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Well I finally did it.

Skinvasion's picture

This past Monday I finally told my DH that out blended family wasn't working out and that I wanted a divorce.  I was honest with him that I did not love him like a wife should but I was also as kind as possible about it.  Well, he obviously didn't take it well that night.  Being told your spouse is not in love with you can't be easy to hear.  He is currently going through a custody battle over SD6 so the next night we sat down and calmly talked out the dissilusion of our marriage in the most peaceful way we can. He agreed that we are better off as friends.  He asked if I could hold off on filing for divorce until after is custody hearing in March so it didn't affect his case.  I told him that was fine because I'm not wanting to date or anything.  We also decided that we would try and continue to live with one another until then so that we could both get our finances in order.  Generally speaking we get along okay, so I think it could work.  Although I'm ready to get my house back to myself, I need to bare with this situation so my kids and I won't have to struggle too much when he leaves with his extra income.  

Last night we talked some more and he's been looking for houses.  He was telling about one and actually sounded excited about it! He also asked me if I could teach him how to cook a little so he could cook for his kids.  I told him on the weeks my kids were with their dad, I would teach him how to cook, but I would not be cooking for him and his kids when my kids are gone.  We are basically roomates now.  We also came up with a new budget so that he pays rent and half the utilities, internet, and groceries.  He'll take care of his kids and I'll take care of mine.  

I know some of you are thinking, how is it any different than what it was like before if he and his kids aren't leaving, but somehow it is.  I look at him and his kids more as tennents than family and it seems to help ease my frustrations.  And I know there is (hopefully) a non-messy end in the near future where I have my house back and my finances set up to support my kids and myself alone.  There have been no arguements about splitting our things.  The house and all of the contents in it were mine before we got married so he isn't trying to go for any of that.  He basically has to start from scratch.  The only thing we have gotten together in the last 3 years are our 2 dogs.  He doesn't want them so I'm good there.  

Has anyone else been through a peaceful split? Is it possible or are we just living in a dream world? Or has anyone started off amicably, but then it turned into a nightmare? Help guide me through this.  We are keeping it under wraps for right now from everyone, including the kids.  


futurobrillante99's picture

Mine was painful but quick and easy because I had a post nuptial. Everything was already decided. We were divorced in 90 days from filing and 6 months after I left him to move into my own house.


Skinvasion's picture

It's better but not done.  I have the option of kicking him out at any point and he knows it.  He does NOT want his BM to find out because he's afraid it will give him the upper hand in court.  One of the reasons he got temp full custody was because he was married to me so the judge assumed it was the more stable home. If he starts getting out of control I'll tell him to go early and tell BM myself.  

tog redux's picture

If he thinks one hearing will settle his custody issues, he's sadly mistaken.  I wouldn't wait until March, that's not likely to be the final time he goes to court, and it could drag out a long time.

Do what's best for you. 

Skinvasion's picture

I'm going to try and get to March.  If it's not over then I'm just going to have to tell him time's up.  I'm not putting my life and the life of my kids on hold because he and his ex wife can't come to a sensable agreement. 

Letti.R's picture

I am sorry your marriage is dissolving.
I would advise you get his date of moving out down in writing - serve him notice now so that you have that base covered.
Structure it so that it is that specific date or sooner (circumstances dependent), so that he doesn't drag his feet in March if the custody issue isn't settled.

It can be amicable if you are both mature in how you handle it, but it can also deteriorate quickly, so expect the best, but plan for the worst.

When I split with my ex fiancé, I was staying in his house.
I called it off (stepkids!!) and moved out the same week, staying with my best friend for a week before I got a place of my own.
Dragging out the time can make things difficult, clean break with no emotional attachments is best.

Skinvasion's picture

I like the idea of getting everything we've verbally agreed on in writing.  Also a date he will leave by.  His dad and him and very close and his dad is very vindictive.  The only reason I'm not too worried about it is that I have so much evidence and witnesses to his drinking and he knows I can use it against him in his case if I chose too.  I will defenately will get everything in writing.  All the furniture in the house was mine before the marriage and all the equity in the house was gifted to me by my parents when I bought the house from them.  He can't touch that by law in our state.  

hereiam's picture

Get everything in writing and official, now, while you have the upper hand and he needs you to give him this time. No need to rely on evidence and witnesses and drag this out when the time comes. Have your ducks already in a row. Anything can happen between now and then.

futurobrillante99's picture

Def get a post nuptial agreement since you have the upper hand.

CLove's picture

Well, things have started off amicably enough. Read some history and your DH drinks whiskey and pees the bed and himself. Gets pissed drunk. And his 6 yo cannot dress herself. And the other ss cannot do his own homework. So, it seems there is a LOT of dysfunction there to deal with.

When you start your process, please lawyer up first. Also, do not wait until march to divorce. Tax reasons, emotional reasons, household reasons. Things start off ok, then he gets sobered up, starts thinking and feeling and then the ch!t will hit the fan. It hasnt been good for a while. But once your soon to be ex realizes exactly WHAT he is losing and his friends/family chime in, it WILL get bad. Possibly. Probably.

My Dh, was separated not divorced when we started our relationship. He had already been separated for 1.5 years before we got together. Things went along semi-amicably even with me in the picture, and with a boyfriend in the picuture UNTIL THE DIVORCE PROCESS STARTED, then it got REALLY BAD. She claimed it was because of social security benefits, she wanted him to "hold off" until 10 year mark. What we found out is that in California after 10 years, its alimony in perpetuity, as well as she would be able to receive social security benefits based off his income. She was working as a "teacher" for the school district, so she wasnt paying into social security at all, so this was her deal to get more money for retirement. She also has her teachers retirement fund, but of course she wanted more.

And it became all about the money, and assets.

Please look out for yourself. Your being nice about holding off could bite you in the "end".

Ispofacto's picture

DH's custody case was supposed to be over in 6 mo.  It lasted 2 yrs.


BethAnne's picture

Congratualtions on your decison and the smooth handling of everything so far. I hope it continues for you.

I would have thought though that your husband would be better off if he moved out asap and set up his own stable home before his hearing in March. That way he can show that he is ready for the children, rather than having this come out on accident before then or having BM filing for another hearing after the March one when he does move out. He should at least talk it all through with his lawyer. This is just my gut instinct with no knowledge or experience.

Livingoutloud's picture

I had a peaceful divorce and have been always in frurjdly terms with ex. We co parented well. 

But he never used me like yours does, didn’t fake financial advantage of me  and most certainly wasn’t a drunk pissing all over the house.

Waiting till March is unreasonable. File now and he needs to leave. Now. Well within 30 days max. And he shouldn’t have full  custody of SD. 

thinkthrice's picture

you give him the old heave ho, the better!