In-Laws with not let go of the EX
My husband's ex-wife left him after a 16 year marrriage. He did not want the divorce and tried to salvage his marriage. He has two teenage boys with his ex-wife and we share custody. His his mother lived with him and his ex-wife for 16 years before the divorce. It was her decision that the MIL move in with them. When I met his mother she was very to clear to let me know that the ex will all ways be her DIL. She would always talk to me about her good and bad. I really didn't appreciate either conversation, more so the bad because the ex helped take care of her for 16 years.
Since we have been married the EX-DIL and my MIL are now besties They were close before but since we have gotten married they are always together. Even inviting her over to our home when we were not there and we found out later she was there.
My BIL started a Family FB on for his mother's side of the family. I noticed the EX had been invited to the group. Then there was a post of my husband arm and arm with his ex-wife and absolutely NO pictures of me. My BIL said it was a historic photo and why should it bother me if it is a part of my husband's history.
More importantly my husband does not want to reminded of his failed marriage. MY BIL added pictures of me but will not take the old picture down.
What should I do?
No, she is not living with
No, she is not living with us. I am very grateful for that and my MIL was gracious in saying that she wanted to move because she wanted to be with people her own age not because she didn't want to live with me. If my DH was still with the EX she would not have moved.I really feel like the MIL contributed to the divorce. BUT the EX told her she didn't so she believes it I think she said that to spare her feelings.
I agree that it is my husband's boundry to set and he has. But they are really hurting him more than they realize. He is very close to his mother and loves her very deeply and wishes she would protect his feelings more. I don't have any issues with the Ex. There are little things but nothing worth the trouble.
I just don't want to put any more hurt and pain on my husband.
Mairin, Thanks for your post.
Mairin,
Thanks for your post. Very well said. It is really crazy how people outside of our marriage feel as though they are involved. As if they have the right to manage our lives and say how we should feel. You would think that your DH's sister would love you for making him happy rather than the woman who didn't. I don't understand protecting someone that hurt one of your own.
If someone dumped my brother, I would not be rude to the mother of his kids but that is all she would be. I would support and protect him fiercely.
I don't think his brother sees anything wrong with the picture nor had any ill intent. He is just so used to her being a family member that is all he sees. I think they feel like I am insecure about it not that they are being disrespectful.
As far as your husbands
As far as your husbands family go. Nothing. It's not your place. If your husband has objections and does not want to be reminded of his failed marriage, then it's his place to speak up and say something. He is not a child, it is his family, his place to sort it out if he has a problem with it.
Now on the other hand, if your the one with the problem with it, it is up to you to,discuss this with your husband, and your husband out of respect for you, should tell his family, take it down. No inviting the ex to your home etc., but either way, it's not up to you to deal directly with your husbands family. Especially since the mother and ex are good friends. Clearly the brother has no problems with the ex either or there's now way he would have put a picture historic or not on that page.
I'd be careful here, this woman is more than an ex daughter in law, she is a family friend and has been for a long time. Your husbands family are not going to appreciate you trying to edge her out.
You need to have a good long talk with your husband about how you each really feel.
The other thing is. As much as this situation is clearly awkward for you, you may, have to accept that you cannot choose who your inlawshave as friends. If you have a problem with your MIL inviting her to your house, then dh and yourself need to sit down and explain that to MIL. On that level, I think MIL and the ex crossed a line. That was pretty selfish and inconsiderate of both of them, but your husband has to tell his mother not to have her there, not you.
Common sense would dictate that there was more to this break up than you know. The whole family are not going to want to be BFFwith her if she was totally in the wrong and broke their son's/siblings heart.
I agree with emotionally beat
I agree with emotionally beat up.
Other than
'there was more to this break up than you know. The whole family are not going to want to be BFFwith her if she was totally in the wrong and broke their son's/siblings heart.'
Some in-laws (mine) had still chosen to invite FDH's ex on vactions and things AFTER she had lied to everyone in his family about having an affair. Of course everyone found out, but his ex is still placed on a pedestal and I will never be as good as she was.
Some people really dont care about how someone has effected a person they love. Be it family or friend.
Though emotionally beat up could be true, just because my in-laws are f*cked up doesn't mean everyone's are. Lol
I truly doubt that there is
I truly doubt that there is more to the marriage ending. I am usually wide eyed person I understand his moms attachment hwr because they lived together for so many years. I think the brother is very black and white and sees it the past and does not get the emotional side of iy. He is very nice to me. I think his mother is the main culprit reinforcing that this behavior is normal.
(No subject)
My husband did not cheat on
My husband did not cheat on her, that I know of. Since my MIL lived with them and then me after that I am sure I would know about it, MIL talks non-stop and she tells everything. I don't think living in close quarters you could hide something like that. I often wonder if the MIL and BIL feel guilty about placing the responsibilty on my DH to take care of his mom and straining the marriage.
I think the ex simpley hit that wall where she wasn't happy and felt that the kids were old enough so she made a change. They had a reasonably amicable divorce.
MIL has lost two of her daughters and I think she feels like losing the ex would be losing another daughter.
I can empathsize with that but it doesn't mean I have to be disrespected or appreciate the endorsement of his former life. ,It's like they are so used to her, she is the wife and we are just "playing house".
Unfortunately, I think your
Unfortunately, I think your DH needs to be the one to handle this one. There is not much you can do when in laws decide they want to continue to be friends with exes. I know, because my MIL and SIL are still very buddy-buddy with DH's ex. DH and I have been together 4 years and they still act like she is more family than I am (AND they were never even married!)
Some people are just rude and inconsiderate. You don't need that kind of negativity in your life. Your DH needs to grow some balls & tell his family he is married to you, you are his family, the ex is no longer part of the family & they all need to move the hell on!
Oh AND MIL broke down one day
Oh AND MIL broke down one day and told me how upset she was when DH and BM broke up because she was worried about SD and all that bs. So I know exactly how that crap feels & it is not good. I do not speak to MIL or SIL like that anymore. I talk to them when I am at MILs house on holidays but that's it. No phone calls, nothing. Screw em.
Dup
Dup
He has and will again. This
He has and will again. This time I think I made things more difficult. When he saw the picture he started texting his brother and I said I wanted to wait and send an e-mail because friends were coming over.Then I got myself stuck in a situation to tell a grown man why the hell it's wrong to publish on the WORLD WIDE WEB a picture of my husband with another woman as man and wife. Seriously why not just make photo copies and hand them out on the corner or put it in the newspaper. It'sthe same thing you are advertising his ex-life and putting value there instead of the new one.
Sometimes with his mom I would tell him to please let me say it to her because I was tired of putting all the burden on him.
But it's his family and he should handle it how he sees fit.
I swear we told them a thousand time but they are hard headed!
my MIL has done the same
my MIL has done the same things your MIL has done.
After her divorce with FIL she stayed with our family for a few weeks. She thought it would be okay to put pictures of FDH and HIS ex up on OUR walls, while the girls and I were running arends one day. I expressed my feelings to MIL, and told her if she wanted the pictures up, to put them in her room... Not in our common area!!
The pictures didn't come down until FDH got home from work... HE told her where she could put the pictures... In a not so kind manor. And said that if she were to put any pictures of his ex that he could see, anywhere, he's throw them in the trash and MIL could find a new place to stay while looking for an apartment.
Needless to say the pictures came down. With only one that was thrown out by FDH.
Now that MIL has her own place to live she is to come and see us If she wants to see her grand babies. FDH told her until she rids her home of those photos he will make no effort for her to see our children(SD included.)
A little harsh, I think. But that's how FDH wanted it to be handled. I'm glad that he stepped up to the plate on this topic with MIL. Though I know MIL likes me, I will never be the (adulterer) ex, whom is still on a pedestal in MIL's eyes.
My advice, talk to your DH. Let him know how you feel about it, and let HIM handle his family. HE knows what to say to get his point across.
My FDH says that he would write off any of his family membersbecause its not them who matter, its us and OUR family that matters.
Your FMIL did that because
Your FMIL did that because she relates to the EX as a first EX. By continuing to honor her son's first wife she is honoring her place as her husband's first wife. She is only trying to validate herself as the only important woman in her exhusbands life.
She felt comfy putting them on your walls as a statement of strength.
It would kill him to write his mother off but if she did something like that I am sure it would get pretty easy.
I think that is perfect way
I think that is perfect way to handle it. The BM would pick her up from our house and drop her off and we had no idea she was coming. We had no privacy. The real reason she moved out is so that she could spend more time with the BM. But what is going to happen when the BM gets remarried. If her new MIL is in the picture her new hubby won't dig her hanging out with her EXMIL. I be she suddenly doesn't have as much time for my MIL.