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OT - Would be better to ignore or acknowledge Vday for widowed MIL?

stepmasochist's picture

MIL's husband died close to this time of year nearly 3 years ago. I was thinking of getting her a card and maybe some candy from DH and I and the kids for Valentine's. But I'm wondering will that make her miss her deceased husband more (probably), but should I do it anyway even though it more than likely somewhat renew the pain of her loss?

I get along very well with my MIL, btw. And I know that FIL used to always give her Valentine's gifts. She usually sets all the stuffed animals and cards from years gone by from him out for the holiday.

What do you think?


folkmom's picture

i think at a certain age and place in life people get past the belief that vday is all amount romance etc...and realize it can be about caring and appreciation. she has not had a valentine in 3 yrs and it is special to her...imagine a smile on her face when she knows your family took the time to stop and think of her. if that's not love...

TheWife's picture

When my husband's stepdad passed, he was unsure whether to still call her and wish her a happy anniversary on their anniversary. He went ahead and did it anyway, and although she was sad, she was glad he remembered.

~*~When you kiss ass, your breath smells like sh*t~*~

soverysad's picture

I think in general people like to be remembered and they like to know that people remember that someone special that they lost too. People often send me emails / notes in December letting me know they're thinking of me. They never mention my brother's death, but I know that is their point and it makes me feel better that people have not forgotten him. I think you should send her something.

"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!

Most Evil's picture

I think it would be sweet to give her a Valentine. I remember when I was younger my mom giving me valentines, and I miss that so much now that she is sick. Put a smile on her face while you can!! Smile
“Learn by practice.” - Martha Graham

stepmasochist's picture

Thanks ya'll. I gave her a box of candy (pot o' gold, mmmm) and I noticed SIL and BIL gave her a stuffed bear, like FIL used to do. I think she appreciated us thinking about her.

Most Evil's picture

Hey cool!!
“Learn by practice.” - Martha Graham

Curious Georgetta's picture

change in any direction that is going to make you happy.

These young people seem to have a positive and caring relationship with their father and grandparents. Your prior post suggest that  they have a positive relationship with your kids.

For whatever reason, they seem to have a polite but distant relationship with you. That is probably all that you are ever going to have, and many would be more than satisfied with that kind of relationship with their  step kids.

You cannot fix them, but perhaps you can get some counseling or therapy to work on helping you to accept your present reality.

Every one else in your husband's family seems to have established a comfort zone within the situation as it stands. You are the outlier, and effort on your part to stir things up  will not likely be appreciated or well received.

Focus your attention and concern on your own children. These young adults are not and never were your children. Perhaps, if you can accept the fact you were a family that never blended it might be easier for you to stop vying for a place in their lives that you will never have.

You have 3 children of your own. Let them be sufficient in meeting your need to be an acknowledged and recognized parent.

You cannot change the past; that ship has sailed.You can however accept the relationship as it presently exist and stop longing for more.