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Should I contribute or stay disengaged?

SM12's picture

Backstory....DH has three sons.  OSS22 and MSS17 are PASd by BM.   No contact from OSS in over two years.  No known reason as he won’t respond to DH.    There was no contact other than snarky mean text messages from MSS for over a year until recently. 

Miss is the quiet one who just went mute and dropped out of our lives for reasons we don’t really know.  MSS was always the mouthy hateful one who would spew venom and nasty texts to DH whenever he felt the need.  However, recently MSS has been making contact with DH again.  At first, about a month ago MSS sent DH a text blaming him for all the shit wrong in his life.  Let me say that DH wasn’t a perfect parent, none of us are.  But he was a very attentive father an loved his kids.  BM started PAS shortly after we got together and DH stopped being her whipping boy.

Back to MSS.  After MSS sent his text blaming DH for all the ills of the world, DH refused to fight or argue.  He just told MSS he loved him and was here whenever he wanted to see him or talk.  Slowly MSS has been texting a bit more.  He will ask a quick question and then go silent again.  But at least it isn’t hateful. 

Now the kicker.  MSS plays football. The players send out flyers asking for donations to help with the cost of camp.  We got the letter this year and it was addressed to me only.  Under relationship to player it has him listed as my step son.  Now that in itself is shocking because he has never liked me.  And my name was spelled correctly which makes me believe it may have been BM who sent it.

now part of me wants to donate some amount in the hopes it helps build the relationship with MSS and DH. And part of me is terrified to have MSS back in our lives.  He has always been a nasty vile kid who would lie and be hateful when he didn’t get his way.   I have no idea if he has changed since I disengaged years ago and he has been PASd.   

Yea DH could contribute and leave me out if it.  However the letter was addressed to me specifically and I handle all the money so I would be the one to pay it even if it were addressed to DH ( if DH asked me to).  I’m not talking. Our huge sums of money.  Maybe $50-$100 buck.  Could even be less.  

My main concern contribute and take a chance MSS comes back for DHs sake or leave it alone?


susanm's picture

I highly doubt that he would even hear about it if you did donate.  If it is anything like the "requests" sent out by my skids when they were in activities, the kids were told to provide names of everyone they could possibly think of in their lives to their parents and the parents fill out the forms.  When the money cames in to the school it was handled by the booster club.  They never knew who donated and who did not.

futurobrillante99's picture

Never give hoping for a certain outcome or response from someone else.

If you felt like giving out of love for your SS, then do it, by all means.

However, if you're thinking of giving to rebuild a broken relationship between 2 other people - save your money. You will only create more resentment towards SS.

Siemprematahari's picture

I agree with Futurobrillante99! Only contribute if you want to but never out of trying to mend their relationship. It's going to take a heck of a lot more to heal their relationship then contributing money for football. I hope in the future that they are able to rebuild and create a strong relationship. It's a tragedy when the other parent PAS'd their kids.

nengooseus's picture

If you were to donate even one penny to MSS, you would be turning what little progress has been made into little more than a quid pro quo.  He's not awful to your DH, so he gets a cookie.  That's a hard no from me.

tog redux's picture

Let DH decide what to do. Since I don't really understand how the donation process works, I'm not sure if it's him with his hand out, or him trying to include you guys as "parents".  Since MSS isn't asking directly, it doesn't seem quite like a money grab to me.  Have you donated in the past?


ESMOD's picture

I would simply give the sheet to your DH.  If he wants to have a check sent to support his kid.. let him make that decision.. (even though you might ultimately write the check).

Harry's picture

Never ends well.  Any child who the first thing is to asked for money is not trying to rebuild a relationship 

SM12's picture

I guess I was starting to soften a bit and probably would be making a mistake by donating.  In fact, before total PAS happened, the only time we saw MSS or OSS was when they wanted something.  I agree it would seem like we are back to the same cycle I had to break DH from....paying for their attention.  Once that stopped, so did their contact. 

I will just leave it.  If DH wants to donate, that is on him.  I’m not spending a dime of my money to help a kid who was nothing but nasty to me and even worse to DH.  

And not to ignore questions....they money goes directly to the player toward his costs for camp.  And yes, they know who donates and who doesn’t because BM got nasty with DH last year when he didn’t donate because MSS was PASd

futurobrillante99's picture

If anyone asks why you didn't contribute, you never got the letter. I'd chuck it in the bin as it's YOUR mail - it was addressed to you. Your DH doesn't need to know it even existed.

SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

Soften? Why? So these self-entitled narcissistic greedy assholes can take advantage of you again?

Exjuliemccoy's picture

The gall and entitlement of First Family beggars never ceases to astound me. These are the sort of rapacious people who truly only see others as a resource to be tapped.

This is not a winnable scenario because you'll be vilified no matter what you do. Therefore, the only way to win is not to play.

Stay disengaged.

SM12's picture

I disengaged years ago when MSS and BM started spewing nonsense and lies about me.  I decided I would just remove myself from the game and see how they liked that.  I was no longer available for their convenience and it bit them in the fanny.  I was not even an option for drop offs, pick ups, running kids to practice... nada.   My life improved ten fold when I just stopped caring.   My DH didn’t like it at first but knew I was either disengaging or divorcing.   Now he gets it completely.   I will just continue as I have for the past several years and disengage. No money can be had from a person they treat as if she doesn’t exist!!!


Exjuliemccoy's picture

Exactly! Skids will always interpret kindness as weakness. Good on you for not being a patsy.