited him in the hospital. I saw a pic of the brother in a hospital bed, unconcious in a gown, tubes down his throat, with his stumps exposed. It cause me to get an advanced directive form so that I can prohibit him from entering my hospital room if I'm ever unable to advocate for myself.

beebeel's picture

I don't understand those who post or share pictures taken in hospital rooms with a sick or injured person. When my baby was having xrays, it didn't even occur to me to whip out my phone and Instagram it.

keepitsimplestupid's picture

that the emergence of social media has turned so many people into oversharers.  Typically, I try to stay out of the way of anyone taking photos, so I can keep myself safe from other people posting pics of me.  My concern is for my kids.  Irritates the crap out of me when someone posts a photo of my kids without permission.  Puts me into the position of having to be the bad guy and ask them to remove the photo.  And I know that once the pic is online, there's no way to really remove it permanently.  Those FB "throwback" posts bring the photo back to 'life' every now and again.  Grrrr.

witch.hazel's picture

I'm also really wary about those. I have been asking my child's father to make all of the pics he's posted of her private, but I'm about to probably send a group text to family members asking them not to post her pic online.

Iamwoman's picture

I think in our society we are getting to a point where we just have to accept that our photo can be taken by anyone at anytime and that we have no control over this.

That being said, there are laws that prevent using someone else’s photograph without their permission if monetary gain is tied to the photo in any way whatsoever.

As for embarrassingly private moments: obviously these types of personal violations are relationship destroyers.

I agree with others here that if you don’t want to be seen in photos, then you need to make the effort to avoid having your photo taken. It’s not fair to others to be told they can’t share a fun-gathering photo because one person in the photo wants to look like a model but doesn’t. Just stay out of the photo in the future.

witch.hazel's picture

Yep, nothing we can do about it legally, but for sure this practice ruins relationships. I am still friendly with the guy who posted the unflattering pic, but I no longer like him that much.

Iamwoman's picture

There is a huge difference between embarrassingly private and simply unflattering.

Guys don’t tend to care about what they look like in photos, and are far less sensitive to what us gals consider flattering or not than we are.

If it was a public photo in a public place and you willingly got in the photo with others, then I would say it’s more of a personal self-image problem, and the only person you should be upset with is yourself for not either avoiding the photo, or telling the photographer ahead of time that you don’t want this photo posted on social media.

witch.hazel's picture

Oh, believe me, I learned a lesson from this- I never willingly jump into pics, but if someone asks, the answer will be, "Only if it's not going anywhere on the internet". I'm not the type who takes pics for the purpose of social media, and it just didn't even cross my mind that any of them would do that when I got in the pic,

Blue Moon's picture

Since it's pretty much impossible to prevent everyone form posting on Internet, I think the best thing to do is what Sybarite said, which is to avoid being in pictures.

WalkOnBy's picture

I don't really have an issue with folks posting pictures of me and I don't really understand the whole "I need to keep my image safe" argument either.

If I don't feel like being in a picture, and I know that pics will be taken, I just stay out of the way.

witch.hazel's picture

to just avoid being in the pics- it's just too bad. I don't mind looking crappy in family pics that are shared only with family, and have read so many opinion articles from mothers who advise not to worry about looks because those pics are cherished memories and that's what's important. I agree, but I would like to cherish family memories out of the public eye.

momjeans's picture

For the most part, I’m not a fan. I struggle with body dysmorphia, so situations like this can be emotionally crippling for me. I kept it forever under wraps, my struggles, but eventually HAD to share this because I was given no other choice but to. 

My FIL is that creep that always has his phone out. Snapping random photos is a favorite thing for him to occupy himself with. He’ll then turn to social media and share, SHARE away. It was one of the reasons I cut ties with him on Facebook and Instagram, given the fact he likes to play BFFs with DH’s ex wife and in-laws. So, obviously unflattering or special moments photos were visible to people I wouldn’t normally be sharing these photos with in the first place. 

Years ago, I told them to stop. When he refused to accept that I wasn’t okay with it, I just took it upon myself to remain vigilant and STEP OUT OF photos or move away from FIL holding his phone up in my direction. 

So, this is what I recommend: Opt out of being in photos other people are taking. Give them your phone or camera to take photos that you’d like to have, for memories sake. If there’s one or two photos in the batch you wouldn’t mind being shared - send it to others, so they’ll have a photo with you along with everyone else in it.

I also locked down my Facebook settings, so people couldn’t post/tag photos of me.

witch.hazel's picture

I am recovering from bulimia, and this is the kind of thing that triggers my issues. I like the suggestions of how to be included, but not in the online posts! Your FIL sounds really irritating. Glad you stuck up for yourself!

ESMOD's picture

I feel ya.  I'm in a similar boat.  We recently met some folks that we have been hanging out with and the ladies are much more active on social media than I am.  I find myself tagged in some stuff and some pictures I probably would not have really preferred to be online.  I guess the issue I worry about is offending someone who sees it as NBD.  In the end, I try to live my life as if I have zero expectation of privacy.. no matter where I am.

witch.hazel's picture

For sure we have no privacy anywhere, and I no longer even google anything I'd be embarrassed about! But, I think your friends are rude not to ask before posting, and so many people don't even think about that! I was concerned that I'd offend SIL by asking her to take it down, especially when it was one of those collages that she'd worked on, but I decided to advocate for myself (something new for me) and pushed the thoughts of offending her aside as something that mattered less what little privacy I can try to maintain.

classyNJ's picture

Remember that even if you are not tagged and it is posted to facebook by anyone that other people, including people you know in common will see it?  

DH is not on facebook.  He does not like it at all but I have permission to post whatever he approves.  Some people he knows from high school post pictures from TBT from parties, etc that he may have been caught in.  My mother actually saw a picture of him at the young age of 18 drinking a beer.  She saw it because the person who posted worked in the same office as my mother and they were facebook friends. 

There was also a time when a girl I didnt know took pictures of a pool party I attended.  A few of those pictures included me and some not so nice comments about me (the party was at a guy friends house and he was interested in me and she was interested in him).  A CLIENT of mine who I am not facebook friends with but was of hers called me at the office the next day and sent me screen shots.  I had to report it to facebook it was just horrible.

witch.hazel's picture

Sorry you had that crappy experience, and that's just some of the stuff I worry about! With facial recognition being a thing, I feel that it won't be long (if not already) before you can search for a person and find all pics posted of them, tagged or not. 

And yes, anyone can find this stuff if they want to- just trying to reduce what they can find!

Exjuliemccoy's picture

My DH worked in law enforcement for many years, which has always put added emphasis on both security and privacy for us. I keep my fb page mostly vanilla because of this. You'll find videos of kittens, puppies, horses, a few light political posts, but that's it. I also freely admit that I get a little evil pleasure knowing that DH's gossipy family gets no useful intel from stalking my page. If a friend posts a picture of me, I don't really mind, but understand that is a personal thing. Social media etiquette is an evolving thing, isn't it? I must remember to always ask someone if they mind being photographed, or that photo being shared.

witch.hazel's picture

Yes, it's definitely a new form of etiquette that most people don't consider. I've read a lot from people who work in some type of law enforcement regarding social media and why they don't post certain things, and forward them all to SO who really hasn't listened yet- although when I took matters into my own hands and changed his fb profile pic (of our five year old), he at least didn't change it back.

punkysue's picture

This happened to me with the SD. we took her on vacation to beach with us (worse vacation ever) but after we returned the pictures went up on social media.. and of course there i am in a swimsuit.. i immediately call DH and told him to have it removed i did not like everyone out there seeing me in my bikini.. well she did and to this day she has never posted a picture of me. That was 7 years ago.. but at least i don't have to worry about what pictures she will put of me because im always excluded from her pictures now..