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Stepbrat strikes again....

rozzann's picture

I was trying very hard to be understanding of SD situation (see my prev blog) the past few days.  I tried ignoring her ignorant behavior and told myself that it isn't my responsibility.  After one million times of trying to correct poor behavior I decided to try and disengage and let DH step it up - or not.  And if he doesn't, she is not a reflection of my like my other 3 biokids are and there will be a definite differences of the genetics involved once they are grown.

I almost went against the disengaging last night after watching Stepbrat(6) 'play' with my and DH's DD(20 mo.) on the living room floor.  First, she would play with anything DD was going to play with so that she couldn't play with it. Mind you, she doesn't play WITH DD but only her toys so DD can't play with said toy.  All the while, DH says nothing and whenever he does, it is typically to tell DD to share....not the Stepbrat.  Then I caught she had something in her hand and when getting DD a stuffed animal out of her playpen, sneakily try to hide something under the blanket in the playpen (where DD can't get to it because she is playing on the floor).   The whole time, DH sitting 10 feet across room with me watching tv and notices nothing.  I caught it and asked her what she just put under the blanket.  I got her 'oh shit, i'm busted look' of deer in the headlights and she glanced to see if her dad was paying attention - which I don't think he was.  Then she slowly leans back in and pulls out the small baby from DD's my first dollhouse (the dollhouse and majority of DD's toys are in corner of living room where she spends most of her time playing, NOT in the playpen). I said 'why would you put that in there where she can't reach it?' No reply and did not to intend to reply unless DH takes notice. DH says nothing and Stepbrat strikes again.  She later was hiding a ball behind her on the couch that DD wanted.  She wasn't playing with it, just hiding it so DD couldn't have it.  I finally said to her that if she isn't going to play with it she needs to put it back on the floor.  I also asked her not to throw the ball up in the living room (they actually aren't to do this at all in the house with any balls).  After stating this, I added to please only roll it on the floor so nothing gets broke.  Few minutes later she barely does it again, testing the waters.  DH says nothing.  I say nothing.  Then does it again, higher and more out of control and DH finally tells her not to throw the ball up.  

IF this was one of my biokids, there would have been more warning and repercussions.  But no, Stepbrat is just a stepbrat and can continue doing her stepbrat behavior while everyone feels sorry for her shitty biohag mom's behavior. And I have to deal with DH not addressing it, like he should, which will again cause another argument in our home.  I don't care if stepbrat does bad things that affect herself but I am not going to let her influence my DD, ODS, ODD or myself in the process without me saying something.

The most frustrating part is that because of everything that Stepbrat is going through, her therapist suggests that we let these behaviors slide because she's dealing with 'much bigger problems.'  The problem I see with this is at what point then is it okay to address her shitty conniving behaviors that she learned from biohag and quit excusing them out of pity?

Suggestions from anyone on how they would've handled last night?

Comments

beebeel's picture

How is she "learning" to hide the toddler's toys from her mom? You have a lot of misplaced anger at this child, while her useless father gets nearly a free pass. HE is the reason she is a "brat" at your house. He needs parenting classes or marriage counseling or SOMETHING. And you need to stop blaming everyone else for his shitty parenting.

ESMOD's picture

Absolutely.. and I think it's also a self fulfilling prophecy to call her "stepbrat" in your head constantly.  I mean.. she is 6.. literally a young child that has a much simpler thought process than you as an adult (suposedly).  You are attaching a lot of motive and intent and directing your frustrations and anger at a 6 year old that you literally could not have had enough time with to truly tell her things a million times.  I get it.. kids need to be managed and you need to repeat things a gazillion times sometimes.  But you are also letting your DH off the hook.. Btw.. her behavior is pretty typical from what I have seen of kids that age.. especially kids that are ignored while a younger sibling is doted over... your dh isn't very involved... so I'm sure she is jealous of the attention the baby is getting.. it's 100% natural and expected.. the solution is that someone pay some attention to her and make her feel wanted.. but her dad isn't doing that.

rozzann's picture

She hides things all of the time.  I am not sure where it stems from, however, BM has told her not to talk to certain people and to lie and typically, lying, stealing, hiding, manipulating tend to go hand in hand.  So it would be my guess that she learned such behavior from her.  

And I do not give DH a free pass for not handling this.  It is a constant argument in our home between he and I.  I do not blame everyone else for his shitty parenting but I can and do place blame on the sources where behavior is similar to stemming from.  And this is frequently BM, where the first 4 influential years of SD's life were raised in BM's toxic environment.  SD has only been full time here for less than two years. Trying to correct BM's abuse psychologically, physically and educationally is why we have SD seeing a therapist.  DH is clueless a lot of the time on parenting but he is getting better....slowly.  I will give him some credit as she was his only child before our DD and my DS and DD. Also, his influence with her was limited before change of custody to EOW for 2 years and only for a few hours once a week before that due to court battles.  Hell, he didn't get to even meet SD until she was 4 months old because of BM.  At that point it is harder to bond with a child that you never see let alone try to correct years of toxic damage.

I know that some of my blame is placed on SD that is not her fault and I am working on that.  HOWEVER, if you ask her after she has done something wrong if it was a good choice or bad and she says 'bad,' that she understands the difference between right and wrong and should be accountable for such behavior.  

And there won't be any other counseling in our near future because we cannot financially afford it.  They only reason she goes is because her insurance covers it.  DH and I are uninsured because I am in school full time and SAHM to DD and he is self-employed.  My DS and ODD are insured with their dad's insurance and we made the parenting agreement state BM is to carry SD on insurance through her employment - so she's forced to keep a job or be in contempt.

Siemprematahari's picture

When this was happening last night why didn't you bring it to H's attention each and EVERY TIME? Every time she would hide or do something that needed to be addressed I'd call H's name and MAKE him see what's going on and tell him to PARENT. He's on the sidelines oblivious to what's going on, you hoping he'll 'see' and say something and he's not. I'd keep calling his name to address the issue until he gets tired of it. If he doesn't like it, oh well! This is his child. I also agree with the above poster that SD is 6  years old and wants attention which is normal....she needs/wants the attention that your H is not providing. In the end this all falls back on him.

thinkthrice's picture

And then when he comes down like a ton of bricks on SM for "only noticing the bad that skid does" (TM)  then she can completely disengage and keep her toddler away from feral SD.

rozzann's picture

Exactly as thinkthrice stated.  I get told that I am picking on her and only saying mean things.  The same 'mean things' that I say to my own kids.  The only problem is, as stated all over on here, DH does not address it.  And he doesn't address it because 1) He doesn't want to deal with it 2) He doesn't feel it was anything to correct 3) He feels pity for her mother and his less bond with her.  NONE of which are my fault or DD's, yet we get subjected to her behaviors and are expected to not say anything.  Bullshit.  

And I firmly believe that SD sees and notices the reaction between her dad and I and then does it intentionally.  It's called manipulation and she has learned it from her useless and toxic BM.  This is why I try to not say anything and to disengage. So when she no longer gets that reaction, she learns her manipulation is not working.

advice.only2's picture

You have a DH problem which has culminated into a SD problem.

"SD please be nice and share your sisters toys with her rather than hiding them. DH can you remind SD that in this house we share?"

"DH I think SD needs a reminder about the rule of no throwing balls in the house, can you help remind her of this? I've already told her twice, can YOU please remind her?"

Kids who are never disciplined are brats.

Major Blunder's picture

We have these kind of problems with GSD, she will take one of GSS's toys when he is in the same room and play with it and then when he wants it back she gets mad that we tell her to give it to him, she never allows him to play with her things and don't allow him, she's 8 he's 2 big difference in toys.  These girls are doing it for the same reason they want to have and be in control, want attention no matter good or bad and want everything their way.

fourbrats's picture

of kids that age, especially siblings or close relatives. GS1 and nephew2 (almost 4 and 5) were doing the same thing last night with baby GS's toys while I was watching them. All of the sudden the wooden abacus disappeared. And why? Because the older two hid it. They are a little jealous, best friends (and thus trouble makers) and also think its funny because well, kids. 

She is also testing boundaries with the ball. Which again, is typical of the age. Yes your husband needs to correct her but both of you need to find her currency as well. What motivates her to correct her behavior? 

rozzann's picture

I agree that this is typical with the age and husband needs to correct her.  The problem is, we have yet to find something that motivates her to correct her behavior........He has tried everything and nothing seems to work.  Take things away, put in time out, not allow to participate in family activity, talked to, yes *gasp* spanked her.  Nothing works.  How do you discipline a child who doesn't care about any of these things?

notasm3's picture

Aholes be aholes.  No matter how old or young they are.  I've seen so many ahole very young children grow up to be ahole adults even in wonderful intact families. Who knows why?  It's not always horrible parenting.  Sometimes the most wonderful parents have one child who is a disaster.