Ex wife and husband’s entire family
Hello all,
My husband & his ex wife have been divorced for 7 years, they have 2 children together, who are grown. I want to know why she can't move on?? She stays in constant contact with his family & it's obvious they all adore her, although they have NO CLUE what a Bitch she can be. It's all over Facebook, the I love you's, we miss you, I miss you guys, hearts & liking & loving EVERY post! She still inserts herself like she's part of the family & his family invites her to do so, whether it's a family death or someone is in the hospital, etc. It has gotten so bad that none of his family has a relationship with me. My mother-in-law doesn't speak to me, but still refers to "her" as her DIL. I have cut ties with the whole family, I do not attend any get togethers whatsoever anymore. They can have each other! What I want to know is what is the Ex Wife's agenda here, sure she had relationships with his family while they were married, but she still has not moved on, and in my eyes this is keeping her from doing so. WHY would you still want to be so attached to your EX husbands family if you aren't trying to get something out of it?? I can see being cordial but this goes way beyond being cordial. I have ex family also & they are good people but I would never stay so attached to them, in a way it's like staying attached to my ex husband, and we have both moved on. With all that being said, since I have cut ties, I feel so much better now, but I still can't help but wonder what her agenda is, is she still in love with my husband or what?
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I have one explanation the BM
I have one explanation the BM and your DH's family are enmeshed and are crazy nut jobs sorry to be so blunt but that is the way I am. My MIL is the same way when it comes to BM. Last year BM showed up at my house when she knows that she is not allowed at my house but she showed up anyway so MIL and her could chat. BM thought she could get away with being able to come over because MIL was here but she was wrong. I told DH that this was never going to happen again. I said if BM and MIL want to have a relationship that I cannot stop that but I can control who comes to my house. I told DH to deal with MIL and BM or I would. You have a DH problem because he does not stand up for you to his family or to the BM. Like I said you cannot control people's actions but you and your DH can set boundaries and not allow these people to disrupt your lives. If your DH's family want to stay enmeshed with the BM then so be it but your DH should tell them that he will not be around while the BM is around because they are divorced which means that BM needs to back off and his family needs to stop inviting BM over to family gatherings etc. These BM's just cannot let go of the past for some reason and they will continue to do it if someone allows them to.
OMG I'm so sorry, that is
OMG I'm so sorry, that is entirely unfair and massively disrespectful to you.
BM is doing it to keep her foot in the door of being relevant. The bigger issue is how your inlaws are treating you, who are your family now and should be treating you as such. You and your DH need to set some serious boundaries tell them off for disrespecting you and his relationship with you.
We have a similar problem
We have a similar problem with MIL and BIL. They know that BM was terrible to DH. They witnessed her screaming at him multiple times while they were married. They also witnessed her craziness and MIL knows that DH and I went to counseling before we got married because BM was being a terror. MIL told me that she hoped I wouldn't let BM ruin our relationship. Despite knowing all this, both MIL and BIL insist on telling DH that he needs to be "nicer" to BM and realize she "is a good person". BIL even got involved in helping BM "compile evidence" against DH for the last mediation (evidence which was never presented, because there wasn't anything!). Then MIL will make arrangements to break the CO behind DH's back. Granted, DH wouldn't be there, so it's not really breaking the CO, but in BM's mind it is. Anytime BM gives time to MIL or BIL, she expects DH to make up for it, even if he wasn't involved at all.
To further complicate matters, BIL's wife is still angry that DH got a divorce in the first place - nearly 8 years ago! - so she refuses to see Skids when DH is around, meaning BIL has to work through BM if he wants to see the kids. Mind you, BIL's wife is not angry with BM even though she was the one who demanded the divorce. DH didn't want a divorce, even though he was miserable, because he thought it was "best for the children" if he stay married. BIL's wife conveniently ignores that and won't talk to DH, but will talk to BM.
Moral of the story - dysfunctional families are not logical. People hold on to things for weird reasons and people overlook bad behavior on the part of "family" members because they think they should. I never realized how functional my family was until I met DH's trainwreck of a family. I'm sure that they view me as the problem, because DH has finally put up some boundaries and distanced himself from them.
Exactly! I know that I now
Exactly! I know that I now will be and probably already am labeled as "the problem". We are supposed to attend a family event this weekend but I told my husband immediately that I would not be attending, so then he said if I wasn't going, he wasn't going. I have no problem with him attending if he would like to but I'm sure I will now be labeled as the wife who is keeping the son, cousin, etc. away from his family. I have just been the understanding one for way too long, trying to put a smile on my face and be the better person, but when it's comes to being disrespected as my husbands wife, that's where I draw the line. Sorry, not sorry! So glad I'm not alone, it's nice to hear people say that I have a right to feel the way I do instead of well she's the mother of his kids, she is still family & should be welcomed to any & everything! I've heard that shit for far too long now!! I am a mother of 2 children from my 1st marriage & my ex husbands wife can't say I insert myself in their lives or his families lives at all!
The key is your H. He needs
The key is your H. He needs to draw a boundary with his family, and make it about HIS feelings so you won't become the target. Has he told his family in the most direct way that HE is uncomfortable being around BM? That he doesn't like her, doesn't want to see her, and needs his family to support him?I
Some families aren't very good with boundaries. If your H makes this about his feelings and comfort level, and his people ignore his request, then nothing is going to change and you'd be wise to keep your distance.
He has talked to his mom
He has talked to his mom about it, but it's not really done any good. BM is the mother of her grandchildren & im just his wife, haha. I don't have any biological kids with my husband so I guess I don't matter in her eyes. I dont want to come in between my husband & his mom so I just don't push the issue anymore. I just don't have to attend anything anymore when I'm not comfortable to do so & he just has to support me on that!
Definitely this ↑ ↑. As a
Definitely this ↑ ↑ from exjulie. As a SM, sometimes your worst enemy in "trying to make it all work" can be your own DH. Divorced men, often feeling overwhelmed, are inclinced to take the easy way out FOR THEM at the moment, which can too often wind up being the hard way out in the long run.
Our DHs can be accidentally, accidentally on purpose, or even on purpose sometimes setting us up for failture. For example, to make things easier for himself and despite that he himself may feel God-awlful around his own ex-, he'll tell his relatives that you don't want him around BM and that is why he doesn't want to come. Or, a DH may share personal information with his own adult children or in-laws, such as you and him had an argument the other day. To him, it'll be by-the-by, but the kids will interpret it as if you are beating his a$$ and that he needs them to rescue him or such.
The list goes on and on. For most SMs here, our DHs are not known for their cojones. If BM has never married or been involved in a serious relationship after your DH, she may be still enjoying herself with the ol' in-laws, but she may also be trying to ever-remind her DH that she is still large and in charge, and if DH does nothing to rebuff that, then the rest of the family may still see her as being in charge. Now, you'd think the ol' in-laws would get this, but they probably figure, "Hey, if mom still likes her and DH doesn't have a problem with it, what's the big deal? I don't know why XYZ has a problem with it."
So, there you go. You are "innocently" set up for failure by your own DH because early-on he didn't say it like it was and instead chose to take the easy way out. Repeat DH taking the easy way out over and over, and what you have is a divorced-dad-patsy man or Disney dad, who is loved by his kids mainly for being such a pushover. Yet, who winds up paying the price? Not dad nor BM nor grandma, that's for sure, but SM. She winds up being Evil SM to the max. Yeah, disengaging at this point is your best bet and letting the chips fall where they may regarding your inlaws. Much easier to blame outsider SM than admit that mom mishandled the whole fiasco going way back when. My guess is DH's entire family is big on taking the easy way out.
Toxic Troll
Bm, she is no longer allowed to family functions, but earlier this year, when my MIL was on her deathbed, she decided she wanted to show up!
She showed up once and DH and I left before she got there with SD21. I guess she felt so "welcomed" (they were being polite) that she was going to show up for another evening vigil with the family. DH had asked her not to, and she told SD14 that "she didnt care what DH said she was going anyway". When SD14 told me this, I texted SIL, who texted SD21, "tell your mother please do not attend vigil. If she chooses to attend anyway, she will be escorted out."
Thank goodness none of them really like her. I cant imagine how that would feel, to have a toxic person who broke up the family be welcomed with open arms and open hearts, and then treating you like garbage.
Im so sorry they are treating you so badly, they sound extremely dysfunctional.
Definitely disengage, and understand thats on THEM. And DH needs to have a family heart-to-heart and let them know the deal. Sure BM is the mother of their little DNA samples, but thats where it needs to end.
I can so relate! So listen to
I can so relate! So listen to this. My FIL passed away this year but before he passed away he spent a lot of time in the hospital. The 1st day he was taken in by ambulance, the BM showed up and was so dramatic, crying & all with his family. She should not have showed up that day, period! BM was at the hospital all the time, bringing lunch to the family. If she wanted to visit the hospital 1 or twice, it would have been fine but she was there ALL THE TIME, gathered with the family. Every time I was at the hospital & she showed up, I walked out. I was labeled as the bad person, but guess what she shouldn't have been there & I shouldn't have be put in that situation! She showed up at the hospice center 15 mins after they got there, again bringing lunch to the family. She walked into the funeral with the family & sat with the family!!!!! I was beyond upset about this, I wont repeat what my husband mumbled when he saw her walking in with his family. And during this whole terrible time my MIL wasn't speaking to me, but eating the ex wife up with a spoon! That is another reason I AM DONE! I didn't deserve it & still don't, I was good to all of them, but enough is enough! My husband did confront his family about her being at the hospital so much & he also confronted BM about sitting with the family at the funeral but she got mad & said it was not disrespectful & that he was crazy!
That would never happen here with our BM
She and SD want nothing to do with DH and his relations. Hospital visits, funerals? Forget it. They'll definitely show up to the reading of the will though to see what they're "entitled" to. Freaking vultures
Well it seems neither mind
Well it seems neither mind each others company.
Yeah, lots of men hang out
Yeah, lots of men hang out with their old lovers, and the man's new wife or GF has no problem with it. You see this all the time! It happens so often that if I go to a restaurant and see two similarly aged women with an equally aged man, I just assume it is a man with his GF and his ex- something or another dining out. A sure-deal if there are a couple of kids at the table too. Men don't mind hanging out with the ol' BF or two either. A couple of men hanging out with baby-momma and various children from one dad or another. Nice. Yep, the new wife or husband or GF or BF just has to suck it up and take it for the sake of the Golden 'ol ex-. After all, we know that all that matters is what works for BM or bio-dad. It's all about them. Who gives a hoot about the new husband or wife. *bomb*
Well I have caught up with my
Well I have caught up with my ex recently (we had no children). Through social media friends and he responded to a request to support our business since we had to change our model for covid restrictions. We gave him a good deal. It's an unspoken courtesy that neither of us bring the topic to relationships and stick to just business. I wouldn't mind catching up with him again as a friend and neither does DH once in a blue moon. But he'll be like a friendly client you catch up with for a meal once a year, not emeshed with any of our family.
If your DH is OK with it, no
If your DH is OK with it, no problem. Just like if he wanted to hang out with his ex-, for whatever reason, and you had no problem with that, it'd be OK too.
Wow!
"Well it seems neither minds each other's company"
See, this comment right here is where I have my issue. I am an ex wife myself and I know that my place has changed as my husband's ex wife. I no longer have the right to be front & center in his life or his families lives, and he doesn't have that right with me or my family. After 7 years of being divorced and you still feel the need to remain so close to your ex spouses family, you have issues, especially when your children are now grown! I don't have time to connect with my ex family in that way, I have moved on, and have my life now. It is disrespectful to my husband & myself for the ex wife and his family to be this way. It also causes major trust issues with my husbands family. I don't want them to know anything that is going on in our lives because I don't want that info going back to his ex wife, it's non of her business! I'm sick of everyone thinking that these relationship are ok, no harm done, because that's BS!
OP, maybe it's time for your
OP, maybe it's time for your DH to join you in taking a step back from his family. Perhaps when they don't get to see him, or the gskids during his custody time, they'll gradually realize things have changed.
Unfortunately, you took on the role of Persecutor when you walked out during a family crisis, so the target is currently on your back. Can you see how your actions were spun and used against you? You made it easy for them to cast you as a jealous and controlling B. In steplife, you need to always be aware of stuff like that and position yourself sympathetically. It should have been your H who stormed out, with you apologetically telling the family "I'm sorry, but having to deal with BM being here at such a time is just too much for poor DH." Can you see the difference, and which scenario would have been more likely to produce the desired result?
If your H is willing to stand with you and tell his people "Look, I can't stand exwife. She did X & Y & Z to me and the kids when we were together, and it feels like a betrayal when you associate with her. I'm trying to move forward and create healthy boundaries, but I can't because she won't let go of MY family.", and he backs that up with no contact, it may change their attitude. But this is your H's battle, and he needs to stand up for himself.
Can you and your DH get on the same page regarding this? Would he be willing to go no contact if necessary?
I completely understand what
I completely understand what you are saying. It's not the we hate the BM, I don't like her, but hate is strong word. It's just that she has really been spiteful to us, A LOT! Of course, his family doesn't see that side of her. It's also bc she is ALWAYS there, whenever anything happens in his family, she inserts herself like she's still the wife or DIL. Also, on FB (which I know sounds kinda petty) but she is all over his families posts, etc. Also, DH's cousin tagged him & the BM in a post with him, his ex wife, & their son at a senior moment at school. He would have never wanted them to take that pic & post it. All I want is for her to MOVE ON!! My husband would definitely step back from his extended family, but I'm not sure he would with his mom & im not sure I'd want him too. I don't want to come in between them. I also just wish I knew what the BMs agenda was in staying so close to his family. It's not like her kids are young. They are both grown & can see and have contact with their entire family without her. It's just so frustrating. I think she does it to spite me, maybe I'm wrong, but she's been so spiteful, why would I think otherwise? I would never be this disrespectful to my ex husband or his current wife!
What a hell, and what an
What a hell, and what an opportunity for your DH to have said something, “DH's cousin tagged him & the BM in a post with him, his ex-wife, & their son at a senior moment at school.” He should have responded back, “Are you married to my ex- now?”
OP, there isn’t a single SM here who doesn’t know what you are going thru. However, putting aside truly Evil SMs and SKs, which are far and few between, the main determinants of how well a SM gets along with her SKs and in-laws are DH and BM. If you have a manipulative, controlling BM and weaker, enabling DH that equals step-hell. BM's agenda doesn't matter. It simply is what it is.
Unfortunately, there is little to nothing you can do about BM. She can be the biggest be.atch on the planet and be manipulating, PAS’ing, and controlling her kids and in-laws to the max., or even her ex-husband, your DH, and still BM will always come out smelling like a rose because she is BM. If it comes down to nice bioless dad’s new wife or total ho BM, the mother of their blood grandkids, cousins and so on, they’ll pick total ho BM every time. Extremely unfair, but the reality.
However, someone who can do something about how you are being treated is your DH. He is a blood relative or dad, and therefore has the ability to deflate BM’s over-inflated ego in a way you, a SM, will never be able to. Yet, so many of our DHs wind up being confrontational cowards, and, like I mentioned above, some even have no problem hiding behind SM’s skirt and using her as a buffer.
Now, you and your DH could sit things out, and I advise that—that you choose whether or not you want to attend and DH can choose on his own. Remember, his choice is seperate from yours. However, I’d strongly advise your DH to learn and learn quickly to confront his mother and the rest of his family on this. They are being absolutely turds, and it is not only an insult to you, but to him as well. This is something many forget—you may not like SM for whatever reason, but to insult SM, dad’s wife is to also insult her husband, dad.
Best of luck to you, but you have to leave this to your DH to handle. If he won’t, then you have your decision and sit out anything to do with them. Let them have BM all to themselves. Maybe they’ll learn something when they are left alone with BM and they no longer have you around to jointly poke fun at. Typically, when a bunch of bullies go missing their scapegoat, they quickly find a new one. Maybe it’ll be BM?
BTW: YOU are not coming between DH and his family. Your DH is permitting his ex- to come between you and his family. Big difference, and his choice.
Let's see BMs possible
Let's see BMs possible motives...
She still wants your DH
She isn't in love with your DH anymore but she is super nosey about his current life.
She just wants to be relevant in his life because she can't fully let go.
She has no friends or family of her own.
She enjoys pissing you off and likes to show you she still has the favor of the in-laws and has power in your family.
She and the in laws don't like you equally.
Overall fuck em, I wouldn't attend any of these things other than the required events like funerals, and even then I'd just make the required appearance and leave.
I don't think your in laws will accept you unless you have children, and when you do expect them to try to triangulate to cause more drama. Your in laws need hobbies.