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Going Nuts over Soon to be Adult Stepdaughter

dkh's picture

My stepdaughter moved in with my husband and I about 5 years ago when she was 14 years old. The reason for her moving in was because she was supposedly having problems with her stepdad while living with her mom. I would later learn that he was actually a disciplinarian and she had no interest in following rules.

A little background on her and my husband....my husband never had bio kids of his own. He and his former wife adopted 4 kids. 3 boys were all bio brothers and then my stepdaughter, when she was a baby. All of these kids were from broken homes and were born to drug and alcohol parents. So they had issues. My husband and his ex gave these kids a great life, but the boys grew up to take a criminal path in life. They are in and out of prison, refuse to find work, rather live homeless begging for money on the streets, and they steal and are heavily involved in drugs themselves.

I mention all this because I think it ties into my husband's relationship with his daughter, who is now almost 18 years old. As I said, he has cut ties with all the adopted boys and she is the only kid he still has. It is my belief that he feels he has somehow failed as a parent, even though the adoption counselor told him that it is highly possible these kids could go down a negative path and that it wouldn't have anything to do with how they were raised by their adoptive parents but that some kids are genetically programmed to go down a similar path as their bio parents when drugs, alcohol, and crime are involved.

So back to my stepdaughter, who he adopted as a baby. Let me be clear that he is an amazing step dad to my bio daughters but I get where he is coming from feeling like he "went wrong" in his adoptive kids life and wanting to do whatever possible to salvage at least one relationship with one of his kids.

My stepdaughter seems to milk this situation for all it's worth. She is horrible to my husband and he seems to do a lot of turning the other cheek with her. She talks to him like dirt, doesn't do anything he tells her to do. She doesn't follow our rules. She is a slob. Her room is awful with food, trash, etc and I fear for rats and roaches. She doesn't flush the toilet. She stopped speaking to me about a year ago because I called her out for continually sneaking her boyfriend in the house for sex. This is where my husband finally put his foot down and told her he couldn't come over anymore. This boyfriend of hers was an adult (18) when she was 16 and here she is sneaking him in, while my two younger daughters are living with us and not knowing he was here. I pretty much just gave up on trying to talk to her or discipline her because she never listens to anything I say and frankly I am tired of fighting with my husband over her. He is so much more interested in being the cool dad and friend to her and doesn't see what a huge disservice he is doing her but I had to disassocialte myself from stressing over it.

My stepdaughter constantly takes my things and my daughter's without asking. She sneaked my nice mountain bike out to ride to her boyfriends and just left it there. She loans our things out, loses them, etc. My daughters and I have to go in her room to retrieve our belongings. The things we come across, condoms, vapes, the morning after pills, etc. I worry about her but again, can't talk to her because she wants nothing to do with me and when I talk to my husband it turns into a fight.

So the light at the end of the tunnel for me was counting down until she becomes an adult and moves out. Now that she is almost 18, I realize that isn't going to happen anytime soon. She works but spends her money as fast as she makes it. My husband handed her over his old BMW so she has no car payment. All she is required to pay is her phone bill and he may start having her pay a portion of car insurance. Otherwise, there is no saving her money. She spends it as fast as she makes it. Her boyfriend is a deadbeat who she supports too.

If you have made it this far, thank you for sticking around because here is my question....At what point have we done our time? She supposedly moved in because of an unreasonable step dad. Well he left her mom about 2 years ago and in reality, he just had rules wheras my husband was the fun dad who lets her do whatever she wants. Since she is so hellbent on not speaking to me or following our house rules, couldn't she move back in with her mom? Oh that's right. She likes living where she doesn't have to be accountable for anything and her mom has rules too. So she gets to come and go as she pleases, lives here rent free, etc. My daughters finally have come to terms with my having expectations out of them even though my stepdaughter can do whatever she wants. My stepdaughter was allowed to drop out of school her senior year. She actually made it further than my husband's three sons who dropped out of school younger than that. My daughter who is only a year younger than my stepdaughter is actually graduating early and will be 16 when she goes to college in the fall. Can you see my resentment? My daughter will be going off to college at 16 while my stepdaughter gets to freeload and be disrespectful to me. I feel like I need to bite my tongue because I want my husband to continue to be a great stepfather to my daughters. They love him and he loves them. I don't want to rush to kick my stepdaughter out because there may be a day when my daughters graduate that they may need to move back home temporarily.

So what are my rights as a stepmom? I love my husband. He is good to me and my girls. I actually feel sorry for my stepdaughter as it seems my husband just kind of "gave up" on her and has no expectations out of her. Since she clearly isn't going anywhere anytime soon, what rules or compromises can my husband and I come up with as far as his kid? I fear with her careless lifestyle, and her freeloading boyfriend, I fear that he may move in too and I may end up having to help raise their kids.

Not to be selfish but I was counting down to being an empty nester and the thought that my kids who are younger than my stepkid, may move out before my stepkid, has me feeling resentful. I love my husband but honestly do not know how much longer I can go on. I hate the thought of letting her run me off because my husband and I really love each other and have the potential to live out our golden years in happiness. Sorry for rambling. I am not even sure what I am looking for, to vent, get answers, get comfort, see if anyone else is going through something similar? Thanks for listening.

2Tired4Drama's picture

Here's your basic problem, "when I talk to my husband it turns into a fight"

Your husband is the problem, and your husband is the solution. If he wants to save his marriage and his home, he is the one who must DEMAND that his daughter either toe the line, or get out.

If he is not willing to do this, and it seems somewhat doubtful, then your fears about the future may be realized. Your SD will continue on with her current behavior (or worse, bring a baby into it) and nothing will change.

Have you asked your husband to go to family counseling, so that you can come up with a mutually agreed-upon solution to SD's situation?

sandye21's picture

As a Mother of older adopted children I can tell you it is not easy. They pray on your insecurities as a parent and use it for all it's worth. They DO tend to follow in the footsteps of their bio parents as far as drugs and alcohol are concerned, and as alcohol / drug addicts, look for the easiest way to get what they want no matter the cost to the parent. If it means stepping all over you to get it that is exactly what they will do. The social worker told me, "Just give them love and everything will be OK." The truth was, the social worker just wanted to get them out of the system so they could finalize their report and say they were successful in placement. I can understand your DH's feeling of failure, I did too for many years. He is grasping at the last the last straw in the pile before he admits that this person was a victim of society long before she was born.

The thing is, this is a path DH chose before he ever met you. SD needs to know you are to be respected in your home or there will be consequences. You have to look after yourself - SD is definitely looking after herself. Since it appears SD is not going to college and dropped out of high school, you will have done your time when she is 18 years old. I would give her the option of getting her act together or leaving when she is 18. If your DH wants to continue to fund her lifestyle let him do it with his own money and elsewhere.

dkh's picture

Thank you and I agree. This is why I haven't hit the road a long time ago. I have bio kids of my own and since my husband does not, I have tried to be so sympathetic towards his doing exactly what you said, grasping at the last straw which is trying to hang onto a relationship with the 4th out of 4 kids he raised. And absolutely, every dime he puts into his kid is with his own money. I would have a bigger issue if I was helping to fund her bad habits. I try to be sympathetic to his situation. I have a great relationship with my bio daughters. Thankfully, he has a great relationship with my daughters too which is another reason I haven't run for the hills yet. I even try to be sympathetic to his daughter being a fetal alcohol syndrome kid as she seems to match all the symptoms I have read about them. However there is a fine line between my being compassionate to enabling her. I think she is definitely at the age of accountability and she is past the point of not knowing right from wrong, and is more along the line of a master manipulator (another reason I won't let her run me off because I know that is what she would love more than anything.)

sandye21's picture

My adopted daughters has Fetal alcohol syndrome also. I was not informed that they had it, only that the Bio Mother was addicted to drugs and alcohol. But I read books and found out myself because of certain physical characteristics and behavior. There are various degrees of it. It is very hard to deal with at times, and it tears your heart out when you have to tell them that you can not take care of them anymore - or live with the behavior issues.

Is there any way your SD could get financial help through the government?

dkh's picture

Hello. I am sorry to hear you have experienced similar hardships with fetal alcohol syndrome. I know that because she is adopted she gets benefits until she is 18 which will be in June but I am not sure what additional benefits may be available to her because of the fas. Since i don't have any other experience with fas, should I be more patient with her instead of just viewing her behavior as a self entitled brat? Maybe that is why my husband is so patient with her. He may have more knowledge of the symptoms of this wheras from where I am sitting he looks like a pushover and she looks like a spoiled kid?

sandye21's picture

Here's a good site to go to: https://www.nofas.org/living-with-fasd/. I am definitely not an expert and had to learn on my own, although at times I have to admit I was a poor example to follow. From what I have read, consistency is key. They must still have boundaries, and know what is acceptable behavior and what is expected of them in your home. Unless she is severely affected by FAS your SD should be able to clean up after herself and help around the house.

There are differing degrees of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. One of my daughters had both physical signs and emotional ones. She still struggles. The younger daughter, who was her birth sister, had more behavior problems such as lying, stealing and setting fires.

dkh's picture

I agree with you on my husband being the problem. He has the ultimate power to nip this thing in the bud. For example, he could easily say, "You want to keep driving that car I gave you? Start following our rules". "You want to continue to live here rent free? Show my wife some respect" I do get all that. We have been to counseling and it has helped some. We aren't terribly comfortable airing all of our family drama out to a stranger but we may need to revisit this idea.

I know people may assume that if he is a lousy parent, he must be a lousy husband too but that is not the case. He is a great husband and equally important, he is a wonderful step dad to my kids. Bottom line, if she wasn't part of the equation, things would be great. I know this late in the game, I won't be able to change her or my husband. I can only change how I deal with it and decide how long I will continue to deal with it.

My hope is that we can keep our relationship (his and mine) separate from the relationship between his daughter and myself. I can't promise that if she is still around in 5 more years or so that I will still accept this lifestyle but for now, the whole disengaging has worked out pretty nicely. I have also learned that rather than me nagging about every little thing she does wrong, if I just bite my tongue and let him see things for himself, he will see what a monster she is rather than getting so defensive if I point it out.

Thank you for the feedback.

Rags's picture

Though you have no legal rights as a SParent in your home and marriage you have every right you choose to take. So ... since she is a HS drop out... the locks get rekeyed on her 18th B-day and she no longer lives at home.

Kids who are HS graduates and full time college students justify continued parental/SParental support by their actions and efforts.

Your SD has earned nothing and should get no support until her behaviors earn it. IMHO she earns re-engaged parental/SParental support by first and foremost treating you, her father, and the family home with respect by supporting herself, following standards of reasonable age appropriate behavior, contributing to the home by keeping her areas and stuff clean and... cleaning and doing chores as and when asked...

Second but only slightly is that she should have to finish HS or a GED ... BEFORE ... she gains access to the family home and parental/SParental support.

If, and it is a BIG if, she ever does earn home and Parental/Sparental support access it must remain on a zero tolerance for deviation form reasonable behavior or she is gone status.

You and DH need to take care of each other and of the children that you share who are worthy of your support.

IMHO of course.

Acratopotes's picture

Disengage from the SD, you and your daughters will have to start locking your stuff up.

Then start working on your husband and make it clear, no kid graduating from high school will stay in your house anymore, if they do stay they will work and pay rent and clean after themselves.

If your husband still fights with you about this girl, take your kids and move, live separately and let him stay with his snow flake....

bethanco's picture

I had two step sons from hell. One died and the other one is addicted to meth and has a RAP sheet as such, no one will ever hire him. HIs RAP sheet contains 8 Criminal Court appearances and 5 arrests. The difference? My step sons never lived with me, you have the step daughter living with you since age 14.

Remember one thing, This is your home too. You have a right to peace in your own home. Sit your husband down and explain the situation that he needs to man up to this situation or you will.
1). Set the SD down and define the rules of the house.
2). If she chooses not to abide by the rules, pack her up and return her to her mother and the step father.
It is our job in parenting to "demand respect", teach them how to live in this world, build the next generaiton of fully functioning adults.
If she thinks you are a hand full wait till she meets her boss in adulthood. Time for you or you and husband to do Tough Love on her before it's too late and she becomes her brothers.

I would keep a healthy distance from SD. Do not believe that you can have a good warm fuzzy relationship with her unless you raised her which you did not. This stepdaughter is playing you and her father and getting away with it.
You can not fix her in any shape or form. BUT you can try to mold her. You are the stranger in the house to her.

When my step son came to visit (uninvited), and starting to smoke meth on my porch. (I was unaware that was meth until I learned later he had a drug problem). I wrote him a lengthly letter, NEVER come to MY home and smoke meth on my porch again, I will call the Police. Your Father and I have security clearance with the government. He was 45 yrs old at the time and still living with his Mother and off his Mother - A Low Functioning Adult. His name was Eric.
My husband, his Father died in 2016. Eric was exceited, he finally inherits a lot of money he cockily assumed.
His Father disinherited him.

Surprise.