My SD never had Sex-Ed (she is 15) LONG RANT
My stepdaughter is turning 16 soon, and she is the typical teenage girl, obsessed with friends, moody, and fighting with her parents over silly things. I am more of her friend not a motherly figure, primarily because I came into her life when she was a teen and she had many issues with her parent’s divorce that I wanted to just back off from her and support her the best I could. Our relationship is great, though we do get into the occasional fight sometimes. My stepdaughter comes to me when there are things she does not feel comfortable telling her parents (mostly about boys) I am very laid back, and extroverted. Her mother is my polar opposite. My stepdaughter’s mom is strict, introverted, and deeply religious, though she only turned to religion after the passing of her Father. My stepdaughter has to go to church, even though she considers her self an “atheist” which my husband and I are too. My relationship with her mother is non-existent and I’m certain that she despises me. I try not to focus on it though, and I’m content with my relationship with my stepdaughter. My stepdaughter has been obsessed with teenage boys lately, and being a hormonal teen once, I don’t blame her lol. She changes crushes like she does underwear, and I must admit teenage drama is exciting to me. In middle school, my stepdaughter was doing online school because her parents lived three hours away from one another. Last year was the first year my stepdaughter was in a traditional school since seventh grade, when her parents separated. Eight grade was rough and she struggled with depression and eating disorders. Thankfully, she is much better after years of therapy and family counseling. A couple of weeks ago my stepdaughter and I were driving home and she asked me a weird question. She asked if girls who were virgins could wear tampons because her friends all do, but her mother said that you needed to be “deflowered” to wear them. I laughed thinking she was joking, but she seemed truly confused. I then asked “Didn’t you learn this in sex ed?” She told me no, that her mother forbade her from joining the class discussions during sex ed (which they receive in geography) and never signed the permission slips due to the falsehoods they taught children supposedly. I honestly was not surprised her mother said this, and was worried my stepdaughter would go out to the world not knowing the proper sex education, making her vulnerable to guys. She also told me majority of her sexual knowledge comes from friends. She even told me that she was told having sex the first time will not result in a baby (WHAT?) I was deeply concerned so i spoke with my husband who was mad that his ex didn’t ask him about the sex-ed classes, and wanted to go the confrontational route, but I urged him not to. I decided to tell my stepdaughter the very nitty gritty details about the human body and reproductive systems with a cheesy PowerPoint i made. She asked me questions that concerned her, and I told her that her mother would probably make this a big deal, but I wanted her to know the scientific aspect of sex and it was up to her on how she would take that information and apply it to her own relationships in the future. She said she wouldn’t tell her mom and that was that. A couple weeks later my husband gets a call from his ex who is furious about finding condoms in her backpack. My husband decides to ask my stepdaughter is she was planing on using them with a boy, and she said no, but admitted to forging her moms signature on a sex-ed discussion class in which they gave the students condoms. My husband spoke to his ex and they got into a fight which then prompted his ex to send a message to him saying she was not okay with the influences (me) in the household and was going to get full custody one way or another. My SD was grounded (for forging) but we decided to still let her watch television. My SD felt bad for forging, and she told me she just didn’t want to look like a baby to her other classmates. I feel bad for my stepdaughter but also furious at her mother for not telling her anything about sex and hiding her from the truth. I feel at fault a little for explaining it to my SD, but she was oblivious to everything and was being taught abstinence which is not my say, but she also was receiving fake information that was worrisome. My husband and his ex are now fighting after deciding to be cordial to each other a coupl months ago, for the sake of their daughter. Maybe i did overstep my stepmom boundaries? Honestly, don’t know..
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I did the same thing with my
I did the same thing with my SD (and my DS to his horror). Gossip is a horrible way to get information. Sex ed isnt even sufficient in my opinion. As long as your DH was ok with it, I don't think you overstepped. DH has a right to educate or have his daughter educated how he sees fit. Google would have been a much worse teacher.
Courts don't take custody away for parenting differences.
Yes I agree! I’m glad she
Yes I agree! I’m glad she didn’t google sex and look at porn or something, that would be an awful way to learn about sex. It’s important to teach children the truth and not make falsehoods. Thanks for the input!*yes3*
I don't think you overstepped
I don't think you overstepped at all. So many people use religion to manipulate their kids into staying ignorant and childlike so they stay with mommy dearest. Then the kids get curious naturally and end up pregnant. You did the world and your future a huge service by educating your SD. I wouldl have done the same thing in your shoes and have at times, talked to girls about anything and everything they want answers too.
Not having a person I could ask as a teenager, drove me to be an available person as an adult/parent. Ask me and you will get the facts and something to think about.
Good for you Mona, good job adulting!
I couldn’t have said it any
I couldn’t have said it any better! You did the right thing Mona!
I personally dont think you
I personally dont think you overstepped. But I'm quite sure that BM would think you did,.
Ha ha - I love that you parented with PowerPoint. :-)
I was laughing at the
I was laughing at the powerpoint and your love of teenage drama as well!
I think you did the right thing, and I almost anticipate having this talk with my SD9 when she is older. Crazy BM won't i'm sure, and my SO would feel more comfortable with another female talking to her. I think it's in the best interest of SD, and if your DH is ok with it, who cares? BM is never going to agree with everything you do, whether it's good for SD or not. Avoiding conflict is impossible in most cases.
I feel like you should also post a link to your powerpoint...you know, just to make sure you got your facts right and in no way for our entertainment *biggrin*
I don't think you
I don't think you overstepped at all. Unfortunately some people think it is a good thing to keep children stupid. There is nothing any of us can do about the kids not in our direct orbit but those who are right in front of us (and whose own children we will end up dealing with when their idealistic parents kick them out when they mysteriously start to swell in the midsection!) we can provide with objective scientific information to prevent them from making huge mistakes.
I am very open about sex in
I am very open about sex in my house. All of our kids have always been able to talk and ask questions. We tell them facts, we tell them to be smart. We keep condoms in the house just in case they, or any of their friends want them. When there is a stigma attached, teenager will sneak around. That is how hidden pregnancies happen and babies wind up in dumpsters. I refuse to be close minded, no matter how uncomfortable it may make me. Sex happens. I lost my virginity at 15, I wasn't the youngest of my friends by any means!
I think you did the responsible thing and I think that most family courts would agree that education should be a top priority when it comes to sex. So let her go to court over teaching her about tampons and safe sex. I think she won't get more than an eye roll from the judge.
There's good books out there
There's good books out there that are kid/pre-teeen (depending on age) friendly. I gave one to both SDs when they were 10. I know they read them, but not sure how much it sunk in...SDstb15s disappeared somewhere but SD12 still has hers. DH approved me doing it. BM doesn't talk with them about any of it and I believe in correct and age-appropriate information.
SD12 recently asked me "what's a blow job" as we were watching a movie (age appropriate). DH tried to deflect but I told him to be quiet! And asked SD12 "do you really want to know?" before proceeding. I told her a very abbreviated version. And she was ok with my explanation - my parents NEVER talked about this stuff and I only learned it from friends, not exactly the best way...
Not having good sex-ed and
Not having good sex-ed and "the talk" is what gets girls pregnant.... Psycho's parents insisted that no one in the house needed to know since no one would be doing it until marriage. Psycho slept with 3/4 of the high school prior to meeting DH, then got knocked up real quick. MIL decided to forgo the sex talk and instead gave him and his brother condoms. They both knocked up girls in high school.
Education is the way to go. I'm shocked that BM doesn't want her daughter informed. it could prevent issues in the future.
Education could have prevented stephe!! for my DH. Education (and some serious mental evaluations) could have prevented Psycho from becoming the class wh0re and a huge PITA.
I think it's a mixed bag.
I think it's a mixed bag. Although I don't agree with the fundementalist view of no sex ed discussion I understand their point of view, if it's not Bibically based it's not truth and contreception is not discussed in the Bible only abstinance and that doesn't always work out and I have heard stories of "Christian " kids finding loop holes that I won't go into here.
On the other hand in the particular case of my Skids they were educated at school and at home, they could even ask me questions if they so chose as I am not the squeemish type guy that can't discuss the menstrual cycle . SD26 was pregnant at 17 the first time and has had 3 more each with different partners, not married, drug addict, criminal, etc etc etc.
So BM being right or wrong on how she wants to raise her daughter really isn't an issue here and with or without the proper education isn't the issue, it the maturity and decision making skills of the SD that are to be in consideration.
I agree. I grew up long
I agree. I grew up long before sex ed was allowed in school and it didn't cause me to run off and become a teen mother. I was (am) a cautious person and risk-taking is not in my nature. I generally even then used good judgment (often labeled as party pooper). By 15 most of my friends were sexually active in some capacity, and I think the information they had was pretty accurate, even without sex ed classes. So it's more about the kids themselves than how educated they are. With the Internet now, I'm quite sure a 15 yo could find out whatever she wanted about sex in a clinical manner (not porn).
Personally, I would never have done that type of education with a stepkid, though I might find a really good book or website and have DH give it to the kid, so it's not coming from me. I never wanted to poke the bear (BM).
Tog, I agree! As I'm sure OP
Tog, I agree! As I'm sure OP meant well and had the bets of intentions for SD, I personally would not have taken it upon myself and instead allowed H to have that talk and deal with the situation. Things like that are very touchy and as much as we want the kids informed I also wouldn't want to overstep, poke the bear (BM), and allow H and BM to come to their own way of approaching sex ed.
My SD17 thought, all the way
My SD17 thought, all the way up until she had her period, that WHEN she got her period, that she was going to be PEEING blood out. she didn't get her period until she was like 14. her mom would call DH and tell him that she had gotten her first arm pit hair... no, it was jacket fuzz... and no, SD never had sex ed either