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OT - DSO is a dumbass. Vent. Sorry for Length

bearcub25's picture

For me to even start I have to do a back story. I'll try to make it brief. SS15 has had behavior issues his whole life. Preemie, spent 3 months in NICU unit. BM and DSO never really pushed to get good therapy or help for him. He was given an ADD med, that had no effect, but never did any psyche testing or pushed to a good psyche doctor. By internet reading and a conduct disorder forum, I tried to steer DSO to better help but he refused to listen to me....he just wanted a pill to make him normal.

2 years and 5 months ago, SS was put into the juvie/group home system for violence and physical attacks on his BM, Grandpa and sister. When the judge was wanting to send him to a good Residential Treatment Center (RTC) that was out of state, BM and DSO fought to keep him in our town so they could visit him, SMH. It wasn't a high enough level for SS, so after a year they didn't see improvement and did another 6 month round. SS started attacking the staff at RTC, running away, so they sent him for a full psyche eval at a juvie center. Dec 22nd was the last court date. The judge said he needed a level III RTC and SS was sent home until a bed was available...either in state or out of state. BIG mistake on parents fault for not just letting the courts do what they needed 1.5 years before that.

DSO and BM found out that a bed was available and SS was to leave today. DSO and SS went to the mountains for the weekend to trout fish and bond this past weekend. While they were gone, one of DSO's SILs passed away. This SIL is/was BMs BFF. 10 years ago, SIL knew BM was talking to a guy on the internet and was planning to kick DSO out and move this random dude in (this guy was on the run from a sexual battery on his daughter charge and is in jail for the next 15 years). When random dude became abusive to BM and DSO had already filed for divorce, this SIL tried to get them back together but DSO was done with BM. He hates this SIL and so do I.

Also, DSO was told that if he quit his job, SS could stay with him and do outpatient therapy. DSO could go on welfare and do it...but not living in my house he won't.

Now the vent: SS leaves today at noon. The RTC is 2.5 hours away. SIL funeral is tomorrow. BM told DSO that she is driving down to get SS tomorrow, bring him back for the funeral and then DSO has to take him back tomorrow nite. The courts, social worker, lawyer, all said that he couldn't delay going there another few days. They said that SS' treatment is more important than a funeral and I agree.

This is the most stupid idea I have heard in awhile form BM and DSO. DSO's car won't make it there and back, so he is taking our shared car and I have to take a day off work or get my Mothers car to come to work. I can say no, you can't take car, but he would take his POS and if it broke down it would cost a fortune to get back here and then have to fix and down a car) DSO just refuses to tell BM No, he just agrees bc its his special little snowflake and heaven forbid a 15yo miss his Aunts funeral.
DSO also allowed SD14 to miss school yesterday, today and tomorrow. She is sad but not inconsolable grieving, he just won't say NO, go to school. DSO has already received a letter from the Board on her absences so he made up lies to have written excuses for those absences. They are doing some heavy duty State and Federal testing the next 2 weeks and letters went home with all kids in the county how important it is to not miss school unnecessarily. I also feel that kids shouldn't have to attend a funeral unless it is someone extremely close like a parent or grandparent. This Aunt hadn't seen the skids in over 2 years so they weren't close.

Since I had the nerve to question DSO about his kids and all this BullShit and tell him getting SS was stupid...he is not speaking to me, is pissed at me. I'm pissed bc everytime something comes up with skids, me and my family have to arrange it so it works. DSOs family, including this SIL, has never once lifted a finger to help out their own Niece and Nephews or their Brother/BIL, same with BM or her family. These people don't even buy the skids Christmas or Bday gifts...but my family sure does.

DSO is taking this placement very hard. I get it...its your baby, its your favorite child. The child no one likes or wants to be around bc he is a bully, can snap in a minute and become violent and destructive. So, it is hard for me to have that much feeling about it. But I just stay quiet and go about my business.

I have needed to have the Come to Jesus talk with DSO for awhile but I've put it off. I can't do it anymore. I realized last nite that the love is gone. I'm not getting a damn thing out of this r'ship. I sit in a room all the time bc he has spent the last 4 years visiting either OSS or YSS in juvie/RTC places almost every weekend. I'm just a paycheck and a surrogate mother for his kids and TBH, he hasn't shown me that I'm more than that to him. I started doing things on my own and he is pissed but he doesn't scream or yell about me doing stuff, he just gets more quiet.

Don't advise I need to leave him or counseling or whatever. I'm a strong, independent woman. I survived on my own with a teenager when my DH died, I can handle being alone when this limp ass noodle is gone too. I'm a nice person, but I know I'm at the point where I'm done, over him and his kids and honestly, I don't think I would even shed a tear with a break up at this point. I really hope that DSO remembers that I don't NEED him or any man. DSO sure as hell NEEDS me though. He doesn't make enough to survive w/o my paycheck.

I'm just the Nanny/Maid/Sugar Mama at this point.


Monchichi's picture

Welcome, this is the perfect place to come to and have it out. I'm really sorry you're going through this. You know the answer. A "come to Jesus talk" sounds long over due.

bearcub25's picture

Thank you but I've been a member at ST for 5 years. I don't go into much bc it was pretty calm and was getting better when OSS aged out and SS was getting help. Things that really went to shit for the past 5 months.

bearcub25's picture

The treatment center he was in locally wasn't equipped to handle his type of DXs. It was a place more for youths that were in trouble with the law. SS is ADHD, ODD, on the Autism spectrum and who knows what else. He was evaluated to be at a level III RTC and our local place is a level I.

They did transfer him, but bc we are in a small state and not too many options, they had to wait until a bed was available. I agree a parent should be able to monitor, but a parent should also have spent 12 years trying to get their son help, not some quack that never had a real psyche eval, never tried adjusting his meds, never did more than a half hour therapy every month when they handed out a script, never gave counseling or help to the parents. So maybe the parents should have done more when they had custody and the state wouldn't have to use my tax dollars to do the parents job for them.

My DS30 had drug problems and a brush with the law, had a baby 2 days after he turned 18. I begged the courts to get him into a drug rehab...a good one, not a local joke bc he was using needles and heroin. I had to use tough love...extreme tough love with him, and I'm proud to say that he now has a good job, making good money, bought his own home and a contributing member of society. So I am a big promoter of Tough Love.

We agree to disagree on kids and funerals.

Also the fact that I have to waste 12.5 hours of vacation time so DSO can put 500 miles on my work car and I can sit home and clean.

bearcub25's picture

LOL. Sorry, I hope you didn't choke.

I'm glad someone saw my point in all this asinine bullshit.

This isn't the man I fell for, he has turned into this limp noodle that can't think for himself.

He asked me yesterday....
DSO: The school should take a note for her 3 day absence for a funeral shouldn't they?
Me: After typing and deleting 3 replies. IDK what the school board will and won't take. You ppl haven't listened to me all year, why worry now.

So he knows it isn't really right. He literally can not say NO to any of these people.

bearcub25's picture

I would say SD has 20 absences this year, some were legit but most were not. IDK if our school board will check it close. She actually missed 2 days right after he got the letter due to being sick and now 3 more....I will do the same thing if he gets another letter like I did last month.....not a damn thing.

As for being the 'future wife'. I doubt I ever remarry. I did it for 20 years, BTDT. But a split would be like a divorce....10 years together, vehicles and motorcycle in both our names, he has put some money into my house, he does give me so much a month for bills, not close to what I put in but he has never not paid his way in our r'ship.