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Soooo over my DH

TJH100911's picture

So yesterday my spineless DH drives 20 mins to and from BM house. You would think the only thing that warrants this on a non-skid night would be an emergency. Well apparently SS8 not wanting to do his spelling words is an emergency. Did I mention our DD is 3 months old? She goes to bed at 7:30 so by the time he gets off work, you get the picture. Between catering to BM and catering to his mother he has about five total minutes for her. I can't even stand to look at him.

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TJH100911's picture

We have no problem disciplining ss and getting him to do homework while he is here. We don't need BM to jump to our rescue because SS doesn't want to do his spelling words. Bm should be able to handle it when he is at her house just like we handle it here. And it isn't just one night without seeing his daughter. the night before bm didn't show up to the agreed upon meeting place. What did dh do? He waited for 45 minutes. No sooner did he get home that she called and he jumped up and ran 20 minutes back. If bm does t know how to handle her child, he should be with us. Then dh doesn't have to jump and run to her rescue and he can spend time with ALL his children.

Personally I don't think this even warrants a phone call from BM or having DH "talk" to him over the phone. Like I said. We handle this just fine without calling Her to rescue us. He's 8.

WalkOnBy's picture

while I agree that BM should handle this kind of thing in her home, YOUR husband is the one who actually went over there, so your biggest issue is with him. I totally understand why you feel the way you do.

here's how this conversation would have gone in my house when Medusa was still in the picture...

ring ring ring ring ring ring ring.....

My DH would never have gone to Medusa's house to tell his kids to do their homework. That's just ridiculous Sad

TJH100911's picture

Which is why I titled my blog sooooo over DH. Bm can pull whatever she wants to pull. Dh lets her pull it and ruins our marriage in the meantime.

WalkOnBy's picture

Yeah - I wish those DHs who do these kinds of things could truly see the impact it has on their wives Sad

I find it infuriating when a man spends more time pleasing his EX wife rather than his current wife....

TJH100911's picture

It was the fourth anniversary Of my daughters death. (She was 22 months). I could have used some support here.

another step's picture

I am so very sorry for your loss!!! Yes - he should have stayed with you. His actions were ridiculous. Apparently he wants to pay two sets of child/spousal support!

Snowflake's picture

Tommar - why are you on this site? Really, a defiant kid isn't worth putting a ripple in your marriage over.

WalkOnBy's picture

You know, Snowflake, sometimes it is. Sometimes it's the culmination of years of watching your husband cater to BM or skid or whatever.

This is not a one off thing for OP from what she writes. It's an ongoing and conscious choice of her DH to choose placating BM and doing HER parenting for her.

WalkOnBy's picture

She may very well be a bad mom, tommar, but that's not Dad's problem. As long as Dad continues to do BM's share of parenting, she is never going to step up.

And, this is a young child and we're talking about spelling words. What - is dad supposed to mollycoddle this kid? Is he always supposed to bail BM out?

At some point, kids have to learn how to take responsibility and parents have to learn to let go.

A phone call telling the kid to get his ass in gear and get his spelling done? Ok, I will give you that one, but to go over to BM's house? Nuh-uh, no way...

WalkOnBy's picture

Or not, and that's not Dad's problem, either. If BM wants her kid going through life as an illiterate, and she has the majority of the time, there is not one damn thing Dad can do about it.

Read The.Sane.One's blog posts about this very issue.

WalkOnBy's picture

I would let my 8 year old learn that if you don't do your spelling words, you get in trouble with mom or dad, yeah. It's better to let them learn this lesson over 2nd grade spelling words than 11th grade AP Chemistry, kwim??

In the end, you are right - if this is what her DH wants to do, and it's a deal breaker for her, then it's time to move on.....

You gotta let your kids fail once in a while - that's how they learn to get back up. That's why my skids are completely incapable of handling adversity. Medusa did EVERYTHING for them and my DH believes that they are too old to be taught differently.

WalkOnBy's picture

do you do the work for your kids? Do you do their chores for them?

Do you enable them?

Or, and I suspect this is what you do, do you teach them responsibility and accountability???

As long as parents do spelling homework for an 8 year old, that 8 year old will never learn to do for himself and his asshole BM will continue to cry out for help from Dad.

WalkOnBy's picture

but can't dad get kid to do his work on the phone? Is it really necessary to run over to BM's???

I would much rather kids learn about consequences and not doing school work when they are in elementary (very little long-term consequences) versus high school. As a trained teacher, it makes much more sense to me to teach them responsibility and accountability at a very young age.

I, too, had a stubborn kid Smile

WalkOnBy's picture

I did the same as you, but only up to a point. I did have to keep a much closer eye on Twin2, as he really struggled with ADHD and concentration. Man oh man, there were times when I thought he was going to sleep at the dining room table Smile

Here is the thing - I NEVER even thought about calling Asshat to come to my house and make anyone do anything. He probably would have laughed his ass off and told me to handle the kids myself - AS HE SHOULD!!

If they decided that they didn't want to study their spelling words, and got a bad grade, they lost some kind of privilege. Didn't take very long for any of them to catch on - lol!!!

But, in the end, you are right - Dude is gonna do what he is gonna do and OP is going to have to make her choices accordingly.

I have told my DH that once ASS graduates from high school, DH will be living with me or living with ASS, but not both. I have told him many, many times that I WILL move out. That's my line in the sand. Hopefully, he will live up to his statements that he will be living with me.

TJH100911's picture

Ss test wasn't until today. This happened weds night. We had skids last night. At our house the rule is we go over words with as if he isn't throwing tantrums. If he throws tantrums we tell him to go over them himself and if he gets below a b, he gets no video games until the next spellong test (2 weeks). If he goes over words with no problem and gets less than a b we are not mad. The problem is the video games so we take that out of the equation until he proves he can handle it. There was absolutely no reason for him to go down there (he agrees) other than to save bm from having to parent her child. This is not an emergency. He has other children. Ss can go over spellong with us the next day (or that night if be can't handle him)

TJH100911's picture

There's nothing I can do about it. If I leave my marriage, DD is still going to get the shaft while DH runs to take care of BM. If I stay, he will continue to be afraid of her and run to take care of her. That's why I was venting.

DH and I did talk. He agrees it was wrong and he should not have done it. But I am not optimistic that it won't continue to happen. The only play I have is to take care of my daughter by myself (which is no different, really, than what i have been doing) and let him and BM figure out how to take care of skids. Right now I am helping DH a lot as it relates to Skids. He has joint custody, but the reality is they are mostly with us. If I have to take care of DD by myself, I don't have time to take care of Skids who already have two parents AND me. Let's face it. The way it is right now DD has me. While SKIDS have DH, BM AND me.

WalkOnBy's picture

have you spoken to him about how BM needs to learn to handle her kids when they are with her?? And that as long as he comes running to her rescue, BM is never going to change?? And how he is NOT teaching his kid how to be a responsible and accountable for his own homework????

What does he say?

TJH100911's picture

He agrees 100% to my face, but the sticking point is that he is afraid of bm. Didn't used to be this way. But now she claims since we had Dd she is going to take skids. Be interested to see how she handles spelling words when she does that.

WalkOnBy's picture

So, she's threatening to cut off his access to them now that you two have DD?? Bitch.

She's not taking the skids, because then she would actually have to parent them.

Tell your DH to call her bluff - she's playing chicken and she knows your husband is not going to be the first one to blink....

TJH100911's picture

She is a bad mom. My personal thought is that DH tells bM if you can't handle ss I'm coming to get him. We don't have problems disciplining and doing spelling words here. BM would learn to "handle" an 8 year old who doesn't feel like doing his spelling words real quick and Dd could also spend time with her dad for once. I'm not one of those sm's who wants the skids out of my house and wants to create a competition for my dh attention. i just want Dd to be as much his child as skids. And because Dd has a mom who can take care of her (and 2 skids) she gets the shaft while skids have BM, DH AND me. DD only has me and rarely Dh. Seriously. Too much time saving BM.

TJH100911's picture

And DH agrees and agrees with me. But he doesn't have the backbone to do what it takes, which is go get the kid if she can't take care of him. Or at least tell her he's going to.

hereiam's picture

Unless BM over here was up to something, she would never have admitted that she had no control over my SD doing her homework. Not that that would have been an issue, she wanted SD to fail in school but that's another issue.

What in the hell is wrong with your DH? Why was going over there so necessary? Why could he not have talked to SS on the phone?

So, what happened when your DH got there? What did he do that no other human being (BM) could do?

TJH100911's picture

He went over ss spelling words. And told ss if he didn't go over spellong words with dh, bm was going to send him to bed.

hereiam's picture

Yeah, I think BM could have handled that. At the very least, your DH could have had the same chat with him on the phone, "Do your spelling or BM will be sending you to bed."

I hope BM enjoyed the time with your DH.

DaizyDuke's picture

Huh? He drove to BMs house because SS didn't want to do his spelling words? What did he do when he got there, that BM could not have done herself?? If BM2 called with something so asinine I can imagine the conversation would have gone like this

BM2: Can you come over? SS is refusing to do his spelling words
DH: Um no, I'm not coming over there, put SS on the phone
DH: SS what is the problem? Why am I getting a phone call from your mother for this kind of nonsense. Do your damn spelling words or there will be no (insert whatever punishment here) for a week.
BM: Well, he still refuses to do them.
DH: Then so be it. No (insert whatever punishment here) for a week and he can fail the 3rd grade and be in 3rd grade again next year. Then maybe he'll do his spelling words. Good bye

But my DH HATES, LOATHES, DESPISES BM2 so I'm quite certain he would rather jam an elephant up his butt before making a special trip to BMs house to be on the spelling homework "team" .... nope. would never happen.

DarkStar's picture

Given your past blogs...I think that BM is trying to do anything she can to put focus on SS and off your new little one.

And your DH is falling for it.

I read your past blogs for a refresher....it seems that your DH has been pretty good about putting BM in her place, what all happened to change that?

TJH100911's picture

Because they love me and Dd. this isn't their fault. It's dh's fault. And I don't have to. I want to. But I don't want dd to continue to be overlooked Either. She's a baby. Someone has to take care of her. If I wasnt home what would dh have done then? Leave her home alone to go cater to bm?

notasm3's picture

I don't care if you love them. It is totally unfair for your daughter to pay the price. You said all she has is you. Don't screw her out of your time and attention too.

WalkOnBy's picture

Yup - this is exactly what happens. I am sorry you have to go through this, monkey Sad

I had a therapist once who told me that people do what works for them. Regardless of whether it's good or bad, if it works for them, they're gonna do it.

I think it needs to be amended to "BMs do what works for them..."

Tuff Noogies's picture

o/t WOB - *SQUEALS!!!* I LOVE UR NEW AVATAR!!!!!

need to get me a pair... }:)

WalkOnBy's picture

Tuff - I am actually wearing a pair right now that are very similar to them!!

JustFab.com, babe Smile

blayze's picture

Right...notasm3 is right. No way should we help a man take care of his kid when he's not taking care of us!!!

My darling SO is now well aware of my commandment: THOU SHALT PUT NO OTHER WOMAN BEFORE ME (that includes his mama, his daughter, and especially his nasty ex). haha

Man/woman take care of each other so that both can take care of the kids. When SO is taking care of me, we have the happiest, most fun, activity and laughter-filled home. But I will NOT provide a nice home for his kids if my man isn't treating me right. They already have one strike against them because of their mother. Blum 3

Now a few times, he did fall for BM's shit and chose to make BM's drama a priority over me/our relationship... until he saw my counter-punch: Your kids are dead to me and your balls shall remain dry!

If our relationship is not a priority, then I give no attention, no love, no time, nothing to half-BM kids, and I call him out about looking like BM's little bitch, thus I can't "feel turned on". He hated that. Biggrin Being selfish works! I IGNORED his children, went on about my life, and paid attention to my child ONLY. I'm good to his children, they crave female attention (since their mom sucks) and they like spending time with me so my inattention spoke loudly. It was hard for SO to explain where I was all the time...and he was royally pissed when he realized that his kids are NOT entitled to any of my energy... I do it all for him. My MAN sees how great life is for his "family" when I'm fully engaged. Luckily, he fell in line and we HAPPILY live to tell about it. Wink

No one else's kid is more important than YOU. Spend your energy educating your man and fighting for yourself. (Your child will benefit from this.) Because this BM is pulling indirect attacks on your relationship and your man is weak as hell falling for it.

What hereiam above said was right on... BM is ENJOYING your man coming to her rescue. This chick is playing BOTH OF YOU - rubbing it in YOUR face. She's more important than you. HER child is more important than you. She's testing your man. You know how these bitches do it, right? Your man may not, but you do. Help him wise up -- before you end up hating him and those kids that "love you and dd".

TJH100911's picture

I can't control him. And it's not the kids' fault. It's his. and I can't even stand to look at him right now. Apart from only having time for my dd, which I do if he isn't going to help me, just bm, I don't know what else to do. There will be no change if we divorce. That won't solve it.