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Fellow StepTalkers, Please talk some since into my DH

Unhappy's picture

DH knows that I come to this website. He gets online and reads my blogs and then usually gets made at me for what I've posted.

Here's my problem. If you been following my posts then you'll know that DH has been having some huge issues recently with boundaries.

1.) DH does not feel like he got overly involved in the neighbors divorce drama. He does not feel that crazy neighbor ladies attack on me in her garage and then the two hour beat down she gave me via text has anything to do with his behavior in regards to their divorce.

2.) He does not feel like he crossed any marital boundaries when the neighbor lady would call him all of the time wanting to talk about her martial issues, bawling, making suicidal comments, and sending him texts. Earlier this week he told me that she was contacting him everyday multiple times a day and last night he told me that it wasn't everyday. So which is it DH? Everyday? Or not everyday?

3.) Last night, I'm still a little heated about what transpired the night before, and I was talking about the incident where the crazy neighbor lady's daughter (16) came to our house to use the computer "for school work" and put her hands on my DH inappropriately. According to DH she came in the house and followed DH into our den where the computer is. DH sat down in the chair and was trying to get the computer started. The 16 year old crouched down beside DH so that she was squatting right beside the chair. Apparently while DH wasn't paying attention she reached up and put her hand on his thigh. DH told me that it made him feel uncomfortable and he asked her to leave.

Do you know how long it took DH to tell me that this had happened? Four months later. And the only reason why he told me is because I kept pointing out how the neighbor girl flirts with him right in front of me. When questioned as to why he waited so long he told me that he wasn't sure that she was making a sexual advance towards him. I thinking are you nuts? How freaking blind can you be? She didn't accidentally reach up and put her hands on you.

So last night be again makes the comment of, "well I'm still not sure if that was what she was trying to do." Really DH? This is the same girl that came over to the house while we were both out in the garage and while he was distracted working on something leaning up against the counter came over sat on the hood of my car right in front of me and put her legs in between his. This is the same girl that last 4th of July decided, after I walked into our house for all of 5 minutes, to go over and sit next to DH in the same yard chair that he was on. This is the same girl that came over yet again when we were out in the garage while DH was leaning on the hood of my car and did this Tawny Katan(SP?) sexy walk up my car using her hands going straight towrads my DH staring at him the entire time. This is the same girl who everytime DH opens the front door and she's there is leaning on the door frame cocking her head the side flirting with him and trying look all sexy and my DH still isn't sure if she meant to put her hand on his thigh. If this same situation happened to me DH would have flipped out. And there's not way in heck that he would have ever thought that another man putting his hand on my thigh might have been accidental.

I am getting sick of his BS exuses of, "I just don't see it," or "I don't think that's what it means," or, "I just don't see it as crossing a boundary." His response as to why it was okay for another woment to be calling him frequently about her problmes and crying wanting his support is because she's not a threat and all he did was listen to her. Then he brought up the excuse of, "you've listened to her too." So becaue she has talked to me like twice about in person means that it's okay for her to call DH whenever she needs a shoulder to cry on. And all I wanted to do when she was carrying on was get the eff away from her. Oh but if another man was doing the same thing to me you bet your a$$ DH wouldn't think it was okay.

Please women. He is going to read this. I can't get it through to him why these things are inappropriate and boundary crossing. He would have never told me about the 16 year had I not pointed stuff out that I was seeing in regards to her behavior towards him. And he sees no problem waiting four months to even tell me that she did something that made him uncomfortable. Can you guys please try to explain all of this to him in a way that might make it through his thick skull. If he can't catch on to the fact that he set himself up for all of this by not minding his own business and not seeing the signs from the 16 year old that I saw way in adavance he's just going to keep repeating the same mistakes and we'll probably end up divorced.

Oh and after he told me about the 16 year old incident, I was heated, he asked me not to say anything to her mother because, and I quote, "he didn't want it to cause any issues between households."

Please ladies. I need your help here.

Comments

Unhappy's picture

Oh and all of the sexy Tawny Katan stuff, 4th of July incident, everything the 16 year old did that I put in this post was done after the touching his thigh incident. She still continued her advances towards him and I wasn't supposed to say or do anything about it because DH didn't want to make waves with the neighbors in regards to their daughter's behavior towards my DH.

Gabriels Mom's picture

Really? WTF!? Ask him if he really wants to be put in a position of being accused of sexually inappropriate behavior with a minor. If he is convicted he will have to register as a sex offender for the rest of his life...it would be grounds for your XH to get full custody of your BD if you choose to stay with him. I don't know what your DH does but he could lose his job...something like that could destroy his whole life....

What if it was his daughter? He'd want to punch that man in the face.

He likes the attention and won't admit it. Men are clueless but not that clueless.

pixiedust10's picture

Your husband is in total denial. My suggestion is counseling, stat. Unless he won't see a professional. What he is doing is disrespectful to your relationship, and the fact he's hidden things?

misSTEP's picture

So...he should have no problem, then, if you choose to hang out with the neighbor lady's stbEX and "console" him over his pending divorce. Right...?

This guy shows over and over his lack of respect for you, Unhappy. Probably why you are Unhappy, correct?

smdh's picture

Dear Unhappy's dh, it is inappropriate for you to be the emotional crutch for another woman. PERIOD. That woman has friends and family and she needs to lean on them. No woman I know goes to another woman's HUSBAND for advice. Women talk to other women when men hurt them UNLESS they want assurances that they're desirable. And therein lies the problem with her crying to you. She is hoping you will make her feel desirable. It is disrespectful of her to do it knowing you are married and it is disrespectful of you for not telling her that it is disrespectful.

It is also inappropriate for a teenage girl who is not your own to be touching you or spending time with you. I don't care if she touched your thigh, your chest, your face, you hair or your FEET. Teenagers don't randomly touch grown ass men unless they're flirting. Does the word JAIL mean anything to you? Because often these young women need attention so badly that they lie about getting it if they're scorned.

Stop playing the shoulder to this woman. You don't have to take sides, but you can't be in the middle either. You can't be her ear and then go out to drinks with her dh. Don't get involved. Nothing good will come of it. If her ex is your friend, fine, go for drinks and discuss anything but his ex. Discuss his plan, his future, sports, the weather, other women, if you must, but do not encourage or discourage his path. Stay away from the neighbor. Pleasantries are as far as it should go.

misSTEP's picture

The way the neighbor lady freaked out on your WIFE should be enough of a reason for you to QUIT communicating with her!! Anything less is SOOOO disrespectful to your wife and marriage.

Unhappy's picture

He actaully has told her that he doesn't want her to contact him anymore after the way that she treated me when she went off on me the other day. But at the same time he'll tell me that he didn't do anything wrong by taking the neighbor ladies phone calls and being her shoulder to cry on and just listening.

Purplemom's picture

^^^^^ this. I also wonder how much he encourages this blatant jackassery because he loves the ego boost.

Purplemom's picture

^^^^^ this. I also wonder how much he encourages this blatant jackassery because he loves the ego boost.

Purplemom's picture

^^^^^ this. I also wonder how much he encourages this blatant jackassery because he loves the ego boost.

RedWingsFan's picture

Ok, there are MAJOR boundary issues with your husband. Ask him this: if YOU were the one doing all of the above, how would HE feel?

Unhappy's picture

I've already done that Red. He will flat out tell me that he wouldn't feel comfortable with it but in the same breath defend his actions by telling that he's not sure that's what it meant or that he wasn't crossing any boundaries because all he was doing was listening.

RedWingsFan's picture

Ok, so put it this way: His listening to her is providing emotional support to another woman. Something a married man does NOT need to be doing. That's what us women have girl friends or family members for!

Unhappy's picture

I agree one hundred percent with you but he just doesn't see it. That's why I was hoping that maybe one of you fine ladies could explain it to him in a way that he might understand. You know, in the same way you would explain it to you DHs if they had done the same thing.

RedWingsFan's picture

This is what I'd tell my DH: "honey, I understand you want to be the "nice guy" and help our neighbor through a tough situation. BUT, there comes a time when you need to know that what you're doing may possibly be sending her the wrong signals and back off. Especially after what she and I have gone through. Out of respect for me, our marriage and to allow this woman to MOVE ON, you need to cease all contact with her immediately"

And if he didn't, my ass would be OUT THE FUCKING DOOR! Sorry, but I don't put up with that kind of bullshit. If he can't respect you and your marriage over some fucking NEIGHBOR lady, then he doesn't deserve to be with you!

Unhappy's picture

He's already quit communicating with her after she freaked out on me. My issue is that he still sees nothing worng with his behavior. He sees nothing wrong with being the emotional support for another women and allowing her to contact him repeatedly. He thinks that, "just listening" is okay. He feels that he had nothing to so with this lady freaking out on me and he's still not sure if the teaanager putting her hands on him means anything.

RedWingsFan's picture

Not sure what it's going to take to convince him that yes, he WAS WRONG for doing what he did. Maybe ALL of the comments you're getting here will?

Unhappy's picture

I was hoping that someone the way that they explained it to him might be able to break this block that he has in his brain that filters out all common since when it comes to dealing with the opposite sex.

Gabriels Mom's picture

This is the same issue I had with DH. I couldn't move beyond his emotional affair because he wouldn't admit that it was wrong. If he didn't think it was wrong how do I know it won't happen again?

stormabruin's picture

I promise you he sees it. He just won't say that he does because that would involve him admitting he was wrong.

Unhappy's picture

Oh, and he wasn't providing emotional support. He was just listening to her when she would call bawling.

misSTEP's picture

That IS emotional support. He needs to become a therapist if he is so willing to listen to women's sob stories. At least he'd be getting PAID to do it, then.

stormabruin's picture

So he's got six in one hand-half a dozen in the other.

Mr Unhappy, please note the following definition of emotional support:

Emotional Support
Providing comfort and assistance through listening, providing information, and counsel.

Krispey Kreme's picture

Your DH is obviously digging the attention and drama. He needs to avoid that whole family. They need to leave your whole family alone and go their own ways. But something tells me he won't. I wonder what it could be? There is a payoff for your DH somewhere in the neighbor's drama. Maybe he wants to have a little fling with the neighbor's wife or daughter. Maybe he sees this is upsetting you and enjoys seeing you upset. Whatever it is, he's not being straight up with you about it and he needs to be honest. It shouldn't even be open for discussion, he should have left that neighbor trainwreck in his rear view mirror.

IMHO, he is not being respectful to you when he keeps interacting with any of those people. They need to solve their own problems and he needs to stay out of their business and tend to his own marriage.

He is playing with fire and it may jump up and bite him in the azz. There is no fool like an old fool.

I'm sorry you are being expected to tolerate all this crap.

stormabruin's picture

Your DH is playing stupid. He's being disrespectful toward you & to your marriage.

Why is him conversing with this neighbor woman more important to him than ensuring that his relationship/marriage with you is sound?

He's playing both sides of the fence & he's lying & sneaking around behind everyone he's playing nice with to play nice with the other team.

If he can read the replies on your past blogs & refuse to acknowledge that he is acting inappropriately, he's truly stupid. Not clueless, not ignorant...just flat out fucking stupid.

YOU are his wife. YOU are the one he's supposed to be comforting & hearing. YOU are the one he should be concerned about keeping content & doing for & NOT hurting. Why is he placing more importance on helping this other woman feel better than he is on helping YOU...his WIFE feel better?

He's behaving like an ass & he's playing games. He's pretending to be supportive of this woman & lets her keep confiding in him & GAVE HER YOUR DAUGHTER'S PHONE so that she could trick this guy into answering her calls. Then he turns right around & to go out for drinks with the guy he's helping deceive...??? That is not being a friend to either of these people. That's fucked up.

Who benefits from ANY of this??? YOUR DH DOES! Only him. You're pissed because you & you're marriage are sitting on the back burner, both of the neighbors are being deceived, but your DH is getting attention from all 3 sides. His main concern seems to be this newly-single needy woman.

Suppose the stbEx was ringing YOUR phone & texting you to cry about his private matters. Suppose he was coming over & crying on YOUR shoulder while your DH was gone. Suppose your DH had an issue with it & you were more concerned with being supportive of this other man than you were of being supportive of your husband.

Their relationship is none of your DH's business. This other woman's feelings are none of your DH's business, & when she tries to make them his business, HE needs to tell her to go find someone else.

The relationship & issues your DH needs to focus on are HIS. It sounds like he's got plenty on his own plate to work through.

Your DH is making excuses & trying to make the problem about you so that you'll back down & he can keep playing with the neighbors.

HE is the problem here. Do NOT allow him to pin the crappy results of his irresponsible careless choices on you. He is not showing you or your marriage the respect that a husband should be.

He's behaving like a selfish ass.

Unhappy's picture

This issue here Storm is that he doens't feel like he was more concerned for the neighbor lady. In his mind all he did was answer her calls and texts and just listen. That's it. He just listened.

stormabruin's picture

He can deny what he did all he wants. Denial doesn't change the facts.

He DIDN't just listen.

He gave her YOUR daughter's cellphone that neither you or he pays for, but that your ExH pays for. That alone crosses ALL KINDS of boundaries. That is neither answering calls or texts or listening. That is offering her the means to deceive the man that your DH later buddied up with & went out for drinks with!!!

Your DH is a sneaky deceitful ass.

If he wasn't doing anything wrong, you would've known about the constant calls & texts when they started.
If he wasn't doing anything wrong, your DH wouldn't have had any problem with your talking to this woman about him & the stbEx going out together.
If he wasn't doing anything wrong, your DH would've had no reason to give this woman your child's cell phone.

Unhappy's picture

You vowed to forsake all others. This is a vow you need to adhere to when women are crossing inappropriate boundaries.

__________________________________________________________________

You almost made me cry with this one line.

RedWingsFan's picture

Ok, how's this:

"DH you may not agree with me, but as you can clearly see from the comments posted on these boards, all the other WOMEN believe that you were providing emotional support to another woman and that is UNACCEPTABLE behavior, period. Women see things differently than men do and if 20 other women are saying the same thing about this situation, don't you think that they may be right and you're wrong?"

Disneyfan's picture

You know what you're dealing with. Why do you continue to put up with him? Mr. OP is not dumb or clueless. Your thoughts/feelings on the above issues do not matter to him.

You're his wife, the woman he loves. If he won't listen to you, he won't listen to a bunch of strangers on the interwebs.

Unhappy's picture

It may not be appropriate but I don't know what to do. He sees nothing wrong with any of what I just posted about which means given the same situation he will do it again.

Unhappy's picture

I don't share these blogs with him. He found out that I come here and now he checks my blogs all of the time.

stormabruin's picture

Start a new account under a different username & sign out EVERY time you post. Delete your blogs as you go if you need to, but he is NOT entitled to read your thoughts if you don't want him to.

bi's picture

he's a nosy bastard. he wants all kinds of privacy for himself, but none for you. this douchebag is a loser. you would be so much better off without him.

Unhappy's picture

And it's also not appropriate that he reads my posts and then chews my a$$ about the things I say or the way that I feel. I've told him time and time again that if he can't handle it don't read it. His repsonse it I want to know how you really feel. So why does he then jump me for how I feel?

bi's picture

because when he says that, what he really means is that he wants to hear how wonderful you think he is. he doens't want to know how you REALLY feel. he's looking for more ego food and gets pissed when it's not there.

misSTEP's picture

He really doesn't SOUND like a loving, great husband. He sounds like an immature ass and a narcissist to boot.

Jsmom's picture

He is an ass...Anyone that reads private blogs and converses so inappropriately with another woman, deserves to be alone...

Willow2010's picture

"I just don't see it," or "I don't think that's what it means," or, "I just don't see it as crossing a boundary."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
LMAO!!! Yes he DOES see it. Yes he DOES know what it means. And yes, he DOES know it is crossing boundaries. He just wants you to think he is an absolute idiot because he can throw out that excuse at ANYTHING he does stupid, and you will have to fall for it because he just “does not get it”
Oh PULLLEEEZZZ!

I hate when these men act like that. They act like they are just too stupid to live.

simifan's picture

Dear Unhappy - Your unhappiness has been turned around - apparently everything short of sex with a man is a okay. Your DH is on board with it regardless of his feelings or the inappropriateness. You go girl - enjoy your new found freedom.

Hanny's picture

Honestly, I just read a lot of this and this sounds like a figgin soap opera. Unhappy, quit whining...and leave this guy! You said it yourself...you are unhappy...and this guy sounds like he is not going to change. Sounds to me like HE is enjoying the attention these 2 females are giving HIM...not the other way around! He's getting something out of this...you can bet on that. Get out of this as soon as you can. This guy is not gonna change!

amber3902's picture

Unhappy, your DH is not going to admit that what he did was wrong.
Because that would mean admitting he was wrong.

He's not going to listen to any posts on here - he'll discredit anything anyone says on here because:
-they're women, they don't understand
-they're women, of course they're going to take your side
-they strangers on the internet, they don't know what they're talking about

Google passive aggressive
http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/abusiverelationships/a/Pass_Agg.htm

The passive aggressive ignores problems in the relationship, sees things through their own skewed sense of reality and if forced to deal with the problems will completely withdraw from the relationship and you. They will deny evidence of wrong doing, distort what you know to be real to fit their own agenda, minimize or lie so that their version of what is real seems more logical.

Disneyfan's picture

OP, I think your husband is up to something.

You've posted a bunch of hurtful stuff about him and his kids. I find it hard to believe that the stuff he's reading here is not having a negative impact on his feelings toward you.

He isn't just reading here to find out how you really feel. He may be gathering information to use against you later.

stormabruin's picture

"DH needs to be an adult and say he messed up, he's sorry, and it won't happen again."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And then he needs to follow through with that promise. Saying it is easy. Doing it may prove to be more difficult for him.

Unhappy's picture

I've told him time and time again to stop reading what I post but he won't. He may be gathering information to be used against me in the future. It really wouldn't do him any good seeing as how he doesn't need it. He owned the house before we met. We do have a joint account but that's about it and we've been married less then a year. And yes I may have posted hurtful stuff about him and his kids, but I did it to vent on a forum where I didn't know that he was going to attempt to track me down on.

stormabruin's picture

Unhappy you may be, but helpless you are not. If your DH isn't willing to respect you, it is up to YOU to respect you. You can tell somebody anything time & time again. You are capable of taking action on your own behalf. You are capable of taking back your power. DO IT!

Your Dh is being a dick! If that's what he chooses to be, choose to be without him!

Unhappy's picture

To be honest with everybody, DH and have said and done some pretty mean things to each other throughout our relationship. I'm really not sure if we can make it and I don't know if I want to make it if I end up with a man that has no respect for the boundaries of our marriage. Who will continue to get himself into the similar if not the same situations because HE sees nothing wrong with it or wasn't sure about how a situation was actually intended to play out.

If he sees nothing wrong with taking multiple calls and answering multiple texts that are from another women that is not family memember who's to say he won't do it again. Even if I tell him I feel uncomfortable with it he will still do it and when I try to expain the whole boundary concept to him, like I already have, he'll just blow me off because in his mind he's doing nothing wrong and this person isn't a threat.

I talked yesterday about why the neighbor lady freaked out because she felt betrayed. Why was that? There was no reason for her to feel betrayed. I understand why. She thought that DH was on her side and when he went out for drinks she realized that he wasn't. I in reality, I was the one being betrayed. You don't get to be the shoulder for every women to cry on or their support when you get married. There are boundaries that are put in place once the vows have been spoken. But DH just doesn't get it. He won't listen to me because his mind is already made up. He feels that he is doing nothing wrong and with that means that his behavior won't change.

So where does this leave me? I will not be married to somebody who disrespects me or our marriage. Whether or not he feels the same way he needs to quit blowing of my feeling and concerns all of the time and realize that I'm not asking for much. It's not okay for other women, my friend or not, to be contacting my DH and this isn't the first time that this has happened. One of his old girl friends called him about six months ago asking for divorce advice with kids. Saying that he's the only one that she knows that is divorced with kids. BS b!tch. She's in the ARMY. That's not a small company I'm sure she's knows someone who has gone through a divorce with kids involved. She was fishing and me being another female knew what she was up to. DH of course denied it. Well guess what, the b!tch sent a text the following morning to DH with an apology to me for her behavior. She knew she was wrong with her contact with DH. But even if you asked DH today he'll still tell he's not sure about that and she just wanted some advise.

bi's picture

he would see something wrong with it if it were you and crazy's ex. i have an ex who was like that. nothing at all wrong with him talking to and texting other women, having them over while i wasn't there, going to the bar with them, and yes, this ex was a serial cheater which is exactly why he's an ex. however, you let a man just look at me and he was irate. i was on the phone with a guy friend WHEN WE WERE BROKE UP and he was at my house "passing the time til he went to the bar" and he got so pissed he ripped the phone out of hand and started screaming at my friend, even though HE BROKE UP WITH ME and was on his way to the bar to find some slut to bang that night. he was most likely at my home hoping i would cry and beg him to take me with him because he needed an ego feeding. when that didn't happen and i was on the phone with a man, he lost it. had i EVER done that to him while he was on the phone, even if we were together and especially if we were broke up, he would have beat my ass.

these lying idiots know it's wrong. they just don't care unless it happens to THEM.

bi's picture

your dh is an idiot. and i think a willful one. he knows damn well it was wrong. he just won't admit it. you deserve better than his bullshit and the bullshit he allows others to give you. let the crazy bitch have him. they deserve each other. then she can fight with her skanky daughter over him!

Unhappy's picture

Here's an example of where my boundaries are at.

Before DH and I got married I had an old friend that happens to be a guy friend me on facebook and he also sent me a message. This old friend I have known throughout highschool and was a really good friend of mine for about ten years. He was always trying to get me to date him, which never happened, but we still had a good time with the crew that we were hanging out with.

Well this message he sent me said, "hey give me call sometime so we can catch up and he gave me his number." The minute I read it I felt uncomfortable. I was with DH married or not and I knew that it would be inappropriate for me to contact another man even if it was innocent and just trying to catch up. Even before I married DH I knew where the boundaries of our relationship were. There is no reason for me to be talking to another male on the phone unless it's work related, which never happens, I called into a call center, or I'm talking to a family member. Other then that the only male that I should ever talk to on the phone is DH.

Willow2010's picture

Unhappy...let me ask you a question. Do you realize that your DH most certainly, does know that what he is doing is wrong? He is just playing stupid.

Unhappy's picture

What would he get out of just playing stupid? I'm p!ssed at him, he slept on the couch last night (not by choice), he caused huge drama between the crazy neighbor lady and myself. What's the point of playing stupid?

misSTEP's picture

He's playing stupid because he believes he has you roped in. You aren't going to leave him. You are going to get mad, he will have to deal with that for a while and then you are going to go back to how things were....

And he will be free to define (on his own, without your input) what HE thinks are appropriate boundaries for BOTH your marriage. And you will end up in a similar situation over and over and over. Until a woman fishing DOES snag him.

He is an idiot and I really can't believe you still defend him. I am sorry to say that to you when you are already hurting.

emotionaly beat up's picture

Your husband absolutely knows he did the wrong thing. He knows the thigh incident was a come on from this girl. He says he told her to keave, yet he never mentioned it to you. WHY NOT. Because as someone else posted, your husband is a liar. He's lying to you right now when he says he sees nothing wrong with what he did. He damn well knows it was wrong. But hell, it made him feel good, he liked the attention. He can't tell you that. So he lies and denies there was an issue. He lies to protect himself, to avoid confrontation.. If that hurts you, well too bad, he's all right and to him, that's all rest matters. Your husband is selfish