Should i be concerned that my bf is playing favorites?
Hello, i have been in a relationship with my bf for a little over a year now. He met my children while his children were in foster care due to the ex wife and an ongoing court case investigation. He bonded with my children quite well and i thought all was going to be great once everything came together. Well we recently got custody back of his 3 children in august and everyone seems to get along well and seems to get treated the same. Ive recently started sharing photos of EVERYONE on outings and what not and i will tag him in them. He doesnt share much often however he uploaded pictures of his boys today and them only and somehow my children werent even in the background yet they were ALL riding their bikes together in the same area. Im a little upset and dont know how to ask him why he didnt share any of my kids. Im also unsure if its just me being a little dramatic. Now the weird part is he always got into fights with his ex wife over favoritism. He has a son with an ex and she does as well and they had one together. She would always have pictures of her 2 biological sons and almost none of his son. He would always take pictures of them all and thats how it should be. I am confused though because now it seems like hes doing what he hated her doing. I love my children and would do anything for them and i have grown to love his children like they were my own as well but im slightly doubting that he actually cares for my kids now.
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I wouldn't draw a lot of
I wouldn't draw a lot of conclusions from a single social media post. Maybe he got a really good shot that only included his kids. Maybe one of his friends or relatives had commented that they hadn't seen his kids lately so he posted a picture. There could be any number of explanations for why he posted a picture that only included his kids.
Of much more consequence is how he treats the kids. Does he play favorites in your day to day life? If not, I wouldn't worry about one social media post.
My social media life does not
My social media life does not reflect my real life because I just don't want the drama. He may think posting all the kids will cause drama with his ex, her family, his family, etc. I'd put as much stock in his social media postings as I would in why he decided to wear white socks over black one day.
As ndc said, it's all about how he treats them. If he treats them kindly, then that should be enough.
One thing to keep in mind is how YOU want to be a stepparent may be different than how HE wants to be a stepparent, especially now that he is divorced, has battled for his kids, etc. People say things when they first into step-hood that don't hold true long term. He likely doesn't love your kids as his own, and that's okay. So long as he is polite and cordial to the kids, he's doing what he should. Anything above and beyond is a bonus.
Honestly it could go either
Honestly it could go either way. I partially dont post pictures if SD because I feel weird posting pictures of someone else's kid on a public platform and her parents used to not allow anyone to post pictures of her. However I also have zero desire to post any of her.
Bottom line, its hard to tell based on that alone because there could be a ton of different reasons.
Hypocritical
My thing is, if i were to post photos of only my kids and have only my kids on my camera roll, hed pitch a fit saying i dont care about his kids. As for the ex wife, shes in prison and they are moving to terminate her rights to all children. He doesnt have any of her family on social media either. I guess i will just see how it goes. Im just worried to invest time when my kids may end up more damaged than they are from their own dad and id hate for his boys to get more attached to me and then have another mom taken out of their lives. They absolutely adore my bf and id hate for them to feel left out. I love him, but i love my kids more and ive experienced first hand from both parental sides how much favoritism can destroy a childs sense of worth.
Then, you need to have a
Then, you need to have a conversation with him about it.
Here's what you need to
Here's what you need to understand, in general, about steplife:
You and your BF will ALWAYS favor your biokids overs your steps. Always. You may not see that now, but as the kids age and live with you more, both you and your BF will tire of your SKs' behaviors. That's not a judgement, that's just a thing that happens.
Conversely, no matter how much the SKs may care about you, or your kids care about your BF, both sets of kids would prefer their bioparent over you any day. Even if they hate their BP and love you, they want nothing more than for their BP to be better and love them how they should be loved. The kids are going to play favorites, too.
Step family dynamics are different than intact family dynamics, and it's unwise to try and apply an intact family filter over a step family. You and your BF can create a family structure that allows for equality to help minimize favoritism, but the favoritism - from both sides - will always be there.
Now, whether your BF can and will help build a family dynamic that tries to minimize the favoritism is what needs to be assessed. Is he willing to work with you to set household rules that apply to everyone? Is he willing to work with you to figure out how many gifts you'll give your mutual kids at holidays? Is he willing to talk out how college expenses, first cars, money spent on prom, etc will be doled out?
You are not a replacement mother. He is not a replacement father. Thinking that you two will form a new family unit and replace the other bio parents with an updated version is going to hurt your relationship instead of help it. It takes out your SKs and BKs ability to form relationships - important familial relationships - with others in their life. It sets you all up to fail when you make it a requirement that the kids and the parents be treated like there is no difference, because there is and everyone knows it.
Now, that doesn't mean you can't treat the kids like your own, but I highly recommend starting at a friend level, then working up to a parental one. Many SPs (myself included) screw up by diving head first into the parental deep end, only to hit our heads on the bottom of the pool. It's harder to pull away once you have established that bond, and that hurts worse. Work at being a friend and see if the kids respond to that. Then move toward family member, then parent. Also, work with your kids to slow their roll. Don't make them jump into loving your BF like a father. In fact, roll that back. Make them be respectful, of course, but don't force a relationship and be okay if they want to be at arms length.
I tell you all of this as being both a SK and a SM. My whole family is blended in some way, shape, or form. Each of my siblings and I have various degrees of relationshios with our bio and step families, and it works out well to let each of us navigate those relationships. I'm not saying it's perfect, or that we haven't all screwed it up, but now as adults and with my SKs being teens, we have a flow that works for (almost) everyone involved. And part of that flow means I love my SBro like my blood sibling and have disowned my SSis for her stupidity in many things. And that I view my SSs like nephews and they view me as a parental/authority figure who they respect and listen to, even if I'm not "mom".
A step family doesn't look the same as an intact family, and that is okay. It is better to lean into and acknowledge the differences versus trying to make it fit into the intact family box. That only serves to frustrate everyone and highlight the differences.
This. Times 100
Each parent will of course favor their own kids. The challenge is how to make it work for everyone. IMHO, communication is the key. Also, each parent has to work with their parents. I told my mom, please, all kids get similar, age appropriate presents -- but she can put extra money in my kids college.
Within our house, we try to keep thinks fair, as LD said, the real challenges are collegs and cars. I told my fiance (now DH), I had save for my DC college and I was not sharing that. I also said I would not marry him unless he started maxing out his retirement funds. I dont want to support him when we retire so he can pay for his kids college. Now, we have worked together on a budget, so he is funding retirement and working on a small college fund, to at leat help with community college for his kids.
I never post pics of the
I never post pics of the skids. I post my bios. DH can post the skids. Honestly I dont like them, Im not proud of them like I am my own kids, and posting pics of minors is for the real parent to do.
I actually think it's more
I actually think it's more unusual for you to be posting pictures of kids that aren't yours than what he is doing.
I didn't post pictures of my stepkids.. they have two parents.. I'm not one of them.. it's not my place to put them on social media. In fact their "mama" would have had a fit if I did.
The kicker
So, i did start on a friendship level but they kinda dove in to the whole different bond level. They are quite young. I wasnt posting pics of his kids and only mine for a while and that caused an issue and i was equated to his ex wife. Thats when i just stopped posting pics of any kids until my family got upset for no updates so i started just including everyone. I just dont get why hed be upset with me for not including everyone yet he didnt.
Well, I guess there's no way
Well, I guess there's no way you can please everyone. Post what pictures you want to. BF cant complain about it now that hes done the same thing.