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Do I push this issue or not? -- "SD" 6 visitation

SteppingUp's picture

FDH and I have discussed over the past few months about decreasing our 'visitation' with SD6, as she has a biological father in her life (who wants to be more involved), BM gets paid child support to have her and we get nothing but feel obligated to take her. We decided that we should move towards an "optional" schedule with her -- you know, say "Hey we're going to the movies tonight, can we take SD, too?" rather than having a set schedule to take her. When SD6 goes to her biodad's house, they make her feel guilty for coming to ours. The last time she spent the weekend with him, she came to our house the next day and would hardly talk to us, wouldn't hug us, etc. We are now moving to an every other week schedule with her little brother, my SS3. With that, we'll actually have SS3 MORE often than our stipulation says. FDH said a week ago that there was no way that we'd end up taking SD6 for MORE days also....I told him he better talk to BM about that because you know she's expecting us to just take SD6 for a week at a time, too.

OF COURSE, BM doesn't "understand" what the problem is with taking SD6 from Sunday-Friday every other week. FDH explained to her that we dont' get paid child support for her, we don't even get a thank you or any kind of appreciation for raising HER daughter that is not even ours or FDH's. She still didn't "get it". Threw a big fit.

So what happened? FDH caved. Nothing got resolved with this issue. After he told me this I was soooo pissed. I said, "We're going to go to the county courthouse tomorrow to find the paperwork to modify child support, and BM WILL agree to a lesser child support payment." He said there's no way she'll agree to it. I said well atleast it might scare her enough to make her realize we aren't just her free babysitters!

Okay -- my BIG thing here -- How on earth did we go from stopping regular/obligated visitaiton with SD6 to having her MORE days???? with this "new" schedule, we'd actually have SD6 for 10 days a month! Her biodad only gets her every other he has her 4 nights a month. And BM gets about $400 from him in CS. I also want to add here that her biodad has ASKED BM to have SD on the nights we normally take her...he WANTS more visitation. He would be ROYALLY pissed off if/when he finds out we're going to be taking her MORE often.

Here's my questions:
1. Do I push this? I'm afraid I'm going to turn out to be the bad guy if I do...since apparently FDH isn't willing to stand up to BM about this....even though he himself brings up changing the visitaiton with SD6.
2. Should I contact SD6's biodad and get his phone number? FDH has asked for it from BM before so that she doesn't have to be the middle person all the time (BM refused to give it to him), and also FDH wants to be able to open up communication between us I'm prepared to go on Facebook and message him for his phone number. But should I?


SteppingUp's picture

I agree -- we want a positive change for SD, not a negative one. And I feel her boidad should be allowed to be more involved. We want to maintian a relationship with her but for it not to be like it is right now....just feeling like unpaid babysitters so that her mom can go out all week long. And I too have thought about if she needs medical would be a mess.

SteppingUp's picture

That's exactly what I want needs to happen. Especially because FDH always caves to her manipulations in conversations. She beats around the bush and nothing gets resolved.

SteppingUp's picture

No, we do not pay child support for her...I was just emphasizing that BM gets paid child support....yet she wants us to take her daughter half the month.

Nette5's picture

Make contact with SD's Biodad, when you pick her up from BM's, pass her off to her biodad, pick her up before the drop off to BM. Then you get your break, biodad gets his time, and you still get a chance to wean your visits with SD down. Sometimes it's best to leave BM out of things when it's in the best interest of the child.

SteppingUp's picture

oooh, I kinda like that idea! Obviously this requires contacting definitely the first step is that.

DaizyDuke's picture

This is absurd.. you know my feelings on this! This poor 6 year old should not have to live her life being swapped around between 3 different homes including one that really isn't even hers!! And BM sure as shit would not be sending a child that was NOT my DH's for 10 days a month without sending that percentage of her CS along as well. The way I figure it, she owes you about 130.00 per month of her CS if you are going to take her.. which again, I DON'T think you should. Why can't this crazy BM just let her have a relationship with her father and a chance at a NORMAL life??

The bottom line way I see it is that BM is looking to pawn her off and still collect her money. By pawning her off on you, she get money and free time. If she pawns her off on Bio Dad, then she gets free time, but less money. This is all about what's in it for BM not what's best for this poor little girl and everyone else.

BM#2 in my case has a son who is 6 years older than SS who she had when she was 16 with another man (not my DH) when she and DH were dating, her son was just little and obvisouly DH formed a bond with him, was actually quite fond of him, acted like a father figure (since his dad was in prison) etc. But after DH and she split up, even my nutbag BM would not be crazy enough to think that just because SS12 was coming to visit that she should send her older son along too. Come on!

Willow2010's picture

Ive read your blogs and I am truly on the fence about all of it.

On one hand…as a SM I would not like this at all. AT ALL.

On the other hand…as a Dad, I can see where your DH must be torn.

On the skid hand….I just feel bad for her all the way around.

BUT, BUT, BUT…it is time for your DH to take a stand. One way or the other. He can’t just go back and forth. He need to make a decision NOW to either start phasing the child out or getting her as much as he gets the other one. And he HAS to stick to that forever. It will be devastating to this child if this is allowed to continue as she ages and then yall try to phase her out when she is older. It would be cruel.

IMHO…it needs to start phasing out now. Let her real dad worry about it. Good luck. You have more patience than I.

SteppingUp's picture

Okay I want to update you all and also thank you for all the responses. But after a long talk with FDH this afternoon, I have now realized I need to step back on this situation. Like Willow2010 says, I can see all sides.

FDH said this to me: "I don't know whether I'm shooting for no visitation with SD because it's what I want or if it's just to follow what you've been saying should happen." I said that is exactly what I DON'T want him to to....I don't want to be hte bad guy. He told me he understands I don't have as deep of a connection with SD6 and I told him it's not necessarily that, I told him it's doing BM a favor and also not letting her biodad be involved that bothers me and doesn't feel "right". He emphasized that I was not there for the time in SD's life when biodad did not WANT to be her 'dad'. He basically told BM that he doesn't want to be involved until she can talk and have fun with him...he didn't want to be around for the baby stage and was perfectly fine at that time letting FDH take his place and be called "daddy". So I told FDH that yes, I do see how that makes everyone jaded toward biodad and I totally see his point. I explained to him that I don't trust BM's intentions and that she does what's best for her, and has never done what's best for the kids to prove me otherwise. He said he gets my point on that, too. But that I can't use SD6 to "punish" BM for being a bad mom and not caring enough about who her kids are with as long as their not with her....that I need to do what's best for the kids and how we've talked before about that we're the best role models for her (a positive caring relationship between us) and that it's good to keep SS3 and SD6 together...etc.

So...that first comment of his made me realize that I just need to step back from the situation and I'm not going to push it anymore. I don't this to become a point for resentment from FDH and also from SD in the future...that it was my "fault" that she was "taken" away from us.

I know this is opposite of what a lot of you think... I just don't want this to create problems with my own future husband (will be married in 44 days!) but I am going to suggest to him tonight that we seek counseling to understand each other and our difference of opinions and learn how to work around that to effectively communicate.

DaizyDuke's picture

Let me ask you this? Does SS go to SD's Bio Dad's when she goes there for visitation? I highly doubt it. This "excuse" of keeping the kids together.. is just that to me, a lame excuse. They are together when they are at their mother's, unfortunately they have different fathers that is the reality.

I totally understand how you don't want to feel like you forced your FDH's hand on this one, but I think that down the road, you are going to find yourself resenting BM, SD and this whole situation more and more and again I feel bad for SD that she has to be flipped flopped around and that her Bio Dad is missing out on time with her because BM wants to pawn her off and your FDH can't bring himself to let her go.

SteppingUp's picture

I know! I totally see your point and it's definitely MY point too. I'm just not sure how far I can push this without FDH being on the same page. I do think counseling will help because another outside perspective will really help.

Most people I talk to who don't konw the situation, think it's crazy. Because what mother WANTS to give up her kid many days a week if she doesn't have to?

SteppingUp's picture

Yes...I'm giving in. What else can I do? Keep pushing FDH to do something he doesn't want to do? Risk him using it against me forever?

Willow2010's picture

I admire your stance on not forcing DH’s hand. BUT, I think you will end up bitter and resentful. I don’t know the back story…do you work? Will you be the one watching the 6yr everyday?

I understand what your DH is saying, but IMHO…if this is allowed to continue much longer, this is going to be one messed up kid. Think about her as a teenager. She can play 3 houses against each other. Makes me shudder!!

SteppingUp's picture

I know. I just don't know what else to do right now because it seems FDH doesn't want to budge. I'm not going to push him and push him and come out the bad guy in the end and have him being all sad about the situation. It's not worth that to me.

I do feel that in the future, biodad will probably take BM to court.

SteppingUp's picture

I just sent this message to biodad (after telling FDH I would) via Facebook message:

Hi Name,
I think it's time we all sit down and have a conversation for SD6's sake. Would you mind sharing your phone number with us so that FDH can give you a call some time?

The ball is in his court.

DaizyDuke's picture

I think this is a great first step in the right direction. I totally agree that you guys and Bio dad need to be on the same page as I would bet big money that BM is feeding him crap and feeding you guys crap and basically playing you both. And that needs to stop for SDs sake and a chance for a somewhat normal life.