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Jealousy over the relationship my boyfriend’s ex has with his family.

SammyHallwell80's picture

Little background.  My boyfriend has three teenage kids, who have accepted me as their father's new partner.  I am the first person my boyfriend has introduce to his family since he separated from his wife 3 years ago.


My boyfriend is a loving father and a reaponsible ex-husband.  He is generous to the mother of his kids, her family and common friends.   I was also married and unfortunately my ex and I were unable to conceive.  

I have tried to be an extremely understanding partner, the three of us (the mother of the kids, my boyfriend and I) have tried our best to have a close relationship for the sake of the kids, which two are over the age of 17.

All kid's birthdays have been hosted at their mother's house as she refuses to come to our home.  Therefore, I will be there with both families and take a big, comfortable smile.  All for the kids.

The problem I am having is with the relationship his experience-wife has with his family.  They will go on trips together, have lunches, get together for Christmas gifts, special events, and some time they will prioritize seen her than us.  She is a nice individual, I get it But I wish she could step back and love on with her life!  She is besties with my boyfriend's sisters and that relationship makes me uncomfortable.

He doesn't want to talk to his family about it, but he also keeps in touch with her family.  Perhaps I am wrong, I just don't know how to deal with it.









Harry's picture

She always made the birthday party's and will continue to do so. That her control.  You should not be going over the Ex house for these party's. Throw your own birthday party if you want.  Your BF is a BF not a DH. Everyone is not going to change there life around for you. You could be gone tomorrow.
BF can ask his parents not to  invite his ex to family fuctions since the ex is not family anymore.  But his sisters friendship with the ex is between them. 

Ashleytenorio17's picture

First I am sorry you have to deal with that! How long have you and BF been together? Maybe it's still too new for him to wanna cause drama but really he should have cut that cord long ago and now that it has continued it will be hard for fAmily to understand. Sounds like the ex still has all the control here which is why she controls the birthdays and where they will be at. I do agree that maybe you and BF should have your own celebration and if she doesn't want to come that's fine because she will be having her own that y'all don't have to attend. I don't see anything wrong with you going to the party's with your BF, I use to do the same thing when DH and I first started dating no big deal. But now BM does Hers or lately she hasn't really been doing party's so we do them. Good luck 

momof3smof2's picture

Ex-in-laws get to spend time with anyone they want. Often, they develop solid relationships, especially over two decades.

Regarding former partners, they can spend time together without wanting to screw each others brains out, or be together as partners.

momof3smof2's picture

Give it some time. It sounds like the ex-wife has been in his family's life for several decades, at least. They've developed relationships separate from her as his wife. It will take time for you to develop a relationship that is on that same level.

ndc's picture

My DH's ex was a serial cheater. Lucky for me his family is many states away, so I'm not dealing with what you are, but his entire family is still friends with her on social media and they interact with her regularly.  His mom, who KNOWS the ex cheated on her son multiple times with multiple men, still made a point to go see the ex and take selfies with her when she came to visit us recently.

I don't understand it, but I'm glad it's a social media relationship and not a local, in-person relationship.  I'm not sure I could put up with it in person. It's bizarre, IMO.

tog redux's picture

She "refuses" to come to your home? I don't think she's as nice as what she is presenting, and that's part of what you are sensing. Seems she likes to have control over things.

Honestly, you aren't obligated to be the "understanding partner".  Just do what makes you comfortable.  I'm not sure I'd go to the party - you and BF can have a birthday dinner for them at your house another time. I certainly wouldn't hang out with her to show how understanding I am.  You don't have to have a "close" relationship with your BF's ex-wife, just a pleasant one with no drama will do. 

Personally I think everyone in this situation has pretty poor boundaries.

bearcub25's picture

Do they coparent well and there is no behind the back communication or visits?  There are people that can remain friends and have a relationship like this.  I know a few people that do trips, once in a while, and get togethers and they seem to be really happy all around.   You should set your bondaries for you though and do what comfortable for you.  As the kids get older, you may see her less and be able to live your own lives.

That type of relationship is much preferable to the hell most of us go through.

Mandy45's picture

It great when the marriage is over but it not really over. I wouldnt waste my time obviously the ex has cemented herself in your bf life forever. Your always be in the shadow. Think you need to decide weather your happy playing the second fiddle or not.