Boyfriends daughter is a piece of work.
long story short - my boyfriend got this girl pregnant when he was 19. Over the years he paid child support but she kept moving and would keep the daughter from him. I met him 4 years ago and he still didn’t have anything to do with the daughter. Last year, the guy who played her father finally gave in and told her the truth. So! My boyfriend, the mother and his daughter went to therapy a few times because she didn’t know how else to get to know him and that’s where he found out she was 7 months pregnant at 17. Fast forward a year to now and she’s only seen us a handful of times. The first few months my boyfriend dished out all sorts of money for her. Needed money for the new baby, he gave a $100.00’ she needed money for her graduation package (175$ it was just handouts everywhere. He even went to the extent of adding her to our phone plan because she didn’t have a cell phone. He’s reasoning behind that was so she could keep in touch with him, etc. It started to cause problems between him and I because i could see how much she was taking advantage of him. My therapist recommended that I just step back and support him no matter what because as odd as it was his “relationship” with her was him supporting her by paying her phone bill and whatever else. This was his way of being tied to her even though it hasn’t been effective. Well, we just went about 4 months without hearing from her but now she needed a new phone bc her speaker broke. So she asked if he would buy her a phone and she would pay the $25 upgrade price each month. He of course agreed because it was something she wanted from him. When ever graduated high school, I’m not even sure she needed the money for that graduation package all along. But my issues starting to get worse with her because i see what she’s doing to him. Let’s punish him and take whatever we can from him because he wasn’t in my life all of these years. Even though she knows the mother kept her from him, she’s still best friends with her mom but only contacts my boyfriend when she needs something. When is enough, enough? I’ve spent 4 years with him and he’s been raising my 8 year old son as if he was his own. People never believe they aren’t father and son because of the relationship they’ve developed. But anyway, he already pays the 60$ a month for her phone bill. Now we’re tacking on another $25 for the new phone. And now I see she added herself to our Apple Music so that’s another $5. I’m starting to get very annoyed at the fact that he does this stuff and I don’t want it to cause problems between us but I just hate seeing him being taken advantage of. Am I over-reacting or is it fair to say she’s just a pile of crap and she clearly doesn’t care to have him around unless it benefits her?
I would say you are correct,
I would say you are correct, she is just using him and punishing him. HOWEVER, no good will come of you voicing this to your boyfriend, that's just the sad fact. If he's happy being the wallet, there's really nothing you can say or do to stop him and saying anything negative is just going to cause problems between the two of you. Until he realizes himself that she's just using him, he will hold on to this sad hope that giving her money = love. It doesn't, and we know that, but he hasn't reached that conclusion yet, obviously.
My advice would be to separate your funds and disengage. Split your bills and make him pay his fair share. Let him piss away all his money on her, just make sure it doesn't affect you. And when it starts to, that's when you can say something. If he can't pay his part of the rent because he gave princess $100, that's when you can put your foot down, but as long as he's pulling his weight, you really can't make him stop.
Sorry you're dealing with this. I hope he sees the light eventually, but some men never do.
THANK YOU. You hit the nail
THANK YOU. You hit the nail on the head! I guess I just needed to hear that again. We keep our finances separate just for this reason. Lol. It’s just hard to see someone you love being taken advantage of.
This is an adult child who is
This is an adult child who is taking advantage of your DH and your family. DH needs to extricate his head from his ass and quit being a guilty dad to an adult and breeder kid he barely knows.
I am sure there are many men who have children in the world that they are not aware of. If the baby mamas of those children keep those children from the fathers and the fathers in the dark regarding the existence of those kids it is not reasonable for either the baby mama or the kid to show up with hat in hand when the kid is a breeding adult.
Mama ran with this kid. Now suddenly it is all critical that biodad be supportive. If I were in this situation I would own the kidnapping ass of the BabyMama and torment her to the gates of hell for the rest of her life for kidnapping and keeping my child from me. I would have been paying CS into a holding account and not given her a penny until she delivered my daughter to a COd visitation schedule. Then I would only give her the bare minimum required by CS. I would of course provide for my child when the child was with me but that kidnapping toxic breeder of a BM would rue the day she ever kept my kid from me. Though your DH did not keep this BM in court eternally for stealing his daughter it is long past time for him to feel guilty about it now. He paid CS for her entire life. He needs to give this breeder adult kid a spreadsheet of every penny he paid over the years to her mother and instruct her to go to her mother to get the money he has already provided. He is not going to supplement the life style of a breeding adult he barely knows.
This in no way passes the smell test of reasonableness. Your DH needs to give the kid a hug, a pat on the head, tell her to keep in touch and that she is an adult who needs to be an adult.
IMHO of course.
Thank you! And that’s what
Thank you! And that’s what it is...guilt. So when she doesn’t contact him for a few months on end, you can tell it bothers him. And then he’ll hear from her when she wants something. And he won’t have anything to do with the mother. The mother will send him random Facebook messages regarding the daughter like, oh her phone won’t work....but he doesn’t respond to her. He wants nothing to do with her and that’s why he got her the phone in the first place so he didn’t have to communicate with the mother. I’m not petty over the situation, it’s just it’s been 14 months since she found out about him and she doesn’t care to involve him in anything unless it benefits her. It’s very hard to stand back and watch it all happen and have it go on. It’s like he’s blind to the situation. It’s sad. And I completely agree about showing proof of all the money he’s paid out. Heck, I might bring that up to him tonight and just show it to her that he’s supported her even though he didn’t see her. The mother moved at least 7 different times that I know of. And this was before we had the tools we have now where we can locate someones personal info online in a matter of seconds. This was back right when cell phones had come out so it wasn’t easy for him to track her down. Plus, she never updated her address with the courts so any paperwork would just be returned to the courts.