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Update on DW wanting skids to move in

Landi's picture

In my previous forum entry, I mentioned that I was coming under pressure to allow the DW's 2 skids to move in because they're allegedly being mistreated by her ex husband and his new girlfriend. It's a long weekend for us and the skids have been at my place since Wednesday evening. SD has an upper respiratory tract infection and is coughing. All of us in the household, as well as her brother, SS, have had the same bug, and it's really just an annoying cough and some phlegm.

SD did have medications but forgot these at her dad's place on Wednesday when my wife went to pick her up. Fortunately we did have cough syrup at home and flu medication left because, as I said, previously all of us had the same bug. We gave her some cough and flu meds Wednesday night and again some Thursday morning (she woke me and my wife up and my wife got up to give her some more.)

Lo and behold, DW's wife's phone rings Thursday morning, not half an hour after my wife getting up to give SD more meds. It's her ex husband on the line, tearing into DW because we're "ignoring the SD and endagering her life." Seems SD sent a text to her dad complaining that we did not have an asthma inhaler ready for her at our place. I saw the texts, hysterical and melodramatic, ending with "daddy, daddy, please come fetch me!!!!"

Well, gee, whizz! Firstly SD does NOT have asthma, none of us has asthma either, so why would we have an asthma inhaler on standby? Secondly, should one really give a child who hasn't been diagnosed by an MD with asthma medication for a cough? Thirdly, whose fault was it that she forgot her meds at home?                                           

Now this SD is the same one who complains that her BD, my wife's ex, is neglecting her and her brother. The same little brat who's prepared to lie in a text to the allegedly neglectful dad and hysterically demand that he comes and picks her up? I'm kind of glad this happened, in a way, because I'm no longer going to believe the stories about the way the stepkids are being treated at my wife's ex husband's home. If he's really such a terrible father, how come his daughter wanted him to come and collect her? If you ask me, I'm being manipulated with BS here.

 

fairyo's picture

It is very dangerous to give asthma medication to someone who does not have asthma. They are useless against infection anyway. Viral chest infections, ie after a cold, do not respond to anti-biotics either and will go away eventually. If a child is breathless and has a persistent cough after a week or so then seek medical advice-otherwise leave alone and treat the fever and symptoms.

elkclan's picture

Both my son and I have been given temporary scripts to the same inhalers asthmatics use following respiratory infections when the infection got so bad it was hard to breathe and neither of us have asthma. However, this should only be given on prescription and if it were on prescription it is indeed BD's responsibility to ensure that all prescription drugs were part of the handover. 

On the other hand, OP I think you're grasping at straws here. It's very clear that you do not want these children living with you. You need to have a real heart to heart with your wife and tell her so and come to some resolution. Personally, I would not be with a person who would not accept my child full time if the other custodial situation didn't work out. I am 100% prepared to take in my partner's children tomorrow if need be. It is also not clear to me that your SD lied - you did not have an inhaler on hand (this isn't your fault). It is also not clear to me that she is a brat. She's a sick child and sick children are often whiney, needful and wanting comforts of the familiar. You seem to be poisoning your own mind against these children. 

Landi's picture

I don't see any reason why I, by myself, should be financially responsible for funding and raising 2 kids I did not bring in to the world. Their dad is a deadbeat who stopped paying maintenance, and their mom does not contribute.

Call me unreasonable, but the kids other people created, did not suddenly become my problem to fund and raise just because we got married. If I, as a single person, want my kids to come and live with you as my future partner, surely it's ethical and moral to tell your prospective spouse about this before you get married?

hereiam's picture

Your wife needs to get a full time job so that she can support her children.

What would she do if she was not married to you? She would have to work to support them.

Landi's picture

She does have a full time job, however she has huge amounts of debt, so her most of her salary goes towards repaying the debt (and some of it towards her daughter's school fees etc) Her nett monetary contribution towards our household is zero. So if her kids were to come and live with us, I'd be supporting all of them, because her ex is a deadbeat, and this cannot be right. I was not told before we got married that this was my DW's wish, so I'm sorry, I'm not about to take full financial and parental responsibilities for 2 kids that are not biologically mine.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

So ummmm.... I have two skids... They're with us full time... Ever penny DH gets goes to debt that BM caused... And BM is useless ditched the kids for over a year, has NEVER given a penny to them, and we haven't seen a penny of the court ordered CS... So I work full time and am supporting 2 kids that I didn't create.

I'm not going to say I'm some kind of saint, definitley am not, DH will be getting a job (he's using his GI bill) in the next few weeks to take some of the financial burden off of me. However, I knew when I married my DH that he had 2 kids, regardless of custody then (she was ditching them months at a time) there is ALWAYS a possibilibty that BM could just never come back for them, or that she could just pass away tomorrow. Which means a possibility these kids become solely DH's responsibility.

As his spouse, they'd also fall under my jurisdiction. Because 1) I don't believe in kids suffering just because BM is forking nightmare. 2) My DH needs some help too, ,I refuse to throw everything at him and say, hey, you're married, but congrats on being a single parent while I prance around throwing money at random s*** and you work 6 jobs so I never see you just to support them. If its really so big a deal maybe have your DW look at second jobs then so that she can support them further financially.

I'm not saying a stepparent should have to fully financially fund the kids, in fact idealy the parent should take on the bulk of that. However, there's a possibility that the kids are going to be with you full time. And as I'm sure you also knew about her debt when you came into the marriage (Which is lucky, my DH had it thrown at us when BM defaulted on stuff she took out WHILE HE WAS DEPLOYED and he didn't even know about) so you knew she likely wouldn't be financially contributing a whole ton...

I get being upset, I really do, some days I'm beyond stressed, and I wish that I wasn't supporting so many people and that my DH didn't have so much debt. But the reality is. He has kids, he came into the marriage with debt, and I love him. 

There's ALWAYS a chance that the kids are going to be with you full time. And the ex bieng a useless POS doesn't mean that it's not true. We're expecting to get exactly $0 EVER on CS. 

You aren't going to be told that, however the kids are always going to be a possibility, that's the reality of marrying someone with kids. They have a responsibility to those kids, and if your DW really believes that they're being abused, I'm sure it's causing her heartache as well that you won't help her get them out of that situation simply for monetary reasons.

Aniki's picture

I would love this post, if I could!

PA, you make SO MANY valid points!!! I will NEVER understand why anyone who gets involved with a person with kids assumes those kids are "optional". The custodial parent could die, become incapacitated, be unfit - any number of things - and the NCP suddenly has custody. I've seen people claim that if they'd known their significant others/spouses would get primary custody, they never would have married them. But, but, but! That was always a possibility!

Ideally, couples have children because they WANT them. And I don't know many people who get married already anticipating divorce. So... is it unnatural for a divorced parent to WANT their kids??

TheBrightSide's picture

I don't believe its my financial responsibility to pay for children that I did not create.  They already have parents.  If both parents live a reckless debt-filled life, I am not, by function of a marriage, responsible to pay said children.

I have NO LEGAL RIGHT to someone elses children, so why the hell should I have to pay for them.

Hindsight being 20/20, the OP should have had a heart to heart with his future betrothed and let her know where he stands on his financial responsibility.

I'm currently in a relationship (not officially cohabitating) with a man who works hard and pays child support and alimony because his ex does not to work.  I've made it crystal clear that I will never enable him to pay her a penny more than what the divorce documents outline. 

Prior to our official cohabitation, we will enter into a formal agreement.  What's mine is mine and what's yours is yours should we ever part ways.

Burned once.  Never again.

 

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

Not saying he has to financially fund the skids. I even suggested earlier in the post that maybe his DW should look at a second job.

He needs to let her know where he stands. What I am saying though, is that there's alwasy the possibility that the skids will end up with him full time. That's a simple fact of marrying someone with kids.

And while I get the whole debt thing, he knew about that prior as well. It's not a surprise that was suddenly thrust on him.

justmakingthebest's picture

Sooo.. the big question here is did DW see those texts and what were her thoughts.

I agree somewhat with ElkClan. My kids are part of a package deal. So were my DH's. We have one of the SS's with us full time and my Bio's are here most of the time (one weekend a month and a chunck of the summer they are with their dad). I would take YSS in a heartbeat if I could. 

If DW lead you to belive that this would never happen and you would only have the kids for visitation and she has now changed her mind, you need to talk to her. Tell her how you feel. This may end your marriage. 

Aniki's picture

When you live with someone who has children, there is ALWAYS a possibility those children will some day live with your partner. ALWAYS.

What if the biofather becomes incapacitated or dies? I've read comments people made on your other posts and agree. Your wife needs to get off her backside and get busy. Work to improve herself. Work to care for HER children.

If her children living with you is a dealbreaker, you should never have married her. IMO, you have some heavy thinking to do.

Landi's picture

Why should I fund their kids if both parents can still work? I was not told of this before we got married, so why should I now be financially responsible?

hereiam's picture

Anytime that anyone marries someone with kids, they have to know that there is always a chance the kids will live with them. Anything can happen.

However, your wife needs to support her own children.

Landi's picture

My wife has too much debt and her ex husband has a history of non-payment of child support, so guess what? I'll end up supporting her and her kids, while the ex gets off scot-free, not having to support the kids he brought into this world. Not going to happen. I did not sign up for this.

elkclan's picture

No one is saying you have to support these kids if you don't want to. If they guy has a history of non-payment, get garnishments. It's my understanding from your previous post that he wants them out now and may be willing to pay the price. However, while it is entirely your choice to not live with these kids, you should also know that this may mean the end of your marriage - or at least a really big dip in quality enough to make you want to end the marriage. It's your choice. Saying you didn't sign up for it isn't going to fix the problem. Anytime you marry someone with kids, you are basically signing up for the possibility. 

ndc's picture

If you're that opposed to it, then divorce your wife.  She's a package deal.  If the kids move in with her, and you stay with her . . . guess what, you have the kids, too.  And if she's not contributing to the household, I guess you're supporting them too.   Your options, if you don't want to support or live with the kids, are to convince her to leave them where they are or to leave her.

 

Aniki's picture

I NEVER said you should be financially responsible. NEVER. I said your WIFE needs to work to care for HER children. In turn, the biofather also needs to provide for HIS children.

A stepchild living with a stepparent does NOT make the stepparent financially responsible.

justmakingthebest's picture

And doesn't your wife only make like 15K a year or something like that? Maybe this is where you state that once she can afford her kids that you will be more accepting of the situation. 

Like others said- this is what happens when you marry someone with kids. There is always a chance that you will wind up with them. What would happen if Bio dad died? Kids would come there! (granted there would be SS benefits but still... they would be there).

hereiam's picture

Where was your wife living when you met her? If she has nothing to contribute to the household and cannot support her children, what was she doing before you? How was she paying rent/bills?

After reading your other post, where she expects you do everything for her kids when they are there, it sounds like you are being used.

Landi's picture

When we met, my wife lived in a garden flat on her parents' property. Some of the debt she owes is payable to her parents. Fortunately this is an anonymous forum, else I would not have written this, but my wife had an affair with her colleague which led to her losing her job, because her ex used to work at the same place and he laid a complaint about her affair. I knew about the affair and her financial situation right from our first date - she told me - but I was prepared to give her the benefit of the doubt because she was honest with me. I was and am still even prepared to have her not contribute anything due to her honesty, but I cannot support her kids as well. This was never part of the deal. (And let me not even START going into the details of the affair, which would have scared off most sane potential husbands!)

hereiam's picture

Did she know that was part of the deal? Did you tell her up front that you would support her but not her kids? I don't blame you for that, I would not want to support them, either. But you had to know that at some point, she might want them living with her again.

Why does she not do anything for her own kids, like feed them, when they are over?

amy070677's picture

This is a sad situation. She needs to find a way to contribute financially. File bankruptcy on debt or whatever. My husband and I have one account and both financially support each others kids. I wouldn't be with a man who didnt want to help out. And I would give anything for my step-daughter. If you feel like this is something you didn't sign up for and you have that right then you need to get divorced. Life is suppose to be about family and love and not finances in my mind.  But, I can also understand that you don't want to take advantage of either. The other Dad you can't control if he contributes or not, unless you take him to court. But, you can help and encourage and help your wife find a way to get her debt taken care of so that she is able to have her kids and contribute. If the debt is able to go away at some point, she will be able to help. Is it worth your marriage?

Landi's picture

I'm already paying, in effect, for her kids' upkeep. I treat my son and them exactly the same way when they're with us. No difference. If we go out, her kids go along, just like my own son. My son and the skids eat the same foods when they're with us. Christmas, birthdays, I buy all of them - my son included - equivalent gifts. My wife doesn't contribute, so in effect I'm already contributing towards her kids' upbringing. Even down to me helping them with school projects (her kids.)

elkclan's picture

OK, so is the big problem living with the kids or is the big problem your worry that the ex won't pay child support. Your profile says UK, go to the CSA if it's the latter. If it's the former, then I think you need to be honest with your wife and let her go back to the garden flat. 

Step-girlfriend's picture

I hate to say it, but if she can’t afford to pay for her kids herself to have more custody of them, then maybe she shouldn’t have them more. You shouldn’t be expected to pay for them even more than you already are. It’s good of you to pay the household finances already- I wouldn’t be ok with being expected to pay for my SO’s kids to live in with us full time. Especially when the reason is alleged abuse, by a skid that seems to be playing both sides. Also, BD spanked SS because he was lippy? Am I the only one who cheered a little when reading that? I don’t see anything wrong with that, if that’s what gets a disrespectful kid to understand disrespect won’t be tolerated. I don’t see anything wrong with spankings, as long as that is it. Now, if they are actually being abused, that is another story and I would hope you would help them get out of that situation. I’m just not so sure that’s the case here.

Bottom line is, if your DW wants HER kids more, she needs to figure out a way to be able to support them herself. If you are the one paying, you should have a say, especially if there is no actual abuse happening and no real need to move skids in full time. 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

I admire the fact that the OP has strong boundaries concerning his SO and her kids. How many of the members on ST ended up here because they didn't have strong boundaries? 

And considering the way OP's wife is attempting to manipulate him into allowing her kids to move in, is it really surprising that her daughter is playing BM and BD against each other?

OP admits that he's taken a chance on a woman with a dubious background. Personally I think he's in for quite a ride with her and her kids, but his life, his choice. At any rate, he needs to keep those boundaries strong as long as he's with her.

SonOfABrisketMaker's picture

Why not just run back to BD's house to grab the meds? Yeah, the kid forgot them but it's an unusual thing to remember to pack. It's not like she forgot underwear or deodorant.

i think you and your DW need to have a sit down with SD and BD to discuss the drama she's creating with her story telling. She's telling you her dad is mean she's telling him you guys are neglectful. She's stirring the pot between 3 people who communicate in passive aggressive cryptics.

Major Blunder's picture

Like every situation in life you have two options here, take a responsibility that isn’t necessarily yours or turn and walk away.  I took the responsibility, at this point I’m not thrilled with the outcome but still hope that one day what I did will be recognized by the Skids.  Walk away and that is something the kids will learn as well, when things aren’t just the way you want it just ditch and run.

beebeel's picture

The kids and your wife are lying about mistreatment. There is no NEED to change custody. 

marblefawn's picture

What did you imagine might happen if your skids' biodad died? Or went to prison? Did you think they'd go to an orphanage?

She was honest about her debt. If you didn't extrapolate what that might mean regarding her kids' care and potential responsibility on your part, I think that mistake is on you.

If I were you, I'd pay in to keep them living with BD. At least that way they aren't in your space full time. But short of that, this is what you get when you marry someone with kids and debt. I don't see how you can avoid responsibility now. I know it doesn't seem fair, but that was something to think about before you got married.

still learning's picture

"...that was something to think about before you got married."

Yep. 

Everyone brings their baggage to the marriage. DH brought the debt of 15 years of alimony payments and an adult son so coddled he can't function in society.  I brought my kids and complicated custody issues and payments to lawyers.  I knew about the alimony but not the mountain of debt or enabled skid. So many fun surprises! 

My kids were with exH when DH and I first married but came to live w/me after a few months due to an emergency situation. exH was just not physically present for the kids due to work, then hanging out at the sports bars after work, and his gf's after that. The kids were basically alone all the time and overseen by their older sister who also worked.  They were 11, 14 and 16 at the time, dd was 18. There was a situation and dd had to call 911, thank god she was there or things could have been terrible. 

If minor children are in the picture the custody situation could change at any time. Don't like skids invading your space then don't marry a lady with kids!  

Landi's picture

He has life insurance. Financial problem solved.

Powerfamily's picture

You keep harpng on about the amount of debt your wife has, lots of people have high levels of debt.  Your wife seems to be very complacent about her debt and the fact she now has lower wages then she had.

If she wants her children to live with her/you then she see needs to look for a better paid job or a second job so she can increase her income to cover the extra cost of two teenagers in the home.

She can't keep demanding more of you then you already give, you are already funding her life day to day and her dc every other weekend. 

It sounds like she sees you as a ATM steping stone of covering all her day to day costs while she pays her debt of then once she free and clear of debt then she will be off to pastures new debt free and you probably in debt that you have run up suppoting her and her DC.

Be very careful in taking on any more of her living costs with any additional input from her.