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FH now has SD3 in his care and she is singing like a bird (full blog)

stuckinthebay's picture

It was truly bitter sweet for FH. He flew to another state to pick up SD3 for her 6month visitation with him. Prior to that things were getting all crazy with FH and BM. Catching her is little lies and then BM didn't hang up the phone and FH heard BMs MIL talking shit.

Anyways, FH, BM and BMH all meet at FH hotel for the drop off. They were super late (of course). SD3 was so happy to see FH that she cried . She wasted no time trying to go upstairs to their room. FH spoke to BM about Skype time because of the major time difference and SD3 said "me no want to Skype with mommy". They said goodbye and FH and SD3 went in their room. By this time FH had ordered food to eat and SD3 says "me not allowed to eat ribs. Mommy said its not good for you" she also just started chatting away about her moms house. SD3 said her name is the same last name as her mom and stepdad. When FH corrected her, SD3 had this genuine look of confusion. SD3 said "my last name is (BMs and BMHs last name). My mommy said he's my first daddy and we're a family and you're my second daddy" as in FH is her second daddy. Then FH corrected her again. SD3 said "daddy are you upset? Are your frustrated?" FH asked "do you know what frustrated means?" SD3 said "it means when you're man or upset and you go and stomp your feet". SD3 said when she goes to the store with her mommy, she cries and her mommy buys her everything. She even went down a list of things she has like a giant doll house and said "I have a horsie that moves like a car with a remote but it's not a car"

Ok I have to point out that this is coming for a 3 year old and BM doesn't thinks that they need to explain to her her who her daddy is because she won't understand. And get this, BM is pregnant. FH only knows that because SD3 told him prior to him picking her up. Then BM felt the need to explain to him that she found out she was pregnant that same day SD3 told FH on the phone. Umm we don't care! That's none of our business. BM can actually explain the difference now since she's pregant but I don't think they will.

Then it's breakfast time. FH ordered pancakes, scrambled eggs and hash browns. When he tried to feed SD3 the eggs, she didn't want to eat it. SD3 said "mommy said the yellow stuff is bad. I can only have little little syrup" FH told her she can eat it and it's ok then SD3 looked like she was about to cry. SD3 asked "am I going to go in time out?" And FH told her no. FH got the idea that they use time out for everything and because SD3 asked for ice cream after dinner, they are still using ice cream as a treat in order for SD3 to eat her food. BM told FH that they do that because she doesn't eat well. Maybe it's because you can't cook BM.

BM must be putting SD3 on a "heathy conscious diet" again like she tried to do when SD3 was a baby. I don't think a child needs to be on a strict diet. FH was confused because if BM is restricting SD3 from foods, why is BM bigger than before?

FH is just feeling like he doesn't know his daughter. I told him she's been gone for 7 months. She's grown a lot and in good ways too. It's going to be difficult taking in her info since it's literally only been 2 days since SD3 has been in his care. He also considered her diet may be the reason why she's skinny. Before she left she had a belly. I let him know that sometimes kids grow out of that and stretch out. I just don't want him jumping to conclusions. It'll just stress him more about the well being of his daughter while she's with her mom. Let's see how things go.

If also expressed to FH that there should be no reason why he and BM can't talk to each other and agree to do things the same way if they are going to raise her. To try and keep some things consistent. But BM basically told him he has no say what goes on in her household. That is true, but if they are trying to raise a decent child together, why can't they Agee or talk? Wishful thinking I guess.

Comments

misSTEP's picture

Although it would be great for parents to be consistent even in different households, the reality is there are going to be two sets of rules because there are two households.

twoviewpoints's picture

"If also expressed to FH that there should be no reason why he and BM can't talk to each other and agree to do things the same way if they are going to raise her. To try and keep some things consistent. But BM basically told him he has no say what goes on in her household. That is true, but if they are trying to raise a decent child together, why can't they Agee or talk? "

While consistency and mutually agreeing sounds good, I won't work. Look at the differences already. DH is worried about the diet BM has his daughter on. DH doesn't approve of the ice cream after dinner. SO how would they talk this out and both homes be consistent? They can't. Which one is wrong and which one should change their way to match the other parent's way?

A child living with one parent for six months and then being totally uprooted and sent to the other parent for the next six months is a tremendous upheaval for a child this age. Mommy has spent six months telling her daughter what/how to eat. First dinner and breakfast back at Dad's. the kid is all but in tears (and afraid of time outs) because Dad is telling her she can eat this or that and 'no', she'll not be in trouble. Yet the child is afraid of disobeying everything her BM taught her or practices as the norm with her six months long. Kid's at an age where she is learning and taught how to behave, how to eat her meals, how to dress blah blah blah. At this age the kid takes what her Mommy is teaching her as 'right' and she's being a good student and child. She wants to please her mother as all children living fulltime with a set of parents wants to do. Now here's Dad telling her no time outs for forgetting and ignoring everything Mommy taught you

This kid now has to learn al over again what life with Daddy is like and what's ok and not ok at his house. AT Daddy's she can have syrup, she can eat all parts of the egg, she can eat ribs because Daddy says it's all ok. So how would you even go about talking to BM for a joint households mutual agreement and consistency? That would require one of them (either Dad or Mom) agreeing that person has been all wrong and now we'll do it the other person's way. Isn't going to work. As th child has just spent six months with Mom, Dad is going to have patience and reteach just as BM will have to have patience and reteach when SD goes back after six months with Dad. The little girl will have to learn to adjust two different ways of living 1/2 her year and her parent's are going to have to be tolerant while she relearns.

Sucks. But reality.

moeilijk's picture

This. I don't always agree with you (or anyone, lol) but I love how you can see all sides and explain it in a nutshell!