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Husband's ex-wife still social with former in-laws

KateC's picture

My husband's ex-wife seems to thrives on maintaining close ties with his family. They've been divorced for 5 years now, and we've been married for over a year, but still, she's quite social with just about everyone in my husband's large, extended family.

I know this is partly because she was married to my husband for 12 years & party because they have a child together. BUT, the larger reason is that she refuses let go and is hanging on with blood fingernails. She is now TWICE divorced, but she used to bring her former SECOND husband around to socialize with my husband's family. How strange is that? No wonder they're no longer married!

How do some of you deal with the tensions that are created when the ex won't let go of the former in-laws?? It's a frustrating and (at times) demoralizing situation.

And mind you, I know she's not entirely to blame- my husband's family bears some responsibility for inviting her over, accepting her invitations, etc. But sheesh! When is the line drawn and enough is enough? My hubby and I certainly don't socialize with our former in-laws!

Cdngirl's picture

Okay, here it is from another prespective. My DH still keeps in close contact with his EX MIL and FIL. Infact later this evening we will be going out with them for supper for SD birthday. Do I feel a little wierded out by this, yes. However they are very nice people and if it wasn't for DH allowing them time with SD they wouldn't have any. The kicker is that SD BM is crazy and her parents have basically disowned her. A few years ago when we got custody of SD EX-MIL told me that she would take the stand in our favor if it came down to that and she was happy that SD had me in her life. Anyways, just another perspective.

givingup's picture

My DH's ex still socializes with the now my in-laws. They were only married for 3 years, and had a daughter, we're on our 6th. This year was the final straw and I have decided to not participate in his family activities any longer. I have only been going for DH's sake anyway. So if it makes me miserable what's the point?

They also don't recognize my daughters as part of their family, so why put them through it too?

My family only socializes with my ex and his family when it comes to our daughters, but never otherwise. I often wonder how my DH would feel if roles were reversed.

I’ve made life changes to make a better life for myself and my daughters and I’ve decided not to let anyone else get in the way of our happiness, so if something or someone is trying to beat me/us down there are changes that will and can be made. It may sound selfish, but it is my life and we only get the one.

vb4ever1's picture

Your situation sounds like mine right now ...and I'm about to do the same. I have decided to not participate in his family activities any longer. I don't want to argue, fight, get piss-off and it lay on DEATH's ears.

I have a daughter too and she does not get the same treatment or things from the so-call mommom - but when it comes to her son's children, the ex's kids, they get to be remembered and shit like that ... what I'm trying to say is that there is never fairness in an Extended family. We tend to be toss aside and to fend for ourselves.

Not to say that I need anything from them at all, its what the kids see when the compare ... and its sadden to see that my daughter had to put up with that.

After 7yrs. of this b*ll sh*t, she decided that she doesn't care about any of them and she's the one who many times be the better person for me in front of them. She's my angel.

The part that hurt me the most is that my husband is ALWAYS in the middle ... because when there is only TWO of us - no other people, we love each other so VERY much.

You're not SELFISH! You're protecting what is worth living for and what should be left behind and not worth your time, you delete them from your life.
I'm doing the same! Enough is enough!

BellaMia's picture

My H's XW pulls the same shat, citing SS7 as the ONLY reason.

*screaming at XW) Yeah, right. You BITCH.

She never went around them when they were married. Was stand-offish as HELL! Never wanted to go to holiday gatherings, events, etc... NOW all of a sudden, this whore is "daughter-in-law" of the year. Just one minor detail to workout: YOU'RE NO LONGER THEIR FUCKING DAUGHTER IN LAW!!!

Sorry. I'm dealing with a pinch of rage today...

vb4ever1's picture

For the 13 yrs. that my husband were married to this nut job, she DID not want to have anything to do with them. She did not want to visit his parents -
After he left her in 2003, to get back at him, she alienated her children from my husband, she talk bad about his mom, dad, brother, and sister and the kids,she was out to make his life a living hell, she successed.
I came into my husband's life in 2004, he moved in with me, she decided that it was too early for him to explose her children to me being "the flavor of the month" , she made hell for me from day one. My husband asked her for a divorce in 2003 and she held off and not sign the divorce paper until 2005, and that's when we went and got married. THe children were ok with that but she didnot allow them to come to the wedding eventhough it WAS his weekend. So, that's how we started our marriage, fighting with the ex, my husband loosing his children to her con .... when you think that the storm is calm, all of a sudden, she seem to get us all piss off again ... 7 yrs later, both children are grown (son is 19, he visit when he can - he works & daughter is 14 and dont come over to visit my husband at all) and there is nothing left for the ex to have to communicate with us, but she seem to find something else to get to us.
Last October, my husband's dad passed away, my husband's sister, the nut and selfish piece of sh*t one, allowed her to visit at the hospital when my husband's dad was dying. When he did pass on that morning, the ex was again was allowed to come into my father-in-laws house by the sister. IF my father-in-law were alive, he would spit in her face and tell her to go to hell. But yet, the family allowed her to be in the same house that she disrespect when my husband were married to her. She did nothing but made my husband life hell. She took EVERYTHING from him and much more! She's the most munipulate piece of crap I have ever met.
On facebook, she had asked all of my husband's niece, nephews, and cousin to set her as if she's a part of the family.
Ain't that wrong or what???? She's so much want to be apart of this family - she wants it so bad, that she would stoop this low ... and resently my husband's health was at the low side, she text my husband and told him "I'm praying for you" . My husband did not know who 's the text came from, he asked and found that it was the his ex. MY HUSBAND TEXTED HER BACK SAYING "You have never been civil while we were divorce, and now you're praying for me. We dont need it. THERE IS NOTHING NICE AT ALL COMING FROM YOU FOR THE PAST 7 YRS. WE DONT NEED YOU TO BE NICE TO US NOW. You're my past and definite NOT my present, and sure hell aint in my future, so please leave us alone - I do not need anymore drama from you. Delete my number, I deleted yours a long time ago.
So, a few days later, the ex wife had the BALLS to call my husband's mom and said that she's concern about his health and heart, how is he? Apparently, she told him something like he's ok ... and that was that. (I'm not believing any of this unless I hear it myself, of which I have NOT heard her told the ex wife off yet! A week ago, my husband's brother called my husband and asked him about my husband's health, supposely his brother just say, I don't know, I'll ask him and hung up. The thing is I hear from someone else a totally a diff story. So, I'm not going to put up with any of this anymore , I have decided not to see any of his family ever again ... no need to spend any time with people that do not respect you enough to tell the EX wife to FUCK off. If you dont have the balls to do that for me, then you're not my "family" ...
I will NEVER ever want to EVER see my husband's sister, she has no respect for me as her brother's wife while still continue to speak to the ex wife on a daily basis.
She's a piece of shit and need to grow up and take responsibility for her SEVEN kids ... and not relying on the mother all the time to take care of her SEVEN kids!
I cant blame everything on the sister, the mother also allow this to happen - so I blame her too ...
I had a horrible week after learning that his mom & sis & brother were all talking to her but do not know how to tell her to FUCK OFF. They cant' tell her that she's no longer a part of this family and that she need to leave us alone. THey CAN'T TELL HER THAT! IF SHE do it again, there will be consequences ... and that is a file for harrassment and she can not come close to or call any of us.
AT the end of the day, I blame myself more for allowing this to happen and not say what I really want to say to ALL of them ... tomorrow is another day ...right???
"God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference." AMEN!!!!!

Frustrated Outsider's picture

So I know that this post is really old, but I happened across it and couldn't help but feel like screaming "thank God I'm not the only one!" ... I just want to vent and I'm in such a strange situation that venting to my friends does no good...
My H had a child and was married for a short time before I met him. This wasn't a secret to me, I knew all of this from the beginning, but he had absolutely no contact with either of them and didn't talk about them ever - so I had very little details about any of it. I've since learned that they were together, had a child, married, and divorced all within less than a 2 year timeframe. My H verbally agreed to the ex's request that she wanted him to have no contact with the son until he was 18 or older; and moved several states (and hours) away. I came into the situation and started dating him - never meeting or hearing anything from him or his family about the circumstances of any of it... but after SEVEN years... we got married. I wasn't the next floozy that came along or anything like that. He proposed to me and 8 weeks later I found out I was 6 weeks pregnant - so there was no shotgun wedding but I've always felt like i've had to defend myself on that part. We've been together for almost 13 years now. Two years with her, 13 with me...
So last summer, my Sister-in-Law, who kept my now 5 yr old son during the day (because after staying at home with Daddy for the first 3 years, my husband filled in -and stayed- as the admin for my family owned business. My Sister in Law had an in-home daycare, so I drove half an hour out of the way each trip (my office is only 5 min from my house) and took my son out there so he could have daycare that came with family interaction as well... On my side of the family, he is one of ONE child his age/generation, and one of four total. On my husband's side... he's the last one of eleven.
Last summer, my sister in law came to me and told me that the ex wife had contacted her out of the blue and was coming through the area and the son wanted to stop and meet his cousins and aunts etc. So my sister in law decided to have a lunch at her house for everyone - and then I got to tell my husband about all of it. Long story short, he didn't go. It caused a huge rift between a lot of family members... he and I fought like crazy leading up to everything, other family members openly disapproved of his decision, etc... and then came the pics on FB showing all of the "getting reacquainted with family" that had gone on in our absence. Fast forward another few months and sister in law / mother in law are taking a trip... I still am taking my son to her house every day so I get to hear all about the details of this trip as it gets planned etc. Then I'm looking at FB one night while they are gone and flip past a photo and realize that the ex and the son had met up with them on vacation. I personally wouldn't have had a problem with it minus the fact that no one had the decency to tell us in advance that it was happening! I let her know, tried to be an adult, and even apologized to her once they got back for being upset and told her that I just basically had my feelings hurt because I thought we were better friends than that.
... Now, I get a text message (me, not my husband) less than 2 weeks before her second oldest child's high school graduation. Out of all of her kids (4) ... this one is one of my faves and has always been. The text says that she just 'wants to let us know that she invited (the ex) and the boys to the graduation' and that she just wanted to be upfront but it was our decision what to do... Well since they live several states away I'm not all that concerned about it - but still irritated. Then I get a FB invite for the party that everyone else had been invited to maybe 2 - 3 weeks before (and realize that the sister-in-law has unfriended me - that was a bonus shock). And then a niece from a different part of the family tells me that she was told to clean her room up so that they boys could stay in there...! Not only are they coming, but now they are invited to stay in my mother-in-law's house... which is actually my Hubbys' grandmother's house who passed away less than 6 months ago...but whatever.
In the meantime, his mom and i have ceased all communication because I had the audacity to contact the niece (who lives with her) when we were informed that the man (who was my mother-in-laws most recent ex-husband) had made parole and was getting out of jail. He was there for molesting the niece, and I was the first one that the niece told. So when I got notification he was getting out- and I waited to make sure my MIL knew about it.. and then contacted the niece directly to just make sure she was doing ok with all of it... I got bitched out (via text message) on how I had "no right" to bring any of that up and since I wasn't part of the niece's daily life that I didn't see how hard the MIL tried to make sure she didn't act like a victim. Of course - this response was because she had known about the parole but had not told the niece and I guess didn't plan on telling her... I had enough at that point - and after her text tirade - where she told me that 'since she had respected my husband's wishes (related to the ex and his son) - that I needed to respect hers and never speak of this again" (the child molester...)
This week - the niece found out the MIL was in contact with the felon again... relationship-wise she thinks... and was so disgusted that she just wanted away. She's stayed at our house for almost the last week, but I know she's trying not to ruin her cousin's graduation weekend.
My husband is sitting back just livid that his family has done any of this -but telling them off doesn't do any good. They apparently have chosen her over me (which - who cares) but they have also effectively told my FIVE year old that he doesn't matter either. No idea what to do - there is no fixing this situation as far as I can tell - but I just wanted to vent.
I'm a child with two half siblings (we all have the same dad but different moms) so I'm more than open to the concept that later in life my son will have a half-brother somewhere in the world... I found out about my sister when she was 18, and then less than 5 years later she was a bridesmaid in my wedding... I embrace both of those relationships and can only hope that my son will have something like that once he gets older... but it will never happen if my inlaws don't get out of the freakin way!
Sorry for the length - but damn it felt good to get some of that out!

twoviewpoints's picture

I happened to see your post only as it was in the left side "recent comments".

I all you wanted was to vent, this is as good as any place (an old post) to do so. However if you wanted others to perhaps read and comment back to you, many will never have seen it. Once members get up and going here in the mornings the left side comments can move rapidly.

Just wanted to say welcome to steptalk. You may want to put up a blog post or one on the forum side. The post will be more viewable for a longer time for others to see. We do have members going through similar situations where an ex-wife is befriended by in-laws and yes, it can cause problems for the current DIL.

My first thought to make some of the stress removed would be to start taking your son to a daycare other than his aunt. You wouldn't have to be in daily weekday contact with the aunt. If your son is starting kindergarten this fall, that will also get SIL out of routine contact range.

Another thing, block them all from facebook. Facebook is evil when it comes to befriending family...the less they are in your face and/or able to see what you are posting the better. You don't really need to read and view whatever it is they are all up to and doing either. Less drama.

CLove's picture

Hi - I was perusing the forums, and saw this new post from an old post in 2011. You should take that previous advice, and start a blog - that way you would get some very excellent advice as well as the empathy you need. The folks on here have helped me so much. I do not have any children of my own (not by choice) and have 2 skids, Munchkin SD11, and Winona SD18. My So and I have been together 3 years in July and he was with the biological mother (BM) for about 21 years before me, and married about 6. Luckily I helped him push through the divorce, but she made things very ugly prior to and during the process.

She is a total b!tc, who would degrade my SO to his family, and to anyone who was available to listen, so they no longer want anything to do with her, ever. I am lucky on that one. About 1 1/2 years ago, my SO's 95 year old mother wanted to invite BM over for Christmas, but we nixed that immediately. She is no longer invited to family functions, ever. I tried it once, for Winona's not-so-sweet 16 barbeque, and she showed for about an hour with her boyfriend, Tweedle, and left with a lame excuse. Since then, we have had our share of ups and downs with her, but the parents work together on things like birthdays and graduations.

Im sorry you have been treated so shabbily by your DH's family, and hopefully they will ease up on you and your little. Keep us posted!

queen-B's picture

I gotta be careful on this one, because I'm on better terms with my ex-MIL than my exh is! But, my ex and I divorced very amicably, and he's not remarried. I certainly don't attend family events, but my exh did come to my father's memorial service when he passed last year and his mother comes over to my house every now and again to putter in my garden and just catch up. While my FDH does like her too, it really does weird him out so I try to have her over only when he's away on business. I don't hide it from him, but I just make sure the invites occur when he's....elsewhere Smile

vera3's picture

This isn't a popular opinion but I think you DO have to choose sides when people divorce! So no, my ex and Dh's ex are NOT family anymore. And our families know that if they want to be "friends" still with our exes (who both hurt us through courts and sh*tty behavior) then they risk us cutting ourselves off from them. Sorry we can't all be "friends" still -- the exes are our enemies through their behavior.

(But I guess this really only applies if the ex is an enemy... Otherwise not sure where the line is drawn...???)

My exH continues to send my parents emails and txts with photos of our son. Hello, my parents see my son through ME and I take plenty of pictures. FREAK! Parent don't answer but they don't respond saying "you can stop now" because they are too nice.

There were people on my exH's side of the family that I was sorry I had to disconnect with but I knew that was what divorce meant. I hate when people say, oh families and friends shouldn't have to choose when people divorce. Get in the real world, people...

LizzieA's picture

I went through the same thing. BM front and center at every holiday. The kids aren't an excuse--they are old enough to drive. But in-laws and BM live in the same town within blocks of each other. We moved soon after our marriage so have missed most of those lovely events. On one hand, I understand not being rude to someone who's been around 20 years, but EVERY family event like nothing's changed? Ironically, she didn't even care about those events before the divorce and SIL1 (the witch) said that was something she never liked about her.

Finally my DH admitted that he understood how I felt about it. How could I build relationships with her sitting there? She needs to get a life and I think after four years, that actually might be happening. She wasn't at Christmas and this year I was actually included in the family call to DH. (they always call and pass the phone around)

sweetthing's picture

I joined step talk almost 5 years ago because of this very reason. It infuriated my husband, he begged BM to just let him have his family for himself, she comes from a huge family & so does her BF/Fiance. She has taken the BF/Fiance to see DH's grandma when they were dating because she wanted grandma to meet him. Just a couple of months ago DH made a reference about his great grandma Smith & she corrected him & said, no you mean OUR great grandma Smith.

It kills me as they all think she is great, which she is not. She is not CPS material but her mother of the year trophy will be delayed again this year.

We didn't speak to DH's family for a year & really only innitiated a relationship AFTER our son was born. WE do a lot for my inlaws, but we are still outsiders with the older brother's family. They have had BM & her BF over for family gatherings that we were excluded from. Oh & last year DH's cousin half way across the country asked her to be her daughter's sponser confirmation so BM & BF's kids along with SS's went to Utah. When DH said something to the cousin about it she went nutso & went CRAZY on facebook emailing all her relatives DH's email & other stuff. She wouldn't used mine or BS's name but referred to us as new wife & new son like she was talking about nail fungus.

Sorry when you are divorced & have a new man you need to move your bony ass on & let us live our lives.

stepmom31's picture

What about when the ex-in-laws won't let go of your DH (i.e. the ex)????!!!!!!

My DH's ex-MIL got on the phone with him when he called X to confirm drop of time, and asked why they don't see him, why he doesn't come around, why he doesn't call them (the in-laws in general), why they haven't gotten to see our baby or even pictures of her etc. Then, when she found out he's working late, she decided to send food since they were having a BBQ. And lastly, a nice lecture that they are still *family*, for the sake of the children, you know.

Wonderful??? Her intentions might be nice at heart, and DH does say that she and one BIL were nice enough to him, that it's the others that were a$$holes, but still, these are all people who will stand by each other against him, so can you really trust them? This is the same woman who begged my now MIL to convince DH to take BM back. Nuh-uh, not wonderful.

Creepy??? Most definitely. I certainly don't want to socialize with them. I've met them and it was extremely awkward. I think they certainly care more about finding out about me rather than getting to know me, if you know what I mean. And of course, they want to measure up DH, now versus then. And they're the kind of people that smile to your face and bad talk you behind your back, it's been proven enough times. So I think they can continue to find out about us through the stepkids, thank you very much, we're doing just awesome.

I will go to events specifically meant for the kids, but there is NO WAY I'm going to events just to socialize with the ex-in-laws. And if DH decides to go without me, well well... it must be because he has absolutely nothing better to do, and if that is indeed the case, I'm sure I can find something better worth his time doing...

On the flip side, my in-laws would never think of inviting BM to an event, even though I've only been married to DH for a short time (less than BM was), I've been in my in-laws' life since forever and they're 100% on my side.

mommymode's picture

My husband and I have been married a few years now but go back about 20. He was previously married for a couple years and had a daughter who I am now raising full time along with our other daughter we had together. My MIL maintains a very, what I consider to be, inappropriate relationship with my husband's ex-wife. My MIL and I have had many discussions/arguments about how this makes me feel. She frequently makes comments that she knows will either hurt me or at minimum just get under my skin. She has a picture of her and the ex in her house, which I find very offensive to me. My MIL allows the Ex to come stay with her when she's in town to see my SD. They spend an unreasonable amount of time together, they talk on the phone pretty frequently, my MIL maintains very close relationships with the Ex's family as well. I feel constant communication, pictures, fieldtrips together, etc are too much. I know you don't disown the mother of your grandchild just bc there was a divorce, but when your son remarries, I feel boundaries are necessary. At this point, I'm not communicating with my MIL. I feel like neither of them want to accept their relationship is not a MIL/DIL relationship anymore. I'm just looking for thoughts, perspectives, etc from someone in a similar position.

ldvilen's picture

If a divorced man and woman were still going to hang out together after the divorce and act married, then why did they divorce in the first place? If they are doing it, "for the children's sake," then they should have stayed married for the children's sake too, and spared them and the rest of us their divorce-hell.

I think divorced couples get wa-a-a-y too many passes in the US. This couple divorces, puts everyone around them thru hell, especially their children, and then they go on to remarry and make the people's lives they remarried a hell, yet they still want to hang out with each other like nothing ever happened!!!? Please! :jawdrop:

Meanwhile, SKs and SM and step-dad are getting their asses beat by in-laws, ex-in-laws, each other, etc.

yolo222's picture

I am sorry but when you divorce a line needs to be drawn and both sides need to move on with their lives and their own families. If you need to stay close with ex in laws and ex family and ex. WHY did you get a divorce????

Cordial yes absolutely. But spending time together??? WHY?? Especially if it is hurtful to current spouses. People get divorced and it seems that they want as little to change as possible when in reality they have literally taken their existing family and torn it apart. Then they bring in a new spouse and expect them to be okay with all of the enmeshment. Make up your mind divorced people. Be divorced or re marry your ex.