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Is it time? (Rant)

SoDisappointed's picture

I’m so lost and unhappy right now. I have tried to disengage and feel like I am failing miserably. DW went to visit MSS tonight since he is moving across country soon. I found stuff to do around the house and then took a long walk to have dinner alone. That just made me sad seeing couples everywhere. I came home and decided to relax on the porch until DW got home. She was distant, as usual after seeing any of her kids. I asked if she was ok... BIG mistake because it just sent her into a “I don’t know what you expect me to do” and “I can’t control how my kids feel” rant. I just said I don’t expect any of that and that I was sorry for bringing any of it up and walked away. I just asked if she was ok! For the love of God I cannot even have a simple conversation with this woman anymore!

I am trying to disengage from her bratty adult kids and not her. But it is beginning to feel like I need to disengage from her too. Is it just time to separate? I am so unhappy with what is supposed be to be a marriage.☹️

Comments

Harry's picture

Marrage is over, She let her kid blow up at you and taking her kids side. Instead of telling kid to play nice, she see him without you.  No one can be happy with that life.  Everyone has to give in a new relationship, SS is not giving!

you will be better off out of there,  It is not going to bet better 

SoDisappointed's picture

There is nothing I see that makes me believe she is committed to this marriage. I feel like I am diluting myself in hoping something will change. I try not to judge people on their past actions because I firmly believe people can learn and grow from past experiences. But I don’t see it in my DW. That leaves me to feel nothing has or will change. Ever. 

dysfunctionally_blended's picture

Have you considered counseling as a last effort? From your blogs it seems you are very resentful and your DW is very defensive. 

Is your resentment valid - absolutely.

But you have a momma bear on the loose and somehow you became the enemy. 

How new is this marriage/relationship?  

First, the two of you need to come to a resolution. Either you both are OK with you not having a relationship with her kids or she has to be OK with fixing the relationship with her kids and you. Either way something needs to give or it won't work. 

At this point it seems like you both are at a point that neither is giving in. Stubborn to a fault. 

Sadly without a compromise and understanding nothing will work. Cutting ties would be your only option. 

I hope you can find peace. Your blogs show how sad you are Sad

SoDisappointed's picture

Our one year anniversary is at the end of the month. I don’t want to disagree with you, but from where I sit I feel I have been very receptive to compromise. I have tried counseling, both individual and couples when this started. DW felt couples counseling was not doing any good, so that stopped and I started individual counseling. Somehow that’s when all of this became “my” issue rather than “our” issue. I have asked that we try couples counseling again and she said “it’s not her thing, but she would go”. I know that if both parties are not invested in counseling, it’s a waste of time and money. So I asked her to pick a counselor, make the appointment, and I would go and do lots of listening.  That was 4 weeks ago, and nothing. She does not want to go. 

After our first round of counseling failed, I was treated for depression because DW felt I was getting too hung up on all of this. I have since gotten off antidepressants because I don’t have a chemical imbalance, I have a DW that is not committed to our marriage and is willing to sacrifice it to somehow prove her love to her kids.

I found this site and have researched the hell out disengagement, and have been trying that for sometime now. She is resentful of me being hurt by her kids behavior and all I’m trying to do is save my sanity and maybe our marriage, but I think there’s not much in this so-called marriage to save. 

How is it that I am being stubborn?

dysfunctionally_blended's picture

I didn't mean that in a negative way at all. I say stubborn as you are finding disengagement to be succeasful for your well being. And are resentful of DW because you were forced to be disengaged. 

And DW cannot take off her kid glasses long enough to let the momma bear instinct lay to the side. 

It is a lose lose. UNLESS you both stop and figure it out. You staying disengaged and her resenting it doesn't allow for a happy marriage as you have seen. 

Disengagement works when both parties are on board. Referring to each other. Blended families work when both parties have the same expectations. And marriages work when there is compromise. 

Right now none of that is happening. 

I am not one to toss out separate and divorce. If someone didn't want things to work they wouldn't be here. Giving up doesn't relate to seeking help. 

In your case you have done all of that. You have sought help both together and you separate. What hasn't happened is your spouse hasn't particularly fully. What she has done, from reading here, is sitting and wait for you to make a move. And at the same time disvalued your feelings. A loving spouse does not act in that manner. Someone nearly buying their time acts in that manner. 

Are you ready to give up? Have you had a come to Jesus moment where you put it all out on the table, dirty secrets and all, and said "Here it is. Do you want to fix it and if so XYZ needs to be committed to and happen"? That is going to be a hard moment because you may not like the answer. But you will find peace. Which is what you need and fast. 

Sadly you seem to be spiraling. And that isn't fair to anyone to be forced into that position. 

Your issue isn't with skids. It is with your DW. Skids are adults and an afterthought. It is your DW who cannot let go of SKIDS resentment. Most likely of her but she is passing the buck your way because its easier. Honestly your DW NEEDS to participate in therapy and find her own peace with her children before asking you to do the same. 

SoDisappointed's picture

I agree with everything you wrote. She and her kids do not deal with emotions in a healthy way. None of them seek help in that regard. She has her head in the sand just ignoring the problems and wishing them away. This is the real world and marriage, even good marriages, take work and commitment on both sides to continue to grow. One sided relationships never work out. Love is a verb and it requires action. And actions, as they say, speak louder than words. Saying “I love you” and then all of this other crap makes me feel diminished in the relationship. 

I am spending the day by myself, my choice, because she and I cannot even talk anymore. Working on building a life outside of my marriage because I feel she is just bidding her time until I either completely give in to this crappy situation and continue this miserable existence, or she finds other living arrangements and moves out. 

Harry's picture

I understand you are not happy, what you say about SS, not liking you I can understand.  Not wanting a new man in his mother’s life.  You wife has to understand that her DS is wrong, and not being and adult.  But She has ti treat you like a husband.  She may have to see her DS by herself.  But SS will not be happy with any man in his mother’s life.  Gyour wife has to work it out by herself. 

SoDisappointed's picture

Since I have disengaged from all of her kids (because NPD OSS has poisoned the well - all 3 skids now have an issue with me), she sees all of her kids outside our home by herself. The problem is that after spending time with any of them (she was with MSS and his girlfriend last night), she comes home in this distant and cold mood, which quickly turns into her getting angry with me. All I have to do is ask if she is ok and it’s on. 

All I am asking for is to be treated like a husband. Maybe my view of that is not in line with hers. But as long as her kids continue to influence her, I will be an afterthought and somehow get blamed for it all. 

My view is that a marriage is a partnership in every sense of the word. We should have each other’s backs, no matter what. My wedding vows mean something to me, and apparently more than they do to her. Her kids are obviously more important than anything else. I get that, to a certain point. As a parent you should always be there when your kids need you. But that’s not the same as your kids being needy. With all that said, your marriage should ALWAYS be the priority in your life. 

These are things she needs to work out on her own. So I am giving her all the time and space this weekend to do that while I build a life outside of my marriage. Sad ☹️

fairyo's picture

You have done evrything you could- my friends say this to me over and over when I forget (as I did recently because it was the X's birthday and I felt sorry for him) I did everything I could- the only thing I couldn't do was make him want to commit to our relationship when he clearly didn't. 

You can't do more- when I finally realised this was when I walked and it was as if all the colour had returned to my life. Now I am back close to my family and they get on my nerves, but not as much as the silence and the indifference gradually wore away at my self-esteem. It is hard, tonight I want to phone him and tell him about my day but I can't. 

He doesn't phone me, he has expressed no interest in what I am doing, he clearly doesn't miss me. Be brave, let all that colour return that your DW has sucked out of you and become your best self. You have tried, you couldn't have done more. Please put your plan in place and move on... you will soon be happier than you thought you could be.

SoDisappointed's picture

What I don’t know is when to just give up. My last ditch effort will be to schedule a session with a couples councilor and see if DW attends. It will be that sign that she is at least committed enough to go. What is said in and outside of the sessions will tell me whether she is just going through the motions and bidding her time or actually putting forth effort. 

I do know that she and I can no longer do this on our own. Talking is doing more harm than good at this point. It’s exhausting and destructive to the threads of our marriage that remain. Our anniversary is in 17 days and I honestly see nothing to celebrate. ☹️

Exjuliemccoy's picture

I have a newish male friend who is currently separated from his wife, and as of this week it appears they will be divorcing. He is an educated professional with a degree in psych, and we've done a lot of talking about this as he wants female perspective. 

You and he are alike in that you both seem to be articulate, sensitive men who want meaningful dialogue with your spouses. You're willing to work hard on your relationships, want to problem solve, and love your wives deeply.

The problem is these women. These stunted, damaged, emotionally immature women who can't get a handle on their feelings long enough to have an honest conversation/negotiation with their husbands. They can't refute reasoned, rational talking points, so they persist in staying stuck in the emotional.  Like my friend, you must be so frustrated by this.

You can't make bricks without clay, and it takes two fully committed adults to make a marriage work. Your wife isn't bringing anything to the table for you to work with, and isn't taking responsibility for the baggage she brought to the marriage. You've been very patient, but she seems stuck in her own head and disinterested in fixing things. It may indeed be time to admit that she's simply not capable of change or doing any better as a parent.