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soon to be step daughter has decided she hates me after 8 years

zandamom's picture

My fiance and i have been together 8 years next week.  We each have children from a previous marriage. I left him for a bit last summer, for many reasons, but the children were certainly a factor.  He is a stronger disciplinarian when it comes to my boys, and it hasn't been welcome.  We were raised very different and I always felt he was borderline mean to my boys.  His daughter on the other hand he rarely parents in fear of upsetting her so she wouldn't want to come over.  It got to the point he was yelling at my boys and yet she would do the same things so I would tell her the rules apply to her as well. For example.. eating vegetables.  We would all be at the table and he would yell at my youngest to eat his or no dessert and she wouldn't touch hers and be allowed dessert.  I finally got to where I would tell her the same things he would tell my son.  I would tell her to eat her vegetables or no dessert.  Or the internet.  If he felt the kids were on it too much he would ask me to cut it to the house. Except when she would start crying and then he wanted to take it from my boys but not her. I would refuse and say if one gets it they all do. If he was yelling at my son to pick up his shoes he left on the floor, that were sitting right near hers, I would tell her she needed to pick p her shoes too.  I wouldn't yell like he did but she didn't like losing princess status very much.  Didn't take long for resentment to build and I decided I couldn't live with him any longer and moved out. After some time apart we decided to try therapy again and he is doing really great with my boys and overall we are happy.   His daughter on the other hand is t totally mad I left her dad and she didn't like me much the last year or so before i left because I got tired of the blatant favoritism. We got engaged on new years and she is ticked. She refuses to speak to me or my boys and refuses to come over at all. My fiance still sees her but she has cut us all off.  My son is 10. He has known her since he was 2. At one point we had her half time.  She is 15.  My other son is also 15.  It's really hurtful to them and they are sad. I'm upset for them and my fiance but annoyed with her.  It has been almost a year since I left and we were only apart about 2 months. During  that two months I still saw her and her dad. She had been coming around sporadically until we got engaged and now she refuses. We are set to be married in June on a cruise.  We bought her a ticket but she says she refuses to come.  Now I am so torn.  He still wants to move forward with it, but I am not sure.  I wonder if it is better to postpone?  we have been together this long, why rush?  Maybe give her time to adjust and come around? I worry it will further hurt the relationship with her and I worry about what it will do to our marriage if she never comes around and moves past it.  I also worry about what this will do moving forward.  How will me and my children feel tobe excluded all the time?  Graduation?  her weddng. Her children. My fiance on the other hand says he is not letting a child who only was with us two weekends a month control his life.  He is upset I want to postpone because she is being a difficult teenage girl.  I'm not allowed to come with him when he sees her.  She doesn't respond to my texts or phone calls. I reachout to her every few days asking to take her to starbucks or to get her nails done or go to her favorite restaurant.  I send her little picture memories of fun tmes together or stupid gif's that say miss you or love you.  and I tried to ask her mom for help and got no response from her either.  Either way she is still causing separation in our lives.  My boys and i are hurt and sometimes angry.  He is hurt and sometimes angry.  Sometimes at me and sometimes at her.  Anyone with any insight? Should we wait? Should we not? Should we even get married at all if it is going to start off on this footing? 

zandamom's picture

No,I own my own company and make my own money.  We have seperate financial accounts and are financially indepedent of ne another.  Neither of us needs the other's money.   We got back together because we enjoy each other.  I have fun with him. We have similiar life goals and are great friends and "lovers" When the kids are not around we have a great relationship.  Through therapy, We actually have come to many understandings regarding his discipline of my kids and his relationship wth them has become pretty strong.  Our family life has been great the past year..... when his daughter doesn't cause strife. Whether it be her refusal to come aroundme and my boys or my fiance's gettin upset that he doesn't get to see her much anymore.  

Annoyed1's picture

What kind of comment is that? 

zandamom's picture

Living together for over 7 years doesn't constitute a family just because we don't have a piece of paper?  

Rags's picture

Absolutely you have a family.  Families are made up of people who love and care for each other.  Though I am absolutely a believer in marriage, the absense of marriage does not eliminate your family from being a family.

 

sunshinex's picture

Why is he allowing a 15 year old girl to dictate whether or not you're coming with him when he does things with her? I think, to be honest, he's giving her WAY too much power. He needs to say "zandamom is my soon-to-be wife and she's coming with me once in a while when we get together. If you can't tolerate that, we'll have to wait until you're ready to act like a mature young lady about it." 

In the meantime, you need to stop trying with her. It seems like she's thriving in this situation - she gets YOU sucking up to her/trying your best to impress her while her dad just goes with the flow and lets her disrespect his soon-to-be wife. It needs to be strictly "this is the way things are and you will have to tolerate it and be respectful or don't visit/see us." 

She's old enough to understand that dad's relationship with his future wife has value too. She is not the center of the universe. Stepparents have the same expectation - to act civilly and politely in a situation we're not fond of. I don't see why stepkids, when they're of an age where they can act mature, can't have the same expectation. 

sunshinex's picture

Also - I hope you're 1000000% certain he's done with the favoritism and different rules for his daughter vs. the other kids in the house. If you're not, you shouldn't be marrying him. That crap really messes with kids heads. Don't do that to your children. I'm a stepparent too, obviously, and I treat my stepdaughter and my son fairly with the same rules in an age-appropriate manner. It's required if you don't want a house filled with hatred and resentment. 

zandamom's picture

I'm thinking about it all and then I feel selfish for thinking he should be doing those things and telling her those things .  

STaround's picture

If she is such a princess why are your boys so hurt?  Something is missing here.  If she does not want to come over, let it go.  At 15, I suspect her dad realizes he cannot make her come much longer.  

In any event, stop buying her stuff, stop pursuing her, and definitively don't call her mom.  

zandamom's picture

My boys are sad becausw my youngest was a baby when we met her . It hasn't always been like it got to be.  We had her half time and things were more balanced and the kids were younger so his expectations of them were lower I think .  We used to have a great little family.life and we have always done really fun things . We take alot of vacations and spend alot of time on the boat or the beach.   Things are chill and fun when we are doing things.  It was the day to day chores and such that gor to be a problem and when she turned 13 she didn't want to come half time becuase she was struggling in school and wanted a quieter environment .  The real problems started then . When she was only with us four days a month , her rules went away.ans dad coddled her. Maybe in fear she wouldn't come at all . I don't know .  

STaround's picture

As someone said here said referring to dad's kids, no one's kids are perfect.  Did Dad make certain she got a quiet place to study? Or was he not home enough and your attitude was  boys will be boys and will be noisy?  And she should be there to entertain them? 

You might also want to read a NY times article on a sutdy that shows girls are expected to do more chores at home than boys.   https://www.nytimes.com/2018/08/08/upshot/chores-girls-research-social-s...

I dont think you or your boys are awful.  But I am not certain anyone is advocating for your SD and I suspect if anyone really listened to her, it would not be as one-sided as you think.. I think there is a natural tendency to favor your own kids, and you may not even realize it.   As to what dad will do, there are posters here who said their DHs are sad and resentful after years when a kid stays awa.  

 

zandamom's picture

My oldest son is a straight a student.   He takes his studies seriously.   My youngest is a different story but we always sit down and quietly do homework every single day .  I think that is when my resentment started .  I felt it was a message that I wasn't good enough to help her in her school work . Back then my youngest even made good grades . Homework was typically while he was still at work , but I know when she was with me her work was completed and she did it correctly.  I don't know why her grades weren't good because homework always was but I never got the opportunity to find out and I don't think he should have allowed visitation to be cut over it . It wasn't my choice.oat things aren't with her.  

STaround's picture

They should be monitoring homewoek etc.  If it not that you are not good enough, you are not a parent.  You need to take a step back, and accept reality. 

Rags's picture

The balance sheet does not work for this relationship. Though the toxic Skid is the pain point, she is not the catalyst.  Haveing fun together and being lovers is not the foundation for an equity life partnership.

There is so much about this man, his toxic spawn, and the entire dynamic that does not pass the smell test.

Your post is full of misery for you and your boys. 

Who would make that a permanent condition?

Please use your mind and not your emotion or the tingly feelings you get with this guy.  

Pregnantwithquestions's picture

Please use your mind and not your emotion or the tingly feelings you get with this guy

 

I-m so happy this this this this this OP.

Harry's picture

Daughter control your life. She is winning the power game.  You want to put the marriage on hold.  She will never like you, and if you do put thr marriage on hold, she will win the round. And it only will get worst.  Get married, let his daughter decide what to do. 

Atleast you can understand why he was kissing SD AS* so much,  When he stop the kissing She totally disengage from your SO picture of a Happy Family.  Your SO want something he unfortunately can’t get. A picture perfect Happy Family with you, your kids and SD.  Because SD doesn’t want it.  He has to live with The relationship he wants, with you or SD he can not have both 

Siemprematahari's picture

If step daughter has such an issue that you "left" than her father needs to get her therapy so that she can work through her feelings and hopefully accept that she can't change the fact that you left. These are feelings that she needs to come to terms with and you can't control that. It was your choice and you did what you thought was best at the time. She doesn't have to like it or accept it. So whatever she chooses to do from here on out is on her and has NOTHING to do with you.

So live your best life and let this go.