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How do you deal??

thebetterperson's picture

Submitted by thebetterperson on Tue, 04/05/2011 - 12:32pm

How am I supposed to tolerate the thousands of e-mails, unnecessary texts and phone calls that my bf gets from his ex? Yes, they're usually regarding my stepdaughter BUT it's so unnecessary. It's usually complete bs, or just a way to insult me, our relationship. She puts things in my stepdaughters head and I feel like she attempts to fill his head with ideas as well. What the hell am I supposed to do to deal with this. When I bring it up, he gets defensive and says that I obsess over it. He thinks the best bet would be to minimize my knowledge of all of this. What do you think?

Comments

Gigi82's picture

Submitted by Gigi82 on Tue, 04/05/2011 - 12:57pm

I agree with Proud_Arrow, my DH and I do the same things that she suggested and it does take some of the stress off. He actually uses an email address that is specifically for his ex, daughter, lawyer, etc. There are separate folders and he usually checks the email once or twice a week, and there are almost always bullshit emails from the ex. She will push and push because she knows it gets to you, and if you respond every single day it will bring her satisfaction that she has garnered the attention that she was screaming for in the first place. When my husband does receive an email, we do as Proud said and work together on a mature and to the point response. That way no time is wasted on unnecessary drama, and I help him to stay on the topic of his daughter, because that is the only reason they should be speaking anyway. He asked me to start helping him with emails because I am a bit more patient than he is, and also as a bitchy woman myself I can spot another bitchy woman's underhanded insults or immaturity and nip it in the bud! My DH only responds to things that directly relate to his daughter and the psycho has started to back off from the drama since he stopped paying attention to it.

purpledaisies's picture

Submitted by purpledaisies on Tue, 04/05/2011 - 12:49pm

I agreen with proud he needs to only respond to the ones that are important and once he does that she will see over time that she is not getting what she wants and will get bored and stop. My bm used to do the same but since dh only responds to the important ones she has stopped for the most part.

DaizyDuke's picture

Submitted by DaizyDuke on Tue, 04/05/2011 - 2:39pm

When I bring it up, he gets defensive and says that I obsess over it.

And how can you NOT, when it's in your face 24/7?? I would challenge these men who think that we are being ridiculous for asking that BM not intrude in our lives on a daily, hell sometimes hourly basis, to think for two seconds about how THEY would like it if we had an ex who called at all hours of the day/night for stupid, petty shit.

I can bet money THEY wouldn't like it.

NoDramaMama's picture

Submitted by NoDramaMama on Tue, 04/05/2011 - 2:39pm

I agree with the comments above, but not all of us are lucky enough to have BFs or DHs that will listen to what we have to say. So my comment is for those of us who have BFs/DHs that think they know how to handle everything and don't really need the input....

My bf used to respond to EVERY single thing. That was the biggest point of contention b/w him and I. He just couldn't see the harm it was doing. His response to me was that "he's just a nice guy, he doesn't care about her, he doesn't like to fight...etc" So fine, he's not a fighter like me, but at least have some balls! Anyhoo, it was getting to be too much, and we were gonna move in together, and I knew that if i lived in a house with him with his phone constantly going off, i was gonna go off. So we had a little talk about how it really bothered me that he would always respond to nonsense, that I understand when it's related to his son, but other things are just ridiculous. Yes, i can't control how many texts she texts him, but at least he can control how many texts he responds to. It's slowly gotten better, but there are still the occasional annoying texts, such as "What time is Gary's baseball game?" I would love if he texted back, "hello, u have a schedule, check it, u dumb B*." But no, he's too nice... In my opinion, since she has a schedule, I dont think he should bother texting back...but he does, with the time, nothing more. So I guess what's important is not that he responds, but what or how he responds. Crazy BM always puts her dumb little smiley faces at the end...drove me nuts!! He wouldn't though, he'd just answer the question or whatever it was she texted about.

At this point, I try and look at the big picture...should I let an occasional response to the devil disrupt my being? Or should I live my life and be happy with him (minus her BS). If you let her get to you, she wins. Don't let her win, believe that ur DH loves you and only you, and do not let her get to you. As much as we might hate the communication b/w the BMs and our BFs or DHs, it does make things easier when both are cordial and civil...so if that has to come by way of some unnecessary texts, I guess it ok by me...as long as it's not EVERY single time.

Good luck!!

Unfreakingreal's picture

Submitted by Unfreakingreal on Tue, 04/05/2011 - 2:45pm

How do I deal...Well, let's see. I have pretty much had to program myself into not flying off the handle every time I see a message from the BM. My DH had to tell her REPEATEDLY that he did not have any desire to speak with her about anything unless it was directly related to the kids. She hadn't gotten the message because she would text & call almost on a daily basis. Lately, maybe the last month or two, her calls have subsided down to maybe once a week or maybe even once bi-weekly. He ignores her texts, he ignores her calls, so I think she finally got the hint. It's only been 10-1/2 years, so I think it's about time.

alwaysanxious's picture

Submitted by alwaysanxious on Tue, 04/05/2011 - 4:33pm

It took a lot of nagging basically. He finally quit talking to her so much. Only responds to the necessary things and its mainly text. He stopped answering her phone calls.

When we first started dating they would talk about a half hour to an hour during pick up and drop off. I kept telling him you are divorced, is there that much to say to each other. She would talk about nonsense and he had it in his silly head he had to listen.

simifan's picture

Submitted by simifan on Tue, 04/05/2011 - 5:05pm

enlist a fellow SM's help. Have her text, call about as often as BM for about a week. See how he likes the interruptions.

purpledaisies's picture

Submitted by purpledaisies on Tue, 04/05/2011 - 5:14pm

simifan That is a good idea. pretend it that that person is male too. }:) Wink

That way he will get it. I had to 'show' my dh like tht about asking before his kids got to use or play with my kids things. He seemed to thnk it was ok for his kids to full acess to my kids thngs but not the other way around. i 'showed' him b/c it was the only way he got it.

BellaMia's picture

Submitted by BellaMia on Tue, 04/05/2011 - 8:42pm

I deal with that and H doesn't see any harm in it. For instance, SS7 was with us for a week last week on spring break. BM texts H to say, "Be sure to help him with bike riding. I want to take his training wheels off here."

I went through the roof. Not because the issue was really about riding bikes, but that THIS bitch feels comfortable enough to try to put shit on OUR schedule. I hate it! And what does he do? Reply with: "OK." I'm like, "Why do you give her even the illusion of control?" He thinks I'm crazy and that it's no big deal. But I know crazy/controlling when I see it. We don't chime in and try to dictate HER agenda, so why should she do that with us? Bitch...

Why can't men see this stuff for what it is?