You are here

So...I did something passive aggressive and underhanded for the first time in my SM career. And it feels kind of good...

TwoOfUs's picture

So. If you read my blog about SS18s graduation dinner a few weeks ago, then you know that our BM asked us to continue paying CS through the end of the summer. For no reason. My DH told her no...but said we would pay the full amount for June. We always pay in two installments, per BM's request. One payment on the first Monday of the month, one on the third.

DH also hasn't been making a lot of money for the past three months, though that will change in July as he's under contract and will get a substantial retainer before August, so I'm the one floating this extra payment.

Anyway. BM has also asked us to pay "our half" of youngest SD's remaining medical bills. Despite the fact that, 2.5 years ago when she was first diagnosed and first had the surgery, DH's parents paid about 95% of all bills after insurance and gave BM money personally to help with any expenses that cropped up...she asked us to pay "our half" of the remaining $800 that was billed in January...she gave us the bill in May and asked for our part "with the next CS payment" a week later. We said no...but that we would pay it directly to the hospital by the end of June.

So, now we're paying the second half of CS (to be paid yesterday) and an extra $400 for medical bills by the 30th. I don't know. I'm just feeling annoyed by all of this, lately.

Here's where the underhanded thing comes in. On Saturday, I saw that DH had set our household checkbook on the mantle. We only write a check for one bill...CS. We went out of town Sunday after lunch for a wedding in DC on Monday, and this morning DH and YSD flew to NYC for a little trip that I arranged while I drive the car back home (in a cafe now, catching up on some work and stalking).

My DH is forgetful, so I figured that he left the checkbook there to remind himself to write and leave a check for BM. I put the checkbook in my purse...and he did forget. BM texted him frantically when we were about an hour away asking where the CS was. (Meaning...she rushed right over to get her $$ the minute she thought we were gone. Eager, eager!)

I know it was wrong. But it's also a completely extra check that we're just...gifting her. Am I a terrible person? I'm going to leave the dumb check for her first thing tomorrow morning, of course.


TwoOfUs's picture

Don't know. Trying not to care...

The thing is, we do phones for the skids and plenty of extras in addition to CS. DH's parents are wealthy and they also often drop money on BM as well as doing trips, cars, clothes, etc. for the skids. I have no idea how she's always so desperate for $$$. She's been a teacher for 15 years, so her salary is published. She's making about 60K plus good benefits plus CS tax-free from us plus all these extras, plus $$$ from her summer a state with a VERY low cost-of-living. If it weren't for CS, DH and I could live more than comfortably on 3K or less a month.

She claims she has no savings, no emergency fund. I think she's actively trying to ensure that we don't have one, either...

TwoOfUs's picture

I know. That's what I feel bad about, honestly. He frustrates me sometimes with the blended family stuff, but he generally tries to see my view and put me first. I should have just told him that it would make me more comfortable to pay this second half a few days late...after I got home. I know travel is always a little more than you expected, especially the first couple I kind of wanted to see what came up in DC before handing over the dough. I really don't feel bad toward BM at all.

Maybe it helps that he and YSD are on a trip that I got them for their bdays? YSD has always wanted to go to New York, DH has always wanted to take her. They share a bday (well, one day apart) and she turned 16 this I thought it was time.

notsobad's picture

My exH is like your BM.

He makes over 80K a year, I know because CS is based on his income and I've seen his T4s, but he never has any money and is always crying poor.
Like I can't pick you up because I don't have gas money poor!

He doesn't drink or smoke anymore, he doesn't gamble (that I know of), he doesn't have a car payment, he doesn't travel.

I just don't get it!

TwoOfUs's picture

Yeah. Exactly!

BM doesn't seem to spoil the kids too much. They all work and have taken on some of their own expenses as well as a lot of their wants. She doesn't seem to indulge herself much or have any hobbies. Doesn't drink or smoke. Certainly doesn't spend it on clothes or makeup. I just can't figure it out.

I try to tell myself that her budget is none of my business...and I know it's not. But she kind of makes it my business when she's always asking for extra.

notsobad's picture

I know what you mean, I tell myself all the time I don't care about him or his finances, buuuuutttt.
I don't know, I'm nosy, I'm controlling, I'm something cause I would love to know where his money goes.

He's living with his GF now and she has money so suddenly he's driving a new car, hers. Living in a house (not an apartment), hers and taking vacations to Phoenix, to visit her family.

I'm actually happy for him and I really like his GF but it still drives me nuts that he won't pay half to get our son home from Uni or that he won't send him money for groceries and a few extras.

TwoOfUs's picture

She also claims all three kids on taxes every year. We've asked her to consider sharing the claim since we do so much and since we both work would help reduce our tax burden a lot if we could even claim one. She says no. Between three kids and being able to claim head of household / earned income, I think she gets "back" 8-9K or more every year. So...she just got that in April, presumably...and she's already desperate for half a CS payment?

It's really mind-boggling.

thinkthrice's picture

I would be tempted to write in the memo "Final Leech Installment" or "Extortion Over" or "Last Reverse Ransom Payment"

TwoOfUs's picture


We always leave the check on our porch swing and she comes by to pick it up at her convenience. Think I'm going to hide it under a blanket or pillow or something...just to make her sweat for a few minutes longer.

TwoOfUs's picture

That's a good point. He seemed frustrated with himself for about five minutes then was like..."Oh, well. She'll get it as soon as we can get it to her." lol

TwoOfUs's picture

I wonder if she knows about my new client. We haven't tried to hide it from her...and obviously she knows DH and YSD are in New York this week. She probably doesn't know it's my maybe she thinks DH has extra money lying around right now...

Either way, she always asks for extras, so I don't know that that's what has her asking now.

zerostepdrama's picture

Ha- no judgement here! Congrats on that being your last payment.

TwoOfUs's picture

Well...last payment for that kid. We still have one who's 16, so two more years to go on her. drops by nearly half now Smile

TwoOfUs's picture

Our payment has never gone through the courts. It is court-ordered, but you can decide if you want it to go through their system or if you want to pay directly. BM is fine with it being paid directly to her b/c we've never been late and she gets more that way.

Gah. Left the check. Came back from working a really long, really hard day, and it's gone. Makes me angry and sick to my stomach a little.

TwoOfUs's picture


I know it's super lame, but I did fold the check up really small and tuck it way back in the blanket on the swing. Just got home from a really long day, and the check is gone, blanket a heap on the swing. So petty of me...but it makes me a little happy to think of BM frantically pawing through the blanket in search of her free money.

Don't know why this is making me so unhappy and upset. We paid extra for OSD19 for almost five months...from the end of January when she graduated high school early through the end of May, when she WOULD have graduated. (That was BMs argument for continued support...but she WOULD have graduated in May. Um, yeah. And she's incredibly immature and we argued against letting her finish early and you pushed it. But you don't want to live with the consequences...)

Anyway, this is just one extra month for SS and it's making me feel sick and disgusted. Probably because she asked us to continue support for him through the entire summer, without giving any reasoning at all. We should just keep giving her money because...? We're nice people? It's absurd. It's the chaos, the franticness of the requests...and the entitlement...that are really starting to get to me.