Coping Ideas
I need some advice on what I should do to NOT engage with Stepbrat. I am a SAHM to my DD1, my older two (who I share joint custody of with my ex) AND stepbrat that we have custody of. So she is here ALL THE TIME.
Like a lot of other SM's on here, I am to the point that I can't stand to be in the same room with SD6. I am stuck 'babysitting' her while DH is working and I can't leave the room when she is playing with DD because I don't trust she is playing nice. She doesn't hit DD but she is extremely bratty with DD's toys and her mere presence aggravates me and intensifies everything. She is abnormally weird in all things she does and no one notices or cares to correct it and when I do I am picking on her. Because of the mental/emotional abuse from her mom the therapist suggests that I should just 'let these things go' because she is dealing with much bigger things. My thoughts are, if you ignore her shitty behavior and lying now, like they have for over a year, what will she be like in a few years? You can't possibly blame BM for Stepbrat's behavior forever and I reminded DH that he is just as accountable during another of our blended family arguments a few nights ago.
So my question is, what do you other SM's do when stuck with the stepbrat? How do you deal with your emotions of wanting to just send them to the rooms indefinitely and out of your eyesight?
And for those of you suggesting wine....I already use this ;) However, I need some ways to handle this behavior an appropriate drinking hour lol.
I don’t have quite the
I don’t have quite the feelings you do towards SO’s kids but when I feel I need space I go to our room. The kids know our room is essentially off limits to them except for rare times.
At the same time I’m not afraid to tell the kids to go play in their room. We have a very small apartment so the majority of the time they aren’t allowed to bring their toys into the living room. They can do quiet activates like reading or coloring but even their tablet which they aren’t allowed to take to their bedroom must be used with headphones.
Please tell me you’re getting to speak to a therapist also. You’re showing a lot of hostilely towards a 6 year old that has already gotten the short end of the stick. The way you approach her will have a large impact on how your interactions with her will go and what your future will look like.
I do speak to the therapist
I do speak to the therapist some but not appointments for just me...unfortunately the finances are too tight for my benefit but we make sure she gets to go weekly. I am very unhappy with her, her dad and her mom. In general. And my hostility towards her is her lying and behavior toward me after I have tried SO MANY times to help her and guide her. Yet she will still lie or ignore me. So against the therapist (who has only been around for 4 months and not the past 4 years) I am holding her accountable for her actions. I accept the fact that she and I may never have much of a relationship and I don't care about that. I do know it does impact my future but I feel that either way my future will be about the same as long as she is not parented by DH or BM.....
Your animosity towards your SD
Your animosity towards your SD is effecting all of your interactions with her. I re-read your first post and it is clear the child was damaged by her BM and the damage continued once DH got visitation and than custody. You are expecting her to act like a "normal" 6 year old and to respond to you like your bios. At this point I don't think she is capable of doing that.
She is in therapy, which is great - but you are refusing to do what the therapist has suggested. Why don't you try letting some of the behaviors go and see what happens? Since she mostly ignores your requests anyway, what will it hurt to just ignore some of what she does?
The child knows how you feel about her - there is no way you are hiding your contempt for her. For her sake and yours, you need to do something to limit the time that you are directly responsible for her. When DH is home - he should be completely responsible for taking care of her.
You know, I'll admit to at
You know, I'll admit to at times wanting to "win" against BM. I've stopped a lot of that thinking. In your case, you personally helped DH fight to "win" custody of your SD, and you got it. So - be careful what you wish for, right? Given that you actively wanted custody of her (she wasn't just dropped in your lap because BM died or went to prison), I think you have an obligation to figure out how to not just tolerate her, but parent her effectively when you are caring for her. Even learn to like her.
And if you can't do that, I think you should get a job so she can go to daycare along with your DD, and let your DH parent her on the evenings and weekends. Or - agree to give custody back to BM.
I didn't help gain custody of
I didn't help gain custody of her to 'win' against BM - I did it because I felt it was the right thing to do. This was over 2 years ago and if I could give her back to BM, I would. However, DH would not do it. I had every intention and tried in every way to parent her effectively until I realized that she has already been trained by her toxic BM to lie, manipulate and choose bad over good. All the time. If I had known that this would be her behavior and demeanor when trying to do what was best for her, I would never have helped get her out of that hell hole she was in.
I have greatly debated going back to work full time but this creates a bigger problem - the daycare we had SD in previously has now closed its doors. We live in the country by a small town and there isn't the options that you would have living in the city. So for now, I continue to go to school online and babysit the SD and my DD until I can afford a better job that allows me to afford daycare elsewhere in a city (all 30 min drives) for my DD and hopefully by then somewhere close will be open for after school for SD.
I do let DH parent her on the evenings and weekend but its just the fact that she is here. Being a blended family we already have problems with parenting and rules and so it is just another weekly argument in our house of parenting...
Just saddens me that I can't learn to even like her. My stepdad was my dad to me and so I have a very difficult time dealing with the fact that I can't force myself to like her when I had a stepdad who loved me. Every time I see a glimmer of hope she does something that shuts it off again. Whoever said being a stepmom is the hardest thing they have ever done wasn't lying....
This says "win" to me: "And I
This says "win" to me: "And I am NOT nice on research when you are messing with my life."
I get it, these BM's make you crazy and I most definitely thought we could provide a better home for SS than BM, thank god it didn't work out that way. But I would say find a place to put her in daycare if she makes you that nuts. Tell DH it's non-negotiable, come up with the money or give her back to BM.
Flash forward to when she is a teenager
My heart breaks for you becuase I totally understand where you are coming from. I think that at least you have full custody and there is time to turn it around. I have been in my SD17's life since age 8, and her hatred of me and treatment of both me and my DH was fostered by her crazy BM. The challenge we face is that she goes back to BM every other week. I used to make excuses for her behavior when she was younger because of the divorce, but now, I realized she is either completely screwed up / spolied / ruined by PAS or all of the above and I cannot stand to even see her. Don't beat yourself up. My DD adores my DH as her step father, and I adore my SS. So at some point you just come to the realization you can't help your own feelings. She was beyond difficult when she was young and now she is just a flat-out b**** who no one wants to deal with. I have tried every angle and I am officially 100% disengaged. And it feels GREAT. The glimmers of hope you mention have consistently resulted in the same disrespect and pain they have for the past ten years. Sometimes there is only so much you can do, even with the best nurturing intentions. I finally realized that anything I do is always twisted or taken advantage of, so now I will do NOTHING for her.