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Problems with 6yr old stepson

Reesescandy14's picture

Okay I met my husband a year and a half ago we got married on our one year anniversary of dating, he has two kids a 4yr old daughter and 6yr old son from previous relationship, I'm pregnant also and due in just a week. I feel like everything was fine before we got married in August, once we got married and my husbands ex found out I was pregnant it's like everything went down hill and now my husband had to get a lawyer and file motions for set schedules bc his ex won't let the kids come over most of the time and when they do my step son is an absolute monster. He talks like a baby, throws constant fits, needs constant attention, screams he hates us and just wants his mom, constantly screaming to go home to mom and ask when he gets to leave. We cannot do anything fun. It's completely miserable all day everyday. Christmas was even ruined by his behavior. I don't know what to do and to be honest I can't stand the kid anymore which makes me feel even worse, he wakes up and talks in a whiny baby voice and I'm instantly aggravated for the rest of the day. My marriage is suffering. We are always trying to get him to talk to us and say what he doesn't like so we can fix it and he can like coming over and he just screams "I don't know". An example of something that happens is; the kids were running in the house playing and yelling and they were told no running in the house then my stepson wants to start yelling back mom lets him run and dad is just mean. "Mom said to call her when you're mean so call her now". It's like the mother is bad mouthing at home or something I really don't know and I don't know what to do to make anything better at This point so if anyone has any advice it would be appreciated. His daughter loves me and we have no issues which is even more confusing, she will actually call me mom and we have so much fun and now that's an issue with my husband bc he thinks I treat her differently but the son literally doesn't care to do anything with me so I don't force myself, his daughter just took to me and we have a bond and I love her. Help.


tog redux's picture

This is called Parental Alienation, and yes, it's BM bad-mouthing and making your SS hate his father. Just the "call me if he's mean" is a clear indication of parental alienation (she should be saying: "Behave yourself and listen to your father's rules".) It's not uncommon for BMs like this to get upset and jealous when their ex remarries and has children.

Your DH will need to manage this, both the behavior and BM. He should continue with court action and let the court know what BM is doing to damage his relationship with his son - it amounts to emotional abuse of SS on her part, and he will likely get worse. Some kids don't fall for alienation, which is why your SD is still pleasant to you (or she's too young to get it yet, not sure how old she is).

Sorry, this is a long road. Your DH should not hesitate to address the things BM is doing and set clear boundaries around your home (ie, the kid is NOT calling BM every time he gets disciplined). And find an attorney who understands Parental Alienation.

lieutenant_dad's picture

I agree this is parental alienation, but I also think why it is working so effectively on your SS is because he has had a very turbulent life that he can remember. At 4.5 years old, his dad got a new GF, I assume moved her in, got married, and now has another sibling on the way. That means in the 4.5 years prior, he got a sibling (his sister), watched his parents split up, had to learn how to move between two houses, learn how to follow two sets of rules, and deal with his emotions of watching his family fall apart at a time in his life where he is biologically wired to think that all good AND bad things that happen around him are his fault.

His mom is placating him by giving him someone else to release his anger and frustration on - his father and you. Additionally, she's feeding him her own anger and frustration. So, this young kid who likely had never had a chance to heal and deal with his parents' divorce/separation, who never had a set schedule of seeing his dad, and who likely remembers all the turmoil but none of the happiness of his parents (which I am assuming was before his sister was born, so he would have been a toddler) is going to be VERY susceptible to alienation because it gives his anger somewhere to go.

Your SS needs therapy, and your DH needs a good attorney plus parenting classes.