Letter to SD's biological father's girlfriend.... please give opinions.
I'm about to send a note to "step"daughter's biological father's girlfriend. (Please read previous blogs if you haven't followed backstory here...it's too long to explain) We are trying to open communication between us and biodad. Last week I messaged biodad on Facebook asking him for his phone number so that we can chat with him for SD6's sake. I haven't heard a response but I'm also not sure if he even checks his facebook very often.
SD6 told me last night that biodad and his gf moved in together. SD loves his gf...she also owns an area business and from what I can see she really has herself together. Therefore, I'm considering sending her this note via Facebook message:
Hi GF,
I know we have never met but I wanted to extend some communication with you and biodad, for SD's sake. As I’m hoping you know, I’m FDH's fiancée. FDH has asked BM for biodad's phone number before and she refuses to give it to us (I'm sure she fears we will all gang up on her...maybe that's somewhat true). We also have asked daycare for his number, but BM never listed him on SD's paperwork so daycare doesn’t have it, either. Last week I messaged biodad to see if he would be willing to talk and I haven’t received a response.
I want you to know that SD talks about you often and really enjoys her time with you. We are so glad that it sounds like you and biodad have a stable relationship for SD to see and model off of in her future. We want what is best for SD and right now with all of us unable to communicate, it is NOT what is best for her.
When we have concerns about anything (schedule conflicts, school stuff, activities, etc) we shouldn’t need to rely on a go-between person (BM) if we can all be mature adults and communicate. I understand that there are a lot of things that happened in the past between FDH and biodad but it is most certainly in the past and everyone has moved forward with their lives. The fact of the matter is that we are ALL raising SD6 and the best way to raise her is to show her that we can all work together and communicate.
I just wanted you and biodad to know that we are on your side and want to work together with you. I’m sure we share a lot of the same frustrations.
I would really appreciate if you would write me back to let me know your thoughts. In a perfect world, it would be great if the four of us could sit down sometime but I understand that might be awkward for FDH and biodad. I think if they can put their own feelings and past dramatics aside, we can all work together to help raise SD to be a wonderful person.
We do have some specific things to talk to biodad about and would prefer not to get BM involved right now.
Thank you!
SteppingUp
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I think it is fine. She may
I think it is fine. She may not reply back, but with your unique situation this may be the only way to do what is in the best interest of the child. Good luck and let us know if she replies.
I guess I would just be
I guess I would just be careful about the bashing BM in the letter... unless you are certain that there is no love between GF and BM. You don't want that to backfire on you!
Maybe tone down the BM jabs for this initial contact and then see how it goes.. yes, odds are GF is annoyed as all hell with BM too, but until you are certain, play it safe. Then once you get a decent relationship going, feel free to let the BM barbs fly!
Ahh yes. I was a little
Ahh yes. I was a little concerned about that too. I'm fairly certain they all don't get along because BM has made comments to us about how biodad is very "difficult" for her to deal with. But you are right....make sure I'm 100% certain
Should I take out the part about keeping BM out of it too? Or will that be assumed....I don't think they'd go running to her but I feel like the biodad might make a comment to BM if they talk this weekend about "why is SteppingUp getting so involved" or something. I could see him trying to bash her like by saying she must be doing something wrong if we're trying to contact him....so I don't want him to do that.
True! Thanks
True! Thanks
Yes you seem to share DD's
Yes you seem to share DD's sentiments....I will reword it to take out some of the BM stuff. I do want to keep the past thing in there because it truly has been the only reason why FDH hasn't contacted him. There was SO MUCH drama in their past, lots of bad words said to each other, and BM has pitted them against each other from day one. I want to recognize that we are all willing to move forward.
UPDATED: Hi GF, I know we
UPDATED:
Hi GF,
I know we have never met but I wanted to extend some communication with you and biodad, for SD's sake. As I’m hoping you know, I’m FDH's fiancée. FDH has asked BM for biodad's phone number before and she refuses to give it to us. We also have asked daycare for his number, but BM never listed him on SD's paperwork so daycare doesn’t have it, either. Last week I messaged biodad to see if he would be willing to talk and I haven’t received a response but I'm not sure if he received it or is avoiding...
I want you to know that SD talks about you often and really enjoys her time with you. We are so glad that it sounds like you and biodad have a stable relationship for SD to see and model off of in her future. We want what is best for SD and right now with all of us unable to communicate, it is NOT what is best for her.
When we have concerns about anything (schedule conflicts, school stuff, activities, etc) we shouldn’t need to rely on a go-between person (BM) if we can all be mature adults and communicate. It is frustrating when biodad's mom is dropping SD off and we don't know what time because no one has anyone else's number...it just doesn't make sense. I understand that there are a lot of things that happened in the past between FDH and biodad but it is most certainly in the past and everyone has moved forward with their lives. The fact of the matter is that we are ALL raising SD6 and the best way to raise her is to show her that we can all work together and communicate.
I just wanted you and biodad to know that we are on your side and want to work together with you.
I would really appreciate if you would write me back to let me know your thoughts. In a perfect world, it would be great if the four of us could sit down sometime but I understand that might be awkward for FDH and biodad. I think if they can put their own feelings and past dramatics aside, we can all work together to help raise SD to be a wonderful person.
We do have some specific things to talk to biodad about and would prefer not to get BM involved right now.
Thank you!
SteppingUp
FDH has asked BM for biodad's
FDH has asked BM for biodad's phone number before and she refuses to give it to us. We also have asked daycare for his number, but BM never listed him on SD's paperwork so daycare doesn’t have it, either. Last week I messaged biodad to see if he would be willing to talk and I haven’t received a response but I'm not sure if he received it or is avoiding...
I would remove this... outside appearance is that you are annoyed with BM
I just wanted you and biodad to know that we are on your side and want to work together with you.
I would remove the "on your side" part as well
Just my opinion.. but I think you need to make this initial contact as neutral sounding as possible. Bottom line you are MOST concerned about SD6.. not picking "sides" or the fact that BM is a PITA who won't give you BD's number