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Need a reality check!

Snifflingsm's picture

I need a reality check! 

DH and I have a bio DD2. 

DH has SD9 every other week. BM has been constantly interrupting our parenting time for the past 3 years and including our 10 day family vacations and holidays. DH has told BM that he needs space from her constant contact and emails are only the acceptable form of communication. 

BM is very good at demeaning DH and me. She’s tried to cause arguments between my DH and I. So this is reason we limit physical interaction with BM as our kids don’t need to be exposed to this unhealthy behavior. 

For the past 8 weeks that I have been tracking this, the chaos the BM creates is sidetracking our time by constantly texting my DH about parenting time changes, rescheduling phone calls at a moments notice and directly impacting our time as a family. 

The constant need to rearrange the schedule is causing issues in the household and we have put boundaries down about blocking BM from contacting DH via text during our parenting time, BM now is showing up before SD9s school to corner DH to a face to face conversation.

BM has refused to communicate other than face to face.

DH and BM have also agreed to separate soccer games by parenting time, because SD9 has transition issues and extremely high anxiety. However, Today,  BM showed up at the soccer game hiding in her vehicle.  We politely asked her to join us on the sidelines instead of hiding, as this hiding behavior has been emerging in SD9 for about a year on and off. We thought we had nipped it in the bud, but it keeps emerging. 

Am I crazy or is the BMs behavior escalating into a stalker like behavior? BM has had a history of showing up unannounced at our family (DH, DD, SD, SM) events before, which we also created boundaries around. 

Not sure what to do about it!!!

Just need a reality check to make I am not losing it..... because I am living in it. Just hoping for objective comments and experienced SM or SD is this area. 




tog redux's picture

You are not going crazy - BM sounds quite possessive and jealous and intent on keeping herself front and center in DH's life. I'm going to guess you guys got married 3 years ago when this all started?

As crazy as it sounds, DH might have to get a restraining order on BM, though that will be hard because most of her behavior is disguised as "co-parenting". But one thing he should do for sure is not make ANY changes to the schedule, don't ask for them and don't accept them, even if they seem to benefit you. Also, he could go back to court and get Our Family Wizard ordered as the only means of communication.  And if she corners him at the school, he may have to make a scene to discourage her from doing that (or just stay in his car with the windows rolled up and allow SD9 to just walk in on her own).

Sorry, this stuff sucks.  But DH needs to really drop the hammer on her or this will go on forever.

Snifflingsm's picture


Yes, the BMs behavior started when I threw down the hammer 2 years ago. BM shows up inside the classroom to corner DH. Ugh!!!! 


All of our marriage issues are centered around the BM and SD. 

I am getting ready to throw down another hammer as these issues are now starting to impact my self care. 

By design, we only have one car and I am a stay at mom, so running around every time BM needs a change is impacting my self care and my time with my daughter. 

Do you think it would be possible for me to get a restraining order? 

tog redux's picture

It sounds like most of her behavior is directed at DH, right? So unless she gets aggressive in some way, or threatening, he probably can't get one either. She's smart enough to make it seem as if she's co-parenting vs. stalking.

BUT, he can stop allowing all of the changes that BM asks for. That's just her way of controlling everything.  He can, in fact, just flat out ignore any requests for changes and stick to the court order.

Snifflingsm's picture

Yes most of the acts are directed to DH. But she seems to be escalating quickly, one day she forgot the soccer bag SD needed and told DH she would drop the bag off at our house one evening. WTF! We told her no that SD had everything she needed for soccer, we went that night and bought her own set for this home, and BM still continued to text and demand to know what that meant! Oh I don’t know, maybe it means SD has everything she needs for soccer. (Sarcasm)

tog redux's picture

If he sets limits, it will likely escalate before it gets any better.

I hope he ignored her after he told her SD had everything she needed. Ignoring can really work wonders.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

DH needs to go "low contact" with her. He should follow the court order to the letter and not ask for changes or allow changes. He may have to go back to court and get it ordered that all contact goes through Family Wizard.

In the meantime, if he has told her he only wants to communicate via email, then that is what he should do. He should ignore all texts and phone calls and only respond to emails that are urgent and that really require a response. She wants his attention, even if it is negative, and she is going to do anything to get it. Everytime he responds, he feeds her need for contact. Once he starts really ignoring her, she will get worse before she gets better.

Her trying to ambush him in person is tough. He should do his best to avoid her and leave if he can. If she becomes abusive, you may have to get a restraining order. I realize he needs to be aware of how he is percieved if they are in a public place, but you can absolutely refuse to let her on your property.

Check out mrcustodycoach - he has some good information on how to go low contact with with a high conflict BM.

shamds's picture

And a formal certified or registered letter notifying her about pick up drop off times and calls as per court order. Letter needs to state as per court order what the times are and you must state in writing that if she arrives at their home unannounced when permission has not been granted (eg pickups & dropoffs) that police will be called for her trespassing.

she will likely amp up her behavioir and threaten you all but stand your ground to know you won’t tolerate this behaviour

she sounds like a narcissist and unfortunately they think they’re above the law

justmakingthebest's picture

I agree. I think some kind of cease and desist letter should be drawn up and sent to her. If she continues, time for a RO. 

Snifflingsm's picture

Here we go again, BM has just sent an email inciting fear of SD9 emotional state insisting all parents meet face to face or however we can meet face to face instead of using email. Ploy? Or what should we do??? Call Sd9 therapist? 

Fyi, after disengaging for almost a year SD9 has now wanted hugs from me. I got two last week. 

Siemprematahari's picture

Do not entertain her emails. If its that serious contact SD's therapist but do not respond. She's harrassing you all and ramping up the crazy. It needs to be shut down ASAP.

Snifflingsm's picture

It doesn’t sound serious as she’s just keeps insisting on meeting face to face to talk so she can share her ideas about what we can do in our home. I mean wouldn’t you just email those ideas if that is the form of communication put it place. Btw we don’t even have SD9 this week.