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First Wife Returns

smcpaw's picture

We have not seen my boyfriend's daughter since the last huge explosion last year. If you remember, her mother tries to run her house and our house. I used to welcome her into our home for her daughter's sake, but that backfired. You see, my boyfriend has been divorced from his ex-wife since their daughter was 4 (she is now 16). The mother and daughter have manipulated my boyfriend for a long time - he used to mow her lawn, shovel the driveway, the ex-wife still attends all family functions on my boyfriend's side of the family "because she has been in the family for a long time"... The daughter refuses to live by the rules of our house and mommy runs to the rescue every time her father tries to discipline or set rules. The daughter doesn't mind if I am in their lives, but not in my boyfriend's family functions because mom feels uncomfortable. You get the picture - I'm the outsider.

My boyfriend made the mistake of calling the ex-wife to ask when she was going to be able to take the furniture that was my boyfriend's mother and he is passing them down to his daughter. The ex-wife proceeded to ask his assistance in finding a plumber, finding a person to remodel her bathroom and the proceeded to complain about how she got the daughter and he "got the better end of the deal - me". First of all, he misses not seeing his daughter. Second of all, we aren't allowed to have a relationship unless mommy is running the show... She then showed up at our house 15 minutes after she hung up the phone with a tape measure and measured the furniture, told him she would probably be able to accept the furniture sometime next week, but she would let him know and she only wanted to take certain pieces.

The following day, she called him again to tell him about how she caught the daughter lying about a boy she was not allowed to see anymore...

I got upset with my boyfriend for opening Pandora's box. I am somewhat jealous, but she really shouldn't be calling upon him for household problems - I understand the issues with his daughter, but after all, she created the problem, she should solve it...

She also suggested that my boyfriend have breakfast or do something alone with his daughter because she is so against our relationship. Excuse me, we have been together for almost 4 years, she is not 4 years old, my daughter has to accept that we are together (she is 17 and I left my x-husband 5 years ago and it was extremely hard on my daughter), why shouldn't her daughter be made to understand she is not going to dictate her father's life.

Any thoughts or suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.


happy's picture

like the all together connection is strange with the family after so long.
Ex-Wife needs to get her own life and find her own handy man.. Its very annoying and insensitive to you. Any of us actually.

I am very confused on the part of just because you have kids with someone why the "I own him" syndrome sets in. I do not understand that at all.

Your husband needs to short and frank with her on what they will discuss. And I think as far as him spending time with his daughter one and one that is fine but maybe it should be his terms not hers. And I also agree his daughter needs to deal with reality. Reality is you are with him. End of discussion. You are not going away so that is that..

There I said what I had to .. I hope I helped..

Little Jo's picture

The kid problems, yeah I understand, to a point. Sound like we have a similar BM. She lets the girls do want ever they want, then complains to BF when they get out of hand, then the girls think he's some kind of hard ass. But what ever. At least we get to talk to the girls to help explain things.

The f'en house problems. Oh no. If the house burnt down, then ok. But the lawn, the plumbing, remodeling. Hell no!

The family functions!!! Are you kidding me!!! I'm so mad I can't even talk!

'First wife returns', sounds like she never LEFT!!

I'm sorry, that just burnt me up. Hang in there lady!

Bonus Wife's picture

Gosh, I wish I could honestly say the thoughts I think...When our ex called to ask who my husband used years ago last time "their" tree fell down...and she thought maybe he could call them and have them go over...I thought.."Whoa Lady....haven't you heard of Yellow Pages?" But, I can't say it. Our ex is really a nice person. Clueless I think...or maybe not...who knows??

Gwen's picture

"our" ex, bonus wife -- I say that sometimes, "my" ex wife, so that makes me laugh. So true! Smile

stamina's picture

Not everyone feels this way. Personally, I am indifferent about my ex. I don't want him so if someone else wants an angry, alcoholic who does nothing but complain (and he does have a partner who he also complains about bitterly), that is great.

Gwen's picture

your Amicable Divorce rants make me fall off my chair laughing. Sooooooo true. It's a special kind of hell, ain't it Smile It's so great to hear someone else feeling that way. We should be very proud of us that we are strong enough to SMILE and PLAY NICE the whole damn way. Because It's The Right Thing To Do. Uggghhh. Keep 'em coming!

Bonus Wife's picture

In fact, I just found out that the BM will probably be at my Sd's show tonight even though she went to all three already this weekend....can't let us enjoy one night alone w/o her at an event. Since the divorce was "amicable" I'm actually contemplating inviting her to sit with us so she doesn't have to sit alone. I don't bite....yet!!!

happy's picture

That is very nice of you..

I know with my ex husband he and his family and gf all of them we all went to my kids dance thing at a college and we all sat together and it was actually good. My inlaws came and me and my husband sat there in a row with my ex mom in law and then the rest on down the line.. SO its not bad, but then again I do not sit and talk about the past with my ex or his family. Nor would I..

Now the ex-wife in my husbands case she is different.. She wants to sit pretty much by him and stuff.. and bring up the past.. It just makes me want to say something like yeah he is awesome in bed.. LOL I just can't get rid of my immature thoughts.. But I am wise or wide enough not to say it out loud.. lOL..

Just wanted to comment..

Bonus Wife's picture

Happy, I fantasize about saying just One Little Sentence that would put her in her place and perhaps nip it in the bud so the future can be different. Whats scarey to me is I have that personality that could allow me to actually say it someday....Or I may just come out and say..."****, listen, this is really not appropriate conversation, can we change it please?" Thank you! or I can start bringing up something about my ex to her, and if new hubby squirms...maybe he should know in the future to make sure the conversation with the ex never starts....What do you think? Yes or No?

happy's picture

Because I like you usually pretty much always speak my mind. Except in this case because you know it would cause all kinds of crap... SO I will just sit back until I get really tired of it.. Then I will call her and speak my peace.. She may not even know she is doing it at all. But then again she is a woman.. And usually we know.. ITs our nature..

I hear you though loud and clear.. I think say it and let her know.. Then you will not have to look around when it does come out and say "Did I do that" quoting Urkel?