You are here

I do not want step kids living with me

thebrokenrecordmachine's picture

I feel really bad and presumably may be referred to as, “The Evil Wicked Step Mom”:
But I don’t want any of SO’s 2 kids moving in with us…they were down in December
for more than half the month and it really wasn’t that bad- a few minor issues but nothing that led me to where I am now.
After Saturdays incident ie.BM drove down to our town unannounced and the Skids whined that SO pick them up(they knew we were going to a party) and BM stalked the town we live in looking for our address, found it- whereby then the skids were knocking on the door for an hour(we had to pretend we were not home)-to date the skids did not mention that to SO(this demonstrates loyalty to BM & their inability to lie for religious reasons doesn’t exist when it
comes to their father).
I have lost A LOT of respect to the fact that BOTH skids SD 15 & SS STB 14 have not been at school for reasons that are really BS, they haven’t been to school in almost 4 months.

Anyways, my daughter was unfortunately diagnosed last week after a VERY BAD UTI with HSP PURPURA-
it’s a form of childhood vasculitis that attacks her blood vessels so she gets weird bruises and stomach issues
long term damage could be renal failure-so I am a mess emotionally already…because there is no cure,
its self-limiting.

SD in November took a half a bottle of Tylenol because she had low self-esteem because the girls in her
school are thinner and prettier than her and other teen issues(most of us feel when we were in HS)…..I
sympathize with that, but to be off school because of that is ridiculous…unfortunately BM did the same
thing as a teen(took a bottle of tylenol) and I made a comment to SO(perhaps shouldn’t have that SD is like BM they both have something
wrong upstairs-but I said it in a nicer way-but sometimes there is no nice way of saying “your kids messed up”).

I don’t know whats wrong with SD because she is in perfect biological health, so are her parents, brother, she has a roof over her head, will inherit money from BMs parents, she is pretty, not fat…..I don’t understand the issue’s and the “can you come get me daddy because my brother is home and I want peace”—you have been home since October-you’ve had enough peace already. Ironically shes okay to go "shopping"....she also has bulimia-exercises and watches what she eats like crazy, shes been like this since she was 9-shes 15 now.

I have zero tolerance now when it comes to the skids issues because my daughter has a real medical issue, its “knock on wood”-a mild case…but still devastating none the less after this happening- I have developed impatience for his kids…I feel bad, but things could be A LOT worse for them…I went thru way more stuff than those kids hopefully will ever have to-

1)when I was 6 my mom used alcohol to cope with the loss of her mother and I was her main target
2)sexually assaulted as a 5 year old by an older girl, assaulted again at 11 by a kid(male) around my age, again at 15 by a male classmate
3)mother drank whenever my dad and her would argue, get loaded and vomit- dad took off weekends at a time
4) when I was 13 my mom had a deep vein thrombosis in her leg- nurse had to come in and administer coumadin and heparin-mom almost dies
5)when I was 16 my father was diagnosed with CLL(from of a chronic leukemia)
6)17-I am diagnosed with PCOS and they thought I had a tumour on my pituitary gland
7)Severely made fun of in High School being called brutiful and fugly.

Until they have something traumatic happen to them in any way like that- I do not have patience for them.
SO is really adamant on having them live with us and I keep saying “No”-right now SO wants SD down this weekend.I have been dealing with A LOT that I don’t want her down(even though we haven’t seen her since the end of December)-
still I want a break of not dealing with someone elses problem.
I feel like if she does live with us-Ill end up resenting her or worse, SO will resent me…because I said "No".
My whole life will change and Ill have to change the washroom around again, no privacy in my home, when I go to the mall ill feel compelled to ask her to come to….if they do move in-im afraid I’ll have to move out, I don’t want to position it like that-but I think that might have to be what it comes down to.
I don’t want unstable dramatic people in my life-I realize they are his kids-Im a mother too but I don’t want them here(at this time).
SO says lets take it one step at a time, and we will have to compromise so everyone wins- I get it.
He thinks BM is the problem-shes part of the problem but I still think his kids are fucked because of genetics.

Comments

thebrokenrecordmachine's picture

I realize from the attitude part---but his kids have issues for no reason- they are overly dramatic...but yeah-maybe I shouldn't date people with kids-ive been thinking that for a while.
True-maybe he doesn't like my daughter living with us-she has a health problem-his kids do not.
He has put up with a lot of my BS & anxiety---so have I-maybe I am being unreasonable but presently-I don't think I can handle the kids living with us.

DaizyDuke's picture

So true Echo! I was dumb, dumb, dumb and dumber for marrying my DH without having this thought go through my head. I believe that I am a fairly intelligent person, however the possibility that one or both skids could be living with DH at some point NEVER crossed my mind, until it actually happened with SD15 and then I about lost it. I still get anxious about the potential of the other one moving in at some point over the next few years.

Bojangles's picture

It sounds like his daughter has an eating disorder and other mental health issues. Unfortunately these are all too common in teenage girls now. It would certainly be stressful to live with a teen with those kinds of problems, I know, I tried it, so from that perspective your reluctance to have them live with you is entirely understandable. That is a lot of responsibility to take on, and I know in my situation as a SAHM to my bios I ended up being the one doing most of the parenting of YSD. Unless DH would be willing and able to devote a lot of time and effort to his children, including getting outside help for their issues, and co-parent with you effectively, then it would probably be disastrous. Perhaps you could compromise and try increasing visitation - or DH could have additional visitation outside the home by picking them up and taking them out more often?

On the subject of whether SD's issues are valid and how they rank against your daughter's illness - that's a difficult one, if she has tried to overdose and has been controlling her weight since the age of 9 then I would say that she has some fairly serious problems, and although they may be harder to understand, mental health issues can be every bit as debilitating and damaging as physical illnesses. I would avoid getting into a debate over whose daughter's problems are more worthy of sympathy - as parents you are both going to be deeply concerned about your children's happiness and welfare, there is no point comparing apples and oranges and it will only cause conflict between the two of you.

thebrokenrecordmachine's picture

I know mental health issues are serious-its hard to explain...ive had a lot of medical scares and to me that is non comparable to a mental health issue(you can do something about it)-change the way you think or view yourself..in health issues-you have to rely on time and medicine.
But I totally can see comparing is the wrong way to go about things..

thebrokenrecordmachine's picture

I knew that question would come back to me- Why is it okay for your kid to live at home but not his?- should have openly said it when I made the blog.
I don't articulate myself very well-but yes I see your point-he could question where is the fairness in that? Having my DD here vs His...another hesitation of mine is that sheattempted suicide-I don't want that near my daughter..I feel for her to a certain extent SD-but she really doesn't have it that bad...I guess in her head IT is that bad..I suffer from anxiety and panic attacks and having the stress of knowing that...is too much some times.
Maybe I really am a piece of shit-ive thought that many times, just wanted to express myself openly...lots of issues going on.

thebrokenrecordmachine's picture

I have tried doing that-she doesn't like her school because the girls are better looking than her, "according to her"-so she cant face them...

Patsy's picture

Oh man I thought we at least had until the age of 14. Why didn't anyone tell me this before? I would have stopped parenting SD at 6. Chalked it up to a lost cause!

Patsy's picture

If I did, I can't see it. I made absolutely no progess with her seeing her actions presently. She is just so far off now that I can't see any part of me in her.

alieigh21's picture

I could not agree with your post more. I wish I had fully understood this before I allowed my SD into my home. I'm really sick of hearing the you knew he had a kid before you married him. Yes I knew he had a kid who had supposedly told him "If you ever even think about trying to get custody I will never speak to you again." SD didn't want to live with DH until we were married. The problem is when SD want to suddenly move in with DH it's not because they love them and want to spend time with them. Too often it's an effort to manipulate and destroy a marriage.

thebrokenrecordmachine's picture

This is brilliantly written-wish I said wrote, you brought up every point imaginable.I never looked at it from the other side, but its true- suddenly when there is an issue, they need to resuce their children.
Funny you mentioned this- I asked him, if BM was really that bad-why didn't you fight custody for them?
I think about things-Im a thinker, should be more of a doer!

thebrokenrecordmachine's picture

True

alieigh21's picture

SD may very well have problems. However, you clearly have issues of your own. I don't want to be mean or hurt you, but anxiety can be hard for you and everyone around you. My first husband had an anxiety disorder. He would slip into bouts of clinical depression that could take months to dig himself out. Eventually it took him from us. The anxiety became too much and he took his own life. I'm not suggesting you are capable of anything like that. I just want you to know I understand what it is like to live with extreme anxiety. Please put your health first. If you don't take care of yourself you can't take care of anyone else. Given your issues and your understandable concern for your own daughter, refusing to to allow more stress and drama to enter your life at this point is not selfish, it's healthy. Ultimately, SD is the only one who can change her situation. If DH want's to take a more active role in her life, great. But moving her into your home under these circumstances is not going to help her.

My current DH had high hopes that somehow thru osmosis my SD would suddenly be cured of all of her issues. She hasn't been. She has only caused drama and anxiety to everyone around her.

thebrokenrecordmachine's picture

I have anxiety-lifestyle situation related(and mirena) ie-since ive moved in with SO, we are broke, when I was at home-I wasn't..ive had to put my education on hold...other issues.
But I hope my anxiety issues have resolved soon, they are starting too, but I know adding responsibility to my plate, is not the way to get over anxiety.

thebrokenrecordmachine's picture

True...

thebrokenrecordmachine's picture

Thank you.
SD cuts herself as well----she even cut herself in front of her brother and mother a few weeks ago with an exacto knife...I don't like disclosing too much information...theres just A LOT of weird things she has done---that I don't know if I want someone that's unstable living here.
I feel really bad for saying that...I really do...because in some aspects she can be quite wonderful...its just the drama, the depression...I have a mental illness-ie-I am more of a hypochondriac-but I force myself to do things that make me uncomfortable.

It seems like SO will put his kids first I get their needs come first, but my wants seem irrelevant...he even said that "if she died he'd blow his brains out"--I asked him, well "where does that leave me?"---no where. Guess I know how important I am...not very.

I sound like I am jealous of SD-but really he would do anything for her almost, when I was going thru my anxious episodes with the heart palpitations and other physical symptoms---he was there, but not like for SD...guessing I should keep my legs closed lol...sorry for being so derogatory but its true...I get turned off.
Meanwhile Im the one that gave up so much to live with him-I gave up my school, I was the one that had a vehicle, I gave up my savings account, I gave up A LOT...