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Update since ss has vowed to destroy my marriage. He's not just destroying my marriage, but my life too

sadden2018's picture

Hi everyone. Sorry I've been MIA for  a couple weeks. Just been busy. 

Since my last post, I've moved out with my daughters, and all of us have been going to thereapy to help us cope with sd16's death. Things are slowly starting to get better. I does hurt through when because my family and friend's still haven't spoken to me, but I have to remain strong for my daughters. 

Me and dh have meet a couple of times to discuss things between us, and we've come to the conclusion that this marriage can't be saved. Deep down I wanted him to say "l love you, let's work on this" or "we can get past this", but I know ss14 would never let that happen-he ruined my marriage and turned my family and friends against me. We both agreed that it would be for the best to part ways. I told dh that I have to look out for my daughters and dh said that he has to look out for ss. Dh also said that things between him and ss are slowly getting better- thereapy I guess has been doing wonders. Dh also apologized for the way he treated me. He ackowledges that I wasn't the sole reason for sd's sucide, instead that everyone played a deciding factor. It was Sd's choice, but we BOTH played a role.

I did ask about ss14 despite everything he's done, I'm not angry at him. He was the one that found her on the bathroom floor, and him and sd were super close, so I can understand where all his anger and where is need for vengance came from. I asked dh if it would be okay for me to speak to ss- so we could both get closure, but dh said that ss's therepist said that i'm a trigger for him. Instead dh gave a letter that ss wrote.

It's been almost a week since then, and for some reason I don't know why i'm almost scarred to read it. 


notasm3's picture

No! No! No! 

Her suicide was no one’s fault but her own. Do not let anyone tell you differently. A therapist who tries to tell you that it was your fault is wrong. 

Suicide is tragic and horrible but one cannot blame the survivors. Her death was only your fault if it was murder. And you know it was not murder. 

AlmostGone83's picture

I wouldn’t read it. 

Here, I will save you the trouble and summarize it....

”How dare you refuse to be disrespected and establish boundaries with your skids. That is my my sister died. I hate you”

If you truly think any of this is your fault, I suggest you seek counseling for your low self esteem and leave that guy and his son in the dust.

susanm's picture

You might want to wait until you are with a therapist to read the letter.  You know there is not going to be anything good in there.  Maybe have her/him read it first and take their sugggestion as to whether it would be healthy for you to read it right now.

I think you are smart to move on from the marriage.  Even if your husband could manage to forgive himself and forgive you and try to put the marriage back together, there is no way that his son will give him a moment of peace.  He simply does not have the option to be with you at this point.  All of us have the fear that our skids will do something that destroys our marriages.  One of yours sadly showed that they were willing to take the ultimate step to lash out at their parent and hurt them for the rest of their life.  The marriage was an inevitable casualty, planned or not.  Given that the son bluntly stated his intent to punish his father, you, and destroy the marriage, his father would be forever fearful that he would take the same action as his sister if he stayed married to you.  What happened was not your fault regardless of what anyone, including your own family (inexplicably) says.  But leaving with what belongs to you as quickly as possible is probably the kindest thing you can do.

I think I read that you are a nurse?  That should give you a major opportunity to move far away and start over with your daughters.  I hope that will eventually bring you the happiness and peace to put this behind you.  You have every right to do that without ghosts following behind.

I love dogs's picture

Take as long as you need to read the letter or don't read it at all. I doubt it is anything but hateful. You or DH are not to blame for SD's crime. She was still a child, yes, but 16 is old enough to know what she was doing. Shame on your husband for feeding into you two both having a part of blame in SD's choice and shame on your "friends" and family for exiling you from their lives.

I just read your last blog and maybe she just wanted to scare everyone and meant to be found before it was too late? Either way, you don't need SS in your life and it seems like your husband is coping by blaming you and himself. Not healthy for anyone involved. I hope you and your girls are benefitting from therapy.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

It's not your fault. I don't even know you and I know that.

I know it's hard, and hearing things is hard too, especially since it's your daughter and you love her. 

Suicide is no one's fault EXCEPT the person that commits it, they failed to reach out, and the reality is, no one else is in their head, even the closest person to them won't see what's going on. There wasn't anything you could have done diffrently, simply becuase you didn't know, because she didn't reach out, you can't see the future, and you can't reach into someone else's thoughts.

The worst thing about suicide is what it leaves behind. Someone that people loved is gone, and they're left wondering all the whys and trying to figure it out and blaming themselves for not "doing something differently." But you aren't the only one that has to take action. The person in pain needs to express that, they have to work with others, reach out, let someone know what's going on in their head and then be willing to struggle and push and work through it all.

I don't know her reasoning, and you probalby don't know the half of it either. But even kids that seem the happiest can be hurting inside, so you couldn't have realized.

My senior year in high school we lost 8 people to suicide and one to a unknown death. It hurt. I was good friends and a co-worker with one of them. None of us knew, she always seemed happy and bubbly, everyone loved her, to this day we have no clue what kind of pain she was struggling through, and it left a lot of people in a confused state, and then enboldened more to do the same. Something all of them had in common was that they really didn't let people know what they were struggliing through or seek help.

So don't let anyone blame you, you're already struggling enough dealing with the loss of YOUR child. In no way shape or form was this your fault. You loved her, you likely would have done anything to prevent it. So don't let anyone throw the blame on you when it's not your fault, and when you have enough grief to already hurt. You don't need to carry that extra burden, it's not yours to carry.

Hang in there. I'm sorry about all the chaos and about things with your DH. But know that the steps you're taking to keep your daughters safe and happy is going to be for the best in the long run. You're strong. You're capable. And most importantly, you're a survivor.


Step-girlfriend's picture

I'm sorry you are dealing with this all. You were put in a really hard spot, the results are so unfair to everyone. But I agree, this is not your fault, SD was obviously not stable, and I can't help but think it would have happened eventually no matter what. People can't just do what they want and treat people how they want and expect everyone to just take it. That's not how the world works.

I'm sorry this has ended your marriage. I hope you are able to move past it and find happiness. Find new friends, make new family, who won't judge and cast you out. I would love to hear how any of them would have handled things had they been in your exact shoes. It's so easy to judge.

Areyou's picture

That family seems irreparable so maybe it’s time to move on and focus on taking care of your kids.

theoldredhen's picture

Hey, Sadden,

With her mother deceased, your SD was obliged to look to her father for parental affection and guidance, creating a bond that, by necessity, would be stronger than normal. Having to share her father’s love must have been difficult for the teen, particularly at a time when hormones rage and drama abounds.

 When her behavior became so unacceptable that removing her from the home seemed the only remedy, your SD must have felt terribly hurt and bitter. Her suicide, clearly an act of rage and revenge, was meant to punish you and her father. Like so many teens that deliberately overdose, your SD may have expected to be saved before the pills took effect. One thing is certain; she was severely mentally ill.

 Since the incident giving rise to SD’s suicide was that last huge quarrel, you became the scapegoat for your husband, his son and, it appears, the families on both sides! How bloody convenient for them all and what an easy way to mitigate their own guilt by tarring and feathering you!

Really, this makes me so angry! Had the girl’s biological family made more of an effort when SD was acting out and clearly depressed, this tragedy may have been averted. I agree with the other posters in recommending that you get as far away as possible from your husband, SS and both families. They are disgraceful; every one of those shits behaving with such cruelty and complete lack of empathy. I’d love to see karma giving them all an individual, giant kick in the ass. But, that’s just me.

What a sad state of affairs, poor girl! Your screen name, ‘sadden 2018’ could not be more apropos. Through absolutely no fault of your own, this far-reaching tragedy has occurred. Just keep looking ahead, Hon; a total change of environment will help to create the distraction that you and your girls need right now.

Many ((((((((HUGS))))))))

Curious Georgetta's picture

is something that many marriages do not survive , and the circumstances surrounding his death make it nearly impossible for the marriage to have survived.

You are wrong to blame your step son for the destruction of your marriage . The circumstances surrounding your step daughter's death would have likely brought an end to your marriage regardless of your step son's behavior.

The best thing that you can do for yourself and all involved is to move on from this tragedy. You should consider having your daughters see a counselor or therapist. If they are estranged from extended family because of your family's response to you, then they too have suffered a loss that they do not understand.

It is also possible that your daughters and your husband's son may all believe that a parent's response to a troubled child is to send them away from the home. All of these children may need help in sorting conflicted feelings.

Everyone in this sad tragedy has suffered. It would probably be a kindness on your part to distance your self completely from your husband and his son. They need time to sort through their pain and anger.

You need time to sort through the changes in your life and your daughters need you.

What you do not need to do is to  continue to blame your step son. He did not destroy your marriage not your life. The unfortunate situation impacted all of your lives.

Try to move your focus from blame to rebuilding a  new life for you and your daughters..  For the sake of your daughters, you might also try rebuilding  the relationship with your family. You may not need family, but your daughters may indeed  need extended family support.

Good luck to all of you as you travel this difficult path.