They get it to a certain extent but then you need to help them remember it! My DH would "forget" the bad behavior when they would call but as soon as he realized that the only reason they called was for money, he has cut off all contact(it took years). It has been nice not having to deal with the negativity.

My DH is just the same. The other day he and his ex were talking about counselling again... I was pissed off that day and said "I'm not sure if you'll find anyone to give a diagnosis of Spoiled Brat Syndrome, but good luck!"

He was not happy...but I'm convinced that's what it is.

One of these days, I would love to DH to say to me…”I am sorry that I let SS act like a spoilt brat when he lived with us. I’m sorry that I allowed SS to treat this house like he is the only one that lives here, I am sorry that I let SS lie to everyone here on a daily basis, I am sorry that SS disrespected you and me while he lived here.”
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Probably never happen, because this is what HE sees: SS acts like a normal teenager.
If it was anyone elses teenager he would notice and be appalled, but because SS belongs to him, he glosses it over and chooses to ignore it. You can only use the "he's just a kid" line for so long though.

Sometimes. My DH finally got it. SS is now an "adult" and living in some ghetto crackhouse, dealing drugs. DH finally said "You were right. We should have turned him into the police when he was a minor. He is a loser. I'm sorry you had to deal with him as long as you did." I have to say it didn't even feel good because I have completely disengaged so I really don't care. DH feeling bad doesn't do anything for me - I wish he would disengage too!

From my perspective, they never get it. It seems to me that these dads are filled with quilt about not being full time dads or as in my case, they are filled with guilt because BM had convinced them that they are horrible dads in order to keep them at her beck and call ie. if you don't take him for every holiday, you don't love him and you are a bad father. I am with you in your frustration. Sometimes I think I just landed with a stupid man, but then I think back and know I was not delusional and if he was a total blockhead, I wouldn't have ever turned my head in the first place. Sometimes I despise him for not seeing what is so in-your-face-obvious. Like every night, then skid11 who has no interest in reading or sports, suddenly decides he wants to talk about world events, or dad's favorite sport teams, or pick up Time magazine AT BEDTIME! I say, come on BF, he is manipulating you to avoid bedtime, to which I hear about how I am selfish and his beloved child needs him and I get a lecture about how he will always be there for his son. I roll my eyes and feel my attraction level and respect for BF drop to zero. He is one-uped by an 11 year old. What crap. My point is they are blind to the small manipulations, and the little lies, and this escalates into big lies, and big manipulation and very bad adults. Try pointing this out to these dads and it falls on deaf ears. Too bad these kids turn into inmates and drug dealers before the dad's can see a problem. Ultimately sad for all. Sad for the kids and sad for the dads that are so insecure with themselves that they try to buddy these kids instead of parent them. Mostly of course sad for us since there isn't a thing we can do about it but shut up and wait for the inevitable. I TOLD YOU SO, 7 years from now, will be my only consolation.

I think my DH is finally starting to see the light. Even though he is starting to put his foot down on school issues (and doing really well, IMO), he doesn't seem to concerned about tackling other things, like bad attitude, lack of respect for self or others, laziness, entitlement, etc. My hope is that once he gets the school issues under control..he gains a little confidence and goes on to other problem areas. I think the biggest problem is he is focused on them turning 18 and moving out of the house. I don't think he is going to give them a choice. "Sorry...you are 18, (hopefully graduated from HS), time for you to move out. Let's go find you a place to live". I really think he sees and feels the strain his kids put in our lives because when they are away from home--he is so much more fun, much more relaxed. I see so much parenting potential when it's just DH, me and DD at home...he is so much more confident when it comes to parenting my daughter. I guess I would say, my DH "gets it", he just doesn't know what to do with it...

My SO gets it on an intellectual level. He knows what they are like and he has apologised to me and thanked me for tolerating the crap. On an emotional and practical level it's often a different story. He KNOWS they manipulate him and lie to him but he often sticks his head in the sand and pretends not to see it because it's easier that way.

DH's get it... at some point. But their undying love.... keeps them giving in, and ignoring issues. They have the biggest fear that the child will hate them. They can't stand it when their child cries and pushes their buttons.....

I understand it at some point. I have children of my own. They don't "like" me either, when I say NO and lay down the law. But I love them... and they know it.

A parent who has never properly disciplined their child faces REBELLION when they decide to do it. Sometimes, they can't take it.... period.

My biggest thing is to point out the obvious and how their child's behavior creates unnecessary drama and problems in their lives and ours. I say what needs to be said in a calm, reassuring manner.

He does what he does... and then.... Wah la... he sees exactly what I said to be true. That is when they finally get it.

Hang in there.

NO they will never get it. Their are times that I see a light when he says "god I can't stand her attitude" or actually yells at here but after about 2 sec it over - she's the best.
I will be sitting on the couch with him and she will stand in the middle of us and talk to HIM; and they talk for awhile; and then finally I will say something to try to gain his attention back and she'll walk away so he won't see her and she'll turn around and stand their and glare at me for a couple mins just to make sure I saw her.... The whole situation is actually kind of creepy; the sick part is is that Daddy's dont' think THEIR child would ever behave like this :jawdrop:

hbell, "Daddy's dont' think THEIR child would ever behave like this." Thank you, yes, it blows my mind, like if an airplane crashed thru the roof and BF doesn't notice. He's like that too. Like the time the creepy skid hid in the dark in the bathroom eavesdropping on us until the cat noticed him in there and started hissing. I couldn't believe BF tried to come up with every ridiculous reason to explain why an 11 year old would be standing in a dark bathroom at midnight 5 feet from where we were having personal adult conversation. HELLLLLLOOOO, your creepy kid is spying on us!!!! Welcome to reality! He never did believe it and never talked to the kid about his bad behavior...just kissed him on the cheek, walked him up to bed, and apologized for the cat. Now I have to check the bathrooms and closets before starting any private talk. No they don't think their kids are capable of any wrong, and the lengths they go to delude themselves is stunning.

Yep...I got the same story...even when BF 10 yr old daughter and her friend absolutely f***ing literally trashed our home several times (I posted pictures on a blog a few months ago). BF daughter was completely innocent and it was her friend who was the bad guy....of course he got mad at her for a few minutes and all she had to to do was cry a little and say that she didn't do it and all was good....not even any punishment. The thing is that he knows the truth he just can't admit it to himself. She has absolutely no remorse and that is scary of what is to come.

Isn't it wonderful when your two Bios are sitting nicely and behaving, using good manners and the skids are acting like hulligans? DH's get it then... sure they do.

I love it when people tell me, your BD's are so wonderful, caring and respectful. How did you do it? I say... Discipline,consistency and love.

DH looks at his BD and says... "I should have never left her with her mother.... that was a big mistake 13 years ago...."

I'm just sitting there thinking.... "oh yeah... blame it on the BM... YOU had nothing to do with the raising of her....as I watch her be totally disrespectful to him and he takes it".

I have sat and listened to her tell her father to "shut up".... "you are soooo stupid Dad"....

And have him just take it. Then I look at her and say..."Do not talk to your father like that". And he says... "Yeah... SD watch your mouth.". brother.