Just dont know...

So YSS made a comment to me on Sunday and said that "Dad is going to become addicted to this video game so he will be spending less time with you now." I only saw red when he said that and told him to get out of my face. He told DH he was joking with me and of course DH's little angel and say or do no wrong so of course I was told that I needed to grow up for getting upset that a 10 year old said that to me. I cannot help but think that he said it on purpose to hurt my feelings and also said it because he feels that DH doesn't isn't paying enough attention to him and he feels that he pays more attention to me. Which is total bulls*** because I have never tried to take DH away from his kids. So it is just never enough for this kid. I honestly feel that the kid just doesn't want me around now and thinks I am stealing his dad away but making that comment to me. I could be wrong but, how would you feel if your skid said this to you? How much time should a NCP be spending with his kids when it's their visitation time?

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Don't waste your time arguing

Don't waste your time arguing with a kid. 'Addicted? No time for his wife? Pffft, little boy I pay the bills and can cut the cords to that stupid game in a blink of the eye'. There said and done.

Put Daddy and kid in their place with one quick reality check then let it go.

Boy, does that kid got your

Boy, does that kid got your number. That one comment has you super stressed. He has probably already forgotten he said it.

Personally, I would just say something stupid right back. Like "Thank God, I could use the break" But my skids have never said anything mean to me. SS likes to give me dirty looks but I LOUDLY call him out every time. Makes me laugh because it's like he forgets I'll call him out and he starts with quick excuses.

As for how much time should be spend during visitation, that depends on so many factors. How often is visitation, how old is the child. Does the child want to spend masses amount of time with the NCP. Right now SD has become a hermit. She holes up in her room listening to music. DH checks in on her but doesn't make her leave her room to hang out.

Seems like you are over thinking this. If the kid makes a stupid comment, make one back. What's DH going to say? It's just a joke right? Let DH and the skids set the pace with regards to how much time they spend together. The occasional times I feel neglected during skid time, I tell DH that I'd like to spend some extra time together when skids to back to BM's. I never say "Your spending too much time with you kids."

Yes he does apparently. But

Yes he does apparently. But of course the kid was confused as to why I was upset by that comment. But, I see that as him telling me "hey are you taking up to my time with my dad and I am letting you know by being snide". YSS is 10 years old. The skids are here for a month during the summer had EOW and during the school year every Thursday night plus holidays etc. It's not like DH doesn't take them places during the weekend without me and I even encourage it. I just think it is never enough for this kid. When I first came into the picture he wanted to spend every weekend with his dad instead of EOW and of course BM was ok with that since DH had a new GF. So SS started spending every weekend with us at first since there was no CO when I first met DH. Now BM doesn't want SS coming over every weekend anymore hmmmmm!!! I think that YSS just doesn't want dad to have anyone but BM in his life.

My SS would live as a leach

My SS would live as a leach on the side of my DH. The attention seeking is never ending. My DH even complains about it.

I tell DH that it's ok to tell SS NO sometimes. SS does it because he is not allowed to play video games and watch TV so he is bored. He can't self-entertain so he thinks it's DH's job. I figure if DH want's to entertain SS every second, have had it. I'm not. He does sometimes make comments about me not wanting to hang out with SS. I just ask him if he sees me hanging out with a bunch of 11 yr olds? I'm not a child. I'm not going in his room and "playing" with him. LOL

I thought my SS would have outgrown this by now, but I can now see an 18yr old, 6'4, 210lb SS hanging on daddy. I can't wait to laugh.

Your SS may never grow out of it either. I just make sure to say, often, that I won't allow adult Skids to live with ME.

Yeah exactly that is what I

Yeah exactly that is what I am afraid of as well. I told DH once these kids are 18 they are adults and I am done. They have to be responsible for themselves if they want to live with us which means getting a job or going to school as long as they are doing something they are aren't to live in my house if they aren't going to do something with their lives. Same goes if I ever have my own kids. I am not supporting some self entitled 18 year old. It is really affecting my marriage though my DH is very distant since this has happened and I just want to get back to where we were before. This is exactly what the kid wants is for me to go away.

"Seems like you are over

"Seems like you are over thinking this. If the kid makes a stupid comment, make one back. What's DH going to say? It's just a joke right? Let DH and the skids set the pace with regards to how much time they spend together. The occasional times I feel neglected during skid time, I tell DH that I'd like to spend some extra time together when skids to back to BM's. I never say "Your spending too much time with you kids.""

This really says it for me.

He's a kid. My YSD was also a bit of an attention grabber.. still is. I chalk it up to her being the youngest of all her cousins.. separated parents... etc..

I remember her telling me when I first met her.. "you look like EXGF"... apparently some woman my DH dated for a bit after he left his wife and before he met me.

He told me that I absolutely didn't look like her. I think it was a 5 yo trying to say something she thought would bother or shock me.

You know, kids sometimes just want to get a "rise" out of you. Sometimes it isn't even meant with malice.. they just think it's funny. Yeah, I know, funny to you? no.. but they think it's funny.

Like when we used to stuff peanut butter in my dad's bugles. He hates peanut butter (not allergic). We thought it was funny to see his "yuck face".

Your SS is amusing himself and projecting his own feelings of neglect at the same time.

How much time is appropriate? Again, really subjective there. If the kids are only around occasionally, I would say a larger percentage of time should be WITH the kids.. If they are there every day? Certainly some time each day, but it doesn't have to be 24/7.

My SS once brought out a

My SS once brought out a picture of DH, BM and both kids. SD ran out and tried to stop him but I told him to go ahead and say what he had to say. SS said that I looked just like his mom in the picture. Guess what, I did! I look a lot like BM did when she was younger. I guess my DH has a type.

That's funny. Sometimes

That's funny. Sometimes stuff is true.. sometimes the kids just say things because they are tone deaf to other's feelings..and sometimes they say it to get a rise out of someone.

It's like my lab that will chase my chickens...or a cat. He doesn't want to actually CATCH either of them.. but he just loves the kerfluffle that the chickens make... wings a flapping or the streak of a cat racing for the treeline. It's exciting for him.

It probably also is satisfying or exciting for the YSS to see Tankh get flustered over a comment like that. And, I don't mean that he means to do it in a mean/evil or manipulative way (at least not consciously). He just likes the rush of seeing his comment ruffle someone's feathers.

Sounds like your DH maybe doesn't spend enough time with his YSS. It's like you say "you mean he should spend a couple hours every day???" like that seems unreasonable to you. They are his kids, someone else entertained and cared for them all day. It should be his responsibility when he comes home from work... So, yeah, a few hours of daddy time for YSS might be a good idea. Sounds like the kid is starved for attention.

That's the other reason why kid says things like that... he feels neglected, so he wants you to feel that way too.

Thank21 - you know what the

Thank21 - you know what the snot meant, you are not wrong.... he does this time after time, you know it, why still get upset about it?

new plan of action Hon... next time SS says something stupid like that, DH not going to have time for you, smile and say, guess we are in the same boat then kiddo .... he will think about it and pester his Dad to not end.

or say something like.... Oh really, know what when you are not here I have my husband (not your Dad) all to myself I do not have to share him with any one... snot will figure out, he shares his dad with his brother...

the kid found out how to push your buttons and you allow it... now stop allowing it, stop showing him he won, simply move your buttons and he pushes nothing.... he's a kid FFS you are an adult - get clever

So when DH gets home from

So when DH gets home from work when the skids are there during the summer he should spend a couple of hours with them everyday?? OSS is a hermit and stays in his room most of the time YSS is the one that is clinging to my DH and is the one that I seems to misbehave when I am around. I find it funny that he is good all day long for the babysitter but then when DH gets home from work it is make noise, be loud, misbehave etc. I think that he is doing it so DH will pay attention to him but the kid also gets upset when DH pays the even the slightest attention to OSS which is not fair to him. He seems the think that the living room is his "territory" as well and can tell us including DH what to do when it comes to the living room TV. It is absolutely ridiculous.

No my DH does not have an

No my DH does not have an addictive personality the comment was to mean to be snide towards me and DH just didn't see it that way. I admit DH should spend some more time with the skids since it's summer break but he works and then I am expected to cook dinner because YSS wants attention hell no!

Your SS can be in the kitchen

Your SS can be in the kitchen with your DH while he cooks dinner.

Hey buddy, hand me the salt.

Can you put the rolls on the plate?

Help me mix the dressing.

Please set the table.

Plus spend time talking to him about his day etc....

It IS possible to both watch kids and do stuff like that. Ladies in the olden days did it ALL.THE.TIME

Nope he is quiet until I come

Nope he is quiet until I come out of the room and then he starts doing his same routine like being loud, running back and forth, picking on this brother. I think it is just my presence and he feels like I am a threat. It is very stressful and getting very old.

DH could be sitting at his

DH could be sitting at his computer at the kitchen table for about 15 minutes or so and I will come out to wash dishes or do something in the kitchen and then all of the sudden here comes YSS.

Can't DH have YSS help him

Can't DH have YSS help him make dinner. My skids still love to do this.

We have tried to do family

We have tried to do family dinners and doing things as a family YSS just ends up misbehaving.

And, how does your husband

And, how does your husband deal with the misbehavior? Does the kid misbehave after having no attention from dad.. and it's his first chance at an audience?

Why don't you and your DH continue to work with him on appropriate dinner behavior at home? If you did that, perhaps your dinners out would not be such fiascos.

I guess from your description, the kids are getting close to zero interaction with their father. He is doing virtually nothing to help them learn how to behave. He just plain and simple isn't parenting. He is however taking his turns on the video game.

That thing would be gone by now.

He isn't playing any video

He isn't playing any video games except for that one time the other night and I honestly think he was just doing it to keep YSS from fighting with OSS. My DH doesn't really know what he is doing when it comes to YSS I don't think however, he does spend them with them on the weekends. He takes them fishing, to the movies, etc. So he does have interactions with his kids. Like for instance, this weekend he is taking the kids out on the boat without me so that is spending time with his kids.

Once a week? yippee. Your DH

Once a week? yippee.

Your DH fulfills all his dadly duties on the weekend? No wonder the kid acts like he is a junky for attention. I get it, your DH doesn't know what to do with him. How about talk, hang out, let the kid be around him while he cooks dinner? Let the kid weed the flower bed while he mows the grass. Play a board game with the two boys?

I totally get why the kid is in competition for attention. He has you around that is also angling for his dad's affection.. plus an older brother. Your DH doesn't appear to have the time of day to give to his kids during the week. so to speak.

That is still no reason to

That is still no reason to act like an ass every time I come around. YSS can't have everything his way.

and neither can you... but

and neither can you... but you still want it your way right?

It is an excuse.. a reason. By your own admission, this kid has issues that perhaps should be medicated right? He is immature for a 10 yo too.

So, it's only a competition if you let it be.

Nope and I know that is

Nope and I know that is really the problem. Like I said he has every excuse in the book as to why YSS acts the way he does. For example YSS kicked the therapist at BM's house because he didn't want to do something that the therapist told him to do and my DH's reaction to that was well maybe he shouldn't be forced to do something that he doesn't want to do or maybe he was trying to protect himself. I am thinking are you f******kidding me!!!

I am not sure you understood

I am not sure you understood what was being asked.

It's not about what the kid did at BM's and defending him when you try to point out his faults. How has that been working out for you? It just flat out doesn't. You try to point out bad things about his kids... he defends. That is how it always plays out right? Look, you are not going to get your DH to agree that he has "bad" "manipulative" kids. You need to stop because it is not getting you anywhere.

What it IS about is how your DH parents the children in his OWN home. It sounds like he isn't parenting at all. He's on his computer in the kitchen while the kid is elsewhere. He is doing his stuff on a day to day basis. Sure, he takes the kids on some activity once or twice a week but that isn't being an active parent.

An active parent would have the kid helping set the table. He would be talking with him about his day. He would be correcting unacceptable behavior.

For example, you are washing dishes and your DH is speaking with you about the chores for the week. YSS comes in and starts his monkey on crack act. "Hey son, Tank and I are in the middle of a discussion, you don't interrupt adults... when we finish I will come get you and we can do something together ok?"

When you are eating your family dinner and kid starts stacking rolls into his own personal leaning tower of piza... "Son, we don't play with our food. No one wants to eat the rolls after you have had your hand on every one... now finish your meal or you will be excused from the table and go to your room for the rest of the evening"

When he has already had his turn on the xbox and his older brother is having his turn.. and he starts acting up. "son, now, you spent your hour playing mario bro's.. now it's OSS turn for an hour... if you can't be polite and let him have his time, I will give him your hour allotment tomorrow and he will have TWO hours".

I am not sure you understood

I am not sure you understood what was being asked.

An active parent would have the kid helping set the table. He would be talking with him about his day. He would be correcting unacceptable behavior.

I used to get all twisted up

I used to get all twisted up by the comments that my YSS would make. He actually would flat out start crying and throw a fit because I had grounded him from video games SIX MONTHS earlier. He would be cranky and a big baby so he would pull whatever he could out of his memory to blame his mood on me. I really didn't care. Now granted, my DH didn't actually believe YSS was upset over something that happened six months ago and he thought it was ridiculous....but I stopped caring.

My YSS went through a phase of disagreeing with EVERYTHING I ever said. I just started calling him out on it and he finally stopped.

Who cares what a snarky 10 yr old says. I promise you, he is not quick witted enough to be throwing passive aggressive digs at you.

Yeah I should've handled it

Yeah I should've handled it better than I do because not this kid knows that he got to me and know what upsets me.

So anything I can do to try

So anything I can do to try to make SS feel more secure so that this situation doesn't continue to affect my marriage?

I have done pretty much this

I have done pretty much this with SS many times.

Once, SS was full on sobbing that he missed his great grandparents...People that are dead and he has never ever met.

DH was babying him and holding him. SS was still upset. DH couldn't figure it out. I pulled SS aside and told him if he needs attention or is feeling lonely, just say something. Crying about people he never met isn't going to get him what he needs. He immediately stopped and asked if we could play a board game. Kid's crazy.

How is it impacting your

How is it impacting your marriage? If it isn't true.. you have no marriage problem

What you do have is a spouse who is not a very involved or active father to these kids. Older one has gotten to where he doesn't much care but the younger.. less emotionally developed kid.. is still angling for his dad to step up and do better. he is hurting, and sometimes when people hurt they inflict their feelings on others.

It is affecting my marriage

It is affecting my marriage because every time I even come close to my own DH YSS start in on his bulls*** so how is that not affecting my marriage? The kid is literally misbehaving on purpose. I don't get how you can say my DH is not very involved. BM was the one that messed up and broke up the family. I know that every dream of COD's is that fairy tale that mommy and daddy will get back together and I know that because I had that fairy tale in my mind as well. DH is the NCP and the CO gives him visitation time however, he has to pay bills, and have a life to so I am sorry if YSS can't comprehend that. I mean how else would the kid get supported. Have you thought about that? Also we don't have the money to be doing all these things that these kids want to do either. I don't know why you think that DH isn't very involved with his kid.

'he has to pay bills, and

'he has to pay bills, and have a life'

'I am sorry if YSS can't comprehend that'

He's 10. No way is he comprehending that. He just wants his daddy.

I get how annoying it can be. My SS is a hand full. But you certainly can't expect a 10yr behave/think the way an adult would.

Yeah I know he just want to

Yeah I know he just want to spend time with his dad but, he doesn't have to take it out on me in the crossfire either. This is an everyday occurrence and I just want to leave my own house most of the time. I left my house the other day and get this my DH said I was cheated on him. I mean YSS is not the only problem. I love my DH and I want this to work I just don't know how to get through to him.

SS is not a problem. SS is

SS is not a problem. SS is NOT your problem. SS is NOT your husband's problem. SS is NOT your relationship problem.

The problem... is your DH.

That remark above is really nothing and could've been said as a funny. *Shrug*

If it's 4 days a month, it's far from an everyday deal.

Disclaimer: unless you're the pick things apart, looking for trouble, sorta paranoid lady. Then my answer would be slightly different.

See my response above. You

See my response above.

You seem to think an activity or two over a weekend is all the kid needs from his dad.

Yeah.. he has to go to work, but I don't hear you saying anything about your husband working on any of these behavior issues with the boy.

I am not talking about what happens at BM's house.. I am talking about what is happening at YOURS in front of your DH... he isn't even around his kids.. you are.

As of have said before my DH

As of have said before my DH doesn't think there is anything wrong with the kid and that we need to let him be himself. In other words he think that I am a Nazi. Exactly what does this kid needs from his dad so that I can help him to do it so all of this bulls*** will stop? Please help me!!!

If your husband thinks that

If your husband thinks that the kid is behaving normally then I'm not sure there is much you can do except for disengage from the situation.

The kid getting loud? leave.. go read a book. He follows you? Call DH.. to come get his kid because you are trying to read in peace.

The kid wants to tell you about his dad being "addicted".. just look at him blankly and say "ok".. then ignore what he said. You know he is trying to get a rise out of you.. so blow it off. Or say "sounds like something you need to talk to your dad about".

Kid won't sit in his seat at a restaurant. I would tell him one time to sit in his seat and if he won't.. I would get up.. tell your DH that you will see them outside. And I wouldn't be all that "niceee" to DH.

I also don't think you should have any problem telling the kid yourself.

HEY buddy, your dad and I are in the middle of something, he will come get you when we are done.

But, like with ole BM.. you can't CONTROL everyone around you 100% of the time. You can't always control how people ACT, but you CAN control how you REACT.

This kid is trying, AND

This kid is trying, AND SUCCEEDING, at getting your goat. When your DH said the kid was joking, you could have said "So was I!" and left it at that. He's a child and you are the adult. The truly valid question is: Is he trying to get your goat or get your attention? He could also be doing this to intentionally irritate you so DADDY will spend more time with him (which I what I believe).

Bottom line: your DH needs to spend more time with his kids. They are there during the week. A weekend activity is NOT enough? What would your DH do if you were NOT there? He would HAVE to pay attention to his kids.

In fact, I think that's a key point. STOP BEING THERE. Find yourself an activity outside of the house 1 or 2 nights a week. Join a book club. Go to the gym. Take tennis lessons. Start a new hobby. DO SOMETHING. Heck, find a therapist. You should be above a child making asinine comments, hon.

Ok so just be invisible and

Ok so just be invisible and let DH spend time with his kids when they are there.

I would rephrase it as "Ok,

I would rephrase it as

"Ok, so spend time doing what I want to do and make DH take care of his kids when they are there"

Don't get into playground taunts with a 10YO.
Accept that while the kids are there that your DH has that responsibility to them, so during that time it WILL reduce the attention you get to some extent. Don't stoop to a 10yo level because you feel like YOU are in a competition.
Enforce boundaries that when you DO need to speak with DH privately that the kids aren't permitted to interrupt. "kids, we are talking and will be done soon.. your dad will be out there in a few minutes."

Ok thank you that makes sense

Ok thank you that makes sense to me.

Thank you, ESMOD. Didn't

Thank you, ESMOD. Didn't realize I was speaking Swahili...

Crikey, I did NOT say be

Crikey, I did NOT say be invisible. Where on earth did you get THAT??? I suggested you find some activities for yourself. You can do something YOU enjoy. Your DH can spend one-on-one time with his kids.

Do you honestly find it reasonable for a father to only spend time with his children for a few hours, one day a week?? My Dad worked full time, went to school, and still made time to interact and spend one-on-one with his FIVE bio children and TWO foster children. Even if it was only 15 minutes each.

I was joking Aniki by bad!

That wasn't a joke. It was a

That wasn't a joke. It was a passive aggessive, victim playing comment.

You must be a troll like your

You must be a troll like your disclaimer bullshit!!

Lol In all of... 7 years (?)

Lol In all of... 7 years (?) you're the first to call me the t word! Thanks.

Step back for a minute. Breathe a little.

Your comment was just as passive aggressive as SS's. DH defended SS as just joking. You defended yourself as just joking. You're stuck in this huge whirl of sh*t where every single little thing is offensive & disrespectful & horrible & you're "fighting" with a 10yo.

You can't get out of the eye of the sh*tstorm until you see & understand that it's up to you.

Phew, tank!! I was completely

Phew, tank!! I was completely baffled!!!

Hon, love yourself more than you let the skids irritate you. Find something that's just for you; something that makes you HAPPY and RELAXED. Something you look forward to doing more than you look forward to escaping the house.

I know that my DH appreciates me absenting myself so he have spend father/skid time. Especially the last few months before PrincASS left for boot camp.

BTW, you can always take your book to a park or coffee shop. Hell, go to a bar, have a cocktail, and read. I've been doing that for years!!

No Aniki and I wasn't trying

No Aniki and I wasn't trying to be passive aggressive like that troll said I was either.

She's not a troll. You might

She's not a troll. You might not like her or what she says, but she's not a troll.

Trolls say things specifically designed to hurt you... they don't say things that you might be hurt by hearing.

About the kid - he said he was joking... you felt he wasn't. You said you were joking...she felt you weren't.

Doesn't matter. The point is - do the things you want to do, for yourself, when the brat bugs your husband. Or straight out tell the kid not to interrupt, you're in the middle of a conversation... if DH resists, ask him if he'd tolerate a homeless drunk bum cutting in on your and his conversation... if the answer is no... ask him why not, since he seems to feel it's no big deal to have a conversation interrupted by someone rude...

and... just walk away when he does this kind of crap. Tell your husband you'll be around once he's through with his entertainer responsibilities... go take a bath, puzzle, book whatever you want to do. DH will come find you.

The irony. It almost hurts.

Then why did you put that

Then why did you put that disclaimer on your post? I took it as you were calling me paranoid etc.

Aw. You called me the T word.

Aw. You called me the T word. Nothing I can say will change anything. I said that for exactly the reason I wrote. My answer would be slightly different if you were that lady.

I will leave you to do you now. Hope it all turns out for ya!

Well I just feel you saying

Well I just feel you saying that I was being passive aggressive and victim playing in my comment was a little bit harsh and I thought you were just trying to start drama. If I am wrong than I am wrong. I had to change my screen name because of trolls so I apologize for jumping the gun and thinking you are a troll thisisnotmocking. I really am not passive at all actually. I am one of the most argumentative, aggressive people that you will ever meet.

LOL kind of like this comment

LOL kind of like this comment you made: Disclaimer: unless you're the pick things apart, looking for trouble, sorta paranoid lady. Then my answer would be slightly different.

Damn that is a good one

Damn that is a good one DanielleR Thank you I didn't think about that one. }:)

I don't think that this

I don't think that this comment from a 10 year old is worth all this fuss. I don't think he was trying to upset you, and I don't think its necessarily because the kid has his own attention issues. He probably heard you ask DH to pay attention to you at some point, and was attempting to helpfully let you know that people who play video games pay no attention to anyone. Seriously, I think the kid was just making conversation. If this was a biokid, nobody would think anything of the comment, but because he's a step people get all bent out of shape.

I know when people are trying

I know when people are trying to be manipulating and when SS couldn't do it to me and I told DH about it SS was upset so that was motive enough to say something to me that would upset me. This kid doesn't behave like any 10 year old I have ever seen before so I am pretty sure he meant something by what he said and due to my DH's blindness and lack of parenting is why the kid said this to me. Of course if it was your bio kid would you never want to think that something is going on with your kid when in reality there really is. I also find it funny that the kid behaves for the babysitter all day long and when I get home from work all hell breaks loose. Yeah I know people's patterns and this kid has it out for me.

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