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FYI: If you don’t like your step-kid, you’re not normal!

SubstituteMommy's picture

SD9 has been gone for four and a half weeks. It's been AMAZING! The longest break that I've ever had was two weeks. My SO is the custodial parent and BM lives in another state, so her visits are once every two to three months. SD was supposed to return on Monday, but her BM got COVID-19, so they are quarantining and she is coming back later than planned.

SD has only called three times since she left and each time, she sounds like she's being forced to call. Last night, I had a missed call from the grandmother's phone. I called back and SD was like, "I didn't call you guys." My SO said, "You're probably like, I don't want to talk to you guys!" She laughed and then there was a moment of silence before she said, "That... would... be... mean... to... say..." Which translates to, "Yes! True! I didn't say that though." LOL! We got off of the phone and I was like, "She sounds so happy with them. She doesn't sound like she wants to come back. She doesn't even sound like she misses us! Good for her! I'm glad." I really am happy about it because for one, I feel the same way about her being gone. For two, she used to call every day on her visits and try to sound as miserable as possible. She'd put on a big show on the phone, only to have her BM or grandmother tell us that she was having a great time.

My SO did his best to convince himself that she does want to come back. Since she turned nine, she is always in trouble here. She walks around like she can do whatever she wants. She is dishonest, manipulative, disobedient, and sneaky on a regular basis. She's rude unless she wants something from you, in which case you get the fake little angel that other people usually see. I KNOW she's happier over there because she is treated like the center of the universe AND she has zero rules. I have been BLISSFULLY HAPPY since she's been with her BM and my SO has been in mourning. If you read my other posts, their relationship is very one-sided. SD acts like her father is annoying, dispensable, and unimportant. She has even told me and my kids that she'd rather live with her grandmother than her father if we were to split up.

Anyway, he said that he wants to make it more appealing for her to be here when she comes back. He said that if she starts her lying, sneaky crap right away, we need to "not be down her throat about it." I was like, "Seriously?! So we let her misbehave so that she WANTS to be HERE instead of THERE?! Hard pass, buddy." My kids are expected to follow the rules and behave, so you damn well better believe that she has to do the same. I don't care if that makes her want to be with her BM. He said, "You know that it's not normal for people to not like their step-kids, right? You know that you're NOT NORMAL!"

LOL! He's clueless. It's easy for him to like MY KIDS because they are LIKEABLE. I thought it was hilarious though because there are A LOT of us who don't like our step-kids. Not only here, but on other websites, at my work, etc. He's delusional and misinformed.


strugglingSM's picture

I have a lot of friends who are parents and they will tell me that they love their kids, but oftentimes, they don't like really, I think it's not normal for someone to blindly like their kids all the time. Many kids have to be taught how to be likeable and in the absence of that, many remain unlikeable, forever. Where does your SO think unlikeable adults come from? They were once unlikeable children. 

SubstituteMommy's picture

I think it's not normal for someone to blindly like their kids all the time.

Me, too... but his blinders are always on when it comes to SD. He might take them off from time to time, but those moments are rare and very short lived.

Cover1W's picture

I know that DH doesn't give YSD chores or ask her to do anything and doesn't call her out on her behaviors is because he wants to make it like living here is "so fun" and "not stressful." Yeah buddy, right.

SubstituteMommy's picture

It's repulsive behavior. My SO complains about being overweight, but I wish he'd understand that nothing about him turns me off EXCEPT for how pathetic he is with his daughter. THAT is unattractive.

lieutenant_dad's picture

"No, SO, it's NOT NORMAL for a kid to not be likable, and that is entirely your fault."

simifan's picture

I wholeheartedly agree. You should inform DH it is his job as a parent to make his child likeable. His failing, not yours. 

SubstituteMommy's picture

Oh, I agree. It is 100% his fault. Her DNA is tainted, but there is a lot that could have been done to ensure that she wouldn't be who she is RIGHT NOW at the early age of nine. He's an enabler.

ndc's picture

Seems to me that your SO throwing the rules out the window, allowing his kid to misbehave and basically grovelling to her so he'll be the favored parent will spell the beginning of the end of your relationship.  I wonder if he's smart enough to realize that.

SubstituteMommy's picture

He knows where I'm at. I have one foot out the door and I don't plan on dealing with this much longer. It's a tad more tolerable right now because she is nine, but I can't even imagine how bad it's going to get when she's a pre-teen or a teenager. The end of our relationship is inevitable as long as he has full custody. Period.

tog redux's picture

Just curious, why is SO the custodial parent?

Agree with ndc - if he's going to get rid of all rules so she "likes it" at your house, you are doomed.

SubstituteMommy's picture

My SO briefly dated the BM and she accidentally got pregnant. She didn't want it, but he convinced her to keep it. She stuck around for about a year before she moved away and left SD with my SO. The BM has another child who she is also the NCP to. She doesn't mind seeing her children sometimes, but having them full-time is too much for her desired lifestyle. Plus, she doesn't pay child support for either kid. She's far from Parent of the Year.

thiscantbenormal's picture

But he wanted to step up and be the parent right??  The parent...i will repeat..the P.A.R.E.N.T.  letting your kid run rough shod on you so they have a good time is not being a parent.  

SubstituteMommy's picture

I flat-out told him that he's not a good parent. The way that his daughter thinks it's okay to behave is more than enough proof of that. He's weak and enabling. She doesn't respect him or take him seriously. Being a doting dad doesn't mean that you're being a good one. He has so much to learn.

advice.only2's picture

I have no words, he legit just told you he is okay allowing his child to run feral so he can be the "cool" parent. Start having him watch 16 and pregnant, and teen mom so he can prep for what being the "cool" parent will entail.

SubstituteMommy's picture

He has also told me that if SD ever goes to live with her BM and doesn't want to visit us, he will "plan cool Disneyland trips" and other things like that to make her want to come over. Umm... no.

Jcksjj's picture

Uh, liking everyone you come in contact with isnt normal. Why would stepkids be exempt from that? They're just people same as non skids...

SubstituteMommy's picture

I feel like he lives in a fantasy world. He is stupidly optimistic and completely unrealistic.

Iamwoman's picture

Typical gaslighting move: try to make you doubt your self and your own feelings because you aren't kowtowing to his agenda.

What is "not normal" is for a husband to claim he lives his wife, but then care nothing for her feelings. That is what is not normal here.

SubstituteMommy's picture

That's funny because I told him that he's a gaslighter just the other day! He does that to me all the time.

CLove's picture

Allowing child to do what they want when its all negative is not doing child any favors, its just turing her into an insufferable brat no one wants to be around.

SubstituteMommy's picture

Oh, but he ALWAYS wants to be around her, so it doesn't matter how insufferable she is. He'd probably be happy if nobody else wanted her around so that he could love her all to himself. GAG!

Thumper's picture

Bonus kids

I will leave THAT right there.


SubstituteMommy's picture


ldvilen's picture

On sure. . .  it's not normal to not like your step-kids.  Heck!  That is why the divorce rate for 2nd families (usually with one or both being steps) is around about 70%--because everyone just loves their SKs and all get along.  FYI, and I'm not blaming SKs by any means.  However, it does show you that everything with the typical blended family is not love, like, love.  I'd say the typical blended family has its ups and downs, and mostly downs, because that is where the 70% comes in.  No one in Vegas would put money on those odds.

SubstituteMommy's picture

That's why I regret ever getting involved with someone with a kid. I should have stayed single until my kids are adults and then found myself a nice, emotionally stable man who has no kids OR normal adult kids that have launched. Sounds like a dream!

Gimlet's picture

Winterglow, what was your comment?  "Is that your own brain or are you breaking it in for an idiot?" 

Because I think that fits here.

Doublehelix's picture

I can't even compose my thoughts bc his comment is too outrageous. It's not normal to like ANYBODY if they don't have a likeable personality.

I kinda wonder if SD will start preferring to stay with her mother in the future too. While I complain my SO is lax, it's more that he's not consistent vs he thinks her behavior is ok...we get the impression that mom definitely caters to SD more and makes her do less educational stuff.

SubstituteMommy's picture

I know that SD will prefer to stay with her BM, eventually. She has already said that she wants to live with her grandmother and her half-brother because she "doesn't like our rules." She is a replica of her grandmother (personality, attitude, habits) and she prefers her over the BM. I'm curious to see how it all plays out someday.

shamds's picture

Normal to like skids and to let her misbehave and i suck it up, i’d tell him he was an effin idiot!! The fact he told you to suck it up the shitty behaviour is him telling you he has no respect for you!! He has told you to eat shit, swim in shit and live in shit for the rest of your relationship and marriage with him!!!

SubstituteMommy's picture

Yes. That's how I took it as well. There was a pretty big fight that night. He knows that we are on thin ice. He says that he's going to work on himself and handle her differently when she gets back. Do I believe him? Not even a little bit. I know that it's going to come to us splitting up.

TheAccidentalSM's picture

This was at the point that they were going from small kids to teens and became idiots: "You do realise, I'm not your parent and don't have a biological reason to love you?  I'm like your teacher or any other adult.  If you want me to like you, you have to be likeable".  Since DH didn't undermine me, it mostly worked.  They needed to understand that I'm Dad's wife not a bonus mom.

SubstituteMommy's picture

That's good! That's completely true. There is a lot of pressure on me to be "bonus mom" because of the fact that she only sees her BM a few weeks out of the year. I am the only mother figure that teachers and other parents at school have known. I have heard "your daughter" so many times, and I hate it. I've had to insist that I'm "just" her dad's wife, or she's "just" my SO's daughter. You're very lucky that your DH didnt undermine you. Mine does it regularly when it comes to SD.

Scorpiomum1111's picture

I feel you. When I first met my SD she was nice and then over time she became more and more like her mother and SO allowed it. She is 16 now and I can not stand her. I try and be nice when she is here because that is my SO child but  I do not go out of my way for her and I make that clear to my husband. If you do not like it then divorce me. For 7 years I have tried to be the best role model I coudl for her, but the then she stole over 1000 of dollars from me in personal items and money that I lost all respect for her. I had to write my name on my clothes and put a key lock on my bedroom door. Like really. She is a narcisist, lazy, bougie and super fake like her mother. Like whom the F*** gets a spray tan in the summer when you have no reason for one. Your not in a wedding nor going to a big event. Her nails are always done and she keeps coloring her hair when she is suppose to be saving up for a car. Hang in there. Not sure how old your sk is but eventally they will be grown.

SubstituteMommy's picture

It's crazy how they evolve into miniature versions of the awful females that they share DNA with. I always thought that SD would never be like her BM or grandmother because she's around me more, but I couldn't be more wrong! I'm sorry that your SD has put you through what you've been through with her. That's terrible! If you plan on staying with your DH, you're lucky that you only have two years left. Over eight more years for me feels like a lifetime, especially because my SO has full physical custody. I won't be able to do it.

Sweetbug10's picture

Your SD's behavior is my SS 100% and he is 9.5. SO rude and manipulative it isnt even funny. Lies all the time - even though we have cameras becasue when he was 5.5 he wanted to climb in between furniture that has to be bolted to the wall and since then we have had them to make sure he doesnt kill himself. He will even lie when we are LOOKING at him live on the camera!!! Even with this his father will act like he is a great kid and will place the blame for all of his behavior on his ADHD. Sorry try again I worked with these individuals for many years and I never met a more disrespectful kid in my life!!! He never feels bad, never has remorse and he only gets upset when you take his things away or he cant do the things he planned on doing. Today was a trip with him and his anger wanting to act like he is going to snap a pencil in half and pumping his fists and breathing all hard and heavy like he is trying to control from hitting someone. 9.5!!!!! and has the anger of a grown person who has lived life. Keep telling his idiot father to get him checked for bipolar disorder and other mental issues as they run on BOTH sides and nothing. This kid will sit in front of you an scratch at himself and poke himself bc he is angry you asked him to do something. COuld you imagine not getting this behavior looked at and what it will be like in 5years?

I am jealous yours gets to leave! He has no mother as she left - ran away - I should ahve seen the RED FLAG there and done th same. She didnt want to be with either of them. But i digress. Keep doing you. If she cant deal thats her problem. These little sh*ts hate rules and think they should just be able to do what they want when they want bc their lives have been messed up by the other adults around them. You try to show consistency, discipline and rules which are needed to make it in this life.

All the best with this I hope things improve for you!




SubstituteMommy's picture

Thank you for sharing! My favorite thing on here is being able to meet people who GET IT. I'm so sorry that your SS doesn't have any visitation with his BM. I complain that my breaks are few and far between, but you don't get any breaks, so it's just another reminder that I should just be thankful for what I do get. I hope that things improve for you, too! I appreciate that!