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Grown stepdaughter and stepson are thorns in my side

Shortbread Cookie's picture

Short summary...

Husband and I are in our upper 40's.

Have known husband for total of 8 years

Seriously dated husband for 3 years

Married husband 2 years ago

We have been trying to have a baby together

He has a grown son and daughter (both in upper 20's) their bio-mom lives miles away, talks trash about me and my hubsand to the stepkids, and she never loved my husband when she was married to him.

Stepkids have always had a under-the-radar manipulation and hatred towards me. They won't let their dad see any glimpse of it. They only do it when he isnt around.....BUT THE KICKER IS:  THEY STILL LIVE IN THE HOUSE with us!!!!!   He had always made excuses of them not being ready to be on their own yet!!!  How is it going take? I told him they need to be out by next summer!!!!

My marriage is based on our love and know that we are soulmates....but the whole 2 yrs of our marriage has been a constant emotional struggle for me...always arguing with my husband over the sneaky and disrepectful things his kids do, that he doesnt want see.    Its sad that this is really the only bad area in our marriage (that looks like I might be the one that will lose in the long run!)

Because of events and grown stepdaughter's clingyness, I told my husband before we got married that I will not compete with his daughter for HIM.   ....FAST FORWARD- I'm still feeling like his grown daughter is so overly jealous and clingy and acts like she is his wife....they act like gatekkeepers over their dad...Dammit I'm tired of trying to get my husband to see them for who they are and to get them to move out!!! And to get my husband to put more effort towards this marriage to me and to stop doing and saying things to patch up the problem instead of fixig the problem!!!

Any sggestions on how to help open my husband's eyes to their manipulation and to his refusal to make them move out?  Thanks.


CLove's picture

Reading these boards and others posts, will help you to formulate a better plan. When I first got on here, a few years ago, it was like the light shone down from the heavens above. There are standard phrases that will help you better express your feelings.

For example the term "mini wife"

The concept of enabling to the point of disabling.

Disney Dad/Guilty about the divorce Dad

If hes the ostrich dad that refuses to launch the kiddos, then you can also look up posts on the adult section of the Forum

Welcome to the site!

You and I both know that upper 20's is plenty old enough to be out there, and out of the house. Perhaps put on a video copy of "failure to launch".

Research "Mini-wife" and mention these words along with "emotional incest" in the same sentence when speaking with your husband.

Really no parent wants to hear anything negative about their kids, so you have to act concerned about their welfare...

"Im concerned your children arent living their life to the fullest" instead of "I want them gone and off the parental tit".

"Im wanting the best for them" instead of "I cant stand the sound of their footsteps or breathing".

"They need to be strong and independent, to find their own way in the world will do this!" instead of "I want my own kid and dont want to keep supporting kids I didnt make".


Shortbread Cookie's picture

Thanks for the insight CLove.

I'm new to this site. And needed an outlet because husband just isnt hearing me. 

Merry's picture

Another failure to launch story. I'm so sorry.

Are his kids working? In school? Do they pay rent, or contribute to the household through chores or responsibilities? Do they know how to read a bank statement and pay their own bills? Can they buy grocieries and cook a meal?

You know, basic life skills. Lots of parents ABUSE their children by not parenting them in the direction of an independent life. They cripple their children for their own sick (or guilty) purposes, or because it's "easier" to just do whatever it is themselves instead of fighting about it. No matter, it's wrong.

And you are paying the price.

They need a launch plan -- survival skills as I mentioned, and a deadline. Insist that they get jobs if they aren't working, and charge them rent. This is your DH"s responsibility, not yours. Any discord is already "your fault" since you are the one upsetting their little dysfunctional world. Please, please don't believe one utterance about anything being your fault. YOU are the normal one living in bizarro world.

Simultaneously, think about your own boundaries. What can and can't you tolerate? Assuming they are making progess toward launching, how long can you tolerate them in your home? Three months? Six months? A year? What happens at the end of the timeframe when they don't leave?

Sometimes it takes leaving the situation for a time. Others here have done that, and I was ready to do so as well and my DH knew I would. Happily, he was more afraid of losing me than losing them. He hasn't lost any of us, and his kids are now fully launched, independent, and off our payroll. He's proud of them, and so am I. But damn, it was a hard slog.

Keep us posted. Keep asking questions here. This is a community of warriors.

SacrificialLamb's picture

You need for your DH to realize these things on his own. If you keep trying to get him to see what you see, you will always be the bad guy.  REad up on the Karpman Drama Triangle.

Even if you do get him to see, he will still want to defend his children. You have to decide if he's worth it.  Sounds to me like he is more afraid of losing his kids than losing you, which is common at this point.

you absolutely do not want to have a baby with him at this point. He needs to launch his kids or you need to move out.