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New here and need to vent!

Stressed_Out_Mama's picture

Hello. I just found this website and need to vent because none of my friends have a blended family like me. Sorry, if this is a long vent...
So I have a wonderful 10 yr old daugher (previous relationship), my 12 yr old stepdaughter and together, my hubby and I have a 5 yr old son.
My husband and I have been together for 7 years. My BD real dad has been out of the picture since she is 3 (barely before that.) My husband is basically the only dad she has known.
My SD has been with us every other weekend and vacations since she is 5. So she is not new in my life. However, we live in NY and her BM lives in NJ and we just recently got physical custody of her 5 months ago. So she lives with us full time.
This is where my issues are. We were always good, when we had her on the weekends and vacations (except hubby and I would fight more) but now that she lives with us, I feel like a raging lunatic. I don't know if it's the age, the living situation or we just hate each other, but it's not a happy home.
Here is the deal, BM and BM bf that SD was living with, are trying to recover from their drug addications, hence the reason we have my SD.
While we used to get her every other weekend, her BM's mom (SD Grandma) would get her the other weekends we didn't. The Grandmother would spoil her to no end and talk shit about me all the time. She turned her into a rude, disrespectful kid.
Now, in our house, she is not the only child, there are rules and I demand respect and manners. I feel like I have to undo all the wrong they have done. My SD barely says anything to me, rolls her eyes, is rude also to my mother who watches all my kids afterschool for me, and she mopes around the house. I fight with my husband all the time because she is so disrespectful. I just can't stand her. I know that's horrible.
I can go on and on but I just really needed to get my feelings out and need people who can relate. Thanks for reading.


ClutterMusings's picture

I'm new to the site too and I am already addicted. Such a helpful place and great to read and know we are not alone.

Have your read up on here about disengaging? I started not long ago and it is truly changing my life and bringing me sanity. It may sound harsh at first...but it's not.

I think you may be like me though. I have a BD with my H as well. I find it a little challenging disengaging with SD and BD in the same house.

Regardless, it's helping and I think you should read more about it and consider! It may give you a little peace.

misSTEP's picture

Your DH needs to set boundaries and fast. He is the one who is allowing her to get away with that attitude. It might have started with others. But it is in his lap now.

What do you fight about as far as SD? Do you say she is being disrespectful and he says some gem like, "She's just a kid." or something like that?

Maybe ask him if he'd have a problem with her treating a teacher like that because he is practically telling her that she doesn't have to respect adults.

TheWicked's picture

Ugh. It sucks that home is now a crappy place for you. And BM's mom is not doing anyone any favors. I totally understand your feelings toward SD. You are not alone in the struggle!

Stressed_Out_Mama's picture

Thank you all so much. DH feels like she has been through a lot between leaving her moms house, not seeing her Grandma as much, moving to new state and new school, etc. that I should have sympathy for her. I do feel compassion that she has been through a lot but she is in a great home with her brother and step sister, her dad and myself. Going to a great school and still making honors. It's been 5 months, I think the adjustment period is over.
I am not trying to be her friend, she will make friends. I'm trying to be the mother that she NEEDS. DH says I stress to much about every move she makes and every word she says and maybe that is true. I will look into the disengaging. I don't know what that is, I'll check that out.
It's hard when I set rules and standards for my Biological kids and she is not mine so it makes it harder. If my daughter were to roll her eyes at me or back talk me, she would be put in her place. She knows this. It's like I'm starting over with a toddler. She has no manners and my pet peeve is that at 12 years old, she never says please or thank you. I'm just trying to raise her properly. It's embarassing when we go to someone's house and my 5 year old says thank you and not her! Now, I'm rambling.
Thank you all for this advice and support.