We went to counseling
I will start off with the positive. SO was 100% brutally honest about how horrendous his kids behave. But, I feel that is something he had to do, as the counselor has been working with both of them and already knows.
Here comes the rest. SO tried to completely lie about his parenting abilities and his relationship with the girls. He claimed he is a no nonsense strict father who has just not had any success making headway with Thier behavior. He completely denied the 4 months of depression he suffered while precious SD 14 was living with BM and how he has been walking on eggshells since her return so as to not upset her.
So I took upon myself to completely throw him under the bus. I repeated statements he said like " I have to he careful what I say to her, you know how she gets". SO did admit they had multiple arguments this weekend. So the counselor asked him what consequences he used to address the behavior. He claimed he put his foot down, made her go home and told her he would send her back to BMs. So I again corrected him and told the counselor how he really gave her money and took her shopping and out to eat everyday since she has been back.
Kudos to the counselor for saying just the right things to break SO down and remove his tough man exterior making him vulnerable.
SO admitted he doesn't know what to do, he admitted he was happy to rely on me to do it all. But the best was admitted to allowing me to be the bad guy before I disengaged so he could keep his role of good guy with his kids. He also admitted to his anger towards me for disengaging and putting it in him to parent his kids, which resulted in them being angry with him and he lost his role of being adores by them.
The counselor told him flat out it's not a parents job to be thier friend. Its a kids job to do whatever it takes to get and behave any way they want. It's the parents job to not let that happen.
Only time will tell if he gets it or not. But, he knows I am staying disengaged and it's on him to parent his kids.