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My lovely in-laws

strugglingSM's picture

I’ve posted about how terrible my in-laws are before, but just had to share again.

Last week, after asking DH to do this several times, I emailed BIL about what his child might like for Christmas...radio silence.

This week, BM sends out SSs’ basketball schedule and BIL replies thanking her profusely and wishing her a Merry Christmas.

How much longer before I totally just let these people have it. So done with this BS. Even before this email exchange I had a big blow up with DH about how his family is so unfriendly and unwelcoming that I dread spending holidays with them.

Comments

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

Looks like BIL is serving the devil... Time to sacrifice him to the gods...

My in-laws get weirdly sympathetic to BM some days too... It gets uncomfortable... I limit contact with MIL most days... I mentioned to my DH how isolating it feels sometimes. Sorry you're dealing with that. Sad

strugglingSM's picture

Thanks! It does feel really isolating, like I’m the kid that no one will sit with at lunch.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

Exactly! Or when MIL will start spouting crap and it suddenly feels a bit like you somehow missed part of your own life??? (idk if that's even a good way to phrase it. lol)

strugglingSM's picture

Oh yes, DH’s whole family loves to act as if his life before superseded whatever he has now.

Almost makes me think that either someone’s entire extended family should have to attend a dealing with divorce class or that anyone who has children should have to stay unhappily married because their family won’t let them move on if they get divorced and it’s unfair to drag another unsuspecting adult into the tangled web of family shame and unspoken anger.

hereiam's picture

My in-laws are wishy washy regarding their feelings about me (and I've known them longer than I've known DH), so I mostly avoid them. I haven't spent a holiday with them in many, many years. DH doesn't mind, he doesn't like being around them much, either. His favorite saying is, "I love my family from afar."

This does not include his parents, who are deceased.

This year, we are not going to my family's, either. It's going to be just the two of us, at home, doing whatever the hell we want. Lots of food and drink and no stress!

strugglingSM's picture

My DH periodically says to me, “I love my brother, but...” Something went down during the divorce that either DH is not aware of or DH won’t tell me, but his brother has also been a bit of a shit to him since then, too. I think BIL is a creep and sounds like he was a bully in high school, but have tried to be friendly.

strugglingSM's picture

My family lives 2500 miles away. I didn’t see them for Christmas last year, but DH has his kids every Christmas Day (so BM can have them every Christmas Eve and Christmas morning) and it would be major drama if he decided to see my family for Christmas, so I decided I would spend Christmas with my husband instead of going home to my family. Next year - and perhaps all future Christmases - I will go home alone and DH can deal with his family.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

That's how far my family is too... This time of the year gets me a bit homesick... Hugs!

notsobad's picture

Can DH not see how they leave you out?

My inlaws and SIL are wonderful. They love me and have nothing to do with BM.
However, SIL just isn't my people.
I don't really know how to explain it. She never really listens to me, she talks over me, she will direct everything to DH or the skids.

We've been talking about travel and I'll start a story. She'll turn to DH and start a side conversation with him, in a group of 4-6 people around a table!
Or, I'll be actively talking directly to her and she'll look over my shoulder and start talking to the person behind me! It's undermining and annoying.

The thing is I've watched her and it's not just me.
She picks her favourite person in the group, sometimes DH, sometimes her bf, sometimes one of her kids and she listens to them or encourages them to tell a story and ignores everyone else.

DH and I talked about it and he claimed that he'd never seen her do it.
Last month we were at their place when she did it.
I made direct eye contact with DH and raised my eyebrows, over and over again throughout the evening.

He gets it now. Not sure what we'll do about it but at least he sees it!

strugglingSM's picture

DH can and he thinks they are being shitty, but he has a tendency to make excuses for it or tell me I just need to be positive instead of letting it bother me.

notsobad's picture

Arrrrggg
How I hate that response!

As I said, I don't know what we'll do but I told DH that if it continues I just won't speak to SI! Or say much around her. I'll talk to DH or her bf or the skids. I did tell him that it might come down to me not going to visit just them.

There are certain people she won't do it in front of, like some of the cousins.
On cousin once put her hand up and said I'm listening to notsobad, when SIL tried to start a side conversation. So other people do see it.

strugglingSM's picture

I’m assuming other people have noticed, but DH’s family is culturally passive aggressive and conflict avoidant, so they all pretend everything is wonderful.

My mom thought I was just being mean to DH’s family by saying they were unfriendly and judgmental. Then my parents came out to visit and BIL & SIL “couldn’t make it” to the barbecue we had. Since then, my mom hasn’t said a thing or tried to convince me to be more gracious.

pixielady's picture

Can you just not buy the child anything? It's not your responsibility, really. As for the way they treat you, I would feign illness and watch Christmas movies with brandy and cookies at home alone rather than spend time with those sorts of people. And please FaceTime with your family the way you had originally planned. Don't let your MIL commandeer your Christmas morning. UGH. It's quite clear with this family that you're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't. SO DON'T! Will they like you less if you don't show up? It seems they've made up their minds about you. No matter how kind, wonderful, how happy you make you're DH, you're the symbol of the fact that SSs will have a broken home forever. That's just the SM challenge. It's not your fault, but they need to blame someone, and why would they blame DH or GUBM?

strugglingSM's picture

They also blame DH.

I may feign illness on Christmas because I don’t want to go.

pixielady's picture

I would have a FaceTime Christmas with your family and FaceTime with them several times that day to "join in" on what they're doing. Have them pass the phone around, etc. Might be the next best thing to being there.

strugglingSM's picture

Oh and DH went out and bought something for her. He actually spent about $70 and I told him he had to return some of the things. The child barely knows who he is and has no idea who I am, I’m not spending $70 on her for Christmas.

DaniAM73's picture

Doesn't that just make you angry? Last year DH and I went to visit in-laws for Christmas. BM sent a rather small bouquet of flowers. MIL ranted and raved how BM knew she loved flowers.

I happen to get a good look at them, and said, "can I tell you something about the flowers?" She asked in a panic, "are they ok?" My reply......"part of them are fake." I laughed so hard. Yes petty I know, but I could not resist.

So I know where you are coming from.

dysfunctionally_blended's picture

I will offer my own situation and how SO and I handle it.....

I am in the same position as your DH. For absolutely no reason my family has rejected SO and his children. I personally think they feel that by me entering into a blended situation I have opened myself up to needless stress. (they have never given me an explanation so I am assuming here). While I see that they are TRYING to be protective of me they have ultimately alienated us.

With that said, I have tried to have countless conversations with my family to explain that their perception of our situation is skewed and although I appreciate their feelings greatly I am an adult and able to make decisions and learn from those if necessary. They refuse to hear any of it....
We have invited them to all family functions, have always been inclusive and have tried for years to change their POV but they refuse to participate.

Fast forward to today. I will not withhold my bio's from their family. But that does not mean that my family's inability to be inclusive of everyone has to affect SO and his kids. So my bio's visit with them at times when SO's kids are with the other parent. SO is NOT expected to attend (why would he) and he has never tried to ask me NOT to go alone.

BUT, SO's family is the exact opposite. They INCLUDE anyone and everyone in everything LOL. There is no favorites, no difference in 'real' grandkids then 'step' grandkids and we are all welcome. So we spend all of our holidays with them. (why wouldn't we, right!).

It has taken us a long time to get to this point - but both SO and I realize that we cannot change people, only how we react to people and the situations they create.

Maybe you can sit down with DH and have this talk, That your family unit (You, DH and kids) need to make decisions based on what works for YOU. Not to appease his family (who wants to divide you). Spend the holidays where EVERYONE feels comfortable. And if he wants to visit his family, let him! But that does not mean you have to go and it does not mean it has to interrupt YOUR family unit holiday time either.

strugglingSM's picture

Thank you for sharing this perspective.

I know that I put DH in a difficult spot when I get upset about his family, but I feel like they make it so much harder for me to be a stepmother.

My family is like your SO’s. When we bring SSs out, they all roll out the red carpet. My parents send cards for every holiday and presents on their birthdays and at Christmas.

My DH would never say anything to his family. His view is that family is important and you should just put up with bad behavior because it’s worse to lose your family. I take the exact opposite view - imo, you should be less accepting of bad behavior from your family because they are supposed to be the ones who care about you the most. I’ve told my mother some of the terrible things that my MIL has done and I’ve said to her, “if you did that, I would tell you it was unacceptable.” And she replies, “yes, you would..”

One of the things I can’t change - that I need to accept - is that DH has a different view of boundaries and acceptable treatment than I do. He knows that his family is being rude to both of us, but he doesn’t think it’s worth saying anything over because “it’s family”. I told him that I felt that by not saying anything about their behavior, he was tacitly agreeing that I deserved it, but he said he didn’t agree with that. Of course, sometimes he gets mad when he feels like I don’t “take his side” or “defend him” with other people, so maybe I should reopen this discussion the next time he tells me that he’s upset that I didn’t defend him.

dysfunctionally_blended's picture

It is hard not to get upset. Believe me, it took us YEARS to get the point we are at now. SO was very defensive of how my family treated him and his kids. And then I would get defensive of my family, because well they are my family no matter how terrible they act.

I actually sat down, in therapy, and decided that putting boundaries in place with my family, to save the sanctity of OUR FAMILY (SO and myself and our kids - not screaming LOL. Just trying to be clear) was what is best. I told them they are always welcome to my bio's however on the terms I set forth (at times it does not affect OUR FAMILY). And that I would participate as long as it did not affect OUR FAMILY. Meaning if they were having a holiday get together I would attend alone with my bio's IF it did not conflict with OUR FAMILY holiday and get together time.

At this point they chose to have their holiday at the same time as OUR FAMILY holiday - so we do not participate. I send my bio's over at a different time/day to celebrate with them. Of course I don't expect them to bend to what works for me alone but they chose this path at the same time.

I also do not expect SO to participate with me. Why should he feel uncomfortable and unwelcome. (I am sure you feel the same way).

It isn't easy to put your family in their place. When you think of family you think of unconditional support. It is usually expected. But sometimes that cannot be given - and just needs to be accepted.

Maybe you and DH should discuss how his family will not affect YOUR FAMILY. He is welcome to visit, his kids are welcome to visit. But you are not EXPECTED to participate if they continue the rude treatment. He can spend holiday time with them separately - but not at the SAME TIME as YOUR FAMILY spends the holiday.

(LOL hope that doesn't sound too all over the place. I just understand how hard it is to be on the receiving end like your DH. Like I said it took YEARS to get to the place I am at now.)