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Getting My Ducks in a Row to Leave

TwoOfUs's picture

So this week I have decided that I am leaving my DH after the holidays. Probably in February...there are some financial matters I need to get settled before I go. 

I really don't want to leave someone who I love or the home we've built together...but I just can't face a lifetime of having no kids with DH while watching him enjoy his own children. I can't take watching a show in bed next to him and getting interrupted a dozen times by text chains coming through from his three adult children. I can't take five to six more decades of birthdays and weddings and graduations and Christmases and watching him become a grandpa and a thousand other family milestones...and feeling like an appendage the entire time. 

Part of me feels really shitty for acknowledging this...and really dumb for leaving someone who I otherwise get along with so well. I know that when I express this to DH...he will argue and tell me that I am loved by his whole family and that they don't see me as an appendage. I know he's right about this...I know his kids love me...which is why I feel even shittier about how I feel about them. (But, honestly...honestly. How did he effing expect me to feel? Letting me provide for them for 10 years and support his dreams while not making any effort to have a family with me? What did he think was going to happen? It's a GD miracle that I can separate any of this from my feelings about his kids...that I can still manage to be kind and caring to them at all...)

Anyway. My real question is about the financial part. Not for me...but for my DH. He literally has no income except for me. His parents give us money every year at Christmas...and it's quite a bit. However, this year they gave us 1/4 early to help with some expenses and they've helped do a renovation at our house...so I'm not sure how much they're still going to do and it's stressing me out. Meanwhile, DH is charging full steam ahead on all these redo projects for his basement office and getting new gear for his "business" (the one that we're already in debt for and that has cost us more money than it's provided over the past 8-9 years). He's doing this in anticipation of getting "the big check" from his parents...and this is another thing this season that has helped me clarify what I need to do...and the fact that I just can't live this way any more. Really...I can't. My feelings are probably 70-75% motivated by the baby/family thing and 25-30% motivated by different money management styles...meaning I manage money and my DH just spends it, whether or not we have it.  

I guess my question is the "How" of it all. I don't want to leave my husband in the lurch...and I feel really guilty because I know he sees all this action and activity as him "taking charge" and solving problems and having a plan...I just see it as activity for the sake of activity with no real goal in sight. It hurts me to know that the very things he's so excited about accomplishing...are pushing me even further out the door. I've been trying to subtly but consistently urge him to slow down and exercise some caution (because DH is going to need that $$ for a financial buffer when I leave).

We also have some business debt...and I don't want to get stuck with it all just because I'm careful and good with money and DH is not...but I fear that's what is going to happen. My idea is this: 

1. DH and I get a 50-60K home equity line and use about half of it to wipe out the business and credit card debt (Our house is completely paid for and owned equally by both of us. My thought is...even if I'm the one paying down the equity line by myself, the interest and payments will be less than half of the credit card and business loan debt I'm servicing right now...and DH will officially be on the hook, too. If the separation does lead to divorce, I can document that I paid off the equity line from my account only and perhaps ask to be paid back for that first when the house is sold. I also know that DH's parents would never let him lose the house, so if something horrible happened and I couldn't make the payments...the house wouldn't be in jeopardy. They'd step in.) 

2. Once this is all done and our taxes are filed in early February, I ask DH for a 6-month trial separation. 

3. In the separation, I take back all joint credit and debit cards...he has his account and his one credit card. 

4. I offer to pay the equity line payments and our insurance policies. I will also offer to pay our cell phone plan for 3 months...but want him and his kids off my plan and onto their before the end of that time. Alternately, he can pay me half of the phone bill every month. All other bills are on him (there really aren't that many...power, gas, water, grocery...I'd still be paying over half the "household" expenses by covering the equity line and insurance)  

5. I move anything I've been able to save aside from his parents' gift (hopefully there will be something left) to his personal account so that he has some buffer while he figures out a way to support himself. 

 

I feel like this offer is fair and thoughtful and doesn't jeopardize our finances too much...and doesn't leave him with nothing and no way to support himself. It's hard to find a job if you don't have a working phone or Internet, for instance. I don't want to handicap him just because I can. 

What do you think? Does this plan sound reasonable and fair? I'm trying to step away as gently as I can...realizing, of course, that it's going to be a total shitshow no matter how I handle it...

Comments

ESMOD's picture

No this does not sound reasonable or fair... to YOU.  You are falling into the trap that so many women do where we want to be nice.. we don't want people to hate us.  We figure if we just give them a bunch of money that they won't be as mad at us for leaving.  We don't get what we rightfully deserve.

1.  Your husband has been a financial drain on you for a decade or more.  Even factoring in his parent's checks.. the guy hasn't pulled his financial weight in a long time. 

2.  You are the one who has paid things off.. you are the one who built up whatever equity you have.  He honestly doesn't deserve much of anything. you have already done a ton.

3.  Go to a lawyer and lay it all out for them.  Ask them what you will be liable to split with him.  Ask them about possible alimony payments etc...

4.  Because.. when things go south.. the people you expect to be reasonable aren't.  Your husband is likely to become very vindictive.

5.  Do you really think that leaving him is going to make you any happier about not having kids of your own?  If your husband is such a great guy... wouldn't it be a better option to maybe go to counseling and see if someone can help you get over your disappointment of not having your own kids (I am assuming it's no longer possible)... or have you thought of fostering or adoption so you would have a child of your own?  I don't know.. I know it's dificult to know that you are sometimes an afterthought.  I am also a bio free SM.. to adult kids and I have my own regrets about not having kids of my own.. the mixed feelings of likiing the lack of responsibility.. but missing that kind of connection.  I guess, I just figure as the years go by.. the kids will actually usually be less of a factor in your life..as they develope their own lives separate from their dad.

Anyway, I don't know.  Your DH sounds like he has his share of issues..his hobby (not a business0 and not working.  It sounds like his parents have helped some.. but you have had a lot of weight on you.  I know it must be frustrating.

TwoOfUs's picture

It's true I'm being very gentle...but I don't want to blow everything up and walk away and not worry about where the chips fall, because my name is on most things, too. I will get my name removed from the bills I expect him to be responsible for. 

You're right that counseling may be a better bet. It's not impossible for me to have kids...and I've considered going it on my own...but I am getting older now and am feeling that maybe it's past the time when I should have made that decision. I was waiting and counting on my DH to step up, have the treatments...and at least try. That was never a priority for him, so it never happened despite my asking for it repeatedly...but we have easily spent 6-figures-plus trying to get his dream career launched. So...priorities. 

I should be clear that his parents have helped a lot...but it ceases to be a help when DH sees it as a free license to go on a spending spree every November-January. With the amount they've given us (about 60K every year plus other gifts and helps on occasion), it's truly shameful that DH hasn't saved anything or turned it into anything more.

This is part of what's making me even more resentful right now...DH "taking charge" and getting stuff done at the house...while it technically benefits both of us...what it says to me is that he's totally fine with me carrying all the weight of continued bill paying throughout the remainder of the year...and he gets his fun money and gets to feel like Mr Get it Done guy and Mr Christmas for three months. If he cared about me, he would talk to me about setting $$$ aside to pay bills or build savings during the rest of the year. 

But he's 'pathologically optimistic' as my little sister said recently. It's not that he doesn't care...he just genuinely believes that he's about to hit it really big...so he has to get the house prepared now because soon he won't have the time to manage all these contractors! (He's literally said this to me.) 

ESMOD's picture

Do you think that if you went to counseling together you might be able to communicate your frustrations... and needs to him.  You have articulated some frustrations very well on here.  I think that you should tell him that you are reaching a breaking point in your relationship because.

1.  I want children of my own and it's frustrating that you haven't done what is necessary for me to have that.

2.  I would like to feel less responsible for everything financially.  Your parents help us a lot, but you take that and spend it all in ways that YOU want.. and leave me to carry all the bills the rest of the year.  I would rather us figure out what the right amount of contribution would be on a monthly basis and set that much aside so that we are sharing in the bills.  If that means we can't do some projects.. then so be it.

3.  I think it's time to recognize that your business is never going to be the money maker you want it to be.  I'm not saying give up on what you enjoy completely, but I need to see you making an effort to work outside the home.. bring in some income... so that I'm not the only one on the hook.. it might free up some so that we could have a child of our own.

4. I should have spoken up sooner.. but I am at a breaking point, I have needs and dreams and it's not fair that you are the only one in the relationship that is allowed to pursue them. 

Winterglow's picture

When trouble arises after a divorce, it seldom has to do with greed and everything to do with "winning". It's about feeling that you came out on top even if you feel you've been given the short end of the stick, it's about proving to yourself that you lost the battle but not the war, it's about so many conflicting ideas that it's impossible to predict how someone will react when they're being divorced (and even more so when it's their second divorce - you realize he might make you "pay' for what his ex did? That he might use you - even subconsciously - to get back at her?).

Please don't simply believe that because he's such a good guy that he will never do anything bad to you ... Not many men are willing to just roll over and take it. And even if they are, don't forget that there will be family and friends behind him pushing him and egging him on - and THEY might just want to see you suffer (again possibly for the ex).

I would very much insist on counselling - if he knew how much was at stake maybe he'd be keener to attend.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

If you do want to go to counseling. A trial seperation still might be a good idea. That gives you a chance to figure things out, but learn how to function SEPERATELY. Which I think is probably part of his issue anyways. He's been to reliant on you and you're been supportnig too much.

I like the idea of counseling if he'll agree to go. maybe he'll shape up. If not though, I'd talk to the lawyer and figure out starting to get your ducks in a row as a good backup plan.

Because you're amazing and deserve to accomplish your goals and have a kid or two if you want them Smile

TrueNorth77's picture

I like this idea. You love him, you don't actually WANT to be in this position. Your wish seems to be that you could work it out, have children, and for your husband to be more responsible financially. I suspect he thinks the way things are are all fine and well. This is just how your relationship is, and it's status quo. You could pursue counseling, while also doing a trial separation. I think once people (him for sure, and possibly you as well) realize the gravity of the situation, you start to think about things a little more seriously. I'm confused as to why your DH can't pursue his "dream", while also earning an income and contributing to the household. I know you are doing well financially, but that is YOU, and you shouldn't have to take care of a man. He should understand that, and I would be frustrated if my SO were off flitting about, trying to get some pipe dream going, while not also being realistic and contributing to finances. For the love of God, work part-time, anything!

I can't imagine what the feeling of putting in all of your time, effort, love, frustration, etc into a life with skids would be like, only to end the relationship after skids are finally out and on their own!

I'm sorry you're in this spot. I hope however it works out, you will end up happy with a baby Smile

beebeel's picture

I think your guilt is unwarranted. You aren't doing anything wrong. You didn't pull a bait and switch on him. Your plan is more than generous and frankly, more than he deserves. 

I'm sorry you're hurting and that he hasn't seemed to notice for years and years. I hope you find peace and happiness in your decision and wish you the very best. So many (((hugs))).

rozzann's picture

Sounds like you have thoroughly thought this out.  I, same as you, was extremely generous in the divorce to my first husband.  I was a SAHM and didn't touch any of his retirement, offered joint custody, no child support but to split all expenses, etc.  Sometimes in the past I have regretted my generousness - but not that often.  I am going to guess that you are a lot like me in knowing that in your heart, you felt this was fair and allowed you to sleep at night.  

You do what makes you happy at the end of the day regardless.  I'm sorry that you feel so alone....and best of luck!!!

notarelative's picture

Counseling is a good idea. Go by yourself, for yourself if he won't go to couple counseling. 

Then if you want to separate, before you make any proposals about finances to DH see a lawyer. Find out the laws in your state, and what the court will mandate of allow. Good negotiations start with knowledge.

thinkthrice's picture

you change your screen name to "OneOfUS" 

Good

Major Blunder's picture

I am proud of you Two and somewhat envious that I have never been and will probably never be able to bring myself to that point, I want to leave but all my reasons feel self centered and selfish. DW could go on without me but it would be difficult financially for her, she just got a promotion and raise but still she would struggle.  Plus how do you tell someone that it's over when they really haven't done a horrible act to deserve it, just that you can't do it anymore, I still love her but I'm not in love with her anymore, her kids and time have worn that down to decent room mates.

There has been alot of talk about divorce here lately, maybe that's feeding my feelings or maybe it's just that time of year.

I'll be thinking of you Two and wish you the best of luck.

TwoOfUs's picture

Thanks, Major :) 

You're right that the time of year is a lot of it. Holidays are so, so hard...especially when the way you're feeling on the inside doesn't match all the glitz an togetherness on the outside. Going to power through and try to enjoy the holidays as much as possible and then start MY new year. 

Jen_Jen's picture

Thank you for posting this blog.
I am sorry you feel this way. I read your frustration at year 10. I am year 2.5 and the issue of children of my own is the one that causes me doubts about my relationship.
Its going to be hard for me to be at year 10 without a child of my own while playing full time Mom to someone else's child. I don't think these men can ever understand. Do not give up on the dream of having your own child. Someone else's, no matter how much you love them, can never make up for a child of your own.

Siemprematahari's picture

It has taken him 10 years for his dream to lift off the ground and you have been maintaining this man the entire time? You have set aside all your hopes and dreams for this man and all he did was take, take, take. It's a good thing he has parents that help him out every year but something has to give here. He needs to be able to support himself and contribute. You've sacrificed your entire life for him and where has that left you?

I don't know that this can be fixed with therapy but you should definitely consult a lawyer and see what your options are. Do not give another decade of your life......its too short!

TwoOfUs's picture

It's not entirely fair to say I've been 'maintaining' him the entire time. He has had freelance production and writing work...as well as some directing work. It's really been in the last 3-4 years that his income has dropped to nearly nothing...because he says he needs to get "really serious" about the art if this is ever going to happen for him. 

It's also not entirely fair to say that I've set aside my hopes and dreams. I have a very good part-time job (I make about 50-60K working 20-25 hours a week) that I could make a full-time job at any moment. I am close to my family...and DH is supportive of that...and he has supported me as a writer and speaker on the side...not financially, but emotionally and artistically...he's not saying: "You can't go to that conference because I need you here earning money for us or helping at my business" for example. He's saying: "Go for it!"  He's all for me succeeding and chasing my dreams on my own...he just doesn't seem to see how his failure to bring in consistent income and the way he pursues his own dreams limits possibilities for me...he's pathologically optimistic about how much time and how much $$ things really take...how much one person can do. He doesn't seem to understand that, when I spend 4-5 hours writing really tough, technical manuals or other tech copy...I don't have the mental energy left to be creative when I get home. 

Also, I was all-in on this career path at the beginning...before I fully saw or understood how hopelessly bad he is at business. It seemed fun and exciting...and it used a lot of my talents well (writing, project management, networking, meeting with clients, etc.) I just think it either needs to happen or we need to make a clean break and walk away. I'm tired of being in limbo...but it's that good money after bad phenomenon. We have so much time and money in this thing...what if we give up right before it all comes together for us?! (Obviously...I think we do need to cut it loose...but I do recognize why it's hard to do.) 

StepUltimate's picture

You are the nicest person, a total sweetheart. Super-considerate. Thoughtful. Generous. Kind. Don't go changin!

THAT SAID: Do yourself the favor of getting a shark divorce attorney (Bad Cop) so you can both continue being your kind-hearted self (Good Cop) AND get out of StbxDH's enchanted Peter Pan Gonna Be Rich So Soon/Gotta Spend YOUR MONEY (plus an annual $60k from mommie & daddy... did I read that right?!?) fantastical frenzy train-wreck-in-the-making. Seriously. You are a medic, not a soldier, so you need a seriously-qualified legal warrior to get you through this battle so you come out intact. 

I am proud of you - as they say, progress, not perfection. You have progressed to the realization that you need to leave. Good job. Now, as others have advised upthread, is the time to get an attorney. An experienced divorce attorney.

I imagine your StbxDH's fantasy business frenzy activities will radically shift to re-focus on fighting YOU (probably funded with more money from mommie & daddy, too) and parasitically attaching himself to your future earnings. It's not like the divorce will cause him to miss work, right? He doesn't even have a JOB beyond juicing you & his parents for MORE MONEY, MORE MONEY, ad nauseum, ad infinitum. 

Glad you're blogging and getting ready to leave this insanity. Please be good to yourself. 

TwoOfUs's picture

Yes...you did read that right. That is what he blows through each year...and yet we're still in credit card debt...in a fully paid-for house in a low cost-of-living state. It's mind-boggling. 

That said. His parents are incredibly kind and generous and, if our marriage fell apart, are far more likely to write me a check to help me "get back on my feet" then they are to try to fight me in the court system for more $$$ for their son. They don't need my money and, ultimately, neither does he. When they pass, he will be a multi-millionaire. At least for a few years...lol. 

If it gets to that point, I will consult an attorney. My dad was a respected lawyer in my city, so I'll have lots of free legal counsel to choose from. But I honestly don't expect much of a fight, legally. 

barbKarin's picture

Do you have  pre-nup? If you have been supporting him for 10 years, will he be entitled to alimony?

 

I really think you should see a lawyer., Don't offer anything to him, verbal or other wise, until you do.

CLove's picture

Glad that you are getting your ducks in a row and have solid plans and a calm attitude. I am also planning an exit strategy if needed. I think everyone should have one. Seeing as how up and down things have been the past 4.5 years of our relationship - its been rocky, and DH has referred to our relationship and me as "I hit the jackpot on this one". Im still holding out on things getting better while getting my own ducks in a row, but want to have the security in case they dont.

So many times, us stepfolk have hung on, when its bad because we are "stuck" in the situation either financially or because of children. I myself have been stuck through finances. 

Keep us posted!