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Man, oh man, do I need a break!

SubstituteMommy's picture

The BM hasn't shown up to any of her scheduled visits since October. For those of you who are unaware of my situation, SD10 lives with us full-time and her BM lives in another state. Unfortunately, my SO has had full physical custody of her since she was a baby. I have been in the picture since she was four years old. I used to think, "She will see that we are consistently here for her, and she will grow up appreciating that." Fact is, I couldn't be more wrong. The older she gets, the more she acts like her BM and the less grateful she is. It's insane because she sees her BM less and less as time goes on, so why does she act more and more like her? It's nature versus nurture, and nature is winning by a long shot. I know that many people believe that you can mold and influence a child to be a certain way, but unless you have a child like SD in your life, you will never understand how wrong you are. Her own BM does nothing but complain about her (on the rare occasion that she actually has her), yet here I am, having to live with a child who is completely unlikable and harder to be around with each passing day. Thankfully, my SO has opened his eyes to exactly what we are dealing with. I read some of my old blogs this morning, and he has come a very, very long way! He still has moments of denial and stupid optimism, but he really understands who his daughter is, and it has improved our relationship exponentially. I have learned that being on the same page as your partner, and feeling like a team, is the only way that a relationship can thrive and survive.

The BM is supposed to take SD this Friday for one week. Will she reach out? Will she show up? I have no idea. All I know is that I really need a break. I really, really, really need my week off. My anxiety and stress levels are extremely high and I honestly don't know how much more I can take when it comes to this child. I am mentally and emotionally exhausted.

Comments

Ispofacto's picture

I used to blame Satan for Killjoy's problems, but I've come to realize half the problem is DH.  Killjoy is spoilt AF.  She has never really had any accountability, she is completely lacking in gratitude, and has never had any kind of moral guidance.

 

SubstituteMommy's picture

I fully blame my SO for enabling her when she was younger and for not being a more strict and structured parent. He sees how I have raised my kids and how they act in comparison to his daughter, and he regrets the way that he handled things during the younger years. He has since worked on that, much to SD's dismay. Unfortunately, it's too little, too late, as her DNA from her BM is in full activation and only getting worse.

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

I think nature and a child's desire to have a relationship with an uninvolved parent weigh heavily in terms of influencing a child.

SO raised OSD most of her life. She had inconsistent contact with BM. That being said, she is now BMs mini me. She also had minimal interactions with BMs dysfunctional family. 

But yet here we are, it's like one day OSD woke up and all the bad genes magically activated. She could care less that she has lost relationships with all her friends and most of her family because of her behavior and attitude. 

Most teens care about what their peers think. Not OSD, as she often quotes on her snap chat ," These B$tches, need to stop disrespecting me." 

 

SubstituteMommy's picture

It's nice to hear that someone else knows what I'm talking about from firsthand experience! Thank you for sharing.

SD is 100% becoming her BM's Mini, plus there's a lot of her maternal grandmother in there as well, which is absolutely horrible. I feel the same way as you. It was as if she woke up a little over a year ago and the tainted DNA was there in full force. Nothing in her life or situation changed. I have just come to the conclusion that she's growing up and becoming who she is going to be.

MissK03's picture

My SS17 is a perfect example of nature vs. nurture. SO and BM have been separated 10 years now. From what I'm told she did more in the beginning but it just dwindled and dwindled. 
 

She took them EOWE for years and then stopped taking them 3 years ago. She rarely sees skids now. Example she's hasn't seen them since Christmas. Granted the y are teens now but, there was been very little effort since she stopped. 
 

SS17 is nothing like my SO he is his BM. SO knows this. Even though he has been the constant in his life it didn't do a damn thing. Genetics took over. 
 

All you can really do is disengage from her. Let DH handle her. That's what I did. It helped. Even though I have slip ups now and then... I don't get involved with the drama. 

 

SubstituteMommy's picture

Another one who gets it! Thank you for sharing!

I feel for you because I know what it's like to be around more than the BM is, and it really sucks. Hopefully, you're not as bitter as I am sometimes.

I have disengaged a lot over the last year. I also stopped hoping that she will eventually grow out of it because all that resulted in was sheer disappointment. Once I accepted that she is growing up to be who she is going to be, and that in the long run, it won't be my problem, my stress levels dropped and it's been much easier to cope with her being here every day.

I still really need my break though. Sigh.

MissK03's picture

Oh bitter isn't even close to how I feel about BM. Read some of my blogs haha. 
 

SO and I are finally starting to do stuff just the two of us. We hadn't had an overnight away from skids in 2 1/2 years and this past November we went away for a few days. It was ok but, first 24 hours I got a frantic FaceTime from SD about the boys fighting over f'n chic fill-a sauce. SO got up and left me where we were eating lunch. I finished eating and went to find him. Pissed me off. Anyways, we are doing an overnight away in three weeks just for the night but, we need to do these a few times a year. That's what I told him. His brother stays with them while we aren't home so it's not really a big deal for us to go away for a night. Just like you... i need a break! Lol 

SubstituteMommy's picture

I am happy that you're getting away! It's so important. I miss my kids when we do that, but I always enjoy time away from SD. Have fun on your trip in three weeks!

Jcksjj's picture

Nature can definitely win out at times. I think it usually does, but it's less obvious in bio families because if you are a good parent you probably passed on good genes too. It's really luck of the draw though because no one is perfect or has a perfect family.

 

SubstituteMommy's picture

You're right. I agree! Seeing what SD is turning into makes me so very thankful that I had my kids with a decent human being.

JRI's picture

Not only does nature win out, but family patterns from the past keep repeating.  Our volatile, dramatic BM raised SDnow59 til the teen years when they butted heads and Daddy rode to the rescue and let SD move in for the first time.  Her relationship with BM was thick as thieves, then a big blowup with accusations everywhere, then reconciliation.  Lather, rinse, repeat, month after month.  She moved back with BM, then another blowup and back here.   Flash forward decades and I see SD repeating the same dynamic with her daughters.  I think its probably a generations-long family pattern.  Ive talked to the granddaughters about it, just as a family observer.  Sigh....

SubstituteMommy's picture

This! Thank you for sharing! It's nice to know that so many others know what it's like.