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Did he stop sleeping with her before he was with me..?!

saffron1's picture

So there is literally no way of me knowing this, and I'm probably being ridiculously paranoid...but I feel like I already deal with and have dealt with a lot when it comes to SO. Obviously, being in this situation I've had to deal with an insane BM who would devote her last days to making our lives (especially mine) hell... I also have to deal with the fact that BM lives near us and we share many of the same acquaintances/friends. Also, SO's girlfriend from after BM, although she has never caused me a problem whatsoever, also shares acquaintances so I have to see pics of her on FB. If this wasn't enough for my paranoid little mind lol, I found out about 6 months ago that SO had a bit of a fling after his break up with his ex girlfriend. This girl works with him - oh joy! My crazy lady FB stalking found this out for me, he'd never have told me in a million years otherwise. So basically, about 6 months ago I found out that he had pretty much just been sleeping with a girl from work - he never wanted to make her his girlfriend but regardless, they had a fling and some of his friends met her. Now, I know that SO split with BM in 2010, got a new girlfriend in Feb 2012 and was with her until Sep 2012 so the fling obv happened after Sep. My SO is fairly sensitive when it comes to relationships and stuff so I cant imagine he jumped into bed with the next woman after his relationship failed, although he is male... So I am assuming the fling happened around Oct/Nov - maybe.. Anyway, I met SO in Jan 2013 and we made it official at the end of Feb 2013. My paranoid mind couldn't take thinking that he may have been sleeping with this girl when he knew me, although he had no loyalties towards me it makes me feel sick. I wasn't intimate with him until the Feb (THANK GOD) but its just the thought of it. So, like the loony than I am, I Facebook messaged the girl asking her... she told me that her and my SO fizzled out around Dec 2012/Jan 2013 and that he didn't tell her about me until Valentines 2013... SO and I rowed about it loads, he told me it was over with them two before me and him got together.. 6 months later this has reoccurred in my mind and I am paranoid Sad


tabby yabba do's picture

It's simply a matter of: Do You Trust Him or Not?

If you trust him, none of these things would matter to you.

If you don't, you will wonder.

I had an exBF whose new wife FORBADE him from being my FB friend (when I had FB). I heard this second hand, and the exBF did unfriend me. I couldn't have cared less, but I guess the new wife always asked questions about me from mutual friends and made snide comments about my hair, or vacation photos, etc. (she and I were not FB friends, she likely saw my stuff through her DHs account)

And then one day I got a pm from exBF. He told me I was "the love of his life" and the "one that got away." I had zero feelings for him and had never led him on. I was actually disgusted.

But it made me understand why his wife didn't like me. HE gave her reason to be jealous and suspect.

What's your gut telling you? Is your SO pining for someone else? Or is he committed to you?

hereiam's picture

Paranoid of what? What would you do if it wasn't quite over when he met you?

She has no reason to lie, really, and she said it was over in Dec/Jan, you met him in Jan and didn't make if official until Feb.

I think you are making yourself crazy for nothing. She wasn't even important to him. You could end up driving a wedge between the two of you and for what?

Let it go.

saffron1's picture

Thanks for your help ladies. SO has never given me any reason not to trust him when it comes to things like commitment in our relationship. I'm never paranoid if he goes out drinking etc. I know his loyalties lie with me and that he loves me. He also doesn't condone cheating at all... but he has lied to me about petty things that concern BM. I am the first to admit I am fairly paranoid, but my ex cheated on me so I think it stems from that. My SO didn't tell me at the start how much BM used to contact him, nothing was ever going on with them two, he hates her, but she would contact him a lot more than he knew I would be happy with. I think to keep the peace and not rock the boat with her, and to keep his new gf happy, he saw the easy option... I soon put a stop to that. I think because I know he lied about that, I worry that he may have lied about sleeping with this girl when he knew me. No part of me thinks he cheated, but maybe that he might have slept with her when he and I were at the initial 'talking' stage. I don't know.. I know I am being paranoid and I need to trust him because, commitment/cheating wise he has never given me any reason to doubt him.. maybe I'm hormonal!!

LittlePanda's picture

Uhhhhh ew? Unless he was cheating on BM with you....that would be a big deal to me!

saffron1's picture

Yeah I did ask him and he said it was over before me. I assume they were probably texting etc still when he knew me, which I'm okay with.. just don't think I'd be okay with him sleeping with us both in the same time period if you get me...but like all the other ladies have said, I'll never know for definite so I need to let it go! Smile

LittlePanda's picture

Def let it was before you were official if it even was at all. Trust me, I go crazy over this kind of stuff too, but it's best just to think about it. I am guessing that they stopped because he met say that he is pretty sensitive about relationships and that makes me think he wouldn't be seeing 2 people. She says they broke it off right around the time that you and him started hanging out. I am guessing they broke it off because of you.

saffron1's picture

Thank you for your advice Smile that last bit especially made me feel way better...from what I've gathered my SO (mean as it is) kind of avoided her for as much as he could while we got to know each other.