Please be witness to my epiphany!
I am just thinking out loud. This seemed like a good place to do it, as I figured that some of you may have done what I am beginning to process, successfully and with far-reaching results that may have impacted your blended family in positive ways.
I have a seed of anger, of resentment, of rage in my mind and heart. It is a seed that BM planted when she began her campaign of hatred toward me. When I met DH, my heart opened like a flower. I was filled with love, optimism, light, in a way that I had never been before.
When BM began hating me (she and I had known each other before DH and I got involved- and yes, they and my ex and I were all in the middle of divorce procedings when he and I finally did discuss our feelings for each other), she changed her reality. She actually created a new reality for herself, in which they were not actually getting divorced....I became the evil "other woman" who broke up their marriage (though of course there is plenty of evidence, e-mail, voicemails from both of them that talk about "after the divorce", .....meetings with lawyers, etc.....
I had to grow up really fast. I had never ever been involved in drama in my life. So began the onslaught of PAS with their boys, vilifying DH to friends and family, gossip and lies about me, court and court and court that always seemed to get put off....threats and threats and threats. I tried to initiate civil e-mails to her, which always got hideous vile responses. Fear and fear and fear on the boys' parts- fear of me, their dad, the new house, etc..Threats about my work, just awfulness. You name it, she did it. NPD is almost a certainty. And the more I read, the more convinced that some women seem predisposed to that and BPD as well when they divorce.
Anyway, after a horrible weekend of fighting with DH, I had coffee with a friend who led me to see that only I can change this. I have allowed this woman inside. She didn't change who I was or who I have become- I allowed these changes to take place. Only I can change them back. I have the choice, to either continue to let myself wallow and fester in the poison, or to put it on a shelf and get the f- on with my life. I have become obsessed with this awful woman- trying to guess what nonsense she'll pull next, what the next tidbit from the boys' mouths will be, etc....etc.....
I need to be done. And I really need to formulate a way to get there. I have already made an appointment to speak with a therapist but I do think there is plenty I can do to start with myself and my own patterns.
Have any of you emerged from such a self-destructive path, a path that for years was kept smoldering by the behaviors of a particularly awful BM? Please share your success story, if you have or if you're working on it...thanks for reading.
MJL
I'm at the beginning like
I'm at the beginning like you. I am so hopeful. I want to let go of all the things that get to me so deeply. Good luck!
Oh, good luck to you, too,
Oh, good luck to you, too, Always! Thank you!
**crickets chirping** If you
**crickets chirping**
If you read StepAside's analysis you'll find out that getting involved with a man with a previously enjoyed family is pretty much happiness suicide. No, it doesn't HAVE to be this way, BUT the level of insecure, immature, vindictive BMs is on the rise from all accounts.
Of course we'll have a few SMINOs on this site chime in with all the answers, sprinkling rainbows and glitter; Profile: young BMs with children in grade school; full custody of said bios and a "yes man" 2nd husband who does everything she demands so as to get the much sought after "BM Stamp of Approval" (TM) on his forehead. Their ex-husband better not DARE to move on if he knows what's good for him.
IF 2nd hubby has children and an ex, this approval comes with the condition that 2nd hubby has little to nothing to do with his own children or they are grown and gone out of the household and thusly ZERO contact with the ex.
Thus the rainbows and glitter.
You too can have a happy step life if you follow these rules:
1. Have a totally supportive DH (goes along with everything you say and allows you to call the shots)
2. Have never had more than a glimpse of your 2nd hubby's children; never hear from them on the phone or in any other correspondence
3. Have never ever heard from your 2nd hubby's ex
Just out of curiosity, what's
Just out of curiosity, what's a "smino?" I've seen you refer to them in posts before and I thought I'd eventually figure it out, but hasn't happened yet. Honestly, the work makes me wish I had a pole . . . and a liscence.
"Step mother in name only"
"Step mother in name only"
Ah . . . me. Too bad, though.
Ah . . . me.
Too bad, though. I really don't have any advice to offer and think OP's situation stinks.
You cannot hold poison in
You cannot hold poison in your mouth without poisoning yourself.
By emailing her and "Trying to be civil", you might be genuinely trying to get along witht his woman, but you are still giving her words to work with, so she can conjure up some more BS and other ways to terrorize you!
Realize that you need to be happy, and she shouldn't affect you in any way.
It's your life with your husband now. Not her's. You're letting her think its still hers, and she can still be involved because you include her-and wast time thinking about her and what she'll do next!
WHO GIVES A F. Let her do whatever, and sit there with the satisfaction of knowing she will only be hurting herself when she acts crazy.
Check out my blog entry on advice on how to deal with crazy bm's.
It works for me.
I know all about that seed of
I know all about that seed of anger and resentment. BM planted one in my heart too.
I have been with DH for almost 17 years. We met when his divorce was final and SS was only 2. We have endured:
- weekend parenting and missing some of SS's milestone
- years of conflict and parental alienation
- a nasty custody battle
- full physical custody
- counselling and therapy
- SS completely turning his back on DH to appease BM
- SS returning to DH to apologize
- rebuilding the bonds
For the most part we have a happy marriage. But we still struggle. In fact, just recently we had an argument and were trying to figure out where we went wrong. DH noted that we used to make such a great team. I added that without BM, we don't seem to have a common enemy to team up against anymore.
I celebrated the day that SS turned 18 and we no longer had to deal with BM (http://www.steptalk.org/node/30152). It took a while, but I finally learned to let go of the hate that I harbored. And now, I hardly give her another thought.
A therapist can certainly help you sort out your feelings. My advice would be not to let SM-hood consume you. You are a person with a life of your own that should not be dictated by visitation, extracurricular activities or court dates. Find the little things in life that make you happy and focus on them. And definitely find time to focus on your marriage as well. It sucks to spend 17 years with someone to find out that oops - when did we grow apart? Oh, maybe we didn't even notice because we were too busy being consumed with hate and resentment for BM.
CC and Just Another SM, thank
CC and Just Another SM, thank you. CC- I love your quote about holding poison in your mouth. It makes so much sense. Just Another, thank you, thank you- I read your celebratory post (congratulations!!!
I did make an appointment with a therapist and I'm really looking forward to it. I've done some good work on my own this week but I do think it would help to speak with a professional as well.
I am really happy for you and have that light at the end of the tunnel. I hope that you and DH are having some fun and rediscovering each other- I have voiced that thought to DH before- whatever will we talk about when this is all over? And you are absolutely right. I don't WANT to give this beast any more space in my mind.....
Thank you all....