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Hidden scars

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

So my SO was abused by his ex. I've been asked before how I know it's true. That the one claiming abuse is often the one who did the abuse and we all know men don't get abused. Right?

I see his scars. The way he will apologize for something completely out of his control over 100 times. The way he'll look when he knows I'm disappointed. His way of handling things that don't go his way.

This stuff stays with a person. Last night I had to practically force him to buy a decent pair of shoes.

Started with me saying I needed new jeans. Nothing said no issue and then he very timidly said he needed shoes. Then he tried to spend 30 minutes explaining why. I told him I didn't need to hear it. His work shoes were over a year old and falling apart. He has a cheap pair of slip ons and his combat boots. Enough said get a new pair.

When Wal-Mart didn't have any shoes that would work for him he was ready to give up. I put my foot down and we went to payless. After looking around the whole store I finnaly got him to try on a decent pair, good brand, yeah a bit more than Wal-Mart but they will last and be comfortable. The price was his bulking point. It's not that we couldn't afford it it's that he's not use to spending that much on his own shoes.

I'm partially pushing him out the door. Watching him put them on at home I can't tell you all the emotions I saw. When he got home from work this morning I half asleep asked if they had worked out all nice and he excitedly responded yes.

It's not just this stuff. This man allows me to get anything I want or anything for the kids but use to spend all day doing nothing because he had no hobbies himself. He's makes all kinds of excuses when it comes to spending money on himself. Even down to eating. Makes sure the kids and I have food but will trying to skip eating himself.

I love him dearly. I have my own damage but it doesn't show like this.

I've needed to get this out for a while but had no real outlet so thank you.

Comments

Cooooookies's picture

Oh my stars my DH does the same! When I moved in with him, he constantly wore t-shirts that were too short on him. Everyone could see the bottom of his stomach. BM2 had spent years telling him he wasn't good enough. Not even for t-shirts that fit correctly. He'll do anything to get things for SS14 and I. He'll even buy things for my BS16 but really hesitates to buy something for himself.

Nothing is ever his fault, he gets very mad and defensive. BM2 spent 16 years convincing him that everything was his fault.

So much more I could list. Some scars run very deep. It's heart breaking.

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

When I met him he had almost no clothes at all. Besides work he had maybe 1 pair of jeans and 2 shirts that didn't even fit him well. When they separated she basicly left him homeless and he has no idea where all his stuff went. We found one box at his mom's but it was all army stuff. I bought him a few shirts early on. Not alot just tshits. About six months in for both kids birthdays we took a trip to the zoo. While there we went into the Disney store and I bought everyone a shirt.

By the time we got home his already had a hole in the seem. He apologized countless times. I was upset but never at him. It wasn't his fault it was poorly made. It took forever for him to understand and see it the way I did.

He is still that way. He will wear things to threads and like I said give 100 reasons he needs something new. We pretty much combined our money after our individual big bills our paid. Last night I said I needed jeans because mine had a huge tear.

While at the store I said we need to get the kids some more underwear next month before they stay the extended time in the summer. No questions asked about to go get it. Reminded him it could wait but he needed shoes. So yeah everyone but himself.

It makes me mad but not at him. I've told him I don't know everything she did and I have no clue how she could.

He'll flinch and say "don't hit me" sometimes. I've said over and over I will never hit him. That no one deserves to beat for any reason.

CLove's picture

My SO actually has the physical scars of when BM dug her nails into the back of his neck. And he flinches sometimes. She would punch him when drinking. And 2 weeks ago, she choked her own daughter, slapped her and body slammed her against the wall. These types of things leave emotional and physical scars. Its really sad.

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

His old boss told me where the scars on his face came from. He has alot all over from the army but his boss said he use to come in with fresh scratches and try to say they got a new cat. After the 2nd time boss didn't buy it anymore.

CLove's picture

My SO - he is a big burly man. Soft-spoken mainly, super friendly and nice. He told me that he didn't put her in jail because of the children. The children grew up watching that happen - watching her verbally abuse him, watching her throw things at him, in addition to the above I mentioned.

I get sad sometimes seeing the hurt in his eyes when he recounts the turbulence.

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

I have to push to get him to aknowlage it was abuse and not whatever else a victim wants to call it. He was afaird to do anything because he was milatry and his experience watching others was that the man still gets blamed When it comes to domestic abuse calls.

It's interesting. Recently she sent a screen shot if some old texts to the lawyer for discovery. One party is talking about being slapped, scratched and otherwise attacked until they pushed the other away. The second party in the text aknowlage that's what happened. She's trying to say it's proof that he was abusive to her and that he admitted in it that text.

Except she didn't pay much attention. It clearly identifies him as the one who sent the messages about the abuse and she's the one saying yes.

Yes she's that stupid I just don't know why her lawyer didn't catch it?

Oh and my SO is smaller than his ex.

CLove's picture

BM, So's ex, is over 200 lbs, and 5'5 ish. Very heavy, with a mean streak, and comes at people like an angry bull. Shes gotten into fights with many people over the years. She isn't afraid to fight dirty. And SO, did not want to end up in jail defending himself.

I still to this day do not know exactly what he saw in this woman.

That sounds like my BM too. Stupid. One time, she was arguing with her boyfriend, Tweedles, and she tried to get out of the car while it was still moving, and rolled into a ditch. She woke the next day, bruised, and accused Tweedle of beating on her.
LOL. We can play the game of who has the dumbest BM!

Aniki-Moderator's picture

BioHo is 5'1", weighs over 200 lbs, and wears 2-3x. She is a drunk with a mean streak who likes to verbally castrate men once she gets her hooks into them. My DH is a jarhead who was trained to kill with his bare hands. 'Ho would shove and hit DH, but he never retaliated.

However, he DID buy into her verbal abuse - thinks he's unattractive and that his... member is not sufficient. I have told him countless times that it's the PERFECT size for ME and it's not his fault BioHo needs a facking telephone pole to plug that nasty gash. After 7 years, he finally believes his size is sufficient, but still believes he's ugly. I'd like to Flying Five Fist Monkey C*nt Punch that freakin' 'Ho back to the Stone Age.

CLove's picture

I would love love love to do the same to the Bully B!tch who decided that SO wasn't good enough for her because he is Filipino and she is white. His sisters have told me this, that she always treated him as beneath her. She never like the fact that he is handsome and charming and women love him, she was always jealous of the attention he received.

I LOVE that my friends and family LOVE him to pieces. I am always telling him this, after he tells me of her jealousy and then I let him know that he is handsome and awesome. She was always calling him an a$$hole for taking her wine away. This woman drinks until falling down in her own puke.

Just plain ugly. After her caught her cheating, he threw her and her stuff out, actually paid for first months rent on an apartment and she STILL snuck in using Winona's key. This went on until I was in his life.
}:)

Cooooookies's picture

BM2 always told DH that his accent wasn't good enough. He has a south London accent (cockney) and I tell him all the time I think it's sexy. Truly, he could just softly talk in my ear and the accent would drive me wild.

He's mentioned many times that BM2 used to tell him "Stop fumbling!" while in bed. Lawdy this man does not fumble and rocks my world in a way that makes my everything shake with pleasure.

Every one of their used to be male mutual friends, married or not, would confess to DH that they wanted BM2. I said but why is that? Who is the common factor, who is making them think they have a shot? All to blow your confidence apart.

He still thinks he's ugly. Despite women flirting with him all the time because he's so lovely and charming.

She has told SS14 that the reason they divorced is because DH drank too much. Yet she used to drink so much that she'd make an absolute fool of herself at pubs and clubs and while on holidays. BM2's last birthday while they were still married, she fell in between two single beds and slept like that all night because she was so drunk.

Never mind that she left him, twice, for another man and the last time she "accidentally" called out that man's name in bed. Accident my arse.

But ya know...it was ALL DH's fault. Of course. I'd dearly love to kill this woman.