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Can I gripe about SIL too?

Tiger7's picture

My SIL called me on Sat while I was out shopping. Just chit chat. Then suddenly her tone changes and she says oh yea...and tell your man (my SO) not to be dropping in at Mary's house unannounced (fake name). What are you talking about? He went to drop xmas presents off to her kids. This person is a friend we all know through SIL. Mary has 3 girls (2 teens & a 6 yo) that we see whenever SIL has us all over. She has 2 older boys too and her husband is currently in jail. The girls refer to SO as Uncle. When we walk in the house, the little one comes running over, throws her arms around him yelling, Hi Uncle xxxx. So, he got them xmas gifts - a doll for the little one and gift cards for the teens. He got gifts for all the kids in his family. He texted Mary to ask for gift suggestions, which she gave him. He texted again to ask if he could drop them off...she said Thurs or Fri will be good. He said ok - or if you're going to be at SIL's house on Sat, I can bring them there. Mary said, no you can drop them here. Ok - all good. He let her know on Fri, that he was stopping by to drop them off. SD18 was with him. They let the little one open her gift - she was so happy. Big hugs! And Mary sent back a plate of xmas cookies the girls made, all wrapped up with a card attached saying to Uncle xxx and family. So when SIL called to complain, I was taken aback. She went on and on about how we don't understand the situation with Mary and even tho her husband is in jail, you don't just stop by another woman's house, etc etc. What the hell? First I told her, that this has nothing to do with you. Mary is a grown woman and if she didn't want him to drop the gifts by, she could've said that. SIL got offended that I said it wasn't her business. I also asked her if Mary called her to complain? I said was it a complaint or was she just telling you he dropped by? No answer to that. Then she says to me, look you just tell SO that...nope. I cut her off and said I'm not telling him anything - if you have something to say, you tell him. CLICK. She hangs up. So - she was having family over that evening and I didn't bother to go. Didn't want to deal with her or spoil anything by having tension. Why are some people so....EXTRA?!!

Comments

twoviewpoints's picture

It sounds like our SO and friend Mary had things worked out and didn't need your SO's sister sticking her nose in. If an 18yr old daughter is standing by his side at door knocking at the preplanned and arranged (and VERFIED) drop-off it appears SO did nothing to get his sister's panties in a twist.

Pfft. What a busybody. Could be SIL feels a bit guilty perhaps that she didn't do something 'special' and kind for Mary and kids or is all butt jealous SO thought of to do so and SIL didn't (or what SO and you did was perhaps more generous than what SIL may have done). There was plenty of communication and advantage 'here I come' between SO and Mary.

Ignore your SIL. You and SO did a nice caring thing and you don't have to answer to SIL. There is a chance the jailed guy is bent out of shape over another man visiting and doing for his family while he is in jail. However that is between Mary and her guy. Maybe the jailed guy tossed a hissy and Mary calmed him down with the story about not knowing your SO was coming. Meh, doesn't matter. How Mary handles your guy is on Mary.

Your SO did fine and you can tell SIL when and if you want SIL's two cents, you'll ask for it and until then to mind her own business.

Tiger7's picture

They did have it worked out. And SD18 tagged along cause she's good friends with Mary's daughters. It was all family-oriented. SIL likes to control every situation so I think she was bent out of shape cause she didn't know about this gift exchange between her brother and her friend so it ticked her off (which is ridiculous). And if there was an issue with her jailed husband having a problem with it, then that was on Mary. So SIL should direct her comments that way (not that its her business)

lieutenant_dad's picture

Ugh.

I had former coworkers who would comment (behind my back to others, but never to me) that it was wrong for a male coworker and I to get lunch together. Alone. And taking one car to get to the restaurant. It was disrespectful to his wife who worked in town and his MIL who worked for the same place as us in a different department in a much, MUCH more distinguished position.

We went to lunch together because we are both nerds and would talk about nerd stuff, like video games and movies. We were friends at work, but never hung out or talked outside of work, except for MAYBE 4 texts over the course of two years where we'd send a picture of something nerd-related that one of us was looking for (like an R2-D2 bento lunch box for his son that I found at a Gamestop). Nothing untoward.

But NOOOO! It was just SO WRONG that we would grab Taco Bell or pizza a few times a month. THE HORROR AND DISGRACE! *rolls eyes*

You handled it well. Mary is a big girl and can say "please stop" or talk to you about how she'd feel more comfortable if you two came together versus just him. This is such a BS issue to start with, and SIL doesn't need to insert herself.

Tiger7's picture

People really need to mind their business. I've always grown up with male friends so I don't see the harm...I know some people think its not possible but that's their issue in my opinion.

ESMOD's picture

Perhaps Mary has been rumored to be entertaining men who are not her husband in a more than platonic way and your SIL is worried that your SO's presence could indicate that HE is also doing that?

To be honest, I would have been a bit more blunt with SIL and asked her exactly why she is advising this?

Is it her general prudish view that married men don't visit unrelated women in their home?

Or is there some specific reason why he shouldn't be doing this? If SIL is going to be so bold as to bring this up to you I would say:

Gee SIL, I really don't understand why you would say this. Can you tell me exactly why you did? I'm not very good at reading between the lines

Tiger7's picture

If that's the case - that's cool. But I am no go between. Didn't do it with my first husband, not doing it with SO. If someone has a problem with him, they need to tell him. Don't call me, bitching about something that has nothing to do with me.

ESMOD's picture

Well.. I'm thinking if your SO was cheating on you it WOULD be your business, correct?

I mean, if SIL is going to pull out her spoon, I am going to make her bring all the ingredients and spell it out for me.

I would be direct about it too. I would say, Are you trying to tell me my husband is having an affair with Mary and that you specifically know for a fact this is true?

If she backpedals and hems and haws about "appearances", I would tell her that you don't participate in idle gossip and if people's mind's and lives are so small that they are going to worry about someone buying presents for a family that is going through a hard time with their husband/father gone, then they aren't worth worrying about. I would tell her that last time you checked this was a free country and we aren't under sharia law and unmarried men and women can speak without being jailed.

Tiger7's picture

Love that last paragraph. Him cheating is not even a thought. The man wants to be with me 24/7....I'm the one who has to tell him a need a little me time but even then its not a lot. If we're not working, we're together. His sister is just a control freak. The more I think about it, I think she was pissed cause she didn't know anything about him giving gifts to the kids. Think I'll ask her that directly too, as well as the cheating theory.

lieutenant_dad's picture

I'd ask her in front of your DH. Let her have to explain what she meant to both you and him since it was directed at him anyway.

Tiger7's picture

I already know how my next conversation with SIL will go. This is the 2nd time she has hung up on me about something stupid. Didn't talk to her for about a month the first time. I'm not the type to hold grudges - meaning she wasn't even on my mind in that month. I just went about my life. When we did see each other again, at a cousin's house - it was cordial and then she started calling me again. The next time I see her, I will let her know that was the 2nd time she hung up and if there's a 3rd, that's it. We're done. She's the mouth piece of the family - she has her younger sister scared of her; she pretty much runs that sister's life. She'll yell at or try to cuss out my SO if she doesn't agree with something he's doing. She says nasty things under her breath towards her husband all the time. I told her once already that she may have her family "shook" but I don't play that and I'm not scared of her. We were joking around about stuff but she knows....