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BM has already vowed not to honor mediation

strugglingSM's picture

It hasn’t even been two weeks and BM has already sent DH a message - via Our Family Wizard - that she does not intend to honor their agreement.

The one thing DH got was to alternate Christmas. Previously, BM had every Christmas Eve and Christmas morning, which DH has been disgruntled about for years. DH offered to give BM more child support than he was owed and to reduce his time with BM’s enmeshed pet (overly dramatic SS).

DH even agreed to go to co-parenting counseling with her - if SS’s new counselor suggested it - something she refused to take out. DH is convinced that this will never happen, but I think BM will make it happen since she is always so eager to get DH to pay attention to her. 

Today, BM sent DH a message saying that she thought SSs would resent not seeing her family for Christmas 2020 and 2022, so she was going to bring it up with the counselor. 

This same thing happened last time - the only thing DH got was an agreement that BM only communicate with him in writing. Two weeks later, BM sent him multiple emails saying that she refused to comply.

Also, DH found out that BM contacted his brother months ago to get him to ask SS why he didn’t like coming to our house and his brother did talk to SS and kept this all from DH! This was when BM was trying to collect “evidence” to reduce SS’s time with DH and BIL willingly participated. I was livid at this one. I think BIL can’t be trusted. DH thinks I’m overreacting.



thinkthrice's picture

needs to wake up and smell the coffee.   But, as Chef did, he'll give them all the "benefit of the doubt" (TM), "take the high road" (TM), and "turn the other cheek" (TM) into oblivion.

Since the court systems for the most part fully back and encourage HCGUBM PASing activities, unless you have a bulldog attorney and unlimited funds, at the very least, skids will be PASed out before age 16 and in extreme cases, such as the Girhippo, younger than that.  You are fighting an upstream battle.   

Since DH is so passive with the BM 'n' clan, including,  as in Chef's case, his very own family,  beware that he does not become aggressive with you/use you as a scapegoat as you are the least line of resistance and most obvious target.  Trust me on this one.

strugglingSM's picture

I fear that DH and I are going that way. He has a tendency to be an ostrich when it comes to his family. He doesn’t want to feel hurt and doesn’t want to admit that they aren’t perfect, so he has a tendency to brush these things off and then act Iike I’m being unreasonable if they bother me. But seriously, how am I ever supposed to be in the same room with BIL without thinking about his conspiring with BM or making sure I don’t say anything in front of him that he might share with BM in a future conversation. 

tog redux's picture

This is why mediation is stupid. I get the concept, but reasonable people don't need it, and unreasonable people won't follow it.

thinkthrice's picture

Chef went the meditation route with the Gir.  Even the dumbass mediator saw it was totally lopsided in favour of the Gir.

strugglingSM's picture

There were several items during the current mediation where the mediator - a retired judge - told DH that it was pretty clear he was in the right, but BM and her lawyer refused to budge, so no agreement was reached. 

DH would have been better off to just let BM follow through with her threats of court.

tog redux's picture

Exactly.  High conflict people just want to control the mediation process like they do everything else.

Maybe it helps for two reasonable people who BOTH want to stay out of court and just have minor issues to settle. But for someone like your BM, it's just another venue for getting sympathy from others, and attention from DH.


shamds's picture

Kids have to share time with their parents meaning yes they will lose out some special occasions and events. So boohoo skids don’t get to spend xmas in 2020 and 2022, are they not soending 2019, 2021 and more with mum? They haven’t spent years of xmas with their dad, thats not fair...

if bio mum wants to make executive decisions on everything, then she shouldn’t have had kids!!

alot of men with hcgubm who have been master manipulators, pas and narcissists turn and look the other way because they don’t want the drama, thats what got them in this mess of having several kids with an effin effed up person and to remain in said relationship past a decade. Turning the blind eye and saying its not worth the drama is why your kids are so effed up with major behavioural issues and why it will continue to sabotage any future relationships you stupidly enter into without addressing said issues

strugglingSM's picture

My respective families lived less than 5 miles apart, my parents are happily married, and we still alternated holidays. We would spend Thanksgiving one year with my dad’s family and then Christmas with my mom’s and we would alternate the next. It’s not abnormal for families to do this. DH’s family just has never done this, so everyone freaks out. MIL also expresses displeasure that DH’s cousin has the nerve to spend some holidays with his wife’s family. 

BM only cares about Christmas. She and DH’s family always celebrated together every year - on both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. One big happy family. 

The true irony is that no one in this group is religious at all, so for them Christmas is just a celebration of materialism and alcohol consumption. 

Harry's picture

So you have a record of what happing .   As when are kids coming on July 4 ?   BM has to answer, or not answer. Showing the courts what she did.  Do this on every visitation day, or days .   Once in weighting it’s there forever 

advice.only2's picture

Mediation is a joke and it never works! BIL is a douche and never should have talked to BM, it's not his fight nor his business!

Siemprematahari's picture

Amazing how selfish BM is. Its ok for the kids to be with her EVERY Christmas but to h@ll with them spending time with their father and his family. Where is the so called Christmas spirit in that? Clearly she only celebrates it for material reasons because its suppose to be a time of giving up ones very self and to think only of others. To bring happiness to others and celebrate the joy of life itself.

As for the BIL as tempting as it is to tell him something, you shouldn't bother. Just observe what goes on and stay out of it. Eventually things will blow up in their faces and you'll be there to witness it all with a smile Biggrin