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Living apart from your DH

Sparklelady's picture

Has anyone successfully managed to live apart from their DH but keep the marriage/relationship strong as a couple? I've been considering it if my DH wants to be spending more time with his daughter and estranged son - if it will make him happy. (Since his son 16 ran away two months ago, DH has been taking it out on me and my DS15 - understandable, but certainly not fun for either of us.)

I have the luxury of already owning another property where I could live with DS15, so financially it doesn't matter. But I hesitate to bring it up as a possibility if it will mean the end of "us".

Comments

zerostepdrama's picture

I cant say because I am not in that situation... but for me if we aren't going to be together "all the way" then why be together? That is my opinion of course. If we cant work on whatever is going to "tear us apart" and moving into separate places is our only options, I figure we might as well get a divorce. I know some posters here do it and it works for them. Personally I dont know if it would work for me.

hereiam's picture

The fact that he is taking his son running away out on you and yours needs to be addressed, whether you live together or apart. Just living apart is not going to solve all of the issues, nor end his resentment.

I think living apart can work, depending on the reason and what is being done to resolve it.
And depending on how bad the couple wants it to work.

Cdngirl's picture

My DH and I spent a year living apart and dating, due to SD issues and some of our own. We talked about possibly living apart till she was gone, but decided to work on our issues to see if we could make a go out of it. It was a difficult year, but probably the best thing that we ever did. It gave DH and myself time to decide what we wanted because the way things were going it wasn't each other. We just moved back in so I will see how it goes from here on out.

Glassslipper's picture

DH and I have never lived apart, neither would I consider it.
I too and an all or nothing person and either he is all in or "us" is done.

We have had our disagreements and arguments but we never let "kiddy" issues be the topic of disagreement. If he starts to bring up kids "he said/she said" or I start to bring it up, its immediately replied with a "I'm not arguing over kiddy issues"

Letting the kids rip you apart is EXACTLY the plot sometimes.
Sometimes the kids want to know or see or test if they can come between you two and therefor get the upper hand. Or in my case, BM sets them up to start crap to get in between us and cause issues.

That's just from my point of view, not sure it applies to your situation

Mercury's picture

I have thought about this very thing and decided I could never do it. I've even entertained the idea of buying a duplex so that he and I could have our space and the kids could have their space without DH and I having to spend time apart. Nope. Still not an option.

DH's daughter outright refuses to come to what she considers my home. DH has never wavered from his position that since I'm a part of his life, she's just stuck with me. She can't have him without me. We are the central unit, the kids don't get to call the shots.

Tuff Noogies's picture

different countries. her profile states europe. OP is in canada tho' so it may not be an issue.

Sparklelady's picture

The thing is, this isn't a "me or them" situation. He already chose me over "them". I'm not insecure about it, and I don't have anything to lose or win. It's more of an idea I've been playing with, that his happiness may be a very important factor in how we move forward. I honestly have no intention of ever voluntarily spending time with his children ever again. I also don't think it will do him any good to misplace his frustration and anger, and take it out on me when it's really his children that he's mad at. That's why I was starting to question the pros and cons of potentially living apart and I guess really just dating for a while. Hoping some people who have successfully lived apart will be able to share their experiences.

notsobad's picture

My mom has friends who have an acreage and have 2 houses on them.
They eat meals together and sometimes have sleep overs but basically live in separate houses. They don't really want to be together but can't afford to split up and still want some company. They are in their 70s and feel like they are too old to start over.
They seem to get along fine if they don't have to deal with every day life, they just date.

I always thought it was odd but it works for them and who am I to judge.