New here. Could use a little help
Navigating through an issue. I don't know if I am in the wrong. Without giving too much back story first I am a step mom to 8SS. We are not married but have been together for almost 8years. However I was not in 8SS life until he was about 2.5. BM had a very very rocky start but over the years have become drama free and friendly.That is to say we are drama free if no one says anything about anything. And we choose not to rock the boat for our sanity.
DSO and BM do not have a formal custody arrangement, it is verbal and basically because consistent and expected 3 years ago when BM divorced her husband whom she married a few years prior. They had a second child together and when they split 8SS was put on the same custody arrangement as his younger brother. And that is 50/50 with the 2-2-5-5 model.
we have been 100% on board with very little schedule pushback. We are all freelance including BM and when she has scheduling conflicts come up she just changes the schedule maybe a month in advance and we all get an email so it then reflects any days she is out of town and the boys are with dad. We do not have luxury of doing that and my partner has jobs come up very quickly that will take him out of town on a whim.
the first year or more she would always take 8SS and not expect him to be with me when his dad was gone. Then we had a baby 2 years ago. And the pandemic started. Along with virtual school. The house we were renting was put on the market and we ended up having to move a bit further away. (We had originally relocated to her side of town to be near 8SS and try and gain some traction with the very rocky vistitation she was allowing)
so fast forward to now. We have a 2 year old and very long commute to school (45 minutes each way)
my partner got word he had to leave for a job for 9 days and 6 of those days (5nights) 8SS is supposed to be with us. But I am so overwhelmed with life. Totally stressed and trying to hold it together everyday. I asked BM for help and was vulnerable and told her I was drowning trying to keep my business afloat and full time parent my two year old. We had a decent conversation where no one raised their voice and we both made our "cases" but I basically told her I didn't feel like it was fair to expect 8SS to be with me being so far from school, alone, with baby. That it's not my responsibility. But she is "leaving for a trip" and unwilling to budge sati by we have 50/50 and this issue is between DSO and myself not her. I said you guys don't have a formal custody arrangement...so really this is between YOU (BM) and DSO.
she said "he's sort of your kid too" and I said "you worked very hard to make it clear ge was not for a very long time."
she seemed cool calm and collected but then the emails followed over the last 24 hours and now it has escalated into a huge drama of 8SS being unwanted and unloved here etc etc. which is just not true in the least. I have a great relationship with him. I am happily with him alone all of the time when DSO is working. I do tons of school pick ups and overnights. But I am drowning. So I reached out for help and we are in a shit show.
I just feel so taken advantage of. But am I in the wrong?? Do we need to have a nanny for him even if I don't want to have my 2 year old with a nanny yet?? If I can't handle it on my own?? My point is it is not formal and is dictated by BM for her convenience. She has 50% of her time child free because they are with dads at the same time.
I just get so angry when I'm caring for him on my own and she is getting facials and spa days and posting it on social media. Is this just what I signed up for by being in this relationship? That inassume full responsibility for a child I don't even have legal authority to make medical decisions for while both bio parents are out of town?????
is it so crazy to think BM should cancel her long weekend away to take care of the son she birthed?? My partner cannot say no to work because it is freelance and built on relationships he has with people who keep hiring him.
Ok this was long. Have been anxiously waiting for approval in the site to post and get a little feedback from someone who is not my mother or friend.
thank you in advance.
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Comments
What strikes me most about
What strikes me most about your post is that you are the one doing the negotiating with BM - where is DH in all of this? It's his son and his responsiblity.
The second thing that strikes me is that the lack of a formal custody arrangement is causing issues so you need to get it in writing. In Australia, you do not have to go to court to do a formal custody agreement. You can draw it up yourself (with the help of lawyers) and then just register it with the Family court so they have it on record. Is this not an option where you live? It will still cost a little money in lawyers fees but nothing too bad. I think you need that formal agreement so then BM doesn't continue to have control ie she can change it when she wants but you can't.
Thirdly, DH needs to make arrangements for his son when he is in your custody and he is away for work ie a nanny to do the school run and help out after school etc. This is not your responsiblity!
Thank you for your reply. I
Thank you for your reply. I agree and have pushed for something formal for a long time. But DSO doesn't move forward with it for some reason.
but also, if there was a nanny for 8SS while he is gone, that nanny would be in my house with me and then probably not sleep over - so responsibility is still on me?? A couple of hours with a nanny doesn't really make me feel any less responsible. Although school trips would help Alleviate stress. But it still seems unfair???
You are not wrong
You need to push your SO, to take care of this situation. This is not your child. BM has gotten her way the whole way it sounds and any pushback will cause her to lash out.
But without something in writing and approved its all just conversation at this point
Where is partner in all this?
You're not wrong that YOU
You're not wrong that YOU should not be responsible for SS8 if you're overwhelmed (or for any other reason). However, I think the issue is between you and SO, not you and BM. If you don't want to watch SS while SO is away, SO needs to take it up with BM or make other arrangements.
Right, but I guess my
Right, but I guess my question is WHAT OTHER ARRANGEMENTS? a nanny that we don't know that would sleep at our house? We don't live near our family. I'm just so confused what the other arrangements would even be and how yucky that would feel to SS. I don't want him to suffer because of it. I think it's more stable and better for his well-being to be with his freaking mother. She has her own life was said somewhere back to me and I'm baffled by that. She has freaking kids. Dad has to work. End of story. I hate it.
You need to plainly tell your
You need to plainly tell your SO this:
"SO, I cannot take care of SS right now. I reached out to BM, and she isn't willing to budge. It is now YOUR responsibility to figure out a solution. Talk to BM, ask a relative to take him back and forth, hire a nanny - I don't care. I love SS, but this is NOT my emotional labor to work through. YOU and BM need to figure this out TODAY. Your informal arrangement and lack of child care is no longer my problem. I will drown if you don't sort this."
Bio parents tend to see SPs as free kid care, and we aren't. If he is a freelancer with BM also traveling/freelancing, then he should have a back-up caregiver for his son. Him and BM having jobs where they can just pick up and go are privileges; there are many parents who would LOVE that but can't do it because they made the choice to have kids.
So, use this instance as a wake-up call to both you and SO. Honestly, your SO should have never bent the custody rules they have set if BM wasn't going to be flexible, too. However, BM isn't his Plan B, either, when he isn't available. She has her own life, and his custody time is his responsibility (and vice versa).
This would be a hill I would die on. No way would I be responsible for my SS for 9 days when I'm on the verge of a mental break because my SO didn't plan better and ignored my years of begging to plan better. I'd actually plan to be out of town with my child at the same time to get my point across.
Trust me I have thought about
Trust me I have thought about it. (Going out of town) in my SO defense he just found out he was going on Wednesday and I called her Thursday because he said he hadn't talked to her yet. So he didn't really have the ability to plan. We live in a different state than any of either of our family members and we don't have a nanny caregiver because it's random to have one for one child and not my toddler who I'm not willing to leave anyone yet. But yes I understand everyone's points and appreciate the feedback
He has had EIGHT YEARS to
He has had EIGHT YEARS to plan.
The reality is that he and BM don't have careers that work for their son, unless they are willing to travel with SS. They rely on you (and BM's XH) to act as free caregivers. You either have to accept that you have been used, and will continue to be used, or take a stand.
If you don't feel comfortable taking a stand right now for this instance, that's fine. But if you don't address it soon, you'll be stuck in this position again sooner than later. BM has no incentive to make changes because your SO gives in, and your SO has no incentive to change because you pick up where he and BM slack off.
Ask yourself what you would do if you were a single parent and SO couldn't help. Then expect your SO to act in that same capacity. Being in a relationship with you does not mean he is no longer a single parent; he's still a single parent, he's just not single in a romantic sense. Don't confuse the two.
First, your SO has allowed
First, your SO has allowed this situation to go on for too long. All coparents need a formal custody arrangement, in writing, and submitted to the courts. I don't care if it is simply something him and BM come up with and get it entered into the court record or if it is something they battle out in court; there needs to be something in writing to hold both parties accountable. Also, BM and SO should be hashing out details, not you and BM. Save yourself the headache and never communicate with BM ever, it's not your job and you are setting yourself up for drama.
Second, yes, you are right that you should not be expected to provide care for SS. That is on the bio parents. It sounds like your BM is a little high conflict - making it clear that SS isn't your kid, then turning around when it's convenient and saying "well he is kind of your kid," because it suits her. Then the email drama after - typical HCBM move. I don't agree that BM should take SS when it isn't her parenting time, but that is your SO's problem, not yours.
Finally, I wouldn't get upset about BM going to the spa and living her life. She has two kids that follow the same custody schedule, so yes, she has more freedom because she only sees her kids 50% of the time. If you didn't have another child, you would also be on the same schedule and have the same freedom. I think it is your biological child that is causing the added stress, obviously not intentionally, but it is impossible to get a break with a baby, so it makes BM's lifestyle seem more free and desirable. Try to take some time for yourself - get a babysitter, go on a date night with SO, plan a long weekend, etc. I think you will feel much refreshed if you take time to recharge.
What if something happens to
What if something happens to him on your watch? You have no legal rights and can't take him to the hospital or sign any paperwork or anything. If he's not with his father he needs to be with his mother! Stand firm otherwise this could continue to be a problem into the future. Also your so really needs a co.
You aren't wrong
Your dh needs to take care of dealings with bm though, I'd play no part in in.
As someone else said step parents aren't free babysitters however close they are to the child.
Just IMHO that if the bios were still together and one had to work or is sick for example, the other parent would have to take up the slack.
It is unfortunate that they
It is unfortunate that they don't have a formal agreement. Generally the NCP is not obligated to take their visitation... but in this case, it's awkward because both the bio parents have obligations that take them out of town.
Theoretically, since they have had this "set" time share, it should be on your BF to figure out what to do with his child if he is going to be out of town. That might involve HIM negotiating with BM.. does she have family nearby that could step in?
If they are both "stuck" and have to be out of town.. he may need to figure out something.. could the child go WITH him on his trip? he could hire a sitter during the day to help while he works?
Or.. you agree to do it as help to your partner so he can do his job.... the alternative being that if no one can watch the child he has to turn down the job. I know it's not your responsibility.. but sometimes as their partner we do things to help out the greater good of the household.. and that might mean him keeping a job.
Is there any amount of reduction in time.. is BM gone the WHOLE time? would some help during the day at least be respite for you.. overnight the kid is mostly sleeping?
This may be true, that the
This may be true, that the "good" thing to do is help. But, unpopular opinion - a lot depends on the kid. If there are behavior problems or animosity due to ex/loyalty binds that make caring for them more difficult, it would factor in to my decision. Sucks, but there are a lot of situations where being the stepparent is a hell of a lot harder than being the parent. Treating them like your own doesn't work in all cases.
I'd just like to point out
I'd just like to point out that OP is a freelancer too and is also trying to keep her head above water while taking care of a toddler. She is working from home - where is she supposed to find the time to babysit for other people?
I get that... I just am
I get that... I just am thinking if there is no better option.. if they could get a sitter to come in during the day while she is working that she would just have the evening and overnight which is mostly the kids sleeping.
Of course, the best option is for the bio parents to figure it out.. but it sounds like options are slim. no family nearby. OP may be the "only" option unless her DH can take the kid or has to turn down the job which he "can't".. but BM seems to be in a similar situation.
Yes.. it is THEIR child.. but if OP is faced with their household losing $work for her DH is that worse than watching the kid even if it is a bit overwhelming.. even if her DH could get her some help during the daytime hours? If they can afford for him to lose the work.. she can put her foot down and refuse completely.. and if DH can't make BM take the time and he doesn't have any other option.. then that means income lost in her home.
These are not ideal cases with ideal incomes. Yes.. financial concerns are a real thing. would it be better for the food to not be bought, rent not paid if it came to that so he could stay home with his child?
Of course OP has no obligation, and there may be even more extenuating issues with the child.. but if that is the case they (BM and DH) should have had more plans in place since this was bound to come up at some point.
I also wondered if BM is goiing to be gone the whole overlap with DH being gone.. whether they could adjust days down so it would be fewer.
In the end, there is a child that needs to have a place to be and his mom and dad need to figure that out.. if BM's pov is that since it is HIS custody.. it's HIS problem.. then that is what it will be.. then it does come down to how he wants to deal with that..give up work.. or ask his partner to step up for him while he is gone.. or take his child with him... in the end, they will have to figure it out. she may not be absolutely obligated.. but there may not be many other good options available to them... at this late date.
Just wanted to say that my
Just wanted to say that my comment wasn't directed specifically at you because a lot of the other posters seemed to not realize this. Your post just seemed the best place to say it. :)
Having said that, I understand that OP might be the only solution, but... what if she has an already impossible deadline to keep (some of us live like that and,apart from losing a good customer,it can also cost her hard cash if she doesn't meet the deadline)? In any case, her dh seriously needs to get a CO and to hell with his reticence.
OP, kick his bum until he gets that darn court order!
It sounds like the parents
It sounds like the parents should have had a better model to take care of SS when they were not available. I can see BM saying that she had this long standing plan to travel and her Ex's last minute change shouldn't be her problem to fix. I can see the pov saying.. well as a parent.. sometimes you have to change plans. I see the BF deal that he needs to keep this work committment to keep a long standing relationship and income stream alive.. AND.. I see the SM as stressed that she is being put on the spot to help everyone out of a jam.
I think in her position I might agree to it under certain conditions (since she has an interest in her DH making money too I'm assuming)... 1. he hire a sitter to care for the kids during the day.. giving her at least some break. 2. That he and his EX come up with a plan for caring for their child that doesn't include OP as the only solution. 3. She needs some power of atty or document in case something happens while the parents are out of town.
Agree, and she needs to put a
Agree, and she needs to put a tight time limit on 1and 2.
The out of town
Is not all of the time. For BM work trips are few and far between. She is often out of town for vacation. Not work.
for SO he also is not super often but maybe every few months he has a big job that takes him out of town. Otherwise he is in town.
I’d also like to mention
The trip BM is going on is vacation - and this is the 2nd vacation she has taken in 2022.
Has BM asked your SO to take SS when it's not his time? Because if your SO as done "favours" for BM, then I would expect BM to do the same and to sometimes take the kid when it's not her time. But if BM finds other arrangements for childcare during her time (without expecting your SO to take him extra) then I think your SO should do the same. He has to figure it out or cancel the job, it's his problem.
It is complicated
Because she definitely has but has selective memory or like I said in post she changes the schedule and emails everyone so that she doesn't have to ask. Her trips for work are not very often. She mainly works in town and so does my SO. It's not all good the time on either case but she normally has a longer lead time to figure things out or change the schedule for her convenience.
I hate to go down this street
But your DSO must get a job where he can parent his kid. No going away for a week, A real Monday to Friday 9 to 5 job.
It's his kid. He has to deal with it. Either he takes care of his kid or finds other child care. Not you
You are making life easy for yoir DSO and BM. He is the one who wanted thi 5 0/50 with the 2-2-5-5 model. He is the one who has to parent his child
He actually had no say in the
He actually had no say in the 2-2-5-5 model. We were piggy backed onto the custody arrangement she figured out with her husband she divorced. My SO was so starved for time with His son because it was so hot and cold before the divorce, we honestly didn't even think it would last. This was January 2019. The first year she did not have SS with me when SO was out of town. She kept him without even having to talk about it. Then pandemic happened and my SO was not traveling and actually out of work because of it. His entire industry shut down. So we didn't have this issue for nearly 1.5-2 years and now we're here.