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Skid week from hell

TrueNorth77's picture

I almost lost it this weekend. Skids went by Crazy for Easter yesterday morning and I waited until they were gone to come out of our bedroom so I didn't have to see them- I have nothing left for them. I am in absolute bliss, knowing this is a skid-free week. It's like the sun is shining, not a care in the world (it's actually dark and snowy- IDGAF). 

SD12 tried arguing with me on Sat, saying she didn't do something DH and I clearly saw her do. I started to get pissed, DH yelled at ME to stop, in front of a friend. I looked at him like he'd lost his mind, went into the kitchen by him and told him do NOT yell at me in front of people when your daughter is arguing with me about something we clearly saw her do- you yell at SD to stop arguing with an adult. I could see him trying to think of a good comeback, found nothing, and just said "OK". Thankfully SD asked DH if she could go sleep over at her friends that night, and I didn't see her the rest of the wknd. I sure hope DH learned what not to do next time. 

There was more crap with SS15 too, but after I had a chat with him about how I will not put up with disrespect, him and I were fine. 

I talked to my therapist on Friday about how DH said skids were always in the living room by him when I was out of town for work, and how they talk to me a lot when DH is gone, but when it's DH and I they are MIA. He thinks at this age, skids like attention, and DH and I have our own dynamic that isn't as skid-focused when they are there (true). So they prefer one-on-one time with either DH or I. That makes sense, and I tend to prefer it that way anyway. I absolutely hate the dynamic when skids AND DH are around. They become obnoxious and try to get away with things they wouldn't with me. I went to dinner with friends on Fri night and when I got home, SS was in the shower with music BLARING, while DH was in the very next room (the bathroom is right by the living room) trying to watch TV. You could barely hear anything over the music. I'm like, where is that music coming from??? DH said, SS, in the shower. First of all, SS already took a shower at 1pm, and he never blares music like that when I'm around, because it's f'ng rude and he knows it, and he knows I would call him out. Then I see that SD is sitting on the couch next to DH, in my spot. She doesn't move when I walk in. All I can think is, cool, now when I sit down she will leave and it will look like I'm the reason skids don't want to hang out by DH, which, Part of me didn't care, but I was in a bad mood at this point and didn't want to be around them, So I went upstairs to bed. I could hear skids being super loud and play-fighting and DH yelling at them to be quiet, and enough. Also, they don't act like that around me, and DH yells at them every time so I don't know why they do it around him.  

Yesterday DH and I were talking about SD's attitude the past few visitation weeks, this week especially- she had given him attitude a few times also when I wasn't around. Much of it seems to be things regurgitated from Crazy. I told him I feel we're at a crossroads, or maybe just I am, but I can feel her attitude towards me shifting. He agreed he thinks it's going downhill, but he thinks when his work hours change from 12hr shifts to 8hr shifts in a few weeks that he will be around more to "lay down the hammer" and get things in line. I even explained a bit about disengaging, why SP's do it, and how I can see me disengaging even more than I do already if this continues. He actually said he understands, but when he's around he's not going to allow them to act that way to me or to him. I told him he can't force them to like me- He said no, but if he's around to be the bad guy yelling at them or enforcing consequences (ha! DH never gives consequences), then I'm the good guy of the 2 of us. lol.

We also talked about how I like to buy SD clothes/shoes sometimes when I find a good deal, but Crazy has this thing where she will go and buy the Wal-Mart version of whatever nice thing I have bought. I bought a stylish cute jacket, Crazy buys a sloppy huge sweatshirt-jacket a few weeks later, so SD wears that. I bought nice white shoes, Crazy just bought the thin cheap Wal-Mart version of them, so SD is wearing those instead. This always happens. I said I'm done buying stuff, DH agreed 100% and said I should stop, she doesn't deserve it with her attitude anyway, and if she needs something she will have to come ask him. He is frustrated with SD because the things I buy look nicer, but SD will always wear what Crazy buys instead because Crazy wants her to, and then she looks like a hobo. Fine SD, look like a hobo, I don't care.   

One of the most frustrating skid weeks I've had in years, resulting in more steps of disengagement being put into place just to keep my sanity.  

Comments

cmd88's picture

Yikes, well it sounds like your DH is trying to be more understanding and supportive... The part where you said your SD was in your spot, I know EXACTLY how that feels. Everytime I get off of work, she's in my spot next to "Daddy" if he chooses to be out in the living room... Or if we both aren't out there, she will hog the entire couch and will not move, until I said hey, go sit in your spot. So annoying... I hope that your stepchildren start acting better for you!

TrueNorth77's picture

Thank you! DH as definitely come a lonnnng way, but it's all still so annoying. Add in not being a kid person in general, and my patience is GONE. 

Dogmom1321's picture

Yes, definitely stop buying SD things with your hard earned money... just for it to go to waste. I used to buy SD12 all kinds of cute clothing when she was younger 6,7,8 years old... Did her hair for her... braids, buns, pigtails, etc.... All for SD to shove new clothes under her bed or "forget it" at BMs when she was really selling it online. And for her to just take her hair down and not brush/wash it. 

Fine, look like a hobo I guess? I realized how SD looks isn't my responsibility nor a reflection of me. 

ESMOD's picture

I also had some mixed experiences with my SD's and clothes.  the older girl was pretty picky about stuff.. but I felt so bad that she literally only had ONE pair of shoes when I met her dad.. I would pick her up things when I was at marshalls or TJ maxx etc.. and honestly.. she was picky to the point that she only wore maybe 1/5 of the stuff I bought.. so I just stopped.. It was not really appreciated.. so whatever.  YSD.. she was more appreciative.. but I did have to worry about her mom who didn't like me buying things for them because it was "overstepping.. whatever.

 

 

TrueNorth77's picture

At least it's not just me. It's so frustrating when you buy things and they don't wear it, especially when it's because of their mom. 
I will say it's kind of a relief to be done with that- I'm not going to worry about buying things for someone that's ungrateful anymore. 

ESMOD's picture

I recall one time we renewed YSD's cell phone and got her a new phone. She showed up the next week with a new phone "on mama's plan".... the phone was no nicer than the one we had gotten for  her.. it was just a run of the mill phone.. but mama couldn't stand that we had gotten her something so she got YSD spun up about using HER phone.. not ours.  this was back when you got a new phone when you renewed for 2 years.. so ugh.. on that expense!

but.. it's like they have to show alliegence to mom on all fronts.. wearing your clothes is almost a betrayal.  Even if they liked and appreciated what you did.. they still get that pressure.. esp from mom's who are insecure.

Cover1W's picture

Yep, same thing here. YSD is super picky and only will own one pair of shoes untiil they literally start falling apart - her parents don't watch this either so I gave up. I figured by age 13 if she couldn't figure out how to ask for a necessary item of clothing then not my problem. I also say many things disappear....a scarf, a nice sweatshirt/coat item, t-shirts, socks, underwear...I suspect OSD was nabbing them as they are a similar size.  I don't really buy her clothes at all any longer. She used to love the new PJs at xmas each year but this year she asked "Are these PJ bottoms?" and then never has worn them. OK, done with that now.

TrueNorth77's picture

Yes! Same exact thing with the shoes! We bought her 2 brand new pairs at the start of the school year- like the casual sneakers you can wear with anything. She also has short boots I bought her, tennis shoes, and a nice pair of white sneakers all the girls seem to be wearing. She wore 1 single pair of the new shoes we got her the entire year- that's it. They look worn out and disgusting. I finally pointed at the other 2 brand-new pairs and said, ok, you picked one of these out and you haven't even worn them yet- we don't buy you crap for you to not wear it, especially when you pick them out- they cost money.  I've seen her wear the white ones twice, then on Monday when she came back from Crazy's she was wearing a pair of super cheap white tennies from Wal-Mart. Seriously?? The ones I got were from American Eagle and way nicer! DONE. 

stepmomnorth's picture

For sure. Doesn't make sense to buy things for kids who don't appreciate the effort or use what's bought. (or do anything for someone who doesn't appreciate the effort.) I stopped doing all these nice things for my step kids also. They didn't care about anything I tried to do for them so I stopped everything. 

stepmomnorth's picture

Your partner definitely needs to be told that you guys are a partnership when it comes to disciplining the step kids..in that you need to put on a "United Front" at all costs, on all issues, when it comes to the children. He should never, ever question your authority in front of his, children, I'd make that very clear. Children will see this as a weakness and use the split of difference to insert a wedge and drive the 2 of you apart. They will also see you as "the bad guy". Your partner should also be the one to dole out any consequences. Any issue that there's a difference of opinion needs to be discussed privately.

TrueNorth77's picture

Absolutely agree, and I was pretty shocked when he "scolded" me in front of SD and my friend. I went into the house (SD and my friend were outside) to discuss it away from them and let him know it wasn't ok. He's usually pretty good, especially when it comes to SD, so I have no idea why he thought he should undermine me in front of her that day. I leave disciplining to him- I am beginning to care less and less unfortunately, so he's going to be doing more things regarding skids on his own...