Who is the tag along, and am I over thinking it?
DH asked me if I wanted to go for a bike ride yesterday after dinner...my initial reaction was yes...but I said No, that I didn't feel like being the tag-along.
He asked me to explain...so I said... "are you asking me to go on a bike ride with you, or are you asking me to join in on a father/son bike ride?" He said it was the same thing... I said no, that he wanted to go with ss and asked me to join in...rather than wanting to go with me, and bringing him along.
He said I was overreacting... I tried telling him that a child centric 5 minute multiple stop bike ride wasn't the same as a 20 minute adult bike ride, and I wasn't feeling up to riding either 50 ft in front or in back because they're doing their thing and I'm on the outside... he stilldisagreed it would be like thar. Mhmm ok. So...no thank you... he said whatever...off they went. All good.
Literally 7 minutes later they were back and ss was yelling about something...dh was yelling at ss about how he wasn't listening... to me, drama avoided, SON!
So...to me, whoever is asked 2nd is the tag along, and whoever is asked first is the one you really want to go with. The adults don't get shoved in tag-along position... that's reserved for the children who get to tag along...right?
It's not really a big deal, for this scenario, just for the record. How do you see it?
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Personally - I think you are
Personally - I think you are overthinking it - UNLESS, everything in your house is always centered around SS.
For example, if SS said to DH, "Hey dad, want to go on a bike ride?" and your DH said, "Sure! Let's invite SM!" then that's not "tagging along", that's "who came up with the plan first".
Or even if DH asked SS if he wanted to go for a ride, and then asked you if you want to go along, I don't see that as bad.
I don't think all plans have to be made with only adults and then kids are asked. That seems forced and rigid. That being said, I don't think all plans made should revolve around kids either, and what they want to do.
I dunno, this wouldn't have bothered me, if I were you. It would have bothered me to have to ride behind or ahead of them because it's their activity and I'm cut out, but not the part about who is "tagging along". I also agree that a bike ride that SS enjoys is different than one you enjoy, and for that reason, you can opt out. But that doesn't mean DH should NEVER go on a kid-centric bike ride and invite you along - just that you can pick and choose when you want to go, which might be never if you don't have fun on the kid-centric one.
I hope that made sense.
Yes... but ask me to come on
Yes... but ask me to come on a bike ride with ss... not on a bike ride... two TOTALLY different rides LOL
the main thing is
you avoided an annoying bike ride with a whining skid and guilty daddeeee appeaser!
Well yeah! Much better than
Well yeah! Much better than getting ready for the ride and being blindsided last minute with an unpleasant addition to some relaxing scenery time....
Sorry I wasn't clear... this
Sorry I wasn't clear... this particular situation did t actually bother me.
I meant more the dynamic of it... when it's always about the kid and the step gets asked as an afterthought versus actually wanting the step to go/do the activity.
Like a parent always asking what the kid wants to do...where they want to go for dinner... hiw the weeks d is going to go... and the step is always a "by the way, we're doing this...wanna come?"
Versus the normal stuff that makes sense like you mentioned above.
If I want to go to a bike
If I want to go on a bike ride, I do and if I don’t want to go, I don’t. Who cares who invited who first. This kind of competition especially with a young kid is drama and stress inducing. I feel secure enough not having to be number one and first invited to activities at all times
But if your DH makes everything involved around SS and you are always an afterthought, then it’s an issue and you better put a stop to it before it destroys your marriage
other than that don’t sweat small stuff
Ah memories!
Ah memories! Being asked if I feel like going out to dinner that night only to find out that plans had already been made with the skids to go to their favorite burger and fry place where there is exactly nothing on the menu that I eat. Or being asked if I would like to go see a movie today and then discovering that we needed to leave in 10 minutes because the latest "dude in spandex saving the world" movie is what we are seeing. And the look of utter confusion on DH's face when I told him to have a lovely time with his kids by himself. LOL
My favorite was
when DH said the kids (all of them) decided on going to a movie after he expressly asked me what I wanted to do and it wasn’t a movie. DS walked in as I asked when they decided on a movie and he very innocently asked “oh, are we seeing a movie?”
Busted. DH and the skids decided. And negated what DH and I had discussed.
Hope that you
Hope that you and your son had a great time doing something on your own. That was totally wrong. The least he could do was not flat out LIE.
And they wondered why it was "us versus them" on the rare occasions when it did not work out in their favor. Gee, think about it, buddy!
You are right
If SS is controlling the bike ride. As in stopping every 30 feet. Going In circles? You are just tagging along. If DH said do you where do you want to go for a bike ride. To the park and stop for a snack. To Starbucks. Then he’s asking you and if SS want to come that on Him to get SS back home after four minutes.
I would not want to go tagging along with a SS who really doesn’t want to ride his bike he just wants to control everything As in a seven minute bike ride
I understand the overarching
I understand the overarching problem of feeling like the "tag along," and I'm sure this is just one example for you. In my life, the way I'm currently dealing with it is yes, every other weekend when SD7 is here, I do relegate myself to being the tag along, but I choose to. Bc at this age, I could make plans with FH and SD could tag along, but in these plans, I usually wouldn't want her there anyway and would rather just wait for a weekend when she's with her mom. As it stands now, FH and SD sorta kinda come up with some semblance of a plan together, and then ask if it's ok with me/if I want to go. I go for appearances, but obviously if she's with us, they'll choose a more kid-friendly activity. So I'm definitely the tag along, but like I said, I know I'm actively choosing that bc I usually don't care to plan anything for all of us with FH. I dunno how sustainable this will be in the long run, and it only works bc we have SD 50/50. If we had her 100%, I'd need a new game plan.
At any rate, yes, in general you shouldn't feel like the tag along. This one bike ride is, as you said, whatever, but if that's how you feel every day with everything, then probably need to re-evaluate the family dynamics.
I think that's what got me
I think that's what got me thinking... there's a lot of outsider feelings on this site... and it's little things like that, I think, that may contribute...
Fact is, it's the parent and step building a life together, which includes the kids. Those who build their life with the child and include the step, seem to have the bigger issues.
I truly believe that without a solid foundation between the COUPLE, the rest crumbles.
I often suggest dh do something with ss. It's not an issue for me... I don't feel "left out" per se ... usually only when it's a family thing or a couple thing and ss is given the power to run the show.
Agreed. And I think most DHs
Agreed. And I think most DHs even know in their heads that is true too...but like a lot of things, easier said than done. Even if your DH and SS decide something, you can always suggest a counter idea "i don't feel like biking right now, but how about we do XYZ instead?" Maybe that way you will feel more like you were part of the decision making process, and not just tagging along with them. Young kids are always running the show in some way...but I think it's far more tolerable when you feel more partnered with your DH and you can just roll your eyes at kids being kids...lol
You may be overthinking it but your impression
seems to be right on the money. Your over thinking could just be that you’re mulling this over since it seems to be a theme
How people say things does mean something. And you’ve been the tagalong before so you know the phrasing that means “tagalong.”
I totally get it. My DH says things differently based on his true intent. (Most people do.) He gets very defensive and back pedals, and tries to tell me I’m reading into things. I’ve been around this long enough to have tried it different ways and I know when I’m the afterthought.
actions
speak louder than words.
I think you’ve nailed it.. I
I think you’ve nailed it.. I don’t get this a lot with DH & the skids, though DH will sometimes take more into account what they want to do than what I’d like to do.. sometimes I let it ride & sometimes I remind him that kids don’t call the shots.
My biggest pet peeve with the boys on this level is when walking anywhere.. I’ll be walking beside DH & without fail, one of them will start walking directly in front of me, at a slower pace, so they can be close to daddee.
I don’t think so kid.
I just put my hand on their shoulders to keep them moving & say ‘O/YSS, do I not exist? Out of the way!’ DH backs me up each time thankfully, if he didn’t we’d have an issue. These seemingly little things are what makes SP’s feel like interlopers, and it’s annoying AF!