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BM being vindictive....

tankh21's picture

So OSS had a band concert last night that started at 7:00 pm so we were on our way there at around 6:30 pm then all of the sudden BM calls and says that OSS is sick and will be not going to the concert. DH says well you could've told me earlier she said that she was busy. So to me that means that she knew for awhile OSS was not feeling well so she could've told DH right when he got sick. But whatever it's only OUR time and gas you know so BM could care less. DH said that he thinks she did it on purpose because she called 10 minutes before the band concert was going to start and she knew that we were going to it because OSS told her that we were coming. So she can text at 6:00 am and since DH told her to refer to the CO for appropriate non-emergency contact times she was pissed off so she pulled this crap. Everything is a game to her and she is just a miserable person and wants to make every one miserable. DH just wants to ignore it. I am trying to stay out of their affairs and not get upset but BM didn't just waste DH's time and money she also wasted mine. Is there a better way to deal with this crap because I don't know how much more I can take?


Acratopotes's picture

I bet you if you still went, not turned around, you would've seen OSS practicing in the band...

BM said he's sick and not going.... you turned around, then she told him, see your father feels nothing for you he did not even showed up

FrenchPeas's picture

You’re dead on. Ex psycho Bm used to do this exact thing. Kids get grades for concerts. We did. Bet he was there.

ESMOD's picture

Girl, this is annoying, but not the end of the world. Kids get sick... they get sick suddenly. They get well suddenly... She may have very well hoped that he would feel well enough to to.. She may have also been busy taking care of the sick kid (and other kid) and then had one of those "oh crap" moments when she realized that her EX was planning to to to the concert that the child would no longer be in.

Honestly, I think this is still a bit of a case of you thinking that she really thinks about you and her EX too much. In fact, I think she actually doesn't think about you two much at all... She is being lazy.. and she is not keeping her EX in her mind as a priority. That's why she doesn't bother worrying about calling early... It's not to annoy you.. it just happens to be the easiest time for her to call. It's easier to ask for clarifications from your DH than look up and interpret things on her own.

I seriously doubt she is looking for ways to make your life miserable... it is just happening because she isn't taking your family's feelings into consideration... just her own.. which isn't being vindictive.. it's moving on and not caring about the EX.

I would have turned to your DH and said... Oh.. that's great.. we can now go catch a movie.. or go have a couple drinks at our favorite wine bar.. or have a nice couple's dinner. Look at it as an opportunity to do things for the two of you:)

tankh21's picture

It could be that way as well but why is she texting my DH at 6:00 am when it could've waited until the appropriate non-emergency contact time? Just like she called my DH at 1:30 am in the once last year as well. She needs to respect boundaries when it's not an emergency.

ESMOD's picture

Apparently for her that was when was convenient.. she is being thoughtless..

Are the boundaries set in the CO as to her call times? or is it that you are assuming what she should think is reasonable and a boundary.

Being vindictive is calling every day at 6 am or 1:30 am for nonsense reasons. Doing it a few times a year is annoying but probably not worth a passing eyeroll moment. It's not like you have an infant in the home or something... it's just that apparently she keeps different hours.

My DH and his daughter usually catch up briefly every morning before 7 am. But she gets to work by 7.. and so they are both up. Occasionally her calls or texts wake us up when we aren't planning to be up that day early.. but it's not like she is planning to bother us.

A few calls a year aren't worth your blood pressure. Roll your eyes.. and just go on with your day without giving her a 2nd thought. Annoying, but not life shattering.

momjeans's picture

Its always a game with BMs like this.

While it’s inconvenient, yes, to be contacted last minute, BM could have very well been waiting until the last minute herself, to see if OSS was going to feel up to making it to the concert. I can see both sides.

Your DH should contact OSS’s band teacher, verify if he was there or not, and take it from there if he wants to nail BM’s butt with alienation.

My gut feeling is that BM doesn’t want the two of you attending functions together. Only your DH.

notsofast's picture

Do your phones have a do not disturb feature? I can set mine to not vibrate or ring unless it's from certain people I want to hear from during certain time windows. I am a very light sleeper, so I have to have that.

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

I would have requested speaking to OSS right then and there.
You know just to tell him that your sorry he's missing the concert, you were looking forward to seeing him, and you hope he gets to feeling better.

She can still do alot to try and make you guys out to be the bad guy BUT the child has heard from you the truth as you know it.

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

That's how SO handles any speical event he founds out about. Even if he can't attend he himself will call and speak to the child himself so they hear it from him and not BM.

I think it shows he is aware of things and that he does want to be involved. He makes it to the majority of things. When he can't it is directly work related and the child is informed in advance he doesn't know if he will make it.

It's either yes I will and he does.
No I can't because x reason.
Or I'm not sure and I will have to look at x.

If anything changes he calls and speaks directly to the child to let them know and he always calls the day of the missed event to show he hasn't just forgotten.

tankh21's picture

She never said she wanted to meet me she wanted DH to meet up with her and leave me out. I was just asking a general question on my blog.

moving_on_again's picture

I don't know how many events we went to that the skids didn't show up to. BM would never tell us. We'd usually just chat with other parents and watch the other kids.

I know this is petty, but one time SS was with us and his game was over an hour away. He got sick, we had plenty of time to tell her, but why bother. She never once told us.