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And the cycle continues

SM12's picture

Back Story:   

BM has PASd oss21 and mss17 to the point they hate DH.  DH has done nothing wrong but BM has bashed him repeatedly to the point they make up Imaginary offenses and refuse contact.   It started slowly at first with the “you never take us to do fun things” crap as well as “you never buy us...(insert the demand of the moment) DH works weekend and BM uses that as a nail to drive through his heart with the SSs.  Every missed ballgame, BM was bashing DH to the SSs.   Every time he worked late they were rude and nasty to DH.  You get the point.

After a few years of DH trying to fight the PAS and tolerating their horrible behavior, he finally gave up.   He hasn’t seen it talked to them in two years.  

That leaves yss12...he has been pro DH all along.   He says his brothers are the ones at fault and treat DH badly.   

Dh didn’t get to see YSS last because he had to work out of town. We are supposed  to get YSS tonight.  Last night he text DH and starts the whole guilt trip crap that is straight out of the mouth of BM. “your job has you work too much” “we never do things together” And now YSS is dictating when he will and won’t come.  Just like the older two started.  

Dh had a feeling BM would start this crap soon enough.  This is the age she started with the older two.   

I lived this with DH the first two rounds....I am

already to throw my hands up and give in.  I’m praying this doesn’t throw DH into a Disney dad to buy YSSs love.  It won’t work...the force is strong with BM. 

Gawd I hate her!




justmakingthebest's picture

I can't imagine going throug this with 3 kids. One is bad enough. 

I don't know what the right move is to make, but I would think that after living through 2 kids that have been PAS'ed you guys would be on to the disney dad and it not working routine. 

Does your DH pay CS? Becasue I have a feeling that the first words out of my mouth over a kid complaining that my husband "works too much" would be, well he wouldn't have to work so much if he didn't have to send so much money to your mother since she can't work enough or get paid well enough to actually provide for you. Maybe instead of me you should be mad at her for NOT working enough!

SM12's picture

DH pays more than his CS.  Technically OSS has aged out and could be removed from his CS but because he is in college, DH wanted to wait to have him removed.   The CS he pays is reasonable and would potentially increase if the judge were to review it so he is leaving that alone for a little while longer.

Survivingstephell's picture

Dh can try and fight it.  Tell him to be frank with YSS and point out the game BM is playing and ask YSS WHY BM would do that?  Why does his mother want him to hate his dad???  Each and everytime point it out and ask why, what's the point, etc.....  Critical thinking skills are important to teach YSS, he is stuck with his mother and brothers for the rest of his life.  He will need to know how to manage them.  

My DH has 4 kids with BM.  She managed to estrange 3 of them.  YSD 18  is the only one that still has a relationship with her father and he worked hard at pointing things out and teaching her to think for herself.  Its not perfect and BM is still trying but the groundwork he laid is solid.  Facts are your friend in this fight.  The rest is up to the skid.  Some win, some lose the fight but sending a skid back to his mother with questions about why she wants him to hate his father and exposing her game is fun.  Just like Rags says, bare her stupid ass.  

Ispofacto's picture

Asking questions is better than telling, it triggers a different cognitive part of the brain.  So instead of telling SS why DH works, ask SS why DH works.  Walk him through the whole situation.  Ask him if he does his friends' homework at school.  Ask him why not.  Ask him if it's fair for one adult to not work while the other one pays all the bills.  Etc.  He needs to start asking himself these questions.


SM12's picture

DH and I had a talk about how to handle this today.  He is picking YSS up after work and is going to talk with him about where this sudden attitude is coming from.  He is going to flat out ask if this is something BM is saying in front of him.  

To be honest...I still see YSS being PASd in time.   But I don’t think it will be as easy as it was for her with the older two. 

tog redux's picture

I don't think I could survive 3 kids PASing out.  I barely survived the one.

I agree with Ipsofacto, DH should sit him down and ask him questions. Stimulate critical thinking.  And don't be afraid to bring up the fact that there is pressure at BM's to hate DH, since he already knows that from having lost 2 other kids.

SM12's picture

It’s been hell.  Our marriage barely survived the first two PAS’ing.  That was because BM was grooming the SSs to use me as the scapegoat.   That backfired on her when I 100% disengaged from them.   They had nothing they could blame me for.  Then they started on DH terribly.   

DH finally got to the point he was ok with not having a relationship with the older two.  He wasn’t focused on it.  And now this.  In reality, we knew it was going to start soon.  BM started around the same age with the other two.   Just hoping this time it doesn’t push DH over the edge.